Title: Cordelia the Wise

Authors: Kelley and Shelley (beanyb1999@hotmail.com)

Spoilers: Nothing at all for season six. This wouldn't even happen if hell froze over.

Disclaimer: Unless pigs fly, reindeers dance, stuffed animals come to life, and we have our college tuition paid off, Joss and Mutant Enemy still own ALL of these characters, although we still have plans to kidnap Xander and Spike. Don't even try to sue us, the judge will just laugh at you. We don't even own the materials to write this.

Summary: A short interlude to "I'll Most Likely Kill You In The Morning". You need to read that story first, unless you enjoy being confused. In that case, read away. If not, read the story or none of this will make sense at all. We're attempting to tie up a few loose ends before we start the sequel. Plus, we just wanted to give Cordelia a little more airtime. This will be a series of three conversations between our favorite May Queen and various characters. Cordelia and Xander talk.

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Cordelia slowly walked into Xander's hospital room, carrying a large bouquet of balloons and a box of pizza. "Dammit. You're awake. Now I have to own up to buying you something, and I have to share the pizza."

Xander smirked. "Like you could really eat that whole pizza."

"Having visions speeds up the metabolism. Plus, working with a guy who doesn't eat doesn't help much."

Xander looked slightly puzzled. "Angel doesn't eat?"

"No."

"Never?!" Xander asked, completely baffled.

Cordelia narrowed her eyes. "No! How hard did you hit your head? He's a VAMPIRE! It's strictly a liquid diet for him."

"No way!" Xander exclaimed. He must eat while you're not there!"

"I'm practically always there. He doesn't eat! Why are you asking?"

"Merciful Zeus!" Xander gaped at the May Queen. "Spike eats ALL THE TIME! He decimated my Twinkie stash when he was living in my basement . . ."

"Spike lived in your basement?" Cordelia asked, surprised.

" . . . not to mention the Cocoa Puffs, Cap'n Crunch, the Reeses Puffs, Count Chacula, Fruity Pebbles, Wheetabix . . ."

"Why did you have Wheetabix?"

"Do you know how disgusting that looks mixed with blood, by the way?" Xander asked offhandedly.

"Eew! Can't he use milk like a normal . . . oh wait, never mind."

"He drank all our milk too! He ate all the jelly donuts, the apple fritters, the frozen fish sticks. I stopped bringing chocolate home because I never got to eat any of it. He ate all the Rocky Road, Turtle Tracks . . ."

Cordelia gaped at him.

" . . .ok, he shared that after I threatened to tie him back to the chair. And he looked hilarious when he was vamped out and had peanut butter stuck in-between his teeth."

"Peanut butter?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.

"Oh yeah. He really loved his peanut butter and blood sandwiches . . ."

"Ok!" Cordelia cried, disgusted. "I get the picture! How long did he live with you?"

"I don't know. A week or two."

"Why didn't he try to kill you?" she asked.

"The chip. Remember?" he replied, as if this was something everyone in the world knew about.

"Well, why didn't you just let him go?"

Xander shrugged. "I don't know. I guess we were afraid he'd spend his time pushing little kids in front of cars or tripping old ladies. I don't know. He was pretty helpful. And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll kill you."

"At the risk of some more really bad images, what's up with you and Spike?"

Xander replied, deadpan, "We're engaged."

Cordelia suddenly appeared faint.

"I'm joking, Cordy." He stopped, looking both ways, making sure no one was around. "I want you solemn oath that you will never repeat this to anyone."

"I swear on next month's paycheck," she said with a nod.

"Not good enough."

She thought about it for a moment. "Oook. I swear on every pair of shoes I own."

"Ok, that'll do," he replied quickly. He took a deep breath. "Spike and I are . . . friends. I honestly don't know how it happened. It's kinda nice to have a guy friend. I haven't really had one since Jesse died."

"And the whole Spike being in love with Buffy thing doesn't bother you?"

"It did at first, but then I thought about it a little and well . . . let's just say I got my reasons why I don't think it's totally awful."

She frowned. "Why Spike? Of all the creatures in Sunnydale, why make the bleached idiot your best friend?"

Xander looked Cordelia in the eyes. "Why Angel?"

"That's different," she said quietly.

"You're right," he replied. "Me and Spike don't hide in closets and play tonsil hockey."

"And I bet you can't wait to tell everybody," Cordelia said defensively.

"Well, I haven't yet. I'm good with secrets. But could you tell me why?"

She sighed. "He makes me happy and not in that Buffy/Angel doomed love kinda way. There's no brooding or fatalistic thinking or worrying about losing his soul. We don't have this perfect true love meant to be together kind of thing. We just wanna be with each other. It's kinda like a best friend who you like to flirt with and it just sort of evolves from there."

"At least that's an improvement from the geeky guy you shove in the closet when you're bored during third period." He smiled. "Of course, that doesn't explain the music."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she replied quickly.

"Yes you do. You just don't wanna admit it cuz you're the one who came onto me, hence the reason the music is the exact same."

Cordelia bit her lip. "Did anyone else hear the music?"

He grinned. "Nope. Just me and everyone else at the hotel and probably half of Sunnydale. It's a good thing you were too busy sucking face to notice it all that much, cuz it was really loud. You never were a very good liar."

Buffy walked into the room. "Cordelia, agitating the patient?"

"No, we were just talking about . . .about . . .the weather," she said, nodding and smiling.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Liar."

Xander chuckled. "See? Told ya!"

"Shut up, Xander. I'm leaving now." She got up from the chair she had been sitting in.

"Bye Cordy." He winked. "Good luck with your friend."

Cordelia glared. "Bye, Xander." She abruptly left the room.



NEXT: Cordelia and Buffy have a little chat.