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Chapter 16
The Impression That I Get (part 1)
Have you ever been close to tragedy
Or been close to folks who have
Have you ever felt a pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse
December 1982
Ahh, the sweet sounds of hurling in the morning. 'Twas to that sound that J was awakened one day. At first, she wasn't entirely sure what it was (not being a morning person, it took her a long time to process things). The first thing J noticed was that the bed was lighter, without a certain weight. Alan was missing. Next she distinctly heard suffering sounds emanating from the bathroom. She swung her legs over the bed and padded over to the source of the noise.
There was Alan, kneeling on the floor of the bathroom, head…(well, I think you can guess the scene from there. No use in describing it.) J knelt down next to him and rubbed his back in a series of circular motions. When Alan weakly lifted his head up, J felt his forehead with her hand, then her cheek. "You're burning up! That's it, you're going back to bed!" She helped Alan up and into bed. He sat there, a sad figure indeed. His skin was pasty, with dark rings under his bloodshot eyes. He watched, barely able to keep the spinning room in focus, as J bustled about. She was giving him instructions for the day.
"Stick to a diet of tea, toast, soup, and crackers. I'll leave them all out on the kitchen table for you. Plus drink lost of fluids, water and juice specifically. I want you to stay in bed or on the couch until it's time for your doctor's appointment, which I'll schedule for you when I get to work, then call you to let you know of the time. If I think that you don't sound well enough to get there yourself, I'm leaving work and taking you. And don't try and talk me out of that because I'm doing it whether or not you like it."
J sat down beside Alan on the bed, taking his hand in both of hers and caressing it gently. "You need anything else?" she asked, softly. Alan shook his head. J nodded, chewing on her lip. "I hate leaving you here. I want to stay with you."
Alan shook his head. "I'll be fine. No reason for both of us to miss work."
J sighed. "I know…I just would like to stay." She sighed again. "Well, I have to be going now." She kissed Alan lightly, then made her way out.
***
I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
Alan went to the doctor that afternoon and was diagnosed with a stomach virus. He was given a prescription and under J's orders stayed home for the following two days. The morning after returning to work, Alan woke up early only to find J in the same position he had been only four days before. The doctor had warned that Alan's stomach virus was highly contagious, and the predictions had proved to be true. J had come down with the illness. That morning ended up being an exact repeat of the one in which Alan had come down sick, only with the roles reversed.
***
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get
Alan opened the door to his house, walked in, and closed the door behind him. "I'm home, Jules!" Moments later, J came stumbling out of the bedroom to greet him. She was wearing grey sweatpants and a navy blue Bridgewater College sweatshirt; whether or not she had worn these to the doctor Alan didn't know. Her hair was tangled and mussed from the pillows, skin pale. Her hazel eyes had a sickly green tint to them. She looked miserable.
"How are you feeling?" Alan asked pointlessly. J managed a small, unenthusiastic smile in return. Alan winced. "That bad, huh? What did the doctor say? You gonna be on the same meds that he gave me?" J took one look at Alan, her lip quivering for an instant, before she started bawling. Stunned, shocked, and suddenly terrified, Alan pulled J into a hug and sat down on the couch with her. He rocked back and forth slowly, trying to calm her. "Hey, it's okay," he soothed in low tones. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it together. It's alright, I'm here…shhh…" But J still continued to sob uncontrollably. Alan didn't know what to do; he was scared to death that something was horribly wrong, and he couldn't get anything out of J. Laying her head on his shoulder, Alan stroked her hair and murmured softly into her ear. "It's gonna be alright, don't worry. I just need you to talk to me, tell me what's wrong, so we can decide what we're gonna do."
Still, the sobs shook J's body. She did manage, however, to get a few coherent words out. "I—I want to, but…I don't…know…how."
An instinctive knowledge of appeared in the depths of Alan's subconscious, but did not manifest itself in anything Alan was aware of besides a strange, butterfly feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Sweetie, you can do anything you want, I'm sure of that, but you need to tell me more than that if you want me to help you," Alan replied, kissing J's cheek.
There seemed no end to the tears. "My—she wasn't there—I never had—I love you and I want—but I can't! I don't know how!" J's voice was increased to a near wailing pitch now.
Most of Alan's fear had turned to confusion by this point, however seeing J this upset made Alan panicky. "Jules, please, tell me what's going on."
Her tears somewhat subsided to silent streams, J buried her head in Alan's shoulder. "I can't be a mother, I don't know how," she finally whispered.
Every part of Alan's body, all the way down to his toes, reeled in shock. "You're having a baby, is that what this is all about?" Alan struggled to keep his voice calm and supportive of J's worries while balancing with his elation about becoming a father. "WOW! I mean…wow, Jules, that's wonderful!" He heard J moan a little, like she was going to cry again. Alan shifted back so he could sit up straight. "Jules, look at me." Slowly, J lifted her wet, tear-streaked face and met Alan's eyes.
Alan gazed back at her with soft compassion and a message in his eyes that clearly stated that he firmly believed in the truth of what he was about to say. "Good. Now listen to me. I can't think of anyone else in the world who will make a better mother than you. And I'm not just saying that," he added, cutting J off before she could protest. "I wish…I wish I had a mother growing up as loving as you're going to be."
J sniffed and Alan passed her a tissue from the box on the coffee table. She blew her nose, then looked up at Alan with a watery but grateful smile. "Thank you."
Alan squeezed J's hand. "You're welcome."
J paused for a moment until realization lit her eyes. "We're going to have a baby. We're going to have a baby! I'm gonna be a mom!" All prior anxiety gone, she beamed up at Alan, who returned the radiant grin.
"Yeah, you are! And I'm gonna be a dad!" J nodded, bursting with joy. Excitement danced in both Alan and J's eyes as they snuggled closer on the couch (Hercules perched above them and Romeo at their feet), discussing their soon-to-grow family.
