I don't want to appear insensitive to Gerry's death, and I hope that that is clear in this chapter. But I'm also caught because this story is about J and Alan, and all of the feelings that they're experiencing, not just grief. So I'm doing my best to strike a balance between their grief and everything else that they're feeling. I really hope that I'm doing a good job.
Chapter 9
The Space Between (Part 2)
The space between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?
Fall 1981
Neither Alan nor J took the news well, but who would expect them to? J collapsed sobbing when she received the message, whereas Alan never shed a tear. But then, he had bottled up all of his emotions for the past seven years. Both were too consumed with grief to even note that they would both, obviously, be at the funeral. That's not what's important. What's important, at least right now, is to honor Gerry. That was all that was on anyone's mind.
***
Alan struggled to keep the lump in his throat down as the Eulogy ended. Softly, Julius began singing the song that had become the anthem of the Titans at football camp all those years ago. The whole team joined in. 'Twas a fitting farewell. With legs and heart like lead, Alan forced himself to walk away, paying tribute, fervently praying that Gerry could hear all that his heart was screaming. He trudged back to the car, but he couldn't get in and drive away. Something was still out of place. He couldn't leave yet. Alan shook his head at Coach, who was his ride. Coach nodded in understanding and proceeded to leave. Alan stood back and let him.
Exhaust fumes stung his throat as Alan, in a daze, watched the cars somberly pull away. Alan gazed around, trying to find what was keeping him from making peace with Gerry's death.
The space between
Where you smile and hide
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The space between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
Then he saw it. Or her, to be precise. Before his brain could register what he was seeing, the world became fuzzy and Alan's mind's eye took over.
***
"Alan! Gerry! Guys, come on! Let me play!" Gerry and Alan stopped tossing the football back and forth long enough to answer the frustrated 7-year-old glaring at them.
"You can't play, Julie," stated Gerry matter-of-factly.
"Why not?" Julie's voice clearly displayed her mounting anger.
Alan shook his head, trying to dismiss her. "Because you're a girl."
Julie's jaw set tightly. "What does me being a girl have to do with it? You guys used to let me play with you."
Gerry rolled his eyes and proceeded to continue his catch with Alan. "We didn't know any better then. Now—OOF!—" Gerry was not able to finish his sentence because before he knew it, Julie ran into, tackled, and pinned him to the ground.
"I'm not so much of a girl anymore, am I?" she smirked. Alan stood by, football in hand, unable to decide whether or not to gape or laugh.
Julie spat out some hair that had wandered into her mouth. "I'm one of the guys now, got it? My name isn't Julie anymore—call me that and you'll get my fist in your face. From now on, my name is J."
***
J blinked back the tears that had already dampened her face. That memory…when she'd first decided upon her nickname. She, Gerry, and Alan had been friends before that, but from that point on, they may as well have been joined at the hip, for there was no separating them. With a shuddering gasp, J lost the struggle she'd been waging not to cry even more.
***
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into your room
The space between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain
The vision, the memory, faded from Alan's mind and freed him to see again. A leaf fell from a tree and fastened itself in her hair. Hair of the same beautiful autumn leaf color, only now instead of stopping at those perfect shoulders, it cascaded down to her smoothly curved elbows. "Jules," Alan breathed. She was gorgeous, having blossomed since high school. She stood, oblivious to her audience, in front of Gerry's grave. Her shoulders shook slightly; it was clear that she was fighting to hold back sobs.
For one heart-twisting moment, Alan stood, watching her. His feet were molded to the ground as an entire lifetime of flashbacks played through his mind. If J was looking at him, she would have seen a haunted but compassionate, intense but soft, gaze to Alan's eyes as any of the remaining negative emotions from the past seven years that he still held melted away. He couldn't hesitate a moment longer.
Ten or so striding steps and Alan was directly beside J. He paused just long enough to drink in the vibrations that came from being so close to her after being apart for so long. Without a second thought, he wrapped his arms around her. Alan felt J tense for a second before she realized who it was, then she relaxed, all of her anger gone as well. There was an instant of indecision before J buried her head in the crook of Alan's arm and let her tears seep to his jacket. In turn, Alan lay his chin across the back of her head. Together, they let Gerry go. Together, they stored Gerry in their hearts. Together they mourned, together they cried.
When the tears ceased and the burden lessened, Alan pulled away enough from J so he could speak. "Give me your keys. Give me your keys, let me drive you home."
***
Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need, dear, here
Alan smoothed the car to a stop in front of the small but inviting suburban home silently pointed out by J. They quietly got out of the car and walked up to the front door. As J stuck her key in the lock, Alan rocked back on his heels. "So…"
"So are you coming in or not?" J asked as she pushed the door open.
Alan stared after her retreating figure, stammering. "What? Well, I, uh—in?"
J turned, laughter sparkling in her eyes and lilting in her voice. "Yes, in, silly. You kind of missed your ride with Coach. You're going to need somewhere to stay until someone comes to get you."
Alan's cheeks colored and his mouth curved upwards in an embarrassed smile. "Oh, yeah, okay." He ducked his head and shuffled meekly into the house.
***
An hour later found Alan waiting on the couch as J heated some water to make them tea. (J had one of those kitchen/living rooms that is really one big room and no one can tell where one ends and the other begins.) Alan had tried calling Coach a number of times in the past hour, but there hadn't been an answer.
All of a sudden, J glanced up from what she was doing just as Alan leapt from his seat. Her eyes locked with his, and she was confronted with a haunted but compassionate, intense but soft, gaze that was strangely familiar. "You know what went through my head as I saw you again, for the first time in so long?" Alan whispered. Transfixed, J shook her head, and Alan did not wait for a vocal answer. "I saw years of life, our life, go by. From when we were babies running around in diapers together to our first kiss. It led to me wonder what possible reason there could be for Gerry's death. I couldn't find one. Then I figured, Gerry would want some good to come out of this. And there was only one thing I could think of: you. Me and you."
Alan stopped, not able to tear his eyes from J's. She leapt from her spot and answered him in a way that even he wasn't expecting.
The space between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The space between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The space between…
Muahahaha…I think we'll end it there. And just a
little note to all you happy readers, it's gonna take awhile
