ICLYLM Chapter 31: "Damn"
A/N: Jeffrey and James Barnes are the creations of Raven Dancer and appear here with her kind permission. The scene between the two is for you, Raven.
Phoebe woke very slowly. She dreamt she'd heard Severus' voice but when she opened her eyes and looked around the strange room she saw the bed opposite was empty.
"Where is he?"
The familiar face of Jeffrey Barnes moved into her line of vision.
"Welcome back to the land of the living, Phoebe," he said a hint of a smile in his voice. His manner, however, seemed slightly forced.
"Where is he?" Phoebe repeated, trying to remain calm.
"Who, Phoebe?" Jeffrey asked and quailed a bit at the awful look he got from his patient.
"Severus, Jeffrey! Tell me he got out of that evil place!"
Jeffrey sat down while trying to decide what to say.
"Phoebs" he said carefully, "He got out but he had to return. He's there now."
It was like being hit in the stomach. He was here. He'd gone back.
"He WAS here?" she said softly. Jeffrey nodded. "Then I did hear him."
The healer smiled but his face was still sad, "I expect you did, Phoebe," he allowed, "He made us all leave him alone with you for a few minutes before he left."
Phoebe felt her throat tighten as she struggled to digest this information.
"Why did he go back?"
"Siri- uh, Snuffles, a dog, an animagus, helped us - you and I - to escape. But the animagus didn't make it out. Severus insisted on going back for him."
Phoebe said nothing for several long minutes. Finally, her voice flat, she began to ask more questions.
"We're at Hogwarts?
"Yes."
"Where?"
"We're in an unused part of the third floor the Headmaster reserves for 'special projects' others don't need to know about."
"Because?"
Jeffrey took a breath before answering, "Because we've told everyone you're dead. Voldemort will have you killed otherwise and so we've put out the word that he's missed his chance."
"The... pregnancy, then?"
"Aborted itself, Phoebe, and almost took you with it."
Again silence stretched itself out across the room. Again, Phoebe broke it,
"How long has he been gone?"
"Not too long."
"And 'not too long' is how long, exactly?"
"About nine or ten hours."
"I see."
Nine or ten hours. The longer he was gone the greater the chance he would never return. Nor, for that matter, did the animagus appear to have a good chance at this point. Phoebe turned her head to study the stone wall beside her bed. She wanted to escape Jeffrey's gaze, it only made the horrible feeling of despair swelling within her that much worse.
She supposed this feeling must be akin to what the wretched prisoners of Azkaban felt. All she could think of was the fact that Severus was dead or suffering and wishing for death... and it was her fault. This whole grand mess was her fault, her stupid, stupid fault. And what, exactly had they gained? Nothing. And they'd lost far more. They'd lost the most valuable spy they'd ever had and she'd lost the man... the man who gave her something no one else had. "And the animagus," a part of her brain reminded her, "don't forget the man who rescued you. You probably got him killed, too." She tried desperately to think of something else but the only other thing she could call to mind was the night, that night, when she'd set this whole mess in motion.
Jeffrey watched his patient turn away from him to face the wall, her shoulders hunched miserably. It was hard to blame her. Still, as she slowly curled into a ball he found himself reaching out to touch her and scan her. Feeling her turmoil was like having the wind knocked out of him. Were she perfectly healthy he would be expecting turmoil; but in her weakened state there seemed to be an avalanche of misery. Guilt was knotted throughout her feelings with a tenacity that was rare and a little daunting. Jeffrey poured some comforting energy in through his connection and Phoebe stiffened, resisting. But Jeffrey increased the energy feed and overcame her resistance. He continued to "nose around" and he did not like what he saw.
He wove a sleeping spell on the witch and pulled himself back out. He rose and walked to the window uttering an oath that would have gotten his hide tanned raw had he said it as a child. He father had not been prone to physical discipline, but Jeffrey was sure that this particular phrase could have helped his father overcome his aversion to violence... for just a moment, in any case. Jeffrey allowed himself a small smile and shook his head. Probably not. As a healer one could see, sense, and feel a great deal when one scanned a patient. Often one was told even more. It was hard to even consider raising even a light hand to a child after hearing and seeing some of the things done to people in their youth. No, even that profane phrase wouldn't have inspired corporal punishment. Although, Jeffrey admitted, he would probably still be mucking out cow stalls without magic to this day.
Again, Jeffrey shook his head. He was allowing his mind to wander because he was tired, but also because he wasn't quite sure how to proceed. He and his Father had "fought the good fight" with Phoebe medically and they were clearly on the way to winning that race. But unless he was very much mistaken, they were likely to lose this particular patient, anyway. There wasn't much force left behind her will to live and more strength seemed to be gathering behind her will to die. They were in a very precarious balance at the moment. One man's fate would likely be the factor to tip the scales in either direction. He didn't like being so helpless.
"Jeffrey?" a voice asked softly behind him. He turned to see his father with a concerned look on his face.
"Son?"
He didn't know where to start. He was worried about his patient... hadn't left her, in fact. Now, after all they'd been through... He looked up into his father's eyes as the older man put a hand on his shoulder. He opened his mouth and a small tremor went through him.
"Oh, Dad, I just don't know where to start."
The elder healer gently walked his son over to the empty bed. He sat him down and settled himself beside him, an arm around his shoulder.
"How about at the beginning? You must have been pretty frightened, Son."
Jeffrey hadn't expected this. He thought he'd just find a way to explain his current patient problem. But his father was... was pulling him against him and stroking his head as he had when Jeffrey was a child. Jeffrey found himself trembling again and then something inside him shifted out of the way and he found himself burying his head into his father's robes and letting the stress and fear and uncertainty come out in the form of tears as his father slowly rocked him.
After a time Jeffrey's father spoke, voice hoarse, "I was scared, too, Son. It's a parent's worst nightmare, they say, and they're right."
"It was awful," Jeffrey admitted running a hand across his cheeks to dry them. "After everything we've seen and heard to be that creature's prisoner..."
"Did you see him?"
"No. Severus and a guard were the only other persons, beside Phoebe, I saw until the other night when we escaped. I knew intellectually how the isolation was supposed to affect me, but knowing didn't help. It felt pretty hopeless down there. But that wasn't the worst." Jeffrey said bitterly.
"What was?"
"What they were making me do, keeping her alive to be some sort of incubator... letting her be poisoned and killed. Dad, you can't imagine..." Jeffrey trailed off again.
"No, I don't suppose I really can. It goes against who we are as healers, everything we believe." his father said gravely.
Jeffrey sat up a little feeling somewhat drained, yet a bit lighter. "Dad, I think I'm still going to lose her."
The older healer nodded, "That whole emotional mess in there?"
"Yes. I can't see where to begin or even how to make a difference."
James Barnes was silent for a moment or two. Finally he spoke, "Jeff, can you think of anyone else whose emotional scan seemed at least as daunting?"
"Of course," Jeffrey said softly, "Severus."
"He's come such a long way, Son, in no small part due to you. Phoebe won't be easy, but you and I can do it, I think."
"Even if Severus doesn't come back?" Jeffrey said biting the inside of his lip to keep his voice as steady as possible.
"Merlin and all the People's gods forbid, Jeffrey. We can't count Severus out just yet. Besides, didn't you say just last year that the man was too stubborn to die?"
Jeffrey allowed himself a wistful smile at this thought. "I hope I'm right, Dad," he said.
"Well," the older healer said giving his son a small hug, "Aren't you always?"
(The evening before:)
The Riddle house had been quiet when Severus looked down toward it from the edge of the woods at Sunset. What was it they said in those cheap muggle movies? "Too quiet." Still, with Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle gone, and the two guards dead that really would only leave Voldemort and Wormtail... and the snake Nagini.
Severus leaned heavily against a tree and concentrated on taking a few deep breaths to help steady the shaking that remained with him... from the cruciatus or his nervousness he could not tell. It was very quiet and if he were quiet he might be able to find the animagus and get out before having to present himself to the Dark Lord. He tamped down the cynical voice that wanted to tell him that wasn't likely.
He and Dumbledore had worked out his story, in any case. The woman had died shortly after escape, much to Dumbledore's apparent chagrin. The Headmaster had her body cremated and the ashes were in his office awaiting a scattering ceremony the next day. The Dark Lord would be ill-inclined to believe him, but it was likely enough that, with suspicion firmly cast on Malfoy, it might work. Again the cynical voice began to add a dissenting view and Severus silenced it. This was the best they could do, after all. He'd have to work with whatever came.
Now, the first thing he needed to do was see if the Black dog was still lying where it had been flung by Malfoy's spell. If it was, it was likely dead by now: a thought Severus did not care to entertain too long. That was the place to start. He looked at the scrub, bushes, boulders and outbuildings that stood between him and the spot on the lawn. There wasn't enough cover, but enough that with silence and darkness it might work. It would be full dark soon. Until then he just needed to wait and breathe. He longed to sit, but feared if he did so he might fall asleep.
When dark had finally gathered all around him he moved slowly and quitetly out from the shelter of the trees, grateful for his dark robes and his talent for silence.
He stopped periodically behind the cover of a bush or small tree to survey his surroundings and take stock. This was taking forever and yet bringing him close to
the house too quickly both at the same time. There was an over-large rock between him and the first of the outbuildings. Then a few bushes between the small
barn and the spot to which the dog had flown... far, far, too close to that awful pile of bricks for comfort. Severus swallowed and pushed those thoughts away.
He must concentrate on the task at hand.
The three dogs in the barn stilled, dropped the edges of the sack with Snuffles on it, and put their heads up listening intently. What was it? A sound? A smell? Something had alerted them to the presence of a human outside the small barn. Blackie moved very quietly toward the direction they sensed the person to be. Yes, there was a man, he could see him through the spaces between the shrunken boards. He was moving very carefully and quietly past the barn. He didn't seem concerned that anything might be in it; so Blackie waited and watched. The man moved to the corner and looked carefully at the evil place before moving just as carefully and quietly toward the holly bush several yards away. The man continued to look nervously toward the evil place as he went.
Blackie decided that if he were that nervous about the evil place he probably wasn't one of the evil men. Still, it didn't pay to be foolish. They would have to wait until the man was gone before they drug the man/dog to the shelter of the woods. He went quietly back to the expectant Brownie and Ripper and softly explained this. The two dogs settled on either side of Snuffles who was still "out." Blackie went to settle down near a good spot to watch the man outside.
To Blackie's surprise the man went to the spot the evil man had flung Snuffles with his stick earlier in the day. The man was on his knees examining the spot carefully. He then moved slowly back to the shelter of the second holly bush. Blackie tried very hard to sort this out. Was this man looking for the Snuffles? If so, why? Did he want to help him or hurt him? He had no way to decide. Better to be safe and hope he went away soon. He and his friends would help the man/dog until he felt well enough to help himself.
Blackie watched the man make his way carefully back toward their shelter. When the man got there he looked around nervously and then checked something strapped to his wrist. Then, to Blackie's dismay he began to look at their building very carefully.
"Hide!" hissed Blackie, "Quietly!" he added as he softly leapt over and took an edge of the sack upon which Snuffles lay. Brownie and Ripper also grasped the
sack and helped Blackie pull it toward the mouldy pile in the corner. They could hear the man running his hand softly along the outside walls. He would round
the corner and find the door at any moment...
Severus leaned against the small barn. Sirius wasn't were he had been thrown. That was probably good. So long as no one thought him to be anything but a dog he may have managed to crawl to one of the outbuildings. He might also have captured the attention of a very upset Wormtail... but that possibility didn't bear too much contemplation at the moment. He needed to search the outbuildings... starting with this one, the closest. He looked at his watch. He needed to get on with it, too. No telling how long it would take.
As he ran his hand lightly along the worn boards of the building searching for the edge of a door or a hinge he heard a sort of rustling hiss from inside. He paused, listening intently. No, it wasn't the sound of the snake Nagini (thank Merlin). It wasn't precisely a hiss, either. Marshaling some extra caution he found the door, held his wand at the ready, and noiselessly stepped inside.
Silence. As he waited for his eyes to adjust to the deeper darkness inside the building he now heard nothing, and that made him nervous. There was nothing for it, he needed to see what was going on.
"Lumos minor" he whispered and a faint beam of bluish light glowed from the edge of his wand. "Quickly now" he thought to himself. It wouldn't do for someone to see light flickering between the substantial cracks in the walls of this shed.
There wasn't much to see. A tiny loft was empty save for some trash and a bit of scattered straw. Rusty wheelbarrows and shovels hid no secrets, either. That left only the pile of burlap sacks in the corner. Snape wrinkled his nose at the musty smell as he drew near. He also noticed that one of the bags near the floor toward the back had twitched.
He backed away carefully and found a long-handled garden rake. Standing as far away as the rake would allow and training his wand on the spot, he used the end of the rake to snag the sack and whip it away.
He was met with three sets of snarling teeth and one very large, very unconscious Snuffles. He kept his wand on the dogs and carefully dropped the rake. Great. How could he get past these animals without hurting them? They were obviously protecting the injured animagus and he couldn't knock all three out at once. As soon as he nailed one the other two were bound to spring on him. "Damn," he thought as the snarling continued.
As he watched, Snuffles stirred a bit. That was probably what made the sack twitch. Hopefully that meant the animagus was close to regaining consciousness. With a flick of his wand at Snuffles Severus hissed, "Ennervate." He was rewarded with a more menacing pitch of growling but also with significantly more twitching and movement from Sirius.
"Comeon, Black," Severus breathed, looking over his shoulder toward the door, "Hurry up. The longer this takes the worse our chances." Aside from the flick of the wand and earlier dropping of the rake, Snape had remained still and the three "guard dogs" seemed content to continue the stand off so long as he didn't move any more.
Finally the large black dog pushed itself on its stomach and shook it's head. It was at this moment it seemed to become sensible to what was going on around it. Snuffles looked curiously at his growling friends trying to make out at what they were growling. There seemed to be a man with a bit of light coming from his wand. Damn! A Death Eater? He half walked, half dragged himself over to Blackie trying to get a better look at the man. As soon as he was at Blackie's side the man turned the wand toward himself. SNAPE!
It took Snuffles a moment to take this in and work out what it meant but soon he was lightly ruffing at the other dogs.
"He won't hurt us. Blackie, this is the other man from my pack. I think he is trying to find me."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," Snuffles said looking at Severus who gave him a desperate look and put a finger to his lips. "We've got to be quiet or the bad men will hear us and come!" Snuffles said urgently.
The other three dogs quieted immediately... just in time to pick up the sounds of a door in the evil place shutting and a shuffling steps making coming rapidly in their direction.
The man and the Snuffles said exactly the same thing at the same time. The other dogs didn't understand the word, but they understood the feeling behind it.
"Damn."
