"I Can't Let You Love Me" chapter 12: Plenty of Blame to Go Around
"Go and be there for her." Albus had told him, but it was easier said than done. In fact, Severus mused, it might be the penultimate example of "easier said than done." How could he face her? How could he risk her hatred, her rejection ... her blame. Ah, there was the rub, he didn't actually need her blame him; he already blamed himself.
Severus paused at the top of the steps leading to the dungeons. It would be sunrise soon. The only sunrises he had seen in the last two decades had been the ones that snuck up on the Death Eaters. Sunrise isn't welcome when you've just participated or witnessed the vile crimes Death Eaters participate in. No, sunrise is an unwelcome light shining on your dark deeds, not something to be savoured or enjoyed
Turning, Severus headed for the large front doors of the castle. Soon he was settled on the front steps to watching for the sun to come up over the Forbidden Forest. As he watched the sky went from navy, to deep, to royal blue. It began to turn a smoky light blue colour just as golds and pinks and purples began to shoot from the horizon. Just as the sky was becoming suffused with the rich hues, Severus heard one of the doors behind him open and the sound of a gasp.
He was on his feet and turned around in a split second. Standing before him was, of all people, Harry Potter. "Dammit," thought Severus, "I don't have the energy to deal with the boy right now." Still, energy or no, Snape always did what was required.
"Potter!" he snapped at the wide eyed boy, "What are you doing wandering about at this hour?"
The boy gave a small shake of his head, obviously stunned to find the professor here. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "I couldn't sleep anymore so I thought I'd take a walk before breakfast."
"Couldn't sleep?" Snape asked scornfully (even as he realized being ill to Potter came a bit too naturally)
"Yes, Professor. Quidditch Match today," colour rose a bit in Potter face and he looked down before admitting, "I'm a bit nervous."
"Potter, as you're playing Hufflepuff, I find that hard to believe."
Potter looked at him for a moment, bit his lip, and admitted, "I'm always a bit nervous, sir."
Why had Potter admitted that to him? It was unlike him. Had he just been caught off guard? Snape sighed loudly and rubbed his forehead.
"Alright, then," he said wearily, "Lets just take five points off Gryffindor because I'm an unfair git and if anyone asks you I gave you a humiliating tongue lashing."
Potter's mouth had popped open.
"Close your mouth, Harry, you'll catch flies," Snape said in the same weary voice, "I would appreciate it if you could complain loudly about my unfair treatment within earshot of Malfoy, Crabbe, or Goyle. In fact, do so or I will offer to officiate at the next Quidditch match." With that Snape swept past Harry into the castle, shutting the door firmly behind him.
Well, the boy already knew they were on the same side. If he hadn't figured it out already it was about time he knew what was really going on. Severus just hoped Harry's reactions remained convincing. It was important that outside observers think he and the boy despised one another. Well, he'd just have to give Harry plenty of motivation to work from.
Snape walked up to the second floor landing and leaned against the window sill of the trio of gothic windows which overlooked the lake and forest. The sunrise was still pretty impressive, but he had lost his enthusiasm for it. He stood there anyway -procrastinating - until there was only a hint of golden pink left in the morning sky.
At last he decided he ought to head back down to the dungeons lest Ron Weasley or Hermione Granger pop up. Merlin only knew how early that girl got up to study and he really was too tired to face yet another member of the threesome.
The torches in the dungeon had been magically extinguished but the corridor was still a bit dark. It was easy, therefore, to see light coming from beneath Phoebe's door. He stopped and raised his hand to knock, then lowered it. He moved quietly into his own quarters, instead. He busied himself with making tea and found himself putting a second cup and saucer on the tea tray. It seemed his hands were a few paces ahead of his mind this morning.
Steeling his resolve, Severus picked up the tray and headed back out his door to knock on Phoebe's. There was no sound for several moments and Severus wondered if Phoebe had finally gone to sleep, when the door opened. It didn't look as if she had slept. She looked pale and incredibly weary. She stood there for a moment, then motioned him in. Severus put the tea tray down of the table in front of the couch upon whose edge Phoebe had perched nervously.
"I brought a peace offering of sorts," he explained awkwardly as he sat on one of the chairs and began to pour. Phoebe accepted her cup with a nod of thanks, keeping her silence. If only he knew what to say or how to begin... the silence was so oppressive it seemed to be sucking all the oxygen out of the air.
Finally, he found himself blurting out the last thing he actually wanted to say, "You hate me now, don't you?"
"No," she said flatly, "I don't hate you, Severus. Life would be a lot simpler if I did, but I don't."
"But you do blame me," Severus said with courage he didn't think he possessed.
"No."
"But last night you said-"
"I know what I said, and I know what I meant. You, apparently, don't," she snapped.
"What?"
"I meant it was too late because I'd already made my stupid decisions and gotten myself into this stupid mess. You had very little to do with it, in fact."
"I'm not entirely sure that's true."
"Yes you are."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
She set her teacup down with a sharp clank. "Oh, come on, Severus, admit it!"
"Admit what? What are you talking about?"
She looked at him, eyes blazing, "You don't blame yourself, you blame me."
"Of course not, I-"
"Don't lie to me, Severus."
"I'm not. I would never-"
"Alright, then, don't lie to yourself. Severus you are an intelligent man, how could you not blame me for creating this mess? You warned me, I did it anyway. You were F-ing Bloody right, Severus!" She was on her feet, yelling now, "I didn't have a clue what I was in for! I didn't care! If you don't blame me you're a fool and an idiot!"
Severus had risen to his feet as well and now he stood, stunned. He was stunned, not so much by her words, but by her accuracy. She was right, off the mark a bit, but right. He didn't blame her but he was angry, terribly, terribly angry with her.
"Dammit, you bastard, admit it." she snarled.
"I don't blame you," he said very clearly and carefully. He held up his hand to stop her from interrupting. "No, it's my turn, Phoebe. I don't blame you for the actions of men I know are evil. But, Ptolemy's Ghost, I AM angry with you! I probably shouldn't be, but I am so very angry." Severus looked away at this, ashamed.
She sank back down on the couch and put her head in her hands. Her voice was muffled when she spoke, "Well, at least we've got that in common." Severus moved to the couch and sat carefully next to her. He didn't know what to say or what to do.
"Severus," she said her voice still muffled by her hands, "I'm sorry."
"Phoebe, look at me," Severus said. Phoebe's head remained in her hands. Carefully he reached over and gently put his hands around her wrists pulling them lightly until she let him move her hands away from her face. She looked at him but her eyes seemed lost in a whirl of self-loathing and hopelessness.
"Don't apologize, it makes me feel like a total bastard," he said. "Besides, I contributed to our little problem myself." Phoebe dropped her hands to her lap, looking skeptical.
"Please, forgive me. Let me forgive you. I don't care!" Severus finally said, feeling totally vulnerable and completely petrified.
"I'll work on it," Phoebe finally said.
"I need a stronger promise from you," Severus said, surprising himself, "Promise you'll find a way. I'm afraid if you don't we're both lost."
Phoebe looked at him, confusion playing across her features, "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"You know Voldemort's plan is to play us off one another, don't you?"
"Yes, of course, that's what I used to get them to let me in."
"If we cannot mend this we won't just be weakened from the emotional blow, Phoebe. The mistrust and hurt that stands between us could cost either of us our lives. I don't care too much, personally, but..."
"Is that the only reason you came? To fix this so we won't endanger one another's lives?" Phoebe said softly.
"No."
"Why then?"
"Because..." Severus trailed off. He wanted to say "because I need to be here for you" or "because I love you" but the words were strange to his tongue and didn't seem to want to be said. He felt his hand trembling and let it rise toward Phoebe's face... again his hands obeyed the subconscious mind which was far ahead of the conscious. She watched the hand move toward her and closed her eyes and he gently touched her cheek. When she didn't pull away, he put his other hand to her face and turned her head.
"Because," he said, again, and he found his lips on hers. She shook just a bit but did not pull away. She returned his tender kiss with a fierceness that surprised him and left a strange sensation in his stomach.
When they parted she looked at him with anxiety in her eyes and Severus thought he knew what she was worried about. Would he get up and leave as he had every other time? It was tempting, to be sure. This whole conversation scared him out of his wits. But he didn't want to go. So he pulled her next to him so her head rested on his shoulder. Her hand reached for his and they sat that way, without a word, for some time. Both wished they could stay and live in that moment instead of going on to face the decisions that had to be made. But all too soon, they knew, they would have to face the harsh realities of their situation.
