"Confusion"
Chapter 3: I Wish
by: Mochaije

Disclaimer: I do not own Dark Angel or its characters. Other than that, the story and characters are mine.
Summary: Virus bitch goin' down! After "Medium is the Message".
Rating: PG 13
A/N: This is mostly drabble, stuff I left out in the first two chapters. Tidbit: The Max vs. Hailey part was rewritten three times because Hailey's got a big ol' plot twist coming after her in the next chapter.

"Find anything yet?" Logan asked, looming over me. I shift in my seat, shoulder accidently bumping stomach. Springing from my chair, I apologized melodramatically as he looked at his hands and smiled.

"Lab creep called yesterday when you and Hailey went to the video store... Why didn't you tell me before?" Oh shit. I really didn't mean for him to find out like that.. .I was going to go to a trust-worthy lab and get the virus analyzed, but no, that damned tech called here and actually told him. The tech could've just been spewing a bunch of BS about my virus having an expiry date; I didn't want to find out if he was wrong.

"I don't trust anyone who willingly worked for Manticore," I shot back. "Sorry, but I didn't want to kill you or anything." Shaking his head, he kept smiling like an idiot.

"I'm not dead!" He chuckled. I rolled my eyes dramatically as he fell to the ground, convulsing.

I snapped awake and ran a nervous hand through my hair, throwing off the covers and running into the bathroom to splash water onto my face. He couldn't find out, he just couldn't. I wanted, needed so bad to touch him, run my fingers through his hair, kiss his lips, even just hold his hand or taste-test his culinary wonders again... To not worry when I'd been using the computer at his place and he sat down to start typing away. It was bad enough that I had to look over my back for Manticore, now I had to keep an eye out for Logan; a quick run-in and he could be dead.

I wished I knew.

I wished I knew if my touch was still poison to the man I loved.

I wished I knew if Hailey was going to be okay after the shock of the last two weeks.

I wished I knew that Zack was okay.

I wished I knew how to stop time, give myself ten seconds to catch a breath. It was like that spinning thing at the playground, with the six or so handles and the circular floor... The big kids would grab a handle and spin as the other children squealed in terror, wind catching their hair, hanging on for dear life so as not to fly off the equipment. And some would just jump on and off, regardless of whether or not the wheel was going at top speed. And still others would cling to the center or sit on it's floor, safe for a few minutes until the motion caught up with them and they became ill.

I just wanted it stop, for everyone to let me off for a minute while I get a few breaths. Or I could spill the beans to Logan about all of this virus crap and submit myself to White, let him kill me. But I was stuck clingling to the end of those handlebars, shrieking as life tore past. I need to jump off and take a breather. It's too much.

I peeked out the window at the streets of Seattle... Well, actually, it was an alley. An alley with a young girl, maybe seventeen, looking around, medium-length blonde hair getting in her way. She looked up and didn't see me. What in the hell was Hailey doing in an alleyway at four in the morning? Yawning, I pulled on a sweater and quietly snuck out of the apartment and onto the street, down the alley. I grabbed her by the shoulder and yanked.

The reunion--if you could call it that--with Hailey and Logan was awkward. I didn't know what to say so I just bailed. She's not my daughter, and knowing Logan has a kid just made things... Wierd. Yeah, she's fun and spunky--you figure that out after a week--but she's Logan's kid. But I sat with them while the social worker spewed--ahem, stuttered--about rules, how she could be left alone alone for moderate periods of time because she was of legal age, blah blah, gets her own room if possible, blah blah blah. They'll be back to check up on everyone in two weeks, la dee da dee da. I don't know what drove me out of there: the awkwardness when the social worker left, my rumbling stomach, or plain boredom. Hailey and Logan's personalities clash even worse than his and mine... Mine was like grey on black with him, hers is more hexadecimal 000000 on black.

Which made for a lot of long, eerie silences because anything one side said would probably offend another. At least they were getting along when I got back with food. Hah, I hope they didn't talk about me. I just hope Hailey knows the only reason I'm a little bit... Uhhh... Around her is because she's Logan's kid. And I'll get over that.

"Hey!" She went right for my crotch with her foot, donkey-kick style, throwing me out of my second daydream of the day. My attempt at grabbing her leg and tossing her failed, because the strength of her blow threw me into a nearby dumpster.

"What the hell are you doing?" I spit, watching as she grabs my arm and pins me to the metal monster. Giving up, I settled for squirming, but that was pointless too.

"Trying to run away is what I'm doing," she muttered, easily keeping up with my resistance effort. "Fuck, you're strong."

"That's pretty much mutual." My arms are effortlessly pinned down by her hands. She finally let me go, brushing the dirt off her jeans, cussing under her breath. "How?"

I study her for a moment. Her hair is a mess; so are her clothes. The backpack she's sporting is a smaller, less-heavier one than the bag she'd brought to Logan's. It's my Jansport bag... I accidently left it at Logan's a few days ago. Oh, that's my jacket, too. Note to self: Raid the guest closet.

She ignored my question. "I don't know anyone here and the people I do know are lying to me," she choked after a moment, tears springing from her eyes. "I mean, back in Florida, the sun shines, you know? And the place... Florida isn't half as run down as this fucking shit hole!" The fury building inside her unleashed itself in a powerful kick directed at a neighbouring, metal trash bin. She hopped on one foot, crying, gingerly clenching her toes through her sho--those are my shoes! She put her foot down, crossing her arms on her chest, body wracking with sobs.

"It's not our fault the Pulse was detonated here, you know." How else was I supposed to react? Everyone needs venting time, and I've found that most venters don't like to be hugged or anything. Like me. And her apparently...

"It's bad enough I'm never going to see my parents again," she whispers. "Bad enough I never really got to know them, never spent time with them. But... But I had to pick up the phone." Hailey's lonely, desperate eyes searched my own and, finding no sympathy in them, she turned away. "I had to have that stupid officer tell me that my parents were.. Pancakes... Because it snowed!" She wiped her eyes, smearing a little bit of mascara on her hands. "I wanted it to snow, Max... We'd gone skiing in Vancouver a week earlier and I sat on the couch in Florida thinking, 'damn, I wish it would snow'. This is all my fault, I didn't say I wanted to stay in Florida after they died, I wanted it to snow before.. They're gone and it's all my fault... And I'm cold and I'm tired and I wish... I wish it hadn't snowed." Her face was beet red now, even though she had mostly calmed herself down.

I wrestled with the idea of letting her stay over for a few seconds. "Tell you what. How 'bout you come inside, get some sleep, and wait a week before you try to go back to Florida. I don't sleep, you can use my bed." Hailey nodded as if her body wanted to and her mind didn't, and followed me inside.

Naturally, Logan called when he found that his daughter was not around. I told him to come over, while mentally telling myself that today was the day to tell him everything, even though it wasn't. I couldn't tell him, wouldn't. Not that his offspring hated it here, or that we could possibly touch. If I told him about the virus, we'd go back to 'being together', even though we never were. Eventually we would either break up and ruin the friendship, or marry and I'd have a few kids to tie me down to Seattle... Which isn't a good idea, seeing as I've always got someone running three steps behind... Cough, White and Manticore.

Or I could just keep it to myself. In a month or two, we'll both move on and still be friends. It would be different, because we'd be moving on for reasons we couldn't control. Sooner or later, me and Logan will meet other people,and it won't matter to the other person... And heck, where was the relationship even at with us? We seemed to be at Standby, waiting for a glimmering ray of hope to come through and break the chains of this goddamn virus. It felt awkward being the only one that knows that the chain might be broken.

And if I do tell him, and the virus doesn't have an expiry date, we're both screwed. He'll be dead, and I'll have a huge weight of guilt on my chest that will never go away. Hold on a second; what the hell was Hailey doing, running away to a dead-end alley and then handing my ass to me on a plate?

A frantic Logan opened the door to my apartment and I barely managed to plaster on a smile in time. "Hey."

"Hey, yourself... Hailey around?"

"Uh, yeah. She's asleep. She's only been down for about four hours though," I walked over to the kitchen and he followed, obviously peeved. "I don't think she was running away."