Disclaimer—"crash and burn" belongs to savage garden, not me or Kelly. So please don't sue us. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
On a side note, Kelly and I were bored one day (well, I was bored. Kelly loves doing this kind of thing, which is cool b/c she saved my life back when I had to plan a wedding in less than a week for health class) and we went to bluenile.com and designed j's engagement ring. If anyone's interested in seeing it, email me at gabby-kora@juno.com and I'll send you the pic. Yay! Now go r/r or I'll cry. Really, I will. *sniffles*
Chapter 13
"Crash and Burn"
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart
It took every iota of Alan's willpower not to slam his foot down on the gas and break the speed limit by a hundred. He struggled to keep his focus as his mind replayed the events from only five minutes ago.
***
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
Mike answered the phone. Alan was working on his latest piece—J with Hercules perched on her shoulders and Romeo bounding at her side, drawn from a photograph. Mike did not want to disturb him. "Hello?"
***
When darkness is upon your door and
You feel like you can't take anymore…
Alan had just started detailing the fuzz around Hercules' ears when Mike stuck his head in the door. Something in the principal's eyes made Alan drop his pencil. "J was taking her father out to lunch today, right?"
Alan nodded, "yeah, that's what she told me."
Mike took a deep breath, then continued. "They never made it. I'm not sure of the details, but Gregory didn't survive and the doctors say J won't last the night."
***
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
It kept repeating over and over again in his head like some morbid broken record as Alan leapt from his car and raced into the hospital. He didn't even process his frantic conversations with the nurses and his sprint to her room. Nothing was clear until the saw her. Alan began shaking from the first glance. Her hair, with its blood red color, was a startling contrast to the paper whiteness of her face. Her visage was too pale. Deathly pale. Dizzy and shuddering, Alan made his way over beside her bead and sank heavily into a chair.
Now he knew what everyone must have felt like all those times he'd ended up in the hospital. Studying again J's prone form, Alan decided that he'd much rather be the one in the bed instead of beside it. It didn't hurt as much.
***
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You're not alone.
The nurses talked Alan into leaving the room (it really wasn't that hard, for the poor man was in such a daze and detached from the rest of the world they had to do little more than take his hand and lead him) when visiting hours were over. Alan plodded down the hallway and settled himself in an armchair. If he slept, he did so with his eyes open, gaze focused on the door to J's room.
In the morning, Mike came with breakfast. No amount of persuading could make Alan move from his spot, despite the man's best efforts. Alan wouldn't budge until he was allowed back into J's room. At noon, Coach stopped by with more food for Alan. He tried to sit and talk with his son, but Alan wasn't in much of a conversationalist mood.
***
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one-way street
With the monsters in your head
Beep. Beep. Beep. Alan remembered hating that noise, it was always the one that awakened him from that peaceful land of sleep, and brought about a world of pain in every inch of his body. But now, now it was his anchor. So long as there was still that beep, there was hope.
Hope. J had lasted the night, contrary to the doctors' predictions. She hadn't, however, gotten any better. Her condition was still unstable. Alan fingered the crimson curls that spider webbed around her body. Even her hair was injured; it had lost its glossy shine; now it was dull. With all this, it was hard to have hope, but hope was all Alan had.
Still wrapping pieces of her hair around his finger, Alan cleared his throat and began speaking to his fiancée's comatose form. "Jules…I've never seen you like this before, and it terrifies me. So…empty of life, so still. You've never looked like this in all the time I've known you, and that's a long time, not even when you're sleeping. Even in slumber you've still got a certain fire to you. At least you did when you were a kid…remember those camp-outs you, me, and Gerry used to have in each other's backyards when we were young?
An inexpressible flash of pain seared through Alan's chest at the memory and he had to pause. When he got his voice back, its husky quality matched his haggard features. "I can't lose you, Jules. Not you, your dad, and Gerry all in less than a year. I can't do it. I just got you back…you can't leave me, not again. I love you. When I first kissed you, I thought I loved you then, but that was barely love. Even 2 months ago, when I proposed, I thought I couldn't love you a single bit more than I did then, but that pales in comparison to how much I love you now. So you have to pull through this, Jules." Alan whispered the last word. "Please."
His heart pounding, Alan held his breath. This was the decisive moment, he could feel it; she'd either wake up now or she'd never…beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeee…The pulsating line on the green monitor flattened and the assuring beep stretched out into one deathly noise. Alan let out his breath in a quivering cry. His heart ripped in two, insides screamed in anguish.
In the same second, J's eyes snapped open and she sat up with a whoosh. "Nurse! I need help! I think I'm dead!" Exhausted, shocked, recovering from immense pain, with limbs trembling in relief, there was naught Alan could do but sit and watch. A nurse hurried into the room and glanced in surprise at J, then the monitor. It was still proclaiming J's death. The nurse clucked and looked J over. Examining J, she found that the monitors attached to the young teacher's hand had fallen off. Therefore, the machine wasn't getting any reading from her.
"Oh, there's the problem!" The nurse re-fastened the monitors and went on her way. By then, Alan had regained his voice.
"You—I thought—you're—"
J smiled sheepishly and shrugged (as much as was possible with all the bandages). "I woke up a few minutes ago because someone I love was asking me too. I couldn't ignore that voice. But then you were on such a roll, I couldn't interrupt you." Alan leaned over and pulled J to him in a hug, as much as he could without hurting her.
"Don't you ever, EVER, scare me like that again!" he whispered into her ear. Seconds later, J felt stray tears of his, warm and moist, splash onto her cheeks. But it was all going to be alright.
***
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day
Alan sought comfort in J's conscious state for only a brief period of time. As reluctant as he was to cause her any more pain (she already had a handful of cracked ribs, a fractured arm, and a concussion), he mustered his courage and told her about her father. It took awhile for J to process the information, then she broke down.
Alan's shirt was soon soaked through, and all he could do was hold her. There were no words of comfort he could offer. By being there, silently suffering with her, however, was more soothing than anything he could have said.
***
'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
but when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
Mourning and healing wasn't easy. It never is. As soon as she was released from the hospital, J threw herself into the wedding plans, and later, work. With the support of her friends, family (she still had aunts, uncles, and cousins), and of course Alan, J began the healing process.
I want to stop and make a note now saying that I don't want to appear insensitive by not focusing too much on Gregory's death and all the emotions that come with it. But there's still a lot left to be told, and I don't know if I have the time or energy to do dwell on any one thing.
