Disclaimer: Jonny Quest and gang do not belong to me. Fox belongs to
KC, while Claudia and Kaplan do belong to me.
-----------------------
"Hey dad, how's it's going? I know, I know it's been a while, I'm sorry. I just haven't had the time to come to visit much; it's amazing how five years can fly by. I'll stop making excuses though we both know I've never been very good with them. How's mom?" Jonathan Quest knelt down half expecting a response as he brushed the grass away from the cold stone. He picked up the dead flowers tossing them aside as he replaced them with a new batch. "I'm glad that someone has been visiting in my absence. I wonder who it is. I bet its Race or Hadji. Maybe even Jessie, she always said you were like a father to her." He sighed softly as the cool morning air danced past him; ghostly images of the former Quest team appearing around the grave. Jonny and Hadji stood silently to one side of the open grave and Race with his arm around Jessie on the other. "I can still see them as if it just happened. I never noticed their pain then." He closed his eyes.
"Everything changed when you left dad. It was like a rock hitting the pond, except the ripples never seemed to die; they only got larger. I'm not even sure where it all went wrong, but everything just fell apart. You pull the wrong piece and it all comes tumbling down". He sat in the crisp grass beside the grave, his back resting against the stone, "There's so much I want to tell you, but I don't know where to start". He thought for a few minutes, running a hand through is blonde hair, before he continued, "I guess it all really started after the funeral."
Five years beforehand
Eighteen-year-old Jonny Quest slouched in a chair trying to use the shadows of the corner to keep him hidden. They had returned from the graveside about an hour ago. All he really wanted right now was to be alone, but everyone and their mother seemed to have other ideas. Everyone who had been at the funeral had decided it was their job to console the family in their time of grief. Why wouldn't they just leave? It was all just a bunch of bullshit anyways. He groaned as one of his father's colleagues spotted him. Jonny rubbed his face and looked up as she stopped in front of him.
"I just wanted to say how sorry I am, Jonny. Your father was a great man," The middle-aged woman gave him a soft, sad smile to accompany her words.
He just blinked at her. "You're sorry? You're sorry?" He laughed softly. He had heard that phrase a thousand times that day. "What kind of lame ass saying is that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I kicked you; I'm sorry I spilled coffee on you; I'm sorry your father is six feet under. I mean, God, it sounds as if I lost the door prize at some stupid party. Oh, and then there's he was a great man. Shit, are you trying to depress me more? Or maybe, you just figure that even though I lived with the man for eighteen years, I haven't come to realize how special he was, so you have to come and point it out to me? Is that it?"
She just looked at him too shocked to really say anything. By the time he had finished his rant, he had captured the attention of most people in the room. Jonny's eyes danced with fire waiting for her to say something else so he could attack more. He knew he was unjustly taking all his anger out her, but at the moment he could not have cared less.
Jessie Bannon walked over and placed her hand on his arm. "Jonny calm down," His only reply was to glare at her. "You must excuse his behavior Mrs. Smith, but you must understand how upsetting of a time this is."
"Of course, of course."
"Come on Jonny, why don't we go outside. You know get some fresh air, cool off a bit?"
"Fine, anywhere has to be better than crammed in here with a bunch of moronic assholes." He pulled away from her and headed for the door.
Jessie was close on his heels as they walked out of compound. The hot, humid summer air that met them as they exited wasn't much relief from the stuffy atmosphere they had just left. Neither said a word as they walked away from the house heading for the cliffs. Jessie could sense the internal struggle he was going through. She gently placed her hand on his for comfort and support, but never dared to break the silence. She knew well enough that he needed to be the one to do that once he was ready.
"I wish they'd all go home."
"I know, but they're just trying to be helpful."
"Well they aren't"
"There just aren't any," she paused searching for a word to use, "appropriate words for this sort of thing Jonny. Everyone is hurting in their own way."
He snorted.
"They are you know, maybe not like you, but they are hurting. He's lost to them, too. I guess maybe they think, if they can help ease your grief then it will make them feel better."
"Well I don't feel like being their special pity project so they all need to just shove off."
She shrugged. She knew this wasn't the best time to argue with him. He was hurting and anger was his way of showing it. She knew eventually he'd come to his senses and work through it all. Until then they'd just have to wait.
"You know if you want to talk about it."
"There's nothing to talk about. He's dead, end of story."
"There's more to it than that Jonny Quest and you know it."
"Not really."
"How about how you feel about the whole situation."
"Frell Jessie, how do you think I feel? My father is dead!"
"So tell me about it."
"Forget it. You're just like everyone else."
She looked rather hurt. "I was just trying…to help."
"Just like them. DON'T!"
"Fine," she replied back softly. "But I miss him too Jonny"
"Yeah, well, there's a difference between you and me Jess. He was my father not yours."
"I always saw him as a second father…"
"SECOND is the key word there. Your father is inside playing host to all those stupid people. Mine well, we just put him in the ground today."
She toyed with saying something else as he moved to leave.
"I'm going for a walk."
"If you want to talk…"
"Yeah, yeah I know where to find you."
Jessie remained silent as she watched him stalk into the woods. She wished she knew how to help him, to ease his suffering, but the truth was she was suffering, too. She had hoped they'd be able to lean on each other, be the support the other needed to get through it all. She rubbed her face. There were others in the house, Race, Hadji, that she could go to talk to, but she still worried about Jonny. Sooner or later it would gnaw right through him. She just hoped that he didn't manage to shut them all out before it happened. He would need someone to be there when he fell.
Jonny kicked the dirt as he walked. None of them understood how he felt. He had nothing left. His dad had been the last one that he truly knew of his family. He was all alone now. What scared him the most was that he would forget the little things about his father that he held so dear, just like he had with his mother. He could barely remember anything about her and what he could came from pictures and his father. He didn't want his father to be that faded memory in a picture box, but he was afraid that over time he would forget; forget what he sounded like, forget how he got this far away look when he was worried, forget how he sat drinking his coffee while reading the morning paper at the breakfast table every day. He kicked a fallen branch hard as he continued on. It wasn't fair. His father shouldn't have died!
"Jonny…"
His eyes widened as he looked around. "Dad?"
"Jonny…" the wind whispered again.
"Dad? Dad, is that you?" his voice was frantic, like a young child who had been separated from his parents in a store. He spun every direction looking for him. "Dad??"
A chilled wind replaced the humid air that had been hanging around as dark cloud began to gather in the sky. Jonny didn't notice; he knew what he had heard and he had to hear it again.
The wind picked up again as the trees gently swayed. "Jonny..."
"Dad, where are you?"
Nothing.
"DAD!"
Still nothing.
"I'm sorry dad, please, you can't leave me!"
The only reply that he received was the fat drops of rain that started to fall rapidly. Jonny fell to his knees. "You can't leave me," he murmured as his head dropped down, "you can't." The rain continued to fall as if the sky was joining the others in mourning the lost of Dr. Benton Quest.
It was hours before a drenched Jonny walked in the door. His blond hair was matted to his head, hanging down in his blue eyes.
"Jonny! Where have you been?" Race asked as he saw the boy walk in.
"Woods"
"You're soaked, get out of those clothes."
He shrugged.
"Now, before you get sick."
He looked up at Race. "You're not my father."
"Jonny, I never—"
"Don't try to replace him.'
"I couldn't."
"Damn right you couldn't. So don't try to start telling me what to do."
"I was worried, Jonny. You've been gone for hours and when you finally come in you're soaked to the bone. I may not be your father, but I care for you and I always have. I don't want to see you be next."
He shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"Damn it, Jonny, yes it does."
He gave no response as he headed for his room. He didn't care what Race or anyone said right now. Actually, it was more like he didn't care about anything. All he wanted to do was curl up in a hole somewhere and…die. Maybe die was the wrong word, but he wished he could just hibernate for the next ten years. It was all just too much. He collapsed on his bed, still in his wet clothes, and curled up. His numb limbs barely felt the coldness of the clothes. He closed his eyes, shutting out the world, as sleep over took him.
Jonny's attitude got worse over the weeks. He began to shut everyone out of his life. Race, Jessie, Hadji, he ignored them all. Most of the time he either locked himself in his room or disappeared into the woods. They had tried to get him to talk, open up just a little, but he just shrugged them off. He had, however, come close to confiding in Jessie several times, but had never crossed over the line. They were beginning to really worry about him. He was beginning to lose weight and the dark circles under his eyes told the truth of how sleep deprived he was. He face had become like a mask, iron and unfeeling, but if you looked close enough you could see the pain that his eyes revealed. He was two steps from the edge; he would either break soon or there would be no retrieving him.
What the rest didn't know was that Jonny was still hearing his father's voice; there were even times when he believed he saw him. It had gotten so bad that he almost had himself convinced that his father was just away and any day he would return, complaining about another awful conference. For the moment, it was enough to ease the aching hole that had begun to consume him. The waking nightmares of watching his father's death had slowed, too. If he only believed that he was still alive, then he could persuade himself to believe that the rest was nothing more then a dream, then maybe he could finally be at peace again. That was the main reason he ignored the others. They were trying to force him to face the truth; he was trying to run from it.
He went downstairs, bypassing the others in the living room, and went to Benton's office. Everything was exactly the same; absolutely nothing had changed. He ran his hand across the dark maple desk as he moved behind it. Benton had never really liked the kids to be in his office when he wasn't around. He was afraid they would get themselves in trouble with one of the numerous gadgets he had locked away. The kids all knew how to handle them properly, only using them when absolutely needed, but he still worried. Jonny figured just this once wouldn't hurt. He wanted to be there when his father got home, knowing that he often went to his office first.
"Jonny?"
"Hmmm?"
"What are you doing?"
"Waiting for dad, Jess."
She bit her lip he was losing it, "Jonny, he's not coming home, remember?"
"Sure he is. Why wouldn't he?"
"He's dead."
He completely ignored her comment. "He never stays at those conferences too long. You know how he is. He loves to be with fellow scientists, but can only handle them for so long. Something about too many different opinions."
She shifted. "Why don't you come join us in the living room? Watch some T.V. for a bit?"
"Naw, I'm fine. I really need to talk to dad, so I'll just stay here. Make sure I catch him when he first comes home."
"Ok, but the offer is good anytime if you start to get bored."
"I'll be fine."
Jessie just stood there for the longest time watching her friend. She felt so helpless. She could feel him slipping away, but she had no idea how to bring him back. She didn't want to lose him, too.
"Jonny?"
"Hmmm?"
"Never mind."
"Ok."
She bit her lip again before turning and leaving the room. She headed back to the living room; maybe Race would be able to snap him out of it.
"Hey day."
"Yeah ponchita?"
"I think something is really wrong with, Jonny."
He turned and looked at her worried. "Why what's happened?"
"He's…" she hesitated. "He's in Dr. Quest's office, waiting for him to come home."
"What?"
"He's convinced himself that Dr. Quest isn't dead. He just thinks that he's gone to a conference. When I mentioned that he had died, it was if he hadn't even heard me. He just continued to babble on how he'd be back soon."
Race rubbed his face. "I'll go see what I can do."
Race entered the office a few minutes later, carrying a plate with a sandwich and chips.
"Hey, you hungry?"
"Not really."
"You really should eat something."
"Really, I'm not hungry. Maybe I'll have something when dad comes home."
He sat the plate on the desk and pulled up a chair beside him. "Jonny."
"Hmmm?"
"Your father is dead."
Nothing.
"Jonny, look at me."
It took a few seconds, but his head turned, his blue eyes staring.
"He's dead, Jonny."
He blinked. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes, you do. He died Jonny, he was shot."
Jonny's bottom lip began to quiver slightly.
"He's gone."
He turned his head away, allowing it to drop down. "I-I know…but I keep hearing his voice, Race."
"It's just your imagination playing tricks with you. It's letting you hear what you want to hear."
"He keeps calling to me. I should have been able to save him."
"It wasn't your fault."
"Yes, it was."
"No, Jonny, it wasn't your fault. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I was the one who was suppose to protect him, not you."
"But I should have never gone that way, I should have stayed with you. If I would have we would have never been separated and they would have never been able to sneak up on us like that."
"The past is full of many 'what ifs' Jonny, but you can't change it. You don't know that the same thing would have happened if we stayed together. They were on our trail, they would have caught up to us sooner or later."
"It's not fair…" he whispered. "Why did he have to die?"
"Shhh, it'll be ok," Race said soothingly as he wrapped his arms around the boy. Jonny leaned against him as he started to sob. The older man held him reassuring him softly, "Shh, it'll be ok."
****
"I wasn't sure it would ever be ok though. No matter what Race said I still blamed myself. I don't know what got into me, maybe that old sense of adventure. Maybe it was the fact that I knew that college would begin that fall, which meant a break from the life we thought normal." Jonny twisted a blade a grass between his fingers, pondering his next words. "Race always used to say that I could jump into a lake and come out dry, but he never mentioned the consequences it would have on the ones you love." He tore the piece of grass to bits. "I'm so sorry you had to pay for my foolishness."
He sat in silence for several minutes trying to regain his thoughts. "Well, you know I was accepted to Yale, but I never went. I know you're probably not too happy about that, but I got a better offer. It was an offer I'm pretty sure you wouldn't approve of, but at the time I believed it to be best. I already knew a lot of the little secrets of the agency trade. I know you're probably rolling in your grave, but hear me out.
I had distanced myself from the others so much already I had begun to hurt the relationships we shared. I really did believe that my family had died the day you did. I couldn't see that blood isn't what makes a family. Anyways, no family to me meant no weakness; there would be no one to threaten, besides danger had always been my middle name." He ran a hand through his hair, muffling it up a bit. "There was so much going on in my head when I made the decision. Why don't I just try to tell the story a little better. You see it was the mid-July when I got the phone call…."
-----------------------
"Hey dad, how's it's going? I know, I know it's been a while, I'm sorry. I just haven't had the time to come to visit much; it's amazing how five years can fly by. I'll stop making excuses though we both know I've never been very good with them. How's mom?" Jonathan Quest knelt down half expecting a response as he brushed the grass away from the cold stone. He picked up the dead flowers tossing them aside as he replaced them with a new batch. "I'm glad that someone has been visiting in my absence. I wonder who it is. I bet its Race or Hadji. Maybe even Jessie, she always said you were like a father to her." He sighed softly as the cool morning air danced past him; ghostly images of the former Quest team appearing around the grave. Jonny and Hadji stood silently to one side of the open grave and Race with his arm around Jessie on the other. "I can still see them as if it just happened. I never noticed their pain then." He closed his eyes.
"Everything changed when you left dad. It was like a rock hitting the pond, except the ripples never seemed to die; they only got larger. I'm not even sure where it all went wrong, but everything just fell apart. You pull the wrong piece and it all comes tumbling down". He sat in the crisp grass beside the grave, his back resting against the stone, "There's so much I want to tell you, but I don't know where to start". He thought for a few minutes, running a hand through is blonde hair, before he continued, "I guess it all really started after the funeral."
Five years beforehand
Eighteen-year-old Jonny Quest slouched in a chair trying to use the shadows of the corner to keep him hidden. They had returned from the graveside about an hour ago. All he really wanted right now was to be alone, but everyone and their mother seemed to have other ideas. Everyone who had been at the funeral had decided it was their job to console the family in their time of grief. Why wouldn't they just leave? It was all just a bunch of bullshit anyways. He groaned as one of his father's colleagues spotted him. Jonny rubbed his face and looked up as she stopped in front of him.
"I just wanted to say how sorry I am, Jonny. Your father was a great man," The middle-aged woman gave him a soft, sad smile to accompany her words.
He just blinked at her. "You're sorry? You're sorry?" He laughed softly. He had heard that phrase a thousand times that day. "What kind of lame ass saying is that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I kicked you; I'm sorry I spilled coffee on you; I'm sorry your father is six feet under. I mean, God, it sounds as if I lost the door prize at some stupid party. Oh, and then there's he was a great man. Shit, are you trying to depress me more? Or maybe, you just figure that even though I lived with the man for eighteen years, I haven't come to realize how special he was, so you have to come and point it out to me? Is that it?"
She just looked at him too shocked to really say anything. By the time he had finished his rant, he had captured the attention of most people in the room. Jonny's eyes danced with fire waiting for her to say something else so he could attack more. He knew he was unjustly taking all his anger out her, but at the moment he could not have cared less.
Jessie Bannon walked over and placed her hand on his arm. "Jonny calm down," His only reply was to glare at her. "You must excuse his behavior Mrs. Smith, but you must understand how upsetting of a time this is."
"Of course, of course."
"Come on Jonny, why don't we go outside. You know get some fresh air, cool off a bit?"
"Fine, anywhere has to be better than crammed in here with a bunch of moronic assholes." He pulled away from her and headed for the door.
Jessie was close on his heels as they walked out of compound. The hot, humid summer air that met them as they exited wasn't much relief from the stuffy atmosphere they had just left. Neither said a word as they walked away from the house heading for the cliffs. Jessie could sense the internal struggle he was going through. She gently placed her hand on his for comfort and support, but never dared to break the silence. She knew well enough that he needed to be the one to do that once he was ready.
"I wish they'd all go home."
"I know, but they're just trying to be helpful."
"Well they aren't"
"There just aren't any," she paused searching for a word to use, "appropriate words for this sort of thing Jonny. Everyone is hurting in their own way."
He snorted.
"They are you know, maybe not like you, but they are hurting. He's lost to them, too. I guess maybe they think, if they can help ease your grief then it will make them feel better."
"Well I don't feel like being their special pity project so they all need to just shove off."
She shrugged. She knew this wasn't the best time to argue with him. He was hurting and anger was his way of showing it. She knew eventually he'd come to his senses and work through it all. Until then they'd just have to wait.
"You know if you want to talk about it."
"There's nothing to talk about. He's dead, end of story."
"There's more to it than that Jonny Quest and you know it."
"Not really."
"How about how you feel about the whole situation."
"Frell Jessie, how do you think I feel? My father is dead!"
"So tell me about it."
"Forget it. You're just like everyone else."
She looked rather hurt. "I was just trying…to help."
"Just like them. DON'T!"
"Fine," she replied back softly. "But I miss him too Jonny"
"Yeah, well, there's a difference between you and me Jess. He was my father not yours."
"I always saw him as a second father…"
"SECOND is the key word there. Your father is inside playing host to all those stupid people. Mine well, we just put him in the ground today."
She toyed with saying something else as he moved to leave.
"I'm going for a walk."
"If you want to talk…"
"Yeah, yeah I know where to find you."
Jessie remained silent as she watched him stalk into the woods. She wished she knew how to help him, to ease his suffering, but the truth was she was suffering, too. She had hoped they'd be able to lean on each other, be the support the other needed to get through it all. She rubbed her face. There were others in the house, Race, Hadji, that she could go to talk to, but she still worried about Jonny. Sooner or later it would gnaw right through him. She just hoped that he didn't manage to shut them all out before it happened. He would need someone to be there when he fell.
Jonny kicked the dirt as he walked. None of them understood how he felt. He had nothing left. His dad had been the last one that he truly knew of his family. He was all alone now. What scared him the most was that he would forget the little things about his father that he held so dear, just like he had with his mother. He could barely remember anything about her and what he could came from pictures and his father. He didn't want his father to be that faded memory in a picture box, but he was afraid that over time he would forget; forget what he sounded like, forget how he got this far away look when he was worried, forget how he sat drinking his coffee while reading the morning paper at the breakfast table every day. He kicked a fallen branch hard as he continued on. It wasn't fair. His father shouldn't have died!
"Jonny…"
His eyes widened as he looked around. "Dad?"
"Jonny…" the wind whispered again.
"Dad? Dad, is that you?" his voice was frantic, like a young child who had been separated from his parents in a store. He spun every direction looking for him. "Dad??"
A chilled wind replaced the humid air that had been hanging around as dark cloud began to gather in the sky. Jonny didn't notice; he knew what he had heard and he had to hear it again.
The wind picked up again as the trees gently swayed. "Jonny..."
"Dad, where are you?"
Nothing.
"DAD!"
Still nothing.
"I'm sorry dad, please, you can't leave me!"
The only reply that he received was the fat drops of rain that started to fall rapidly. Jonny fell to his knees. "You can't leave me," he murmured as his head dropped down, "you can't." The rain continued to fall as if the sky was joining the others in mourning the lost of Dr. Benton Quest.
It was hours before a drenched Jonny walked in the door. His blond hair was matted to his head, hanging down in his blue eyes.
"Jonny! Where have you been?" Race asked as he saw the boy walk in.
"Woods"
"You're soaked, get out of those clothes."
He shrugged.
"Now, before you get sick."
He looked up at Race. "You're not my father."
"Jonny, I never—"
"Don't try to replace him.'
"I couldn't."
"Damn right you couldn't. So don't try to start telling me what to do."
"I was worried, Jonny. You've been gone for hours and when you finally come in you're soaked to the bone. I may not be your father, but I care for you and I always have. I don't want to see you be next."
He shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"Damn it, Jonny, yes it does."
He gave no response as he headed for his room. He didn't care what Race or anyone said right now. Actually, it was more like he didn't care about anything. All he wanted to do was curl up in a hole somewhere and…die. Maybe die was the wrong word, but he wished he could just hibernate for the next ten years. It was all just too much. He collapsed on his bed, still in his wet clothes, and curled up. His numb limbs barely felt the coldness of the clothes. He closed his eyes, shutting out the world, as sleep over took him.
Jonny's attitude got worse over the weeks. He began to shut everyone out of his life. Race, Jessie, Hadji, he ignored them all. Most of the time he either locked himself in his room or disappeared into the woods. They had tried to get him to talk, open up just a little, but he just shrugged them off. He had, however, come close to confiding in Jessie several times, but had never crossed over the line. They were beginning to really worry about him. He was beginning to lose weight and the dark circles under his eyes told the truth of how sleep deprived he was. He face had become like a mask, iron and unfeeling, but if you looked close enough you could see the pain that his eyes revealed. He was two steps from the edge; he would either break soon or there would be no retrieving him.
What the rest didn't know was that Jonny was still hearing his father's voice; there were even times when he believed he saw him. It had gotten so bad that he almost had himself convinced that his father was just away and any day he would return, complaining about another awful conference. For the moment, it was enough to ease the aching hole that had begun to consume him. The waking nightmares of watching his father's death had slowed, too. If he only believed that he was still alive, then he could persuade himself to believe that the rest was nothing more then a dream, then maybe he could finally be at peace again. That was the main reason he ignored the others. They were trying to force him to face the truth; he was trying to run from it.
He went downstairs, bypassing the others in the living room, and went to Benton's office. Everything was exactly the same; absolutely nothing had changed. He ran his hand across the dark maple desk as he moved behind it. Benton had never really liked the kids to be in his office when he wasn't around. He was afraid they would get themselves in trouble with one of the numerous gadgets he had locked away. The kids all knew how to handle them properly, only using them when absolutely needed, but he still worried. Jonny figured just this once wouldn't hurt. He wanted to be there when his father got home, knowing that he often went to his office first.
"Jonny?"
"Hmmm?"
"What are you doing?"
"Waiting for dad, Jess."
She bit her lip he was losing it, "Jonny, he's not coming home, remember?"
"Sure he is. Why wouldn't he?"
"He's dead."
He completely ignored her comment. "He never stays at those conferences too long. You know how he is. He loves to be with fellow scientists, but can only handle them for so long. Something about too many different opinions."
She shifted. "Why don't you come join us in the living room? Watch some T.V. for a bit?"
"Naw, I'm fine. I really need to talk to dad, so I'll just stay here. Make sure I catch him when he first comes home."
"Ok, but the offer is good anytime if you start to get bored."
"I'll be fine."
Jessie just stood there for the longest time watching her friend. She felt so helpless. She could feel him slipping away, but she had no idea how to bring him back. She didn't want to lose him, too.
"Jonny?"
"Hmmm?"
"Never mind."
"Ok."
She bit her lip again before turning and leaving the room. She headed back to the living room; maybe Race would be able to snap him out of it.
"Hey day."
"Yeah ponchita?"
"I think something is really wrong with, Jonny."
He turned and looked at her worried. "Why what's happened?"
"He's…" she hesitated. "He's in Dr. Quest's office, waiting for him to come home."
"What?"
"He's convinced himself that Dr. Quest isn't dead. He just thinks that he's gone to a conference. When I mentioned that he had died, it was if he hadn't even heard me. He just continued to babble on how he'd be back soon."
Race rubbed his face. "I'll go see what I can do."
Race entered the office a few minutes later, carrying a plate with a sandwich and chips.
"Hey, you hungry?"
"Not really."
"You really should eat something."
"Really, I'm not hungry. Maybe I'll have something when dad comes home."
He sat the plate on the desk and pulled up a chair beside him. "Jonny."
"Hmmm?"
"Your father is dead."
Nothing.
"Jonny, look at me."
It took a few seconds, but his head turned, his blue eyes staring.
"He's dead, Jonny."
He blinked. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes, you do. He died Jonny, he was shot."
Jonny's bottom lip began to quiver slightly.
"He's gone."
He turned his head away, allowing it to drop down. "I-I know…but I keep hearing his voice, Race."
"It's just your imagination playing tricks with you. It's letting you hear what you want to hear."
"He keeps calling to me. I should have been able to save him."
"It wasn't your fault."
"Yes, it was."
"No, Jonny, it wasn't your fault. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I was the one who was suppose to protect him, not you."
"But I should have never gone that way, I should have stayed with you. If I would have we would have never been separated and they would have never been able to sneak up on us like that."
"The past is full of many 'what ifs' Jonny, but you can't change it. You don't know that the same thing would have happened if we stayed together. They were on our trail, they would have caught up to us sooner or later."
"It's not fair…" he whispered. "Why did he have to die?"
"Shhh, it'll be ok," Race said soothingly as he wrapped his arms around the boy. Jonny leaned against him as he started to sob. The older man held him reassuring him softly, "Shh, it'll be ok."
****
"I wasn't sure it would ever be ok though. No matter what Race said I still blamed myself. I don't know what got into me, maybe that old sense of adventure. Maybe it was the fact that I knew that college would begin that fall, which meant a break from the life we thought normal." Jonny twisted a blade a grass between his fingers, pondering his next words. "Race always used to say that I could jump into a lake and come out dry, but he never mentioned the consequences it would have on the ones you love." He tore the piece of grass to bits. "I'm so sorry you had to pay for my foolishness."
He sat in silence for several minutes trying to regain his thoughts. "Well, you know I was accepted to Yale, but I never went. I know you're probably not too happy about that, but I got a better offer. It was an offer I'm pretty sure you wouldn't approve of, but at the time I believed it to be best. I already knew a lot of the little secrets of the agency trade. I know you're probably rolling in your grave, but hear me out.
I had distanced myself from the others so much already I had begun to hurt the relationships we shared. I really did believe that my family had died the day you did. I couldn't see that blood isn't what makes a family. Anyways, no family to me meant no weakness; there would be no one to threaten, besides danger had always been my middle name." He ran a hand through his hair, muffling it up a bit. "There was so much going on in my head when I made the decision. Why don't I just try to tell the story a little better. You see it was the mid-July when I got the phone call…."
