"I Can't Let You Love Me" Chapter 11: Invisible Safety Nets?
Severus woke at three in the morning with the terrible sense that something was wrong. With instinct born from too many years, his right hand flew to his left forearm where the dark mark lay. No, it wasn't burning... not even a twinge. What, then? It all came back to him in a rush that was like being plunged into icy water. Pregnant. Phoebe was pregnant. She had been... Those foul monsters had...
And it was all his fault. He had tried to keep her safe, to shield her but pushing her away. Instead he had pushed her straight into the arms of the Death Eaters and Voldemort on some reckless, ill-conceived mission to speed his downfall. It had been something too foolish and too frightening for her to contemplate until he'd broken her heart. Then, what had she said? She had nothing left to lose.
She'd discovered she had more to lose than she thought and now even she blamed him. "It's too damn late for that Severus!" Her words had lashed into him like a whip. If he had been at a loss to deal with the situation before... Now what? He wanted to fold her into his arms and find a way to shelter her, to make it better. But, even if that were possible or wise, things just didn't work that way. He knew that. Besides, her feelings for him had probably been burned away when the Dark Mark had been charred on her arm. They were fellow spies now, nothing more.
He would have to find a way to deal with the terrible rage and guilt and despair and... all the terrible feelings that were churning around inside him. He'd have to do this alone, and quickly. Her life probably depended on clear thinking and smart decisions right now. Unfortunately smart decisions would be very hard to come by in this situation. Severus thought even Solomon might find this an impossible challenge.
He put his head in his hands. Ceridwen's Cauldron, his head hurt! He pushed himself out of bed and padded into his bathroom to the cabinet where he stored several potions and remedies. He needed a headache potion. As he scanned the shelf he saw the bottle of dreamless sleep potion he'd been giving Phoebe. She hadn't asked for it tonight. It had taken him hours to drop off ... had she even been able to fall asleep? Perhaps if he knocked softly on her door so as not to awaken her if she had fallen asleep?
No. If she'd wanted the potion she would have come to get it as usual. No use thinking up excuses to see her when she clearly didn't want to see him. Severus sighed and tipped back a bottle of headache potion without bothering to pour the solution into a glass. He grimaced at the bitter taste of the potion, which was usually diluted in water, and looked up at himself in the mirror. Pale as a ghost, dark as a bat, and sour as an old ghoul. He really had been a fool to push her away. Who else would care about him?
It was no good. He wouldn't be falling back to sleep tonight. He reached for his toothbrush and began to get ready to face what promised to be an incredibly long day.
He emerged at the top of the astronomy tower about forty five minutes later and regarded the early morning sky. Although it was still dark, it had gone from inky black to blue-black. Severus closed his eyes and tipped his head back and let the cool night air play over his face wishing it could cool his spirit the way it cooled his skin. After a few moments he opened his eyes again and moved toward the edge of the tower. He put his hands on the cold stone and leaned out over the battlements, looking at the sharp stone on the ground far below. There were many reasons this tower was out of bounds to students apart from lessons. One of them was the certain death that would follow anyone slipping over the edge.
He had known that as a student. Perhaps that is why he had spent many melancholy hours up here in the dead of night back then. He liked the dark, the isolation, and having death close at hand. Without giving it too much thought, Severus stepped up onto the stone wall where a battlement formed a niche between the higher stones to either side. The ground seemed even farther down and the fall steeper when he stood there with his hands resting lightly on the taller stones to either side. He moved closer to the edge so that the toes of his boots were only just on the stone instead of the empty space beyond. He folded his arms and closed his eyes, standing quite still.
When he had done this as a boy he had not been still at all. He had been trembling ...trembling with fear, with anger, with grief, and with memories. Memories haunted him tonight, as well, but he had learned long ago to control them, keep them at bay, to stand still. He opened his eyes and tipped his head back again to look at the stars still winking clearly in the slowly lightening sky. He sighed. Put one hand on the stones again, and turned around.
He was very glad he had laid a hand on the stones to steady himself, for he nearly started out of his skin when he turned. There was a figure standing in the darkness, watching him. He hid his surprise and stepped calmly down off the wall.
"Returning to your old haunts, I see," came a venerable and knowing voice. Albus.
"Old haunts?" Severus said, playing dumb.
"Well, Severus, you are the reason we installed the invisible safety net all those years ago."
"Pardon?"
"I didn't think you would hurl yourself off the tower, myself. Professor Celestine, however, wasn't convinced."
"So you knew?"
"Yes."
"And you did nothing?" Severus asked not sure if he was more incredulous at the lack of punishment or the lack of intervention.
"On the contrary, Professor McGonagall and I kept watch over you, invisibly, the nights you came here. You may recall that we constantly - what was the phrase you used then? Ah, yes, we constantly 'pestered' you about how you were feeling, if you wanted to talk..."
"Didn't get anywhere, did you?"
"Not then. I'm hoping I have better luck now."
"I'm not sure what there is to say."
"There is much, and you have left most of it unsaid since three weeks ago when Phoebe returned from Voldemort. Even before then."
Severus raked his fingers through his hair, pulling rather a bit too hard, but somehow glad for the tiny bits of sharp pain. "Albus, I appear to have made a grand mess of things, and yet I'm not sure what I should have done differently."
"You have no ideas on what you might change were it in your power?"
"I wouldn't have let my guard down. I wouldn't have indulged my feelings. I certainly wouldn't have let them show. If only I hadn't let her know that I cared!"
Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Severus, I don't think 'indulging' your feelings is a mistake," he said, gently, "In fact, your denying them is what I would change if I could."
Severus realized his fists were clenched and his body tense as he tried not to believe what Dumbledore was saying ...as he tried not to ask him what he wanted to know. Suddenly, he found himself sinking to the cold stones and putting his face in his hands as something in him seemed to snap in two. He pressed his hands to his face trying to hold in the storm of misery and pain that was fighting to escape him. Dumbledore had crouched down in front of him and Severus felt the older man put his arms around him and pull him forward until he was leaning against Albus' shoulder.
Much to his surprise and secret shame Severus felt not a howl but a gasping torrent of uncontrolled bitter tears begin to flow from him as Albus rocked him and patted his back like ... a child. A long buried part of Severus recognized this new and strange thing as what a parent might do to comfort a weeping child It was strange and Severus The Man who had spent the decades of his life not needing anyone or anything thought he should pull away, but he could not muster the resolve to do so.
When he was finally able to take more than one shuddering breath between sobs he looked up and noticed that the sky had changed to navy blue and that Albus had somehow moved them so that their backs leaned against the tower walls. Albus kept one arm around the younger man's shoulders as Severus sat up and leaned heavily against the wall, drained, yet still miserable.
"I'm sorry Albus," He said in a slightly hoarse voice.
"Why?"
"I shouldn't have. I couldn't help it but, still. So unprofessional-"
"Severus, you are my friend and I care about you. I am most certainly NOT sorry. I'm glad I'm here." Albus squeezed Severus' shoulder and Severus felt his composure wobble.
He let his head fall back against the stone with a muffled thud, "Albus I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. It's hell."
"What DO you feel?"
"Ptolemy's Ghost, Albus," he breathed, looking fixedly at the sky, "I love her. I actuallylove her and I don't know how it happened."
"It just does."
"And now... Now I don't know how to help her and it's killing me, and I think I may have driven her away, and I feel that this is all my fault, and I want to kill them with my bare hands... very slowly and very, very painfully."
"I understand completely."
"You?"
"Yes. My failure to act on such feelings toward Voldemort and his followers does not mean I don't have them."
"Albus,"
"Yes?"
"I'm scared. I'm scared of what this will do to her, what they will do to her, I... I..." Severus trailed off as tears began to slide down his face again.
"Severus, I wish I could tell you there is no reason to be afraid, but I cannot. I will tell you that you are not alone in this and neither is Phoebe."
"I'm grateful to you Albus, I am."
"Of course, I am here for you both. But I wasn't speaking of myself. You do have each other and it's time you both acknowledged that."
"Albus, I'm not sure. You know I would have gladly stepped off the edge of this wall tonight... after removing that net I just found out about... for her. But I'm afraid that she... Albus it's my fault. How can she not hate me?"
"I disagree about the fault lying entirely with you and I suspect Phoebe does, too. In any case, that question is one best put to Phoebe."
Severus suddenly had a flash of the humor that surprises us in dark moments. "I guess we could both blame you," He said.
"Ah, indeed, I did have the complete lack of foresight to hire her, didn't I?" Albus said with a small smile in his voice. "Very well, I accept the blame. This situation is entirely my fault. Now go and talk to her or I'll remove that net and not tell you."
A new question suddenly occurred to Severus. "How did you know I was up here tonight?"
"I preformed a modest little charm many years ago when I learned you were haunting the highest tower to alert me on the nights you came up here. I was rather surprised tonight, to discover that it still works." Albus said as he rose to his feet and held out a hand to Severus.
When Severus rose, Albus surprised him with a quick hug, "I'm here for you children, now go be there for her." he said before sweeping quietly away.
