"I Can't Let You Love Me" chapter 14



[Dr. Jeffrey Barnes and his father, James, are the creation of Raven Dancer. Raven owns them. They have come out to play in my story with her kind permission.]



The Qudditch game had actually been better than Severus anticipated. As usual, Gryffindor's team was better than Hufflepuff's but this game was made enjoyable by the fact that the Golden Snitch had been particularly elusive. It had taken Potter forever to pull off the inevitable capture.

Severus kept the look of disgust on his face all the way back to the castle and into his quarters. There, tossing off his cloak he permitted himself the merest hint of a smile. Nervous, indeed. Well he'd still managed to pull it off, hadn't he? Severus didn't know whether to feel pride or exasperation. Putting the question aside he tossed a pinch of Floo in the fireplace and said "Phoebe!" as he stepped in.

As he stepped out into her small quarters things seemed rather unnaturally still. "Phoebe?" he called uncertainly, "Phoebe, are you here?" No answer. He looked around. Not in bedroom, loo, or office. He didn't like that. Oh Blast, he was just being irrational! She'd probably gone up to the Great Hall for lunch.

Severus flooed back across to his own quarters and headed out into the corridor to go up to the great hall. She wasn't at the staff table. Severus turned immediately around and left. Dumbledore frowned slightly as he saw this but said nothing.

Severus checked the library, the staff room, her classrooms, and her quarters (again). Phoebe wasn't there. To hell with it. So what if he was a bit paranoid. He needed to see Dumbledore.

When he emerged into the headmaster's offices Dumbledore spoke immediately, "You didn't find her, then?"

At this point in their association Severus didn't even pause to wonder how Dumbledore knew. "No I didn't." he answered tersely.

"I took the liberty of discreetly having the grounds checked after you left the Great Hall. She is not there, either."

Severus found a chair and sank down into it. "She's been called then, to meet Voldemort." he said heavily.

"So it would seem," Dumbledore answered gravely.

"And it's not a full meeting since I was not also called," Severus said, his voice strained, "Ptolemy's Ghost I hope it's not a private meeing!" A small tremor was just visible in Snape's hands as he said this.

The older wizard moved around to place a hand on the younger one's arm. "All we can do is wait, Severus."

"Terrific" Severus responded very flatly.



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When Phoebe returned to the apparation point in the Forbidden Forest she turned not for the castle, but for Hogsmeade. The meeting with Voldemort, Malfoy, and the sniveling little Wormtail had been pointless and sickening... literally. A few minutes after she had arrived she felt the first of what would be seemingly endless waves of nausea. For what? She wondered. They wanted a status report. She had nothing to tell them. After all, only one thing had changed and she'd be dammed before she'd tell them that.

The walk to Hogsmeade was slow going. She had to stop several times to be physically ill and more than a few times just to lean against a tree and ride out the grinding pains in her stomach and lower abdomen. She was sure she must have been cursed by a death eater at the meeting. Since Voldemort was hardly shy about flinging curses about, it was likely Malfoy or Wormtail. If she had to wager she'd put her money on Wormtail.

The walk was beginning to feel endless and a small part of her wished she'd gone to the castle, instead. In her condition, however, she couldn't go to Pomfrey and risk the nurse discovering her secret. She'd have to go the Healer in Hogsmeade. When she finally stumbled to the edge of town twilight was gathering quickly. Now where was the healer's office? Oh yes...

Lights were burning in a single room of the healer's clinic when Phoebe finally managed to stumble to the door and knock. Damn! Whoever had thrown that curse was good. The healer, Dr. Jeffrey Barnes, opened the door, eyes first curious then concerned. Phoebe didn't have much time to register anything else. As she tried to step over the threshold she found her legs giving way. Fortunately, the healer was an experienced hand at catching sick and fainting wizards and witches. It came with the territory.

Jeffrey Barnes and his father, James, were both full Healers, a valued commodity in the wizarding world. Beside having the normal skills and qualifications and potions of a magical doctor they also has the ability to project themselves into a patient, to observe every system and function. They could also transfer healing energy into patient. Usually a healer conducted a physical exam and spoke with the patient before "going in." But Jeff Barnes needed to find out what was wrong right now. He placed his hands on the unconscious woman before him and poured his consciousness into her.

Forty five minutes later Jeff Barnes was reflecting that the situation before him certainly was not one that came with the territory. The woman before him was very ill, and yet she had no illness... no virus, no infection. Furthermore, he had thoroughly checked her for curses and she wasn't clear. She WAS pregnant but this was no morning sickness. He was fairly sure the problem centered around the pregnancy, however. But that was only the beginning. He'd read use of the cruciatus curse, several times, probably no more than a month before. There were several other injuries... mostly healed... from about that time.

He'd only had one other patient who managed to sustain several serious injuries aside from having endured the cruciatus curse at the same time the injuries were sustained. Just one other and unless he was mistaken... Jeffrey Barnes lifted the unconscious woman's left wrist and pulled her sleeve back. He saw the Dark Mark outlined in charred black. Right then, but whose side was she on? He didn't know this woman personally, but he knew her on sight to be a teacher up at Hogwarts.

What, exactly, was going on?

As his patient slipped from unconsciousness into an uneasy sleep he walked to his desk to write a note to send to Albus Dumbledore. He needed to speak with the Headmaster immediately about what he had discovered. In any case, whichever side she was on, this woman would NOT be returning to Hogwarts tonight. She was too ill.



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Severus was pacing sharply when the owl came and pushed its way in through a window that had been left slightly ajar. It flew over to Dumbledore, dropped a note, and flew away again, not waiting for a reply.

Severus watched tensely as Albus unfolded the short note and read it quickly, his brows furrowing together.

"Well?" the younger man asked impatiently

"Phoebe is at the clinic in Hogsmeade. This note says she is too ill to return to Hogwarts this evening." Dumbledore said, obviously trying to fit this new piece into the picture.

"You don't think she went there for a termination, do you?" Severus asked, unsure of whether or not he should hope she had.

"I don't know, Severus," Dumbledore conceded thoughtfully, "Although it certainly shouldn't have taken this long to send us word if she had and were suffering some ill effects. In any case Dr. Barnes asks me to come and speak with him as soon as possible."

"I'm going with you."

"I know."



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Jeffrey didn't seem surprised to see Dumbledore but he did raise his eyebrows ever so slightly when he saw Snape. He took in Snapes drawn face and worried expression before the man rushed past him to go to the patient. The healer watched him for a moment doing some mental math. It was clear to him Severus cared for the woman... very much. Who would have thought it? He had to wonder if Severus was the father of the child. That would be amazing... and could be quite devastating if she were on the Dark Side.

"Is she asleep?" Snape asked, concerned.

"After a fashion. I've given her several potions and she won't awaken for some time." The Healer conceded.

Dumbledore spoke, "Thank you for caring for Professor Taylor, Jeffrey."

"Ah, Taylor," Jeffrey said, moving to his desk to jot the name down. He looked up, "First name, please?"

"Phoebe," Dumbledore supplied, "Jeffrey, may I ask what's going on?"

Jeffrey hesitated, eyes moving to Snape.

"Professor Snape has my complete confidence in this matter."

The Healer sighed and began, "Professor Taylor came here about two hours ago, violently ill, weak, and in pain. She indicated she thought she might have been cursed. She has not been cursed, I checked most thoroughly. She is also not suffering from any virus or other infection." The Healer paused here looking swiftly from one man to the next. As it was he was probably revealing more about her condition than he should without her consent. Would she want Dumbledore knowing about her pregnancy?

"There are some other, ah, considerations that I explored," he began tentatively.

"Her pregnancy." Snape said. Dumbledore did not react to these words, merely looking at the healer to continue. Ah, so he knew.

"Yes, but this illness is not the proverbial 'morning sickness.'"

"Well, what IS it, then?" Snape asked sharply.

"I'm not prepared to make a definative diagnosis."

"What do you surmise is possible?" Dumbledore asked.

"I suspect it may have something to do with the pregnancy. It's almost as if she were toxic to it or it to her... but I'm not prepared to say just yet. I need more time and a second opinion from my father wouldn't hurt, either."

Severus and Albus' eyes met. Albus' eyes had a great sadness in them as, Severus suspected, did his own. If the pregnancy was toxic then it seemed more likely than ever it was Voldemort's child. He and Albus needed to talk... most likely out of the healer's earshot.

Dumbledore sighed heavily, then took Severus by surprise.

"Jeffrey, we need to take you into our confidence."

The healer nodded, "I was rather hoping you would. I assume this has something to do with that mark burned on her left forearem?"

Neither Dumbledore nor Snape looked shocked in the least at Jeffrey's mention of the Dark Mark. So, they knew. Interesting.

"It has everything to do with the mark," Dumbledore said.

"Would I be foolish to hope that, like Professor Snape here, she's one of our own?"

"You would not," Dumbledore conceded with a hint of a smile at the phrase "one of our own." One of our own, indeed. How often had Jeff been summoned to the castle to care for Severus after he returned, injured as usual, from a mission of spying on Voldemort?

"Professor Taylor has recently been initiated into the ranks of the Death Eaters where she is acting as one of our spies," Dumbledore said as the healer nodded. "Her initiation several weeks ago was conducted primarily by Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy. They were rather brutal..."

Grim comprehension crossed Dr. Barnes' face, "I had hoped I was wrong about that."

"I'm afraid not." Dumbledore said heavily.

"Is that the origin of the pregnancy, then?" Barnes asked gently, stealing a glance at Severus as he did so. The wizard turned his face away.

"Yes, it is." Dumbledore said flatly.

Several emotions struggled for dominance on the healer's face, among them anger and concern. The healer turned his eyes to a very unhappy Professor Snape, "Severus, I'm sorry," he said.

"Why?"

"I just am," Jeffrey said. He then turned and began to pace. Severus watched him for a moment. Was it that obvious that he cared for Phoebe? To Jeff it must be, but then the healer was rather perceptive. Severus sighed and went to sit by Phoebe's bed. Dumbledore remained standing, calmly regarding the healer, waiting. Finally Jeff stopped pacing.

"This answers a lot of questions. Unfortunately the answers aren't very good. It seems rather a bit more likely that there is something very wrong with the pregnancy... especially given the chance Voldemort is..." a quick glance at Snape, "Well, there is a very good chance it can't be sustained and that is what is making her ill. There is also the possibility that the pregnancy itself isn't at risk but that it is toxic to her.

"I can't say just yet. I'll need more time. In any case, she's not going anywhere tonight or tomorrow, either. Headmaster, I think you'd be wise to get her Monday classes covered." the Healer finished.

"Indeed," Dumbledore commented thoughtfully. "I shall get her classes covered through the week. I will be back tomorrow. Meanwhile, send word if things change."

The healer nodded.

"Severus?" Dumbledore said gently, "We have to go. It wouldn't do for you to be seen loitering about here considering you two have convinced Voldemort you despise one another."

"How'd they do that?" Jeffrey asked, surprised, before he could stop himself. To him it had been obvious the minute Severus walked in the room that Phoebe was his overwhelming concern, that he cared.

"Oh," Snape said in an empty tone as he rose, "It's never hard to convince people I despise someone. I'm rather good at it." With a glance back at Phoebe, Snape was gone, Dumbledore at his heels.

Jeffrey shut the door and watched their progress up the street through his window. After a few moments he lost sight of them in the deepening dark and took out his wand to begin putting protection charms around the clinic ...just in case.