I Always am.
Disclaimer: No I don't own Alec. I am busy praising the writer of this ep. One moment please.
Summery: Graveside drabble. Alec says goodbye to Rachel. Spoiler for The Berrisford Agenda
Rating: um hmm. I think I'll go with G.
AN: Wow. That ep just left me shaking. I just want to say right here and now. I KNEW IT. ok now that that is out of my system when I go to post on my message boards I won't have to be all mean and "I told you so."-ish.
I should be shot for what I've done.
I shouldn't be here. Not when Rachel isn't.
Manticore was my excuse but excuses are usless as the saying goes.
I never wanted to hurt her. But I never thought about it.
If I knew that she'd forgiven me...if I knew that she ever could. Well then I guess it'd be easier.
But she can't, and she won't. And I shouldn't even have the nerve to ask her.
Why am I here?
Why am I standing in front of her grave hoping that she knows?
I'm fine. I'll be ok. I always am.
Still nothing will be quite the same.
I ruined her.
I broke her.
I deserve every bit of pain that I can get.
It's my fault she's dead, my fault her last concious moments were about pain and betrayal.
My fault.
I never should have played their game. I should have fought it. Better for me to be in the ground then her, then you.
Rachel, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted this. You made me believe in things I never thought possible. You made me feel things.
I never knew there were so many things out there, out here.
You're father was right. I am worthless, I only bring trouble, and I didn't care.
You made me worth something, you made me care.
And look what I did to you.
Know that I've never forgotten you, never forgotten your smile or the way you played.
Everyday I play it over in my head. Everyday I prayed that you were okay.
I didn't know. It isn't a good excuse, I know. But it's the only one I have.
I kept you with me. In the darkness of solitary I held your memory close.
I know I shouldn't speak these things. What would I know of them?
I was trained to kill. Not to speak in sonnets or sing love songs.
I don't know what love is.
I should have told you that. I should have told you everything.
I could have saved you.
Know Rachel, that I meant every word I said. It was true you were my job, but Rachel, you were so much more then that.
If you can't forgive me I understand, I know I never will be able to. Just know that a part of me is broken too. That part is yours, it always will be. I don't know if anyone can fix it, and right now I don't want anyone to try.
And if this hurts you, I don't want you to hurt anymore.
I'll be fine. I always am.
So smile...for me...if you can.
Disclaimer: No I don't own Alec. I am busy praising the writer of this ep. One moment please.
Summery: Graveside drabble. Alec says goodbye to Rachel. Spoiler for The Berrisford Agenda
Rating: um hmm. I think I'll go with G.
AN: Wow. That ep just left me shaking. I just want to say right here and now. I KNEW IT. ok now that that is out of my system when I go to post on my message boards I won't have to be all mean and "I told you so."-ish.
I should be shot for what I've done.
I shouldn't be here. Not when Rachel isn't.
Manticore was my excuse but excuses are usless as the saying goes.
I never wanted to hurt her. But I never thought about it.
If I knew that she'd forgiven me...if I knew that she ever could. Well then I guess it'd be easier.
But she can't, and she won't. And I shouldn't even have the nerve to ask her.
Why am I here?
Why am I standing in front of her grave hoping that she knows?
I'm fine. I'll be ok. I always am.
Still nothing will be quite the same.
I ruined her.
I broke her.
I deserve every bit of pain that I can get.
It's my fault she's dead, my fault her last concious moments were about pain and betrayal.
My fault.
I never should have played their game. I should have fought it. Better for me to be in the ground then her, then you.
Rachel, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted this. You made me believe in things I never thought possible. You made me feel things.
I never knew there were so many things out there, out here.
You're father was right. I am worthless, I only bring trouble, and I didn't care.
You made me worth something, you made me care.
And look what I did to you.
Know that I've never forgotten you, never forgotten your smile or the way you played.
Everyday I play it over in my head. Everyday I prayed that you were okay.
I didn't know. It isn't a good excuse, I know. But it's the only one I have.
I kept you with me. In the darkness of solitary I held your memory close.
I know I shouldn't speak these things. What would I know of them?
I was trained to kill. Not to speak in sonnets or sing love songs.
I don't know what love is.
I should have told you that. I should have told you everything.
I could have saved you.
Know Rachel, that I meant every word I said. It was true you were my job, but Rachel, you were so much more then that.
If you can't forgive me I understand, I know I never will be able to. Just know that a part of me is broken too. That part is yours, it always will be. I don't know if anyone can fix it, and right now I don't want anyone to try.
And if this hurts you, I don't want you to hurt anymore.
I'll be fine. I always am.
So smile...for me...if you can.
