Chapter 3
The
following day at school, Alan avoided J as much as possible. Which was hard, seeing as how they had 3 classes and lunch together. It tore Alan apart not to talk to J, but he
wouldn't be able to talk to her without telling her, and he still couldn't
figure out how to tell her that his mother forbid him to have any sort of
contact with J. By the end of school,
however, J was tired of being ignored by her best
friend and tired of guessing at why. She
cornered Alan at his locker.
"Why
have you been avoiding me all day?" she demanded. Alan stuffed his books in his locker, evading
her eyes.
"I'm
not supposed to," he mumbled. J's
forehead wrinkled in confusion and frustration.
"Not
supposed to? What does that
mean?" Alan made no reply, slamming
his locker shut and zipping up his backpack. J reached out and grabbed his arm.
"Alan,
stop and look at me!" she nearly shouted. Alan looked up to eyes full of fear, fear that deepened when she saw his
own pain-filled eyes. "Alan, what's
going on?" she whispered. "She's not…is she?" Alan licked his lips, frantically searching for a way to say what he
needed to say without making J mad. Finally, he gave up. There was no
way.
"I'm
not supposed to see you anymore. That's
what my mother said." he replied softly. J's eyes widened in shock,
"What?! Why?! What?!" Her yell
echoed in the empty hallway. Curious
attendees of after school activities and teachers on detention duty poked their
heads out of classrooms to see what the disturbance was. J blushed, "sorry," she said sheepishly. "We're having a discussion." Students snickered and teachers clucked
disapprovingly as they returned to whatever they had been doing. Alan rubbed his fingertips over his temples
as J turned back to him, features insisting for an explanation.
"She
doesn't think that you're a 'proper young lady', and therefore you must have a
bad influence on me, apparently." Alan shrugged as J's eyes flashed, but he cut her off before she could
snap some sort of angry retort. "Look, my mom's just weird about these kinda
things. I figure just give it time, and
she'll get used to everything, and it'll all be normal, okay?" he promised
wearily. J adjusted her backpack as her
jaw set out stubbornly halfway—as a sign that she was going to relent but not
like it one bit.
"Alright. So no hanging out on weekends or after school. But," she jabbed Alan's chest with her
finger, "I'm not gonna let you ignore me in
school. AND
this is just temporary, short term. You
got that? And
if ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING else happens that
bothers you, you tell me about it." Alan nodded, giving J a small smile, which seemed to calm her down.
J picked
Alan's backpack up off the floor and handed it to him. "Now scoot. You're late for football practice, and if I
don't run, I'll be late for piano." Alan's grin widened as he ran off down the hallway. 'Maybe
things are going to work out after all,' he thought. Back at his locker, J stood, thinking as
well. Only her musings were less
optimistic than Alan's.
***
A few days
later, right after Alan was banned from football by his
mother, he caught word that Sunshine had asked J to dinner Friday, and
she accepted. The date was very casual,
and she'd gone on such before, but it was devastating
to Alan. When he'd
first found out, the world had stopped moving. The previous month's events flew through his mind like a speeding train:
On the
phone with her at camp, then falling asleep plagued by her voice and
image. Watching her
grow closer to Sunshine while he (Alan) spectated in
a world of unspeakable pain. The realization that he loved her, his best friend. Hearing her voice in a
fuzzy, dreamlike way as he lay on his bedroom floor, drifting into
unconsciousness. Finally, his
mother not allowing him to see J, the girl that he loved but who
would never love him back…at least not that way.
Now, the
train crashed, and exploded into an universe of pain
that he never thought possible. His
mother had taken football and J away, and now, in a sense, J had taken herself
even further away. Alan wondered what was left.
***
J sat on
her porch after the date. Nothing. She felt
nothing. Sunshine had dropped her off an
hour ago. Nothing. The date had been fun, a lot of fun. But it was as if she
had gone out on a date with a friend. Like with Gerry or something. Now
J was completely and utterly baffled. She had thought that she liked Sunshine. She had thought that she was going to feel something, anything,
tonight. She had felt nothing.
J could
have sworn that there was some sort of attraction between her and
Sunshine. He was the epitome of all her
Californian dreams, and she reminded him of the girls back home. J got up and scuffed her foot on the old
wooden porch floor. Something, some
emotion, was preventing her from feeling anything besides friendship towards
Sunshine. But
for the life of her, she couldn't figure out what it was.
Sighing, J
flopped back down onto her porch swing. Her thoughts drifted back to Alan. Something was wrong with him. He
was acting normal, but she could tell that he was hiding something. Well, one thing was for sure, J didn't like
or trust his mother one bit, and it had nothing to do with Miss Sydney not
being all that fond of J. J made an aggravated noise in her throat as
she flung herself up from the swing, ready to defy any obstacle in her
way. That was it! Tomorrow she was confronting Alan, and she wouldn't leave till he told her the truth about what was
going on.
Somewhat
satisfied, J relaxed a little, so she headed inside the house to prepare for
bed.
***
J never got the chance. Alan somehow kept away from her for the entire day, and she couldn't find him after school. That was the same afternoon that Sunshine discovered the cut on Alan's head. Later that night, Sunshine showed up at J's door. "It's Alan," he said. J felt her face go pale as she gripped the door for stability.
"Let
me get my coat."
***
J observed
him lying there, stir, and wake up. She
saw everyone welcome him back to consciousness. And gradually her mixture of relief and worry
melted into anger. It was like leaving
an ice cube on the sidewalk on a hot day. Soon she was burning up, and if you asked, she'd
tell you that her face was as red as her hair. Slowly, the team and both coaches trickled out of the room, leaving J
standing there.
Alan
watched her from his bed. Now he knew what
prisoners must have felt as they were being led to
their deaths, those heart-sickening seconds as they gazed into the hooded face
of their executioner. J was about to
blow, and Alan knew it. "Uh, J, let
me explain—" J's
eyes were fire as she furiously clenched and unclenched her fists.
"Explain? I don't see what
there is too explain! You lied to
me! You said that you would tell me if
ANYTHING like this happened again, and you didn't! I trusted you and you lied to me!" Alan inched backwards in his bed, knowing it
was safer to not interrupt J or suffer her wrath. J began pacing back and forth in front of the
bed.
"Your
mother was ruining your life and you pretended that it didn't bother you. You pushed all your friends away, avoided
me," with each point, J ticked off a finger as a number. "You didn't tell me ANY of this, which
you should have no matter what, but the fact that you told me that you would
let me know if anything was bothering you, then you didn't...I can't believe
you! And then your mother started
hurting you—admittedly not as bad as your father, but still…" Then, for a
second, J stopped pacing and all her anger was gone. It was replaced by a
wellspring of hurt. Feelings
of betrayal.
"Sunshine
said that you threatened suicide." Her chin shook and her voice took on a shaky tone, "is that what
you were going to do? Go and kill
yourself and maybe leave me some stupid 'I'm sorry, goodbye' letter? I thought that I was your best friend. I thought that best friends meant more to
each other than that." Once again,
anger fought it's way back onto J's face, blazed in
her eyes, and clung to her voice. Alan
shifted uncomfortably in his bed as he braced himself for the next onslaught.
"But I
guess not. I guess you don't consider me your best friend. I still care about you as my friend, but I'm
not gonna keep working at this friendship if you
don't care." With that, J stomped
out of the room with one final smoldering glare sent Alan's way. Alan slumped back in his bed, a stabbing pain
in his chest. 'So this is what a broken heart feels like,' he thought.
***
It didn't take as long for Alan to heal as it did the first
time. When Coach Yoast
got up in front of everyone and announced that he was adopting Alan, J stood
amidst the applause. She walked right up
to Coach and hugged him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered. However, though J was relieved that Alan would finally have a real father
and a safe home, she was still mad at him.
The next
day at school, it was J who ignored Alan. The youth knew that it was hopeless to try and talk to her, so instead, he wrote. He wrote a letter to
J, pouring out his thoughts, feelings, and apologies. Yet, when he was finished, it still wasn't quite complete. Alan did not know how to tell J what he truly felt for her.
***
It was the
middle of the night and Alan couldn't sleep. Coach said that it was because he was still
getting used to his new surroundings, but Alan knew the real reason. It was J. She had unknowingly stuffed visions of herself in his mind's eye; her
voice and laughter echoed in his ears. Giving
up on sleep, Alan crept out of his bed and flicked on the light. Grabbing a pen and paper, he began to write.
The
following day, Alan woke up early in order to catch J before classes. She headed towards her locker, with an
exasperated face upon seeing him. "What do you want, Alan?" Alan held up his note.
"Read
this J, please. Hate me if you want when
you're done, but please read this." J rolled her eyes,
"Oh,
alright, fine," she said with a sigh. She grabbed the letter and shoved it in her pants pocket. "Now if you would excuse me, I have to
meet someone before first class."
***
J didn't speak to Alan for the rest of the day. Deep down she knew that she was being harsh, but her temper and pride kept her from doing otherwise. That night, she tossed and turned in her bed, counted sheep, even drank warm milk, but slumber continued to elude her. J had the nagging sense that she was forgetting something, something important.
Sitting up in bed, J gazed around her room. Sticking out of her hamper were her jeans. Remembering Alan's note, J walked over and pulled out the folded papers. "Can't hurt to read it," she said to herself. J opened the note and read.
Dear J:
I'm
so sorry. So
unbelievably sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never do anything purposefully to hurt you in my right
mind. I really don't
know what came over me. I didn't want anyone to worry about me, and I didn't want
anyone treating me like I was made of glass. I guess that's something that my parents left
me with—not being allowed to show anyone any weakness. I was scared to tell you because I knew how you'd react. The only
reason I told Sunshine anything was because he just
happened to be there.
As for threatening suicide…I don't know what came over me. I don't know what I
was thinking and I don't know what I would have done. I just know that I felt like I had nothing
left. My mother took away the only two
things in life that I cared about: football/the team and you. I felt…I don't
know…but J, when she told me that I couldn't see you anymore, it was like the
world around me crumbled.
You said earlier that I don't see you as a best friend and that I don't care about
our friendship. I know that it wasn't obvious from the way that I acted, but nothing could
be further from the truth. J, our
friendship means more to me than anything else. And I care about you so much…I avoided you
because I was scared. I was scared that
my mother would somehow find out and prevent me from ever seeing you at all and
I couldn't stand that thought. I know that it doesn't
make any sense, but I wasn't thinking straight.
So J, I'm
so sorry. Please forgive me. I'll understand if
you still don't want to have anything to do with me, but please at least
forgive me.
And there's something else that
you need to know, but I don't know how to say it.
There the letter ended. All of J's anger faded away, like a hazy red mist dissipating. But how could the letter just stop there? Frantically J searched for more. There, on the floor, was another folded piece of paper that had fallen out of the first letter when J had opened it. With trembling hands, J picked up the letter. This had been written at a separate time from the first note, for the ink was in blue instead of black.
I can't sleep, Jules. All I can think about is you. And now I know how to tell you what I feel. These words just appeared in my head. I think you should read them, Jules.
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm
falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm
standing here until you make me move
I'm
hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll
take your invitation
you
take all of me
I'm
falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm
standing here until you make me move
I'm
hanging by a moment here with you
I'm
living for the only thing I know
I'm
running and not quite sure where to go
I don't know what I'm diving into
I'm hanging my a moment here with you
There is nothing else to lose
There is nothing else to find
There is nothing in the world that could change my mind
There is nothing else
I'm
falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm
standing here until you make me move
I'm
hanging by a moment here with you
Jules, I know
that you're going out with Sunshine, but there's
something that you need to know. I love
you.
J sat speechless on her bad, a rising lump in her throat. "Alan," she whispered. She knew what she had to do.
***
J raced through the night until she reached a homely rancher. A glimpse through the window revealed Sunshine, head titled to the side, in a recliner in front of the television. He was fast asleep. A bittersweet smile on her face, J jogged over to the door and knocked just loud enough to cause Sunshine to jolt awake. He shook his head, blinked a few times, and jumped to answer the door.
"J! Are you alright? What's wrong? Do you need any help? Stepping onto the porch, he pulled her into a hug. Voice muffled because her face was mashed against Sunshine's shoulder, J answered,
"Uh, Sunshine, we need tuh talk." Sunshine released her.
"Oh, okay." He motioned towards a pair of chairs, "do you want to sit?" J nervously ran her hands through her hair.
"I think we'd better." J took a seat next to Sunshine, rubbing her hands together. "I've come to talk to you about our relationship. I…I don't think that I feel about you the way you feel about me. I'm really, really sorry. This just isn't going to work. I'm sorry. I hope that we can still be friends." When J was finished, there was a long pause. Eventually, Sunshine spoke, a somber look in his eyes.
"I know. I've always kinda known. That you felt nothing besides friendship towards me, I mean." J stood and Sunshine copied her action.
"Staring tomorrow, I'm gonna find you a girlfriend, okay?" Sunshine chuckled, a half-smile on his face, though his eyes were still melancholy.
"Not right away, kay? I still gotta get over my old girlfriend." J returned Sunshine's smile,
"Okay. Again, I'm so sorry." She leaned in and gave Sunshine a light hug. "Thanks for understanding." Then she disappeared into the night. Sunshine stood where she had left him for a few moments.
"Bye J," he whispered before returning inside.
***
J reached and gripped the branch above her, hauling herself up. "Why can't Alan have a first floor bedroom?" she muttered. Finally, she arrived at Alan's window and was about to rap upon it when she stopped herself. 'Wait a minute,' she thought. 'What if he didn't mean all that stuff in the letter. What if I misinterpreted it? He could just love me as a sister, or a best friend, and now I'm about to make an idiot of myself.'
As J was sitting outside arguing with herself, Alan was waking up. He hadn't been sleeping well that night, and the noises coming from the tree outside his window had disturbed him. Cautiously, he tip-toed over to his window and slid it open. When J heard the slight creaking noise of the window being opened, she tried to hide. 'Great, now he's gonna think I'm crazy.' But she didn't duck in time.
"J? What are you doing here in the middle of the night?" Alan hissed. "Are you alright?" He proceeded to try and climb out of the window, but his lanky figure made the process near impossible. J waved a hand,
"No, you don't need to get out. I just wanted to ask you something." Heart thudding, Alan sat on the window frame.
' Perfect. She read the note and thinks I'm some sort of lovesick idiot.' he inwardly groaned. "Uh, what do you want to know?" J anxiously scoured her brain for a suitable answer.
"Um, in your letter, the second one,"
'Oh no, here it comes,' Alan moaned inwardly,
"you called me Jules. I was just wondering, um, where'd you come up with that nickname? 'Cause no one's ever called me that. Dad says that Mom would refer to me as Jules—but I don't remember, obviously…" Alan winced. Perfect. He knew how hard it was for J to talk about her mother. And now he'd gone and drudged up a painful subject.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. The name just came to me. I'm sorry, I won't use it again if you don't want." J shook her head,
"No, it's okay. You can call me Jules." Her eyes filled with an emotion that Alan knew well, but couldn't believe that he was seeing. "But only you." J finished.
"Okay," Alan answered softly. "So you read my note, then?" J's eyes were warm,
"The whole thing." Alan shifted uncomfortably on his seat.
"Look, Jules, I'm so sorry, I—"
"It's okay, Alan," J interrupted. "You've apologized enough. I forgive you." Alan closed his eyes and nodded, slowly opening them again.
"Thank you."
"It's nothing." J's voice turned guilty. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I was so cold to you when you needed me to forgive you." Alan flicked a bug from the sill and answered.
"Don't worry about it. I forgive you too." J flashed a heart-stopping smile and moved closer to Alan.
"Then we're even. C'mere." She reached over and hugged Alan. 'Twas a rather awkward embrace, for she was precariously perched on a tree branch and he was half in and half out of his window. After a few seconds, J drew away. "Now, don't you EVER do anything like that to me again!" she scolded. "Next time, you're going to tell me if something is wrong, and I'm not accepting any more excuses!" Alan grinned,
"Okay. So long as the same goes for you." J's voice was full of laughter,
"Deal." Her eyes met with Alan's, and their hazel and blue orbs locked. Just as their faces were centimeters apart, a football whizzed by Alan's ear. J and Alan's heads snapped in the direction that the pigskin ball came from. There was Sheryl, leaning out of her next door window.
"Well, it took the two of you long enough. Now, would you pipe down and go to bed! Some of us are trying to sleep here." As Sheryl retreated back to her bedroom, J and Alan broke out in a fit of hushed laughter. J glanced down and saw the football lying on the Yoast's lawn.
"Hey Alan," she suggested puckishly. "You wanna?" Alan saw where J was looking. A smile crept on his face.
"Alright. Bring it on." After much rustling and many near falls, Alan and J made it down the tree and into the yard. They tossed, punted, and tackled for awhile until J tripped on a tree branch and went down fast.
"Jules!" Alan rushed to her side and helped her up. J was shaking in laughter.
"I'm fine," she gulped between gasps of air. Alan's face broke into a wide grin.
"You sure you're okay?" he asked, trying not to laugh as well.
"Yeah, don't worry." J's smile faded as she stared into Alan's eyes. "I have to tell you something," she said after a lapse of silence. Searching J's eyes for a sign of anything unsettling, Alan found nothing.
"What?" he queried softly.
"I
love you," replied J. A smile
tugged at Alan's lips, but never made it all the way. For at the following second, his mouth was on
J's in a sweet and soft kiss. J's arms
slowly wrapped around Alan's neck as his arms snaked around her waist, the
couple drawing closer under the moonlit, star-studded sky.
Alrighty folks, that's all
we have for now. Shouldn't
be too long till we have the next chapter ready, so till then, hold tight and
review! We'll
give you sugar if you review *smile* i gots plenty ta share.
