"I Can't Let You Love Me" chapter 10: Oh For the Wisdom of Solomon



"I'm pregnant"

Phoebe's words seemed to hang in the air for a long while. At first Severus could only focus on those two words, but mere seconds later his mind was assaulted with what they meant. She hadn't told them everything that had happened that night. She hadn't told them everything had been done to her by - Merlin's Ghost - Malfoy and Voldemort that night. Now he knew why. His mind reeled with horror and shock ... and anger.

He could feel Phoebe's eyes on him now. He should say something, do something, but he was frozen, impotent. Dumbledore, however, had risen and walked over to Phoebe. He put his arms on her shoulders and guided her to the couch, sitting beside her.

"I am so sorry, Phoebe," He said taking her hands, "I had hoped they hadn't..." he trailed off. "How can we help?" he asked, finally. Phoebe looked at Snape, who still found his vocal chords paralyzed. She looked down and away. When she spoke her voice was more dead than ever.

"I don't know. I don't know what to do..."

"You want to terminate, I suppose," Dumbledore said carefully.

Tears began to fall from Phoebe's still downcast eyes.

"Gods, yes. I want it gone, I want it all gone. Over. But..."

"You're not sure you can?"

"No" Phoebe whispered, "But if I don't..."

There was silence as each person in the room finished the sentence for themselves and let the implications sink in. Finally, Dumbledore gently broke the silence,

"May I ask who?"

"Either ...Malfoy or ...or" Phoebe trailed off miserably.

"Voldemort." Snape said, speaking for the first time since Phoebe had told them she was pregnant.

"He's hardly human, how could a child be less than a monster?" Phoebe whispered. "Even if it's normal how could I ever look at it, ever... care for it, knowing who, remembering how...?"

"Phoebe," Dumbledore said, his voice still gentle, "Deciding to bear the child and deciding to raise the child are separate decisions. The second doesn't have to be made right now."

"No, but the first one needs to be made soon." Phoebe said flatly.

Severus was having trouble using his voice, it sounded strange to him when he finally spoke again, "Whatever you decide, whatever, we'll do anything, everything we can..."

Phoebe put her head in her hands at this point and the only sound in room for the next few moments was her ragged breathing. Finally she spoke.

"If the child is... his... it could be our salvation. How could I kill that? And if it's his the child could also be our doom. Then how could I not?"

"Oh, to be Solomon," Dumbledore said sadly, "I don't have his wisdom, but I am wise enough to know that a decision should not be made tonight."

"I know," Phoebe said, with a touch of bitterness, "but I don't think I stand this uncertainty much longer."

"You are not alone, child," Dumbledore said gently. But instead of looking at Albus, Phoebe turned her eyes to Severus.

"No," Severus agreed, "You're not."

"I think it time for me to take my leave," Dumbledore said softly, "But I am available, Phoebe." With that Dumbledore raised his wand and disappeared from sight. "Good night." his voice said from the seemingly empty space where he had been. His robes could be heard rustling toward the door which opened and then shut again. Severus and Phoebe were alone.

"I suppose he felt like he needed a walk," Phoebe said awkwardly.

"Phoebe..." Severus started, then faltered. Phoebe winced slightly, and her eyes reminded Severus of those of a wounded animal: afraid, hunted. Suddenly she turned away.

"It's fine Severus if you want to go," she said in a hard voice, "I certainly understand how this must change things for you."

"Not in the way you think," he said.

"If only I could believe that," she whispered, "but even I can't get past how vile I-"

Severus rose swiftly and grasped her arms to turn her around, with a desperate expression on his face. Weeks earlier Phoebe might have given anything to have him holding her so intently, so desperately. Now she just felt trapped. She began to pull away but his grip did not lessen.

"No, please! Let go!" she cried out, eyes wild with fear. Severus let go as if he had been electrocuted.

"I didn't think, I'm so sorry!" he said, reaching out his hand then drawing it back.

Phoebe had crossed her arms and hunched into herself. "Just go." she said quietly.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'm not sure I can leave you alone."

She let out a bark of harsh laughter. "You can't leave me alone, now? Severus it's too damn late."

Stung by her words, Severus moved slowly to the door. He put his hand on the door knob and paused. Without turning he said, "I didn't know. Don't you think if I knew I would have..." He found himself unable to finish, opening the door and leaving instead.

"That's not what I meant," Phoebe said softly to the closed door, but she did not go after him. She simply stood there, trapped by misery and self loathing.