Disclaimer: I don't own the ER characters.

Rating: PG

Summery: Carter thinks about his life. A follow up to "There is No Way Home"

One last time:

Carter didn't remember when he left the ER. He remembers Weaver coming in and telling him to go get some sleep. Mark had offer him a ride home but he refuse and said something along the lines of he rather walk. When Carter reach his house he headed straight to the liquor cabinet and took out hard liquor. He poured himself a glass then drank it. It felt weird to be drinking since he hadn't drank for over a year and now he was drinking again. He headed to his room with the bottle and sat on the bed.

"Oh God, what did I do to deserve this" Carter asked as he lay down. He could smell Susan all around him and it hurt to even think that she was gone from him. He got up and headed to his Grandfathers room and found his old hand gun. He picked it up and looked at it then pointed it to his temple.

"If I can't have her anymore then I don't want to live anymore" Carter said as he pulls the trigger.

Carter sat up quickly in bed. He felt his heart racing a mile a minute. Then he felt a hand on his shouldered.

"John are you ok" Susan said as she sat up. Her voice was like music to his ears. He turned around quickly and kissed Susan on the lips. Susan was shocked by this but didn't fight back instead she kissed him. After a while Carter broke the kiss and looked at Susan.

"Your alive" Carter said out of breath

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be" Susan said

"Damn, I had the most horrible dream of all time" Carter said as he laid next to Susan. Susan put her head on his chest.

"Tell me what it was about" Susan said. Carter thought a minute and then told her the whole dream. Susan just held on to him.

"I was scared to death Susan, I can't even mange to think of what I would do if I lost you" Carter said. Susan sat up and looked at him.

"John, I'm not going anywhere for the time being. I love you way too much to leave you" Susan said as she kissed him on the lips.

"I love you too" Carter said. Susan laid back down and feel asleep. Carter just stayed awake and held her. He feared that if he let her go then she would disappear. The next morning they called in sick to work. They spent the whole time with each other. Carter was just happy to see Susan alive, he wasn't sure of what the dream meant and he wasn't ready to find out. Instead he was going to live the rest of his life with Susan since she was the only thing in his life that was good.