I DO NOT OWN EVANGELION. I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS.
I wake up to the sound of cicadas.
I recognize the room that Shinji is always in. Now, however, our positions are reversed, as he is sitting in a chair next to me and I am on the hospital bed. However, his head is bowed and he talks softly, when in his position I would be reminding him of exactly what he did wrong in as loud a voice as I could manage.
Asuka: "Why are you here?"
Shinji: "My injuries weren't nearly as bad as yours. I came to see how you were doing."
Asuka: "What happened to me?"
Before he can answer however, the memories flood back into my weakened mind. My Eva, tearing the Angel in Black limb from limb. My Eva, obeying the commands of a mysterious system with no human mercy. My Eva, crushing Hikari's capsule with the crushing force of thousands of tons. And, through it all, my inability to stop any of it.
He mumbles something, but I don't hear a word he says. I look hard at my hands. These were the hands that killed Hikari. The ones that dismembered the giant in black. It doesn't whether I had control of my actions, it suffices that my hands are now stained with the blood of my best friend. If I had found the willpower to disable her Eva without the help of a dummy plug, she would have survived. She would have lived. And now, I am without any sort of person to talk to to alleviate the pain I feel. I am devoid of an outlet. To think, earlier today, (or was it yesterday? or last week?) I had been worried about my problems, about my trivial insecurities, about my need for a companion. And now my only friend was dead at my own hands.
Shinji: "...Asuka?"
This time I heard him. I could feel the sickening pity in his voice. How DARE he feel sorry for me?! I need no one's pity. Pity is a useless emotion. To hear it come from the mouth a boy who, if anyone, is deserving of pity himself, sparks rage within my heart. It seems that I once again have no control over my actions as I rise from my bed, walk to Shinji, and slap him with all the force that I can muster - which isn't as much as it should have been, considering my sorry state. What should have killed him only stunned him.
He gives me a look that bares his innermost feelings: his confusion, his sadness, and ultimately complete and utter defeat. He slowly, reluctantly rises from the chair and exits the room without a word.
And so, I lose my last person that I can treat as something near an equal at my own hands. Life is not without a sense of irony. I ponder that fact as I take a scalpel lying on a table next to the bed and slit my wrist, intending to do away with the hands that I so despised and my own meaningless life in one fated stroke.
*****
A voice emanates from nowhere.
Voice: "Why are you here, child? It is not your time yet."
Asuka: "I don't know what you're talking about."
Voice: "Do you love yourself, Asuka?"
Asuka: "Of course!"
Voice: "Are you sure? She who loves herself must also love others."
Asuka: "I love others! I love Kaji!"
Voice: "You do not. It is merely a childish infatuation."
Asuka: "So what? What's so great about "love" anyway?"
Voice: "She who does not love others cannot love herself. She who does not love herself suffers. She who suffers is not happy. Do you suffer?"
Asuka: "No! I have a great life!"
Voice: "Do you really?"
Asuka: "Yes!"
Voice: "Do you?"
Asuka: "No! I hate every second of my life."
Voice: "Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"
Asuka: "Yes."
Voice: "Why do you turn Shinji away?"
Asuka: "He's a coward, a weakling, and an ignorant *boy*."
Voice: "Really?"
Asuka: "Yes."
Voice: "Really?"
Asuka: (In a small voice) "No."
Voice: "Then why do you turn him away?"
Asuka: "... I don't know."
Voice: "You are scared of him. You are scared of a real relationship after so long pretending."
Asuka: "..."
Voice: "Love lessens suffering. You must love yourself first, and then open yourself to others. Only then does true happiness begin."
The voice finally assumes a shape: that of Kyoko Sohryu Zeppelin.
Asuka: "Mama..."
*****
A sense of extreme Deja Vu assaults me as I wake up in the same manner of before. The cicadas are still chirping, and the room is just as dismal as before. Only three differences are visible to the naked eye: there are no longer any sharp objects visible, my left hand feels strangely numb, and Misato is sitting in Shinji's seat.
Misato: "Finally awake, are you?"
The look in her eyes would kill a small mammal. However, once I looked closely, I noticed that that some barely controlled relief masked as well as signs of a heavy hangover.
Asuka: "... Yes."
Misato: (quivering) "Do you realize what you've done?!"
Asuka: "..."
Misato: "There is absolutely NO excuse for suicide! I don't care WHAT you just dismembered, HOW stupid your boyfriend is ..."
Asuka: "SHINJI IS NOT BY BOYFRIEND!"
Misato: "... that does NOT give permission for one of the 3 children who can possibly defend the human race against an alien menace beyond comprehension to commit suicide!"
Asuka: "You mean 4 children..."
Misato's face falls apart. She loses control of her tightly held "angry persona" and quickly degenerates into a sobbing, drunken wreck.
Misato: "I'm so sorry Asuka, none of us knew that the Eva was infected until it was too late, Commander Ikari did the right thing, if he hadn't activated the dummy system you would have died like you would have if Shinji hadn't told us immediately that you had slit your wrist."
Of course, Shinji's father had set the dummy system in action. He would pay for this. As my anger was finally directed away from myself at least somewhat, I felt some of my self-love returning. But how had Shinji known? He must have returned soon after. I had thought that for sure I had lost him forever...
Misato: "The nurses said he was chanting, 'I mustn't run away'."
So he wasn't as weak as I thought he was. Perhaps my life wasn't so bad as I had previously thought.
Misato: "And now he's locked in his room and won't come out. It seems a little extreme, even for him. I thought you two didn't get along." (Misato give her a questioning look)
*flashback* "You must love yourself first, and then open yourself to others. Only then does true happiness begin." *end flashback*
I must love others... I don't know about *love*, but a little talk wouldn't hurt.
Asuka: "I'll talk to him, Misato. I promise."
I wake up to the sound of cicadas.
I recognize the room that Shinji is always in. Now, however, our positions are reversed, as he is sitting in a chair next to me and I am on the hospital bed. However, his head is bowed and he talks softly, when in his position I would be reminding him of exactly what he did wrong in as loud a voice as I could manage.
Asuka: "Why are you here?"
Shinji: "My injuries weren't nearly as bad as yours. I came to see how you were doing."
Asuka: "What happened to me?"
Before he can answer however, the memories flood back into my weakened mind. My Eva, tearing the Angel in Black limb from limb. My Eva, obeying the commands of a mysterious system with no human mercy. My Eva, crushing Hikari's capsule with the crushing force of thousands of tons. And, through it all, my inability to stop any of it.
He mumbles something, but I don't hear a word he says. I look hard at my hands. These were the hands that killed Hikari. The ones that dismembered the giant in black. It doesn't whether I had control of my actions, it suffices that my hands are now stained with the blood of my best friend. If I had found the willpower to disable her Eva without the help of a dummy plug, she would have survived. She would have lived. And now, I am without any sort of person to talk to to alleviate the pain I feel. I am devoid of an outlet. To think, earlier today, (or was it yesterday? or last week?) I had been worried about my problems, about my trivial insecurities, about my need for a companion. And now my only friend was dead at my own hands.
Shinji: "...Asuka?"
This time I heard him. I could feel the sickening pity in his voice. How DARE he feel sorry for me?! I need no one's pity. Pity is a useless emotion. To hear it come from the mouth a boy who, if anyone, is deserving of pity himself, sparks rage within my heart. It seems that I once again have no control over my actions as I rise from my bed, walk to Shinji, and slap him with all the force that I can muster - which isn't as much as it should have been, considering my sorry state. What should have killed him only stunned him.
He gives me a look that bares his innermost feelings: his confusion, his sadness, and ultimately complete and utter defeat. He slowly, reluctantly rises from the chair and exits the room without a word.
And so, I lose my last person that I can treat as something near an equal at my own hands. Life is not without a sense of irony. I ponder that fact as I take a scalpel lying on a table next to the bed and slit my wrist, intending to do away with the hands that I so despised and my own meaningless life in one fated stroke.
*****
A voice emanates from nowhere.
Voice: "Why are you here, child? It is not your time yet."
Asuka: "I don't know what you're talking about."
Voice: "Do you love yourself, Asuka?"
Asuka: "Of course!"
Voice: "Are you sure? She who loves herself must also love others."
Asuka: "I love others! I love Kaji!"
Voice: "You do not. It is merely a childish infatuation."
Asuka: "So what? What's so great about "love" anyway?"
Voice: "She who does not love others cannot love herself. She who does not love herself suffers. She who suffers is not happy. Do you suffer?"
Asuka: "No! I have a great life!"
Voice: "Do you really?"
Asuka: "Yes!"
Voice: "Do you?"
Asuka: "No! I hate every second of my life."
Voice: "Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"
Asuka: "Yes."
Voice: "Why do you turn Shinji away?"
Asuka: "He's a coward, a weakling, and an ignorant *boy*."
Voice: "Really?"
Asuka: "Yes."
Voice: "Really?"
Asuka: (In a small voice) "No."
Voice: "Then why do you turn him away?"
Asuka: "... I don't know."
Voice: "You are scared of him. You are scared of a real relationship after so long pretending."
Asuka: "..."
Voice: "Love lessens suffering. You must love yourself first, and then open yourself to others. Only then does true happiness begin."
The voice finally assumes a shape: that of Kyoko Sohryu Zeppelin.
Asuka: "Mama..."
*****
A sense of extreme Deja Vu assaults me as I wake up in the same manner of before. The cicadas are still chirping, and the room is just as dismal as before. Only three differences are visible to the naked eye: there are no longer any sharp objects visible, my left hand feels strangely numb, and Misato is sitting in Shinji's seat.
Misato: "Finally awake, are you?"
The look in her eyes would kill a small mammal. However, once I looked closely, I noticed that that some barely controlled relief masked as well as signs of a heavy hangover.
Asuka: "... Yes."
Misato: (quivering) "Do you realize what you've done?!"
Asuka: "..."
Misato: "There is absolutely NO excuse for suicide! I don't care WHAT you just dismembered, HOW stupid your boyfriend is ..."
Asuka: "SHINJI IS NOT BY BOYFRIEND!"
Misato: "... that does NOT give permission for one of the 3 children who can possibly defend the human race against an alien menace beyond comprehension to commit suicide!"
Asuka: "You mean 4 children..."
Misato's face falls apart. She loses control of her tightly held "angry persona" and quickly degenerates into a sobbing, drunken wreck.
Misato: "I'm so sorry Asuka, none of us knew that the Eva was infected until it was too late, Commander Ikari did the right thing, if he hadn't activated the dummy system you would have died like you would have if Shinji hadn't told us immediately that you had slit your wrist."
Of course, Shinji's father had set the dummy system in action. He would pay for this. As my anger was finally directed away from myself at least somewhat, I felt some of my self-love returning. But how had Shinji known? He must have returned soon after. I had thought that for sure I had lost him forever...
Misato: "The nurses said he was chanting, 'I mustn't run away'."
So he wasn't as weak as I thought he was. Perhaps my life wasn't so bad as I had previously thought.
Misato: "And now he's locked in his room and won't come out. It seems a little extreme, even for him. I thought you two didn't get along." (Misato give her a questioning look)
*flashback* "You must love yourself first, and then open yourself to others. Only then does true happiness begin." *end flashback*
I must love others... I don't know about *love*, but a little talk wouldn't hurt.
Asuka: "I'll talk to him, Misato. I promise."
