"I Can't Let You Love Me" chapter 4
Severus Snape had returned form his encounter with the Death Eaters weak and shaken but remarkably philosophical. After all, it was something he had been expecting to happen. What happened later... the whole incident with Phoebe... was what left him undone.
"Fool!" he chided himself angrily, "Selfish Bastard!"
Why? Why had he pushed her to confess her feelings? Why had he kissed her? "Dammed Fool!"
"When the hell, exactly," he asked himself, "was I so stupid as to allow myself to fall in love with her?" After all these years he should have known better. And yet here he was.
A part of him insisted this was likely what he deserved. This was his final atonement: to have to deny himself love and wound the one he loved in the bargain. It certainly was hell, but there was nothing else to be done - no choice.
So he'd refused to see Phoebe again while in hospital; insisting a reluctant Madam Pomfrey turn her away from the door as many times as it took for her to stay away. He didn't ask how often that turned out to be.
Dumbledore had come in and attempted to "talk sense" into him. At least that's the impression Snape had. But Severus was resolute.
"You, Albus," he snapped, "should know better than anyone what the risk is. You know why I MUST do this!"
"I know why you think you must, Severus," Dumbledore replied calmly, "Alas, that is but one of the reasons."
"Albus, not that again," Severus shot back, "This is not because I 'won't allow myself to feel.' If I didn't care I wouldn't be doing this, would I?" He had shouted this last and the noise had brought a concerned Madam Pomfrey from her office. Snape took the opportunity her emergence into the ward provided to shift and look away from Dumbledore - to signal the end of his willingness to talk about it further. There was a heavy pause, then Severus heard the swish of Dumbledore's robes moving toward the door.
On the evening of his third day Madam Pomfrey released him. He headed gratefully for his dungeon office and quarters. Upon stepping into the corridor which housed them, however, he stopped short. His breath caught in his chest and he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. Phoebe's office door was ajar and light spilled from it into the corridor. Through the sound of his pulse beating in his ear, Severus caught the rustle of parchment and the sound of a small sigh.
At the sigh he had instinctively reached out but he quickly pulled his arm back. It was no good. His door lay beyond hers. He would have to pass by.
He moved as quickly and as quietly as he could. Just as he passed, however, he heard her say "Severus?" He did not answer. He merely slipped into his office and firmly shut his door. He stood just inside the door, however, fighting the urge to throw it back open ...to run next door and sweep her in his arms like some cheap cinematic Romeo. As he stood there he could just make out the sound of steps in the hall then the soft click of her own latch.
