THE GREAT BIG "WHAT IF?"
SUMMARY: Read the title! This happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what if Moya had chatrooms… I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell cares?? It's silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!
RATING: PG to PG-13 for, um… cyber-suggestiveness =)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, but the story is mine… unfortunately…
SETTINGS/SPOILERS: The setting is… um… well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn't it… All characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out… Um… spoils just about everything. It's just bizarre, really…
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve's fault for quoting randomly at me all night. Pilot's "So sorry…" line was hers. Anyway, I was meant to be writing my "Fractures" fic, and this appeared… It's even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made me do it!) because it's just funny. Oh, and I know you spell it "Erp", but I figure John being who he is, and me being too clever for my own good, he'd spell it "Earp" as a reference to Wyatt Earp… Whatever… I think most of the names should be obvious. If anyone's that desperate, I'll put a list up, but it shouldn't be necessary. Um… yes. Read on, and review if you're brave enough. Flames fully expected =)
The Great Big "What If?"
© T'eyla Minh 2002
*Room - Terrace - 2 guests*
*Moyapilot has entered the room*
Moyapilot: Greetings.
Earpboy: Hey Pilot.
PKChick: John, I don't understand the purpose of this…
PKChick: Hello Pilot.
Earpboy: It's meant to be fun, Aeryn, now just play along…
Moyapilot: How is everybody?
Earpboy: I'm good.
PKChick: How is this meant to be fun?
Earpboy: Aeryn, you gotta keep up!
PKChick: Oh, frell you, Crichton… I can't use this keyboard thing…
*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*
Bannick_the_Stark: Hello.
Earpboy: Yo, Stark. Aeryn, you'll get used to it…
PKChick: Hello, Stark.
Earpboy: What's with the name?
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan told me to do it.
*PKChick rolls eyes*
PKChick: I'm sure…
Moyapilot: We like your name, Stark.
Earpboy: We? I never said *I* liked it.
PKChick: I think he means him and Moya.
Moyapilot: Officer Sun is right.
Earpboy: You so smart!
*Earpboy huggles PKChick*
PKChick: You should be very glad we're not in the same room, Crichton.
Earpboy: Um… we are…
PKChick: You KNOW what I meant.
Bannick_the_Stark: Did I miss anything important?
Earpboy: Nah.
Moyapilot: Nothing of importance has occurred.
Bannick_the_Stark: Oh, good.
Bannick_the_Stark: I don't understand your name, Aeryn.
PKChick: Crichton chose it. Ask him.
Earpboy: It would take too long. Just live with it.
Moyapilot: I will DRD.
PKChick: DRD??
Earpboy: I think he means BRB.
PKChick: You and your frelling abbreviations…
*Moyapilot has left the room*
Earpboy: Oh, shaddup! It's not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway…
PKChick: Your deficient little brain couldn't cope with it…
*Earpboy sticks out tongue*
Earpboy: I thought we'd gone beyond that kind of petty insult.
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan would not approve of such bickering…
Earpboy: For God's sake, Stark, shut up! Zhaan's dead. Get over it!
Bannick_the_Stark: No.
Bannick_the_Stark: Not dead.
Bannick_the_Stark: I can hear her…
*PKChick slaps Bannick_the_Stark*
Bannick_the_Stark: Ow.
PKChick: Shut up.
*Moyapilot has entered the room*
Earpboy: Finally! Pilot, please bring some sanity to this place!
PKChick: Yes, please do. I'm the only sane one left in here…
Earpboy: Hey! Just cos you don't have a chip in *your* brain…
PKChick: That's your excuse for everything.
Earpboy: Pilot, you're quiet. Something wrong?
*Moyapilot shakes head*
Moyapilot: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.
PKChick: ?
Earpboy: Uh… 'kay…
Earpboy: Pilot, what in the name of Kirk *was* that??
Moyapilot: So sorry…
Moyapilot: I appear to have hit the wrong keys…
*Earpboy laughs*
Earpboy: And I thought Aeryn was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can't type…
*PKChick beats the dren out of Earpboy*
Earpboy: Hey! I didn't mean it!
PKChick: Just you wait, Crichton. You're going to pay for that.
Earpboy: Ooh?
Earpboy: Promise or a threat, honey?
PKChick: Both.
Earpboy: Cool.
PKChick: You know I can kick your eema from one end of the UT to the other…
Earpboy: Yeah… I love you too…
*PKChick smacks Earpboy upside the head*
Earpboy: Aeryn, if you keep this up, we'll have to go somewhere else…
PKChick: I'm warning you, John!
*Moyapilot separates PKChick and Earpboy*
Moyapilot: This is most interesting… It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves in here.
Moyapilot: I like it. And Moya finds it most amusing.
*CapnB has entered the room*
Earpboy: Evenin' Crais.
CapnB: Is she in here?
PKChick: Is who in here?
CapnB: Jool.
Bannick_the_Stark: We haven't seen her.
Earpboy: Damn, Stark, are you *still* here?? Can't you go and bother Chiana or something?
Bannick_the_Stark: I think I will…
*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*
Earpboy: Finally…
CapnB: But is she in here?
Earpboy: No, Stark was right. She ain't here.
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*
Earpboy: Well, she wasn't…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar, are you in here?
CapnB: No.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Good.
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl huggles CapnB*
CapnB: Will you desist?!
Earpboy: What's the matter, Crais, don't you wuv your lil Joolee any more?
CapnB: Shut up, Crichton.
Earpboy: Why's everyone so against me today?
PKChick: Because you're an idiot…
*Eve has entered the room*
*Eve huggles Earpboy*
*Eve has left the room*
Earpboy: What the frell was that?
PKChick: Yes, what was that?
Earpboy: Oooh! Aeryn's jealous.
CapnB: Oh, are you two *still* doing this? Every frelling time I come in here…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That could be us.
CapnB: Go away!
*CapnB has left the room*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oh… :*(
Moyapilot: Don't cry, Joolushka. I still like you.
Earpboy: You like everyone.
Moyapilot: No I don't.
Moyapilot: I don't like Peacekeepers.
Moyapilot: Except for Aeryn.
Moyapilot: But she's not really a Peacekeeper…
Earpboy: We get the picture!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: You like me?
Moyapilot: Yes.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That's sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?
Moyapilot: My DRDs are detecting he is in the Apothecary room.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Thanks, Pilot!
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*
*Minh has entered the room*
Minh: anyone seen a girl named eve around here?
PKChick: Who are you?
Minh: random fan-girl…
Earpboy: Eve… she came in and hugged me then ran off again. Weird.
Minh: ah… thanks. sorry about that, she thinks you're beautiful.
Earpboy: Me?
Minh: yeah… weird… anyway, did you see where she went?
PKChick: No.
Minh: okay… oh, and you guys had better frellin' hurry up… the shippers are going crazy, you know…
Earpboy: I've been saying the same damn thing for months… um… monens…
Minh: i'm meant to be writing a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would ya?
*Minh has left the room*
Earpboy: Pilot, we have GOT to get better security around here…
Moyapilot: Yes. Moya agrees.
PKChick: What are we supposed to be hurrying up with?
Earpboy: I could show you if you'd let me near you…
PKChick: I'm sure. No.
Earpboy: Aw, come *on*! What does it frelling *take* with you?
PKChick: Stick around long enough and you'll find out.
Earpboy: …
Earpboy: I wasn't expecting that.
Moyapilot: Nor was I.
*CapnB has entered the room*
Earpboy: WB, Crais. Didja lose her?
*CapnB wheezes*
CapnB: I believe so. For now.
PKChick: Perhaps if you change your name...
CapnB: That's a good idea.
CapnB: Excuse me a microt.
*CapnB has left the room*
*XhalaxSun has entered the room*
PKChick: That's not funny, Crais.
XhalaxSun: Frell…
*XhalaxSun has left the room*
Earpboy: I guess originality isn't high on his list of priorities.
*Talynpilot has entered the room*
Talynpilot: Sorry, Pilot. Best I could do.
Moyapilot: I do not mind, Captain.
*NerriSis has entered the room*
NerriSis: Hey.
Earpboy: Hey, Chi, how's it hangin'?
NerriSis: Um…
*NerriSis looks down*
NerriSis: Mind your own frellin' business!
Earpboy: I didn't mean… Never mind…
PKChick: I thought you were with D'Argo.
NerriSis: I was… he disappeared. I think Stark was annoying him.
PKChick: So you decided to come and annoy us? How considerate.
Talynpilot: If you see Jool, I'm not here.
NerriSis: Is that Crais?
*Earpboy nods*
NerriSis: Gee. Never woulda guessed…
Moyapilot: Hello, Chiana. Sorry. I was multi-tasking.
NerriSis: Hi, Pilot.
Talynpilot: Remember, I'm not here.
Earpboy: Okay, we got it, you're not here!
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Did I miss him again?
PKChick: Yes…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Why does he hate me?? Why?
NerriSis: How many reasons do you want?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Shut up, Chiana!
NerriSis: No, you shut up!
Earpboy: Hey, ladies?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No, you!
NerriSis: You!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bitch!
NerriSis: Tralk!
Earpboy: GIRLS!
*Moyapilot separates Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*
*Moyapilot is still separating PKChick and Earpboy*
Moyapilot: I never knew four arms could be so useful.
Earpboy: You're an upholding member of society, Pilot…
*PKChick groans*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Just out of interest, who's flying the ship?
Moyapilot: I will have to put two of you down.
Moyapilot: Aeryn, John, if you stop fighting, it will be you.
Earpboy: Deal.
PKChick: Yes.
*Moyapilot releases Earpboy and PKChick*
Moyapilot: No more fighting.
PKChick: Thank you, Pilot.
Earpboy: Ditto.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Pilot, you're hurting me.
NerriSis: Me too.
Moyapilot: I apologise. Do you promise not to fight?
*NerriSis nods*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl nods*
*Moyapilot releases Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*
NerriSis: Thanks.
*NerriSis pulls Screaming_Boolite_Girl's hair*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Hey!
NerriSis: If you wanna fight, you're gonna have to catch me first!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Fine!
*NerriSis has left the room*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: FRELL!
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*
*Talynpilot comes out from under the table*
Talynpilot: Is it safe?
PKChick: All clear, Crais.
Earpboy: Hehehe. The big bad PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?
Talynpilot: She's insatiable!
Earpboy: She seems to really like you. I can't think why.
Talynpilot: For your information, Crichton, she liked you until she met me…
Earpboy: For your information, Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me…
PKChick: For your information, I don't like either of you.
Moyapilot: Do you like me?
PKChick: Of course, Pilot.
Talynpilot: Why don't you like me?
PKChick: Would you settle for "Irreversibly contaminated"?? Or would you prefer another reason?
Talynpilot: Fair enough.
Earpboy: Well, fine, but what did I do?
PKChick: Same answer.
Earpboy: Yeah. But I didn't do it on purpose!
PKChick: Actually, I've never liked you, Crichton.
Earpboy: Genetically compatible, babe…
PKChick: You're never going to let me forget that, are you?
Earpboy: Nope.
*DominarXVI has entered the room*
Earpboy: Besides, it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way around.
PKChick: You kissed me back!
Earpboy: What, you'd rather I ran away?
PKChick: Well, no… but… stop turning everything I say around!
Earpboy: I'm not!
DominarXVI: Have you no respect?
Earpboy: Hey, Stinky.
DominarXVI: Apparently not.
DominarXVI: If I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They'd be subservient, and obey my every command!
Earpboy: Um, sure, whatever, Ryge…
Earpboy: Aeryn, I'm not turning everything you say around! I'm just saying, it was *your* fault!
PKChick: It's never my fault, Crichton…
Earpboy: I know you only blame me to make yourself feel big…
Talynpilot: Is this going to go on much longer?
PKChick: No, I only blame you because it's always your fault.
Earpboy: Ouch…
DominarXVI: Will you two just frell and get it over with! You're driving us all fahrbot!
Earpboy: That's the best advice you've given all day, Sparky!
DominarXVI: I think I'm going to vomit.
*DominarXVI has left the room*
*HeavyD has entered the room*
Earpboy: Hey, D'Argo.
Moyapilot: Hello, Ka D'Argo.
Talynpilot: Likewise.
HeavyD: Finally!
PKChick: What?
HeavyD: The frelling thing wouldn't let me in! I think Chiana did something.
PKChick: Ah…
PKChick: That would explain why she wasn't with you earlier…
Earpboy: I'd give the girl some credit. She caught on the fastest out of all of you. Imagine… Chi's already a prime hacker, Crais is changin' names like there's no tomorrow, and Pilot's doing actions.
Earpboy: Aeryn, I thought you were meant to be the smart one!
*PKChick smacks Earpboy*
Earpboy: Exactly how many bruises are you trying to make?
PKChick: 46.
Earpboy: WHY?
PKChick: Dunno. Seems like a good number.
Earpboy: Fine… how many are you up to?
PKChick: 10.
Earpboy: 10?
PKChick: 10.
HeavyD: Can I add some?
Earpboy: No you frelling can't!
HeavyD: Why not?
PKChick: You'll damage him.
Earpboy: Um… and you *can* damage me… why?
PKChick: I'm your grunt, remember?
Earpboy: What IS that, anyway?
PKChick: Doesn't matter.
PKChick: Anyway, D'Argo can't damage you, because if he does, there'll be nothing left for *me* to damage…
*HeavyD laughs*
Moyapilot: I could hold him steady for you, if you wish.
PKChick: Thank you, Pilot. It won't be necessary…
Talynpilot: I'd add some bruises myself, but I'd rather just watch…
Earpboy: Thanks. All gang up on the Human…
Earpboy: Ew, Crais!
Talynpilot: What?
Earpboy: Oh… sorry. I thought you meant something else…
*PKChick slaps Earpboy*
Earpboy: That makes 11...
PKChick: You're disgusting.
*NerriSis has entered the room*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*
HeavyD: Chiana!!
NerriSis: Uh-oh…
HeavyD: What the frell did you do?? It took me seventeen attempts to get in here!
NerriSis: I didn't do anything!
Earpboy: Does anybody else *not* believe her?
PKChick: Me.
Talynpilot: And me.
Moyapilot: I know for a fact it was Chiana. I just do not know how.
NerriSis: Pilot!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oooh! Busted.
NerriSis: Shut your FRELLING mouth!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No.
Talynpilot: Here we go again…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar???
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl giggles happily and tackle hugs Talynpilot*
Talynpilot: Oh, no…
Talynpilot: Uh, I mean… Bialar who?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I know it's you.
Talynpilot: It's not me… um… him. I don't know who you are.
PKChick: You're such a terrible liar, Crais… even when we can't hear you.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I *knew* it was you!
Talynpilot: Thank you, Aeryn. Thank you so very much…
Earpboy: Ooh, I love it when you stab your ex-Captain in the back…
PKChick: You know, those other 35 bruises could turn into a stab wound of your own…
Earpboy: Point taken.
*Earpboy surrenders*
Earpboy: I'm all yours.
NerriSis: You're frelled… :D
Earpboy: Chance would be a fine thing…
*DominarXVI has entered the room*
DominarXVI: Oh, please, are you STILL at it?
HeavyD: Rygel, there's stuff missing from my quarters. I want it back by tomorrow or that throne sled will be riding *you*.
DominarXVI: Frell you, Luxan. Why don't you try Chiana's quarters?
Moyapilot: It wasn't Chiana.
NerriSis: Thanks, Pilot! You know I love you, really…
*Minh has entered the room*
PKChick: You again?? How are you getting in?
Minh: beats me…
Minh: anyhoo, i was wondering if you guys could, um, get out of my brain for a microt?
Earpboy: I wasn't aware we were in there…
Minh: oh, yeah, you are. trust me. it's just, it's like one in the frelling morning, and i want to go to bed, and i have to finish this damn thing first. so, could you all vamoose? skidaddle? scarper?
PKChick: John, I get the impression you're the only one this makes any sense to…
Minh: get the frell outta here!
Earpboy: Okay, geez! Just give us a few minutes…
Minh: you've had arns… oh, fine… you've got 120 microts, then it ends whether you're out or not.
*Minh has left the room*
HeavyD: Who was that?
Earpboy: Looooong story.
HeavyD: Well, I have to go anyway. Rygel, you'd better pray you get to your quarters before me…
Earpboy: Bye, dude.
*HeavyD has left the room*
*DominarXVI has left the room*
Talynpilot: I should go, too…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: If you're going, I'm going.
Talynpilot: Crichton, I hold you personally responsible for this…
*Talynpilot has left the room*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*
Moyapilot: I have multi-tasking to attend to. Goodbye, Aeryn, Commander.
PKChick: Goodbye, Pilot.
Earpboy: See ya.
*Moyapilot has left the room*
NerriSis: I don't suppose either of you guys want me around… And anyway, if I'm last to leave, the entire thing will crash.
Earpboy: Woo! Go, Chi!
NerriSis: I thought you'd like that. Have fun, you two!
*NerriSis has left the room*
Earpboy: I guess that just leaves us…
PKChick: Yes… we've overstayed our 120 microts.
Earpboy: As it's us, I think she'll let us off.
PKChick: I suppose.
PKChick: John?
Earpboy: Yeah?
PKChick: Where exactly are you?
Earpboy: I was going to ask you the same thing. Seems kinda pointless now, doesn't it?
PKChick: Yes. I'm in Command.
Earpboy: I'm… on the actual Terrace.
PKChick: Stay there.
Earpboy: Why?
PKChick: I have a surprise for you.
Earpboy: Is it more bruises?
PKChick: Maybe… maybe not…
Earpboy: Interesting…
Earpboy: Okay, I'll stay put.
PKChick: And I'll be right there.
*PKChick has left the room*
Earpboy: Whaddaya know… online romances *do* work after all…
*Earpboy has left the room*
*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*
Bannick_the_Stark: Hello?
Bannick_the_Stark: Oh…
Blue: Hello, Stark.
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan?!
Blue: Yes, Stark. I have been here the whole time.
Bannick_the_Stark: I knew it! I knew it I knew it! They didn't believe me!
Blue: Stark?
Bannick_the_Stark: Yes?
Blue: You're doing it again…
Bannick_the_Stark: It's another hallucination?
Blue: I'm afraid so.
Bannick_the_Stark: Oh…
*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*
*Room - Terrace - no guests*
Thank God that's all over. You have no idea how long it wanted to be… If you're all still alive and coherent, please review. Thank you. If you review, I promise not to do this again…
