Mutual Obsession
Part Four: Duo
I smelled like grease and sweat. It happens, though, when you work in a car garage, and I can't say I dislike it. It was nice, being around these people, people who appreciated me, who liked me. And even though we weren't as close as I thought the other pilots and me could have been, we were close. And it was fun, taking apart and reassembling cars. It was a nice life…I guess.
"Hey, Jimmy, pass me the monkey wrench." Like now, I got to work on this vintage Porsche. They haven't made these since AC 145, and they were rare as hell to see around nowadays, especially on a run down colony like L2. Something slammed into my open palm and I was about to pull away the metal stick, when I realized Jimmy wasn't letting go. I looked up, exasperated, and froze when I saw whose hand was connected to mine. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. "Heero?"
He didn't say anything, just stood there, and I wondered if I was supposed to start the conversation when he had been the one to search for me. And he was just looking at me, with that generic glare he gives every one, blue eyes narrowed in… well, in whatever emotion he was feeling. I looked at him, and every time he had ever told me to shut up, or to be quiet, every time he had dismissed me, every time he pretended like I wasn't even there, it all came back to me, and I remembered why I had left in the first place. I wasn't mad, I wasn't hurt, I was just…tired. I was just tired of everything. I didn't need them treating me like a second-class citizen.
I didn't know why the hell he was here.
I pulled the wrench from his grasp and went back to working on the car. I know I wasn't smiling any more, but suddenly, I just didn't have the energy. And he was just standing there. The wrenched dropped from my hand, falling into the bowels of the car's engine. I clenched my eyes shut, gathering myself, then opened them to look up at him again.
"What." I sounded resigned, I know it, but I just wanted him to leave. "What do you want, Heero."
He flinches, just a little, and I wonder why. "I just… I wanted to talk to you."
"So talk." I leaned against the car, crossing my arms, just waiting for him to say whatever the hell he had to say so I could go on with my life.
"I want you to come back."
I looked at him, and I don't even know what my expression was at the moment, because I didn't feel anything. Not shocked, not happy, not outraged, just…weary. "Sorry, Heero, I'm not cut out for solitary confinement."
And with that statement I made my way into the office. I had paperwork to do; the Porsche could wait until Heero Yuy was gone.
I know what the other pilots had done. They had secluded me from their lives, whether it was intentional or not, and I didn't see a point in living with people who chose to ignore my existence more often than not. I know what I meant to them, that much was almost painfully obvious, and I'd be lying to say it didn't hurt. Because it did, especially when they all got along so well with the others. And for some reason, it hurt just a little more when it was Heero. Maybe it was because I thought we had a tentative friendship, maybe it was because I thought I was helping him when it was obvious I wasn't, I don't know. At any rate, I'm made of stronger stuff than that, and if there were people out there that would rather not be around me, so be it. I don't need them.
No matter how much I want to.
My childhood held fleeting moments of security, few and far between. What I remember the most was hunger, fear, thirst, hate… I think, maybe, I just wanted my own piece of security, maybe with people who might have understood where I was coming from.
And I thought… Heero… I don't know what I thought about Heero. Heero had been the strength during the war, he had been salvation. But to me… he was just another boy. His flaws were as obvious to me as my own, and I thought we might have been similar. He seemed so lost. I thought if I helped him find himself, he would return the favor.
But I'm not sure what I think any more.
I looked at the papers beneath my hand, realizing it that it had been an hour and I hadn't done anything. I had a private office, just a tiny room that could have been the broom closet at one point, but it was mine. And at least there weren't any people around to ask me if I was okay, because I know I didn't really look like I was.
Suddenly, a shuffling sound at the door caught my attention, and I walked around the desk to see what it was. A folded note was being pushed under the door, and I sat against it as I picked the thing up. Opening it, I caught sight of small, precise handwriting. Heero's.
Then come live with me.
I laugh, and I realize it comes out like a hiccup. Bitter and unbelieving. I already had a pencil gripped in my hand, and scribbled a note beneath his before sliding it back.
Why can't you just leave me alone?
I was fine with leaving them, I was okay with the fact that I would never be a part of their lives. But I didn't need them to come remind me of it out of a sense of obligation or duty. Then the note slid back under the door, and I gripped the thin white sliver in between my fingers.
I'd miss you.
And there it was. The declaration. I didn't know if it merited laughter, or tears, but I decided it was enough to get me to open the door.
"I thought you didn't like me."
He stood up from where he was almost comically crouched on the floor, staring at me with a confused expression on his face, and I wondered if he realized he had been part of why I had left. "How could I not like you?"
I was so confused. I shook my head, remembering everything that had happened the days before I had left, everything that had ended up pushing me away. I remembered Wufei's open disdain, Trowa's indifference, Quatre's unconscious attitude. And I remembered Heero, happy, looking like he had never been lost before in his life. I came up with my answer for him, a simple statement I wasn't sure if he would understand. "I never made you laugh."
I closed the door on him then, placing a box full of papers behind the door so he couldn't slip any more notes in. I figured he would get the message and just go.
When I came out of my office that night, there was a note tacked to the front of my door. It was a simple message, just one sentence.
I'll be at the house if you ever change your mind.
My mind supplied me with a picture of Heero, walking off and looking for all the world like a dejected puppy.
I really needed to think.
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