Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me.
Author's notes: Thought I had forgotten about this story, didn't you? I'm a little rusty, so I hope it all came out right. That'll teach me to write so many things at the same time.
"24 Steps: Part 13" by Carolina
The silence reminded her of that part in the Sound of Music when they whole family is hiding behind those pillars at the convent and the guards are looking for them. It got particularly excruciating when they took out those flash lights and there was a long silence as they pointed their lights to the pillars, and then a sense of relief comes over you when they go away.
Now that was a family she wanted to be a part of. With a mom who would sing all day and be in the same mood all the time. Looking now she put it aside. It didn't exist. It was a world so perfect that it was impossible to live in. There is no such place where Mi is a name you call yourself and Re is a drop of golden sun.
She didn't know why she thought of that. The moment was nothing like almost being caught, or hiding when the enemy was right at your feet, but the way their shoes' sounds echoed around the hallway of her apartment building reminded her of that scene, of a movie she hadn't seen in years. Luka was in front of her, carrying her suitcase, and she followed behind, looking around as if she was indeed a prisoner.
"Did they paint the hallways?" she asked suddenly, her voice joining on the sound of their steps, an orchestra of trepidation.
"No, no," Luka said casually, digging into his pockets for the keys.
Abby was unconvinced, and to her it seemed like he was taking forever to open the door. Weird, a couple of weeks before she was screaming and crying to come back home, and now that she had, she couldn't quite figure out what all the fuss was about. For a month she had been woken up by the same bell, at the same hour, ate at 8, 12, and 8 again, snacked at 4, and only had to worry about getting up and getting dressed. To a lot of people, a month is only 30 days; to her it was a reverie, a ship who had been lost at sea for years and was finally found.
Finally, after all the jiggling, the door unlocked and Luka let her in first. The first thing she was glad about was that there was no surprise party. Good. The last thing she needed was people popping out from behind her furniture with a Welcome Back banner. Luka turned on the lights; Abby noticed the roses in a vase she didn't recognized on the kitchen table. She stood there for a moment not knowing what to do as Luka walked over to her bedroom and began to put her things away.
She couldn't help but notice the time. She had been slave of a routine to which she no longer belonged. At this exact moment Marissa would start talking about her boyfriends as they ate chocolates like rabid women, until Ben rushed through the doors of the TV room to change the channel to Survivor. But that wasn't happening right now, and it was too quiet.
So she went over and turned on the television.
"Do you want something to eat?" Luka asked as he walked into the room again. "Maybe we can go out, or I can make something here."
It took Abby a moment to hear that and she looked up at him once she did. "I don't know, I'm kinda tired."
Luka put his hands on his hips and nodded. Be supportive; be patient; be there; be all that you can be.
"Maybe order a pizza?" Abby finally said while she played with her sleeves, watching him smile.
He walked into the kitchen to get the number from the fridge and she followed him. As he picked up the phone to make the call, Abby jumped into the counter and once more found herself analyzing him closely. This male human being never ceased to intrigue her. They had been together for more than 6 months, spending nearly every night together, but to Abby, Luka remained a mystery. She knew everything about him, his past and his present, but somehow there were things about Luka she couldn't understand. His quirks, his mannerisms, his... perfection. Where she came from, men could not be trusted. They either leave or cheat on you. When they are there, they don't care.
When Luka was going through his depression and it was as if Abby didn't exist, she never stopped to think it was something odd. In reality, it wasn't. To Abby, Luka was as normal as they came, and she knew the relationship was going no where. In reality, no relationship achieves happiness. She knew sooner or later he'd either leave or cheat on her, and she'd move on. When that didn't happen, when the roles reversed and he began to offer comfort, when she woke up every morning and he was still there, when he didn't cheat on her, that's when things began to seem odd and he wasn't a man anymore. She couldn't trust his intentions. He was clearly something inhuman.
Luka put the phone down and looked at her with a small smile on his face. "30 minutes."
Abby nodded and looked around her kitchen, noticing the new silver wear and plates through the crystal shields of her cupboards. "You cleaned?" she asked in amazement.
Luka approached her, resting his hands on her thighs. "I had to. The crazy woman who used to live here went on a spree and broke all her plates," he joked as he got closer.
Abby was surprised to find herself chuckling at that and rested her forehead on his.
"I missed you," Luka whispered.
Abby curled her mouth and closed her eyes, and as if in slow motion, felt Luka's lips on hers. The moment, instead of exciting, made her want to cry. When she was little, her father used to take her and her brother out on camping trips. Later, Abby found out that the reason why they were scheduled so spontaneously was because those were days in which Maggie was locked out in a psych ward. Anyway, her father loved to teach her and Eric about the wildlife. Of course Abby loved watching the birds, but the one thing which intrigued her the most, the one thing she'd stare at for hours, was the Pigweed. The Pigweed is a beautiful plant, whose leaves had two different shapes, ragged and crisp, yet besides its beauty, it is poisonous. Actually, only the stem is, the rest is even edible. But animals mistook the poisonous part, the stem, for the good parts and they'd die after consumption.
As Luka continued to kiss her, she realized why as a little girl she was so intrigued by the Pigweed so much... she was one. There were two sides of her, the crisp side, and the ragged one, and after that attracted people to her, inevitably they'd stumble upon her venom. It had happen to almost everyone she had come in contact with, and it would happen to Luka. The difference now was that something inside of her alarmed her of this. For the first time she realized why people turned away, because she was nothing but a poisonous, wild, two-faced plant.
Still, she responded to him. Although she knew that Luka was walking into quicksand, a part of her needed him to. She had missed him. Not feeling him move at night was something she wasn't used to and it produced many sleepless nights. So as it turned out, she had to go double cold turkey.
Luka's hands began to explore her back and with her own she unhooked two of his buttons and reached inside his shirt. Even thought she had only been gone for 30 days, she and Luka hadn't had sex way before that, and the sudden raise in temperature on the room made it obvious where this was headed, which was fine with her, because as it turns out, men are not the only ones who go crazy without sex.
The exact moment when he picked her off the counter, the doorbell rang.
"Dammit," Luka muttered against her neck, his muscles tense.
Abby chuckled and helped herself out of his arms to walk into the living room as Luka stayed behind, trying to cool off. It was so easy for women.
Abby cleared her throat and cleaned the corner of her lips, also making sure all her buttons where in place, before she opened the door to reveal Carter, with a smile on his face and a bunch of balloons on his hand.
"Welcome back," he grinned and stepped in to give her a hug before she could react.
"Hey," Abby chuckled as Carter's body nearly devoured hers. "Come in."
Carter handed her the balloons and stepped into the apartment, and at the same time a distraught Luka walked out of the kitchen, nodded at Carter, and sat on the couch in front of the television, which was still on.
Carter sensed something in the air, something tense. Were they fighting? Or talking about something serious? The way Luka was staring at Abby's ass as she tied the balloons to a chair gave him the answer. Oh, that kind of tension.
So he cleared his throat and sat next to Luka. "So when did you get in?" he asked, trying to ease the reunion.
"Couple of minutes ago," Abby said from the kitchen. "You certainly have good timing."
Luka leaned closer to Carter and whispered sarcastically, "Yeah, good timing, Carter."
"Sorry," Carter whispered back.
Abby came back from the kitchen with three cans of sodas on her hands in time to see Luka and Carter finish their whispering and look up at her, grinning like a couple of idiots.
"What's going on?" she asked suspiciously and the two men looked at each other casually.
"Nothing," they both said at the same time.
Abby rolled her eyes. "Ok, let's get one thing straight. I don't want any one of you, or anyone else for that matter, whispering, or talking, or looking at me as if I had a goiter, ok? Yes, I went to rehab. Yes, I'm an alcoholic. Let's just move on, alright? So there's going to be no whispering or talking behind my back, is that clear?"
Luka and Carter both stared at her with blank expressions on their faces, sitting next to each other, looking like two children being scolded.
It was such a Kodak moment that Abby's serious expression fell and she began to laugh.
Luka and Carter looked at each other in confusion. "What the hell did they do to her?" Carter joked, and that made Luka go into chuckles also.
"We weren't talking about you, Abby," Luka said.
"Yeah, let it go," Carter said as he reached for his soda and opened it up, taking a gulp.
Abby sat down across from them and opened hers as well. "Well, whatever it was, just, no whispering, ok?" she added seriously.
"Fine," Luka said as he leaned back, feeling more relaxed than he had felt in a long time. He was now glad Carter had stopped by, because it had eased the tension that was present earlier. As much as he wanted to rip Abby's shirt off and make love to her, he also knew that it would have to wait. Unlike what Carter had said, he didn't want to let it go. He wanted to talk to Abby, ask her what happened. But most of all, he wanted to dig in for a reason. He truly believed that if Abby told him why she relapsed, they could work as a team and prevent it from happening again. It would also made it easier for Abby to go to him when she needed help, instead to a bottle of rum.
He blinked back to resurface in a middle of a conversation between Carter and Abby.
"... I don't know," Carter sighed heavily.
"What don't you know?" Abby asked, cleaning the top of her can.
"Three dates in one month," Carter said.
Abby looked from Luka to Carter, "So?"
"So, don't you think that's a little slow, and... weird," Carter said as he fidgeted with his fingers.
"Not really," Abby shrugged her shoulders.
"I thought you were going out last week," Luka joined in.
Carter shook his head. "She had to work late." He thought for a moment then added, "I mean, I like her, I like her a lot, it's just that..."
"What?" Abby asked almost in frustration.
Carter lingered. "I don't know, I wished I could see her more often so that I know where this is going, and I can be more certain."
"So call her up, make a lunch date," Abby said.
"It's not that easy, Abby," Luka added. He knew why Carter was so reluctant to see Georgia, and he also knew that John had backed off from a couple of dates also. They were dancing, a tango Luka knew about all too well. And it all came down to his addiction, and his attack. Luka certainly understood as well. Although he wasn't an addict or an alcoholic, the same question when he met a new woman inevitably came, 'Are you married?' Although the answer to that one is a simple no, it always came before more detailed questions, and he'd end up lying about his whole life and about how he had never been married. It's hard to find acceptance when there's still so much the average person didn't know.
There was a knock on the door and Luka immediately stood up, so did Carter.
"Carter, stay for pizza," Abby said as she walked into the kitchen to get some plates.
"No, I really shouldn't," Carter sighed.
"It's ok," Luka said with a small smile as he opened up the door. An odd looking kid stood there, with the box of pizza on his hand.
"Half cheese, half pepperoni?" he asked.
Luka took the box away and gave the kid the money along with a good tip and closed the door.
"So how's everyone at the hospital?" Abby asked as she put a slice of pizza on her plate and walked back into the living room.
"You know, the usual," Carter said.
"Nothing happened while I was gone?" Abby asked.
"You were only gone for a month," Carter said as he sat down with three slices.
"Yeah," Abby said vaguely. She thought how weird it was that things weren't awkward. She knew Carter's presence was making things better, but even Carter was talking as if nothing had happened. She was certain she'd come back and they'd follow her around with a diaper bag over their shoulders. But Carter's mind was stolen by thoughts of Georgia and Luka was keeping his distance, mentally.
She cleared her throat and took a bite of her slice. "Is Weaver working tonight? I wanna go back to work."
Both Luka and Carter looked up at her. "Are you sure?" Carter asked.
"Yeah," Abby said simply.
"I don't think you should, Abby," Luka said.
"Why not?" Abby asked.
"Well, for once Mark and Kerry might not want you back for a while. And even if they did, I don't think you should," Carter said, knowing well the routine by now.
"I'm a nurse," Abby said simply.
Luka looked at Carter, suddenly wishing the other man wasn't there, because this was something he wanted to talk to Abby alone. So he decided to shut up and wait. He'd certainly be poking this discussion out of Abby later so he could say what was on his mind.
"First of all, you should find a support group," Carter said.
"I already have that," Abby said.
"And go to..."
"Meetings, get a sponsor, ask for help," Abby cut him off. "I've been through this, Carter," she said a little snippy.
"Right, so take it slowly," Luka added, not wanting to add too much.
Abby shook her head, knowing it was an argument she would not win. She watched as Luka went back into the kitchen and came back with another slice of pizza, which he put on her plate. "No, I'm done," she protested.
"You should try to gain some of that weight back," Luka said as he sat back down.
"Are you kidding? This is the best part of it all," Abby said, feeling her own ribs.
Carter smiled, "Don't pull an Ally McBeal on us."
"Ha, ha," Abby said and picked up all the plates. After putting them in the sink, she leaned against the counter, watching as Luka and Carter talked over the sounds of the television. Why were they talking? Weren't they supposed to be hitting each other? When Luka had tried to detox her, she could hear them talking outside her door. She could hear Carter almost yelling at Luka and Luka standing still. Her mind had been a loud radio back then, going almost on static. But she heard what they had said, as if she was a patient they were fighting over. She hated feeling like that. She hated that Carter wanted to handle it, as if she was a ragged doll. She hated that Luka treated her like a baby, when she knew exactly how to take care of herself.
There they were now, bonding. A black cloud hovered over her head. She wanted to go back to rehab. God knows it was the weirdest feeling in the world, but she could not help it. At least there she wouldn't have to deal with her own life. Other people lived for her, fed her and put her together. She didn't have to worry or even think about work, Carter, or even Luka. All she had to do was miss them, and that was what she had done. But now she was back into the real world again, and it scared her to death.
"Are you ok?" Luka asked as he walked into the kitchen with his plate, watching as she stared off into space.
Abby looked up at him with a questioning look on her face, until she heard his question as it reached her ears minutes after it was spoken. "Yeah," she said with a smile and walked back into the living room, sitting down in front of Carter.
Instantly, he looked at his watch and stood up. "Well, I really have to go now."
"You don't want ice cream?" Luka asked, even though he wasn't planning on eating any himself. He wanted Carter to stay over a little more so he could practice his speech over his mind. He knew as soon as Carter left, he would have to keep the morale up. They don't teach you that on support groups.
"Yeah, I have to go spend some time with my grandma," Carter sighed.
Luka shook his hand, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Carter nodded, "Yep."
Abby pointed to the door, signaling she was walking him out and followed him closely. She rested her chin on the door as Carter stood on the hallway. "Are you sure you're ok?" he asked.
"Yeah," Abby said casually.
Carter raised one of his eyebrows. He knew it was all baby steps now. "Hey, I'll call you later, ok? We can go to a meeting together."
Abby smiled, "We'll see if dad let's me stay past my curfew," she said sarcastically.
Carter turned serious, "Listen to him, Abby. He's only trying to take care of you. He's doing everything right this time."
Abby shook her head in amazement and confusion, and looked inside the apartment to make sure Luka was not near. When she saw him cleaning up she closed the door and stepped into the hallway with Carter. "Ok, what the hell is going on?" she asked.
Carter wrinkled his forehead. "What?"
"A month ago you two couldn't stand being around each other and now all of a sudden you're the ambiguously gay duo?" she whispered even though the door was closed.
"What?" Carter repeated.
"It's not that easy, Abby. Listen to him, Abby. Carter's right, Abby. Hey Carter, stay for pizza, wanna have a threesome while we're at it?" she mocked both men.
Carter didn't know what to say, but actually chuckled. "Um, we've been talking," he offered as an explanation.
"Talking," Abby repeated.
"Yeah. You were gone, and I guess we just started talking," Carter tried to explain.
Abby stared into space for a while and then looked up at him, "So you're friends now?"
Carter thought for a moment, "I guess so."
Abby looked away and muttered. "Unbelievable."
"Anyway," Carter continued. "I think you should still at least take a couple of days off, trust me, as soon as you go back to the ER you'll want to run away."
"Thanks, Gary," Abby said sarcastically and opened the door. "Thanks for coming."
"See you later," Carter smiled and walked away.
Abby walked back into the apartment to find Luka standing there, looking at her. "What?" she asked.
Luka gave her a knowing look and walked into the kitchen again. "Well, I guess it goes both ways too, no whispering behind my back also."
"Sorry," Abby said, following him. "I didn't know you and Carter were in such friendly terms."
Luka shrugged his shoulders as he put the rest of the pizza away. "I guess we've been talking."
"So I've heard," Abby said, leaning against the counter again. As soon as Luka put the food away, there was nothing else for him to do, so the tension inevitably came back. But Abby snapped back, "Um, I'm gonna call Weaver."
Luka immediately reacted, seizing his opportunity. He pinned the phone to its stand before she could reach it. "Abby," he started, very aware that his speech wasn't ready. "Don't... just yet," he said and took the phone away.
"Why?" Abby asked.
He rubbed the back of his neck, not quite looking at her. "I don't... think you should go back to work just yet."
Abby smiled, "Luka, I'm fine."
"You keep saying that," he said. "But I don't know if that's true."
"You don't trust me?" Abby asked.
"It's not that I don't trust you, Abby. It's just that... you've been through a lot," he said, trying to get her to understand.
Abby shook her head, "Luka..."
"Just," he interrupted her. "Just take a couple of days off, it won't kill you."
Abby hesitated for a moment, and looked up at him, trying to say something, before Luka cut her off again.
"Abby you were drinking at work," he said he said very seriously, almost whispering. "You endangered patients. They're not going to let you go back just like that."
Abby felt as if she had just been slapped by that. Did Weaver ever found out she had drank at work? Had Luka told her? He was the only one who knew.
"Did you..."
"I didn't tell her," Luka said, reading her memory. "But it doesn't take a scientist to realize why you had been so spaced out and why your work had been unusual," he tried to put it gently, not wanting to anger her. "Some patients complained, Abby, and Weaver is not stupid."
Abby let out a sigh, knowing he was right. She knew that if Kerry was aware, her job was in danger. She could be put on probation, or even lose her job. But still, something on the back of her neck wouldn't let her go. She didn't want to just sit around doing nothing. If she did, then soon everyone would start stopping by and asking if she was ok. She wasn't a patient, she fell down but now she was up again and ready to walk. She needed to walk.
She looked up at Luka again. "So we'll just set a meeting, ok? I just wanna talk to her about when I'll be able to go back."
Luka stared at her for a moment, not knowing what to do. He knew that even if Abby called Kerry, they'd have to have a meeting first. In order for Abby to go back, she'd have to go through the same process Carter went through. That could take days if not weeks. He trusted Kerry, and he knew Abby was getting nowhere with this. So in defeat, he gave her the phone and walked away, he didn't want to hear her rejection.
~*~
As he changed and laid in bed with a book, he could hear Abby talking to Kerry from the kitchen. The conversation was taking longer than he thought it would, so he figured she was going no where with it. But soon after that Abby stopped talking, and she appeared through the door of the bedroom.
"So?" he asked, taking his glasses off.
"So, she wants to meet with me," Abby said as she began to take her clothes off, looking for her pajamas.
"When?" Luka asked.
"Tomorrow," Abby said casually.
"Tomorrow?" Luka repeated incredulously.
"Yeah," Abby said as she looked at him.
Luka closed his book and put it on the night table. This was going too fast. He thought Abby would be back and be too emotional and he'd put her together. Then it would take her a while to start living again and everything would have to be rebuilt slowly. But now Abby was meeting with Weaver a day after she had come back. He knew she was pretending everything was ok. There was no way a real human being go be acting so naturally. Before she went to rehab, she was so weak both emotionally and physically that he almost couldn't recognize her anymore.
He couldn't recognize her now either. As she got in bed next to him he looked down at her. "Are you sure you're ok, Abby?" he asked, trying to get her to tell him why she was pretending to be fine.
"Yeah," she said.
"I don't think it's smart to go back to work so fast," Luka said.
Abby smiled, "Luka, it's ok. I can handle it, trust me."
Luka let out a sigh and turned off the lamp. In the darkness, he felt Abby cuddle up next to him, resting her head on his right breast. He put his arms around her, trying to understand what was happening. While he was overjoyed that Abby was better now, he couldn't help but feeling her trembling a little against him. It wasn't a shaking, something you could see or recognize easily. But he could feel it. Her muscles were tense, and her breathing shallow. Was she still going through withdrawals? Obviously. Could she handle the ER like this? No. He knew it, and Abby knew it.
"I missed you," she whispered against him and he kissed her head.
This was wrong, all wrong, and this time he couldn't get her on a car to take her to Denial Rehab. This time he'd have to sit back and see her get hurt.
~*~
Before the morning even came, Abby laid wide awake in bed. She stared at the ceiling as Luka slept next to her, his arm around her waist. The hours went by and she couldn't sleep. She looked at Luka, and then around her room. The sun was beginning to come up and she slowly put his arm away to get out of bed. Going into the kitchen, she poured herself some juice and at the same time felt something knock against her door.
Perfect, the newspaper. She opened her door to find the paper on the floor, and at the same time her old neighbor walked out to get hers.
"Abby!" she sort of squealed in her old lady voice.
"Morning, Mrs. Bennett," Abby said with a smile.
"Where have you been?" the old lady asked.
"Well..."
"Things around here have been ok. I've been having some pains on my hips but the doctors tell me it's all in my head. Imagine a person making pain up, it's ridiculous. They gave me these pills but they still don't work and my insurance company doesn't want me going into more hospitals," she rambled on.
Abby just nodded as the old lady talked, looking around. When Mrs. Bennett stopped, Abby asked. "Mrs. Bennett? Did they paint the hallway?"
"Oh, no," the old lady said. "You know, that boyfriend of yours is nothing but trouble. He scared my Howard with his big loud boots, and now he won't come out unless I take him."
Abby nodded, trying to repress a smile, "I'm sorry about that, I-I'll talk to him." In a way she was pleased. Howard the cat would come out every morning and scratch Abby's newspaper, and of course Abby couldn't say anything to Mrs. Bennett, because the cat was almost royalty.
"Well, um," Abby said. "I should go make some breakfast."
"Take care, honey, and come by later for some tea," Mrs. Bennett said.
"I will," Abby said and closed the door. "On your wake," she mumbled when Mrs. Bennett couldn't hear her anymore. She sat on the table and opened up her newspaper, drinking her juice. At the same time, a sleepy Luka, with his hair standing on ends, came out of the room. Without saying a word he walked over, bent down and kissed her, lingering there for a while.
Abby looked at the clock, "Go back to bed, I'll wake you later."
"Mmm," Luka mumbled, his eyes closing. "Did you get some sleep?"
"Yeah," Abby lied and watched as he began to make some coffee.
"What time is your meeting?" he asked.
"I'll just go to work with you," Abby said and began to read the newspaper again.
Luka had given up on trying to convince her to take it slow. Obviously she wasn't listening to him, and he knew she was just banging her head against the wall over and over again. He hated saying 'I told you so'. He knew he would have to say it now too.
He sat on the table in front of her as she read the newspaper, and he waited for the coffee to brew. "Did they give you something?" he asked.
Abby looked up from the newspaper. "What?"
"Antibuse?" Luka asked.
Abby took a deep breath. "Yeah. I still don't know if Weaver wants me to take it every day."
"Probably," Luka said as he stood up and poured two cups of coffee. He watched as she read the newspaper, feeling uncomfortable. Oh Patience, where art thou.
~*~
"Hey, Abby," Dave exclaimed as he saw Luka and Abby walk into the ER.
"Hey, Dave," Abby smiled.
"Did you miss me?" Dave asked with a wink.
Abby nodded. "You bet."
"Did you bring me something?" Dave asked in a whisper.
"No, Dave. They were out of the 'My friend went to rehab and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' shirts," she joked, Dave nodded and Luka chuckled.
"Abby," Kerry walked their way, holding on to some charts. "Welcome back."
"Thank you," Abby smiled.
"You ready?" she said and motioned to the lounge.
"Yeah," Abby nodded nervously.
"Malucci make yourself useful," Kerry scolded him and walked into the lounge.
"Malucci, make yourself useful," Dave mocked her and walked away.
Abby looked up at Luka apprehensively.
"Good luck," he raised his eyebrows, gave her a kiss, and walked away.
Abby knew Luka wasn't ok with her returning to work so fast, but she needed to work. If she didn't, she'd crumble down to pieces, and then everyone would see just what a mess she was. No, this was better.
She walked into the lounge to see Mark and Kerry, waiting for her. She smiled uneasily.
"Sit down," Kerry offered her the other side of the table.
"How's everything going?" Mark asked with a little disinterest.
"Good," Abby said as she crossed her legs.
Kerry handed Abby some papers for her to read, the moment reminding her a lot like the time when Carter came back from rehab. Abby took her time, reading the sentences quickly and then put them down.
"That's no problem," she said.
"Just sign at the bottom," Mark said, reading something else.
"When will I be able to come back to work?" Abby asked.
"You will have to take your Antibuse every day and periodically we will do some urine tests to make sure you're not drinking again," Kerry added.
"I understand," Abby said.
"Once we know everything is under control, then you'll be able to resume your job as a nurse," Kerry said.
Abby smiled, "I, I think I'm ready to return, Dr. Weaver. I've been through this before, it gets easy," she chuckled nervously.
Mark looked up, "You think you can handle the ER?"
Abby nodded.
Kerry looked at Mark, and then at Abby. "Abby, I don't want to doubt you, but as much as we need a nurse right now..."
"Dr. Weaver, I-I, I'm ready, honestly," Abby said seriously. For a moment she was about to show them her steady pulse, but remembered she was still shaking a little, so her hands remained under the table.
Kerry looked at Mark again, not sure of what to do. After a long silence, she stood up, and Abby watched as her boss walked out the door. Once Kerry was out, she spotted who she was looking for.
"Luka, can you come here for a second?" she called out.
Luka looked at her in ignorance for a moment, scared something bad had happened in there, and put his chart down.
As soon as he walked into the lounge, he froze. There was Abby, Mark, and Kerry, sitting by the table, obviously having their meeting. He chose to stand because he was sure his ligaments were going to fail him. Why did they want to talk to him? Yes, he was an attending, and part of the decision making process as much as Mark or Kerry. But because of his romantic entanglement with Abby, Kerry had made it clear that he would remain out of this predicament. In fact, she had ordered him to. He began to feel angry.
"Luka, we were talking with Abby about the possibility of her returning to work sooner than we'd expected. While we don't particularly feel it is a smart move, because of her duties as a nurse and because she's not necessarily treats patients, we feel that maybe it could be possible for her to come back," Kerry said, playing with a piece of paper.
Luka looked at her in surprise, and watch the pleased expression on Abby's face. Where the hell did that came from? How was Abby able to convince Weaver that she was ready to come back to work after only one day of being back? Has the world come to an end? Or was this a dream.
"So," Mark began. "Abby claims that she is ready, both emotionally and physically."
Uh oh. Luka knew exactly where this was going. He wanted to reach for that door and disappear. But he remained still.
Kerry looked up at him, "Luka, do you think Abby is ready to resume her duties as a nurse in the ER?"
Luka looked from Kerry, to Mark, to Abby, who was looking at him, waiting for his answer. She wasn't smiling, or encouraging to say anything, or even moving. She was making painful eye contact, waiting for him to say something. He looked at Kerry again, "I don't see how my opinion..."
"Have you been with her since she came back?" Mark asked.
"Why should I answer that question?" Luka asked. "And why was I called here, Kerry, I thought you wanted me out of this."
"I do," Kerry said. "But because we need a different point of view we thought it was necessary to get yours. Both as an attending and as Abby's boyfriend you'd have the best insight into this situation," she said calmly.
Luka knew she was right, but still. They were putting him into a tight spot and he knew nothing good would come out of this. Everyone was looking at him with weary eyes and he suddenly felt tiny.
"So, do you think she is ready to handle the ER?" Mark asked again.
Luka looked at Abby, and their eyes interlocked without being able to look any other way. After what seemed the longest time, he finally looked down and then away.
"No," he muttered and immediately felt the Armageddon.
Abby closed her eyes and looked down, and Kerry immediately at her. "Sorry, Abby, rules are rules. The decision was unanimous. We will require 90 meetings in 90 days and we will be contacting you to let you know when you'll be able to come back," she said as she and Mark stood up, gathering their things. She limped past Luka and looked up at him. "Thank you, Luka, that'll be all."
Luka keep looking down, as did Abby, as both Mark and Kerry walked out of the lounge, leaving them alone. As Luka opened his mouth to say something, Abby stood up, grabbed her purse and stormed out.
Luka closed his eyes, letting out a sigh and walked after her. "Abby," he called out and caught up with her in the ambulance bay. He had never seen her walk so fast. "Abby, wait."
"How dare you!" Abby yelled at him as she turned around. "This is my job what the fuck gives you the right to get in the way!"
Luka took a deep breath, feeling anger as well, although not as angry as Abby was. "Abby you know you're not ready for this."
"I need my job, Luka!" Abby said sternly, not yelling anymore, but just as mad.
"You need to take it slow!" it was now Luka's turn to yell.
"It's none of your business!" Abby yelled back.
"Yes, I think it is," Luka said. "I am an attending, and I am your boyfriend so whether you like it or not, it is my business also, because I'm the one who has to deal with your job here, and I'm the one who has to deal with your stupid mistakes at home!"
As soon as he said that, he felt the side of his face burn. He closed his eyes, feeling the strike over and over even after she had slapped him. As soon as he opened them, he saw Abby walking away from him, almost running. He felt his stomach boil and his nostrils blare and the anger consuming him. At that moment he wanted to punch someone, and he knew exactly who.
He stormed back into the ER, watching as Mark and Kerry went on about their business as if nothing had happened. He reached the front desk and knocked the chart rack out of the way. "Are you happy now?" he yelled, and the ER immediately went quiet.
"Luka," Kerry said strictly.
"Is that what you wanted? To fuck everything up? Well congratulations!" Luka yelled again.
Carter walked over hesitantly and put his hand on Luka's shoulder, but Luka immediately pulled away. "Come on, man," Carter tried to calm Luka down.
"I did what I thought was necessary in order to make the best decision," Kerry said calmly, but somehow nervous that Luka would get out of control.
"Oh yeah, because that's all you do. Fuck people's personal lives, as long as Kerry Weaver's ER is running smoothly the rest of the world can go to hell!" Luka yelled at her.
"Luka don't make me call security," Mark warned, and at that, Carter immediately grabbed Luka's arm, trying to pull him away from the scene.
"It was my decision, Luka," Kerry added.
"Fuck you, Kerry!" he yelled at her again and finally let Carter take him into the lounge. As soon as he did, he grabbed the table and knocked it out of the way.
"Hey!" Carter yelled.
"Bitch," Luka muttered.
"Sit down, Luka," Carter ordered him, but the man kept pacing up and down. "Do you wanna lose your job?"
Luka wasn't listening. He was, but his mind was racing and his body was out of control. He wanted to, he needed to punch someone. Without even thinking, he went over to punch his own locker, but Carter's arms held him back. He turned around to punch Carter, but the younger doctor dodged him easily.
"Luka calm down!" Carter yelled again, but Luka seemed out of control, and in his eyes Carter saw a hate he had never seen before. What the hell had happened? With weary eyes he watched as Luka opened up his locker, took his things out, and stormed out of the lounge. For a moment Carter thought he'd go after Kerry again, but he watched as Luka walked out of the ER doors and into the street.
Closing his eyes, he let out a sigh and sat down, suddenly feeling the fright he hadn't felt before.
~*~
As Luka reached the street, he began to walk, with no destination. People were looking at him in a weird way but he didn't notice. He needed to punch something, he needed to throw things, and he needed to release all this anger before it consumed him inside. It had been a long time since he felt like a mad man, the night he killed that mugger, if he remembered correctly. He was tired of being people's punching bag, of being taken advantage off, of Kerry Weaver and her callous intentions. He could still feel Abby's hand on his face and he was sure it would leave a mark. On moments like these he felt like taking his car and driving away, far away. Fuck Chicago and everyone who lived here.
Be supportive. Be patient. Be there. Bullshit.
To be continued...
