Rating: R
Disclaimer: Square...you lucky bastards....
A/N: Okay, I've had this part written for a long time (since I posted chapter 7) but I've been putting off posting it because it doesn't feel quite right. I've read over it time and time again, but I can't find what exactly is bothering me about it. If you all feel the same, I'll rewrite it...maybe it's just me being paranoid.
Chapter 9: Confessions
Despite herself, Quistis felt awful. Seifer had said some questionable things to her, but they'd always been surface scratches. She'd dug in deep during their argument, and she knew she'd hit a few raw nerves. Guilt pulled at her, he'd been in a good mood, had been the very rare happy and playful Seifer, and she'd tarnished his light mood with her own hostility.
Restlessly, she rolled onto her back in the darkness. Seifer was laying next to her only a few feet away. He'd come back to their room shortly after Quistis hung up the phone, wishing Selphie and her team luck. Quiet and tense, he didn't say a word to her and still hadn't.
Quistis was beginning to see another side to the hard, arrogant man beside her. There was more to him than the snide remarks, the rough build, and superb gunblade skills. She could see him now as the Seifer that smacked in the morning as he started to wake up, was fundamentally bothered by finding an insect in the bathroom, and used women's shampoo and conditioner when it was handy. There were so many facets to his personality that she hadn't even imagined existed, and she'd hurt him.
Quistis never dreamed she - or anyone else for that matter - had the capability to deeply hurt Seifer Almasy. She'd come to see him as being somewhat inhuman, he didn't feel like she did, couldn't even understand what it was like to feel sad or hurt. The hairline cracks in his outer persona had come into focus, and Quistis discovered that Seifer was indeed very human.
"Seifer?" she rolled over to face him.
He didn't answer, but twitched slightly at the sound of her voice.
"Seifer...we need to talk," she persisted.
"Go to sleep," he grunted as a reply.
"I can't."
"Then at least let me," he snapped. The darkness closed in around Quistis, and somehow it made her feel stronger. She sat up, tossing off the covers, and pulled her knees up to her chest.
"Seifer...I'm really sorry," she announced. "Really...you just...you hit a nerve that I didn't even know I had and I kind of snapped..."
"It's fine, go to sleep."
"No...it's not fine," she shook her head, feeling very guilty.
He sat up beside her in the dark, letting out a long sigh.
"Quistis, give it a fucking break, okay?" he ground out. "I really don't give a damn that you feel guilty, and I don't want to hear your little lies just so you can sleep."
"Lies?" That caught her a little off guard. "What makes you think I'm going to lie to you?"
"Well...let's see..." she could make out his form as he shifted to face her. "You and I mutually hate one another...you can't stand me, I can't stand you...now, what could you possibly say to me that would make you feel better about the things you said earlier?"
"I wouldn't apologize if I thought I'd been completely justified in saying those things to you," she shook her head.
"Well, you were," he shrugged.
"No, I wasn't." She searched her mind for something to say, trying desperately to figure out what exactly she was aiming to accomplish. She only knew that she felt awful, and she wanted to make things better.
"You know, you really make me miserable sometimes," he suddenly announced. "You're so full of contradictions! You keep doing all these little things that make me..." he trailed off for a moment and then picked up again. "Then, you do something to wipe all of that away! Really, it's frustrating as hell. I don't know where I stand with you...one minute you tell me I'm trash, the next you want to apologize."
"I want to explain." She sat up on her haunches.
"Fine...explain away," he turned away from her. Quistis took a deep breath, not really sure what she was going to say or even sure why she wanted to say it to Seifer. He was at the top of her list of people not to confide in, and she had to wonder at her current level of sanity as she listened to the words that started to come out of her mouth.
"You know...I've always been the adult," she started. "I mean, even when I was little I was the responsible one. Then, when I was an instructor...I mean, I was the same age as all of my students, but I had to act so much older. I've never been allowed to be irresponsible, I don't even remember the last time I did something just for the hell of it."
"No kidding..." he muttered. Ignoring the comment, Quistis continued.
"And, you know, I don't think I've ever felt..." she hesitated, not sure she was ready to start covering that facet of her emotions.
"Sexy?" Seifer offered.
"Yeah...I've never felt that way," she nodded. "I mean, Squall rejected me how many times? I kept going after him, and he just kept ignoring me...pushing me away. Then, he turns around and opens up to Rinoa...and I just...I couldn't understand what he suddenly saw in her. So, I guess I've always kind of felt like I lack something as a woman...and, when you had me try on that lingerie...and I did..."
She stopped to swallow.
"It was nice...but...you laughed and I felt like I'd been tricked somehow," she sighed. "I took out my frustration on you, and I shouldn't have."
She was greeted with silence from Seifer.
"You really don't feel beautiful at all?" he finally asked skeptically.
"I don't know...not really," she shrugged.
"You honestly think that there's no man out there who will ever want you?" he continued.
"Well...I've always kind of dreamed that there would be someone," she replied.
"Like who? Squall?" he snorted. "You're wasting your time if you focus on Squall."
"No...not Squall," she said, knowing it wasn't completely truthful. She still held out hope that the handsome and enigmatic Squall would someday come around.
"Then who?" he asked. "Some sort of guy who'd come in, sweep you off your feet, and then everything would just magically fall into place?"
"Well...yeah," Quistis shrugged. Seifer started to laugh.
"Quistis...there's no such thing," he shook his head. "If your waiting for magic, you're wasting your time. Those fantasy perfect loves don't exist."
"Who do you suggest I wait for?" she asked. "One of my many admirers back at Garden? I want to feel loved, not just wanted."
"Sometimes you have to settle for wanted for a little while," he replied. "Love isn't something that just hits you between the eyes."
"What would you know about it?" she countered.
"Apparently about as much as you," he replied, the tension in his form finally easing.
"Fair enough," Quistis laughed. "I can't believe I told you all that."
"I can't believe you did either," he laughed. "I can really torment the shit out of you now!" He sat forward a little and Quistis frowned.
"Yeah...I really should have known better," she snorted, clenching her hands together in the dark. She'd been stupid to think that Seifer would understand her. He'd just use everything she'd said against her, and anger rose up within her at her own foolishness.
She picked up her pillow and thrashed it around a bit, preparing to lay back down and chastise herself a bit more before falling asleep.
"You know...you can be really stupid sometimes, Quistis," Seifer laughed, and reached toward her. She saw his form loom close to her, but was no less surprised when she felt his fingers on her jaw. Her mind raced, and her heart lurched up into her throat when he leaned in close to her, brushing his lips casually over her own. The contact lasted only a second, but was completely unnerving.
Seifer, however, acted more like he'd just reached over and patted her arm than kissed her.
"Go to sleep now," he yawned, tucking himself back under the covers and turning his back on her. "It's late." She sat for a moment in shock, her heart pounding in her chest. Had he really just done that? It was a kiss that more resembled one shared by siblings than anything else...a supportive, affectionate gesture.
Seifer? Affectionate? I must be dreaming...
Deeply bothered, Quistis climbed back under the covers. She didn't like thinking that he was more than just a rude, caustic man who she'd gladly trade in for a good dog. Surely he'd been trying to unnerve her. It was some strange form of torture...he was teasing her.
Reaching up to touch her lips with one hand, she frowned. She'd felt guilty for tearing into him, saying things that were relatively unjustified. She'd explained herself in an attempt to rid herself of the heavy hanging guilt that accompanied such a transgression.
Why did I tell him all that? Oh, Hyne...I've lost my mind...
***
Seifer pulled at his uniform, feeling very uncomfortable. He hadn't got a lot of sleep, and his body felt heavy. His training partner came at him, and Seifer deflected the blow easily. Learning to use the light, small swords the Galbadian military seemed to prefer had been a challenge. He was so used to the heavy Hyperion that the change in weapon was a struggle to become accustomed to. He'd picked up on the subtle differences fairly quickly though and was currently one of the army's most promising trainees.
"So," his partner lunged at him again, "how's the wife?"
"She's fine," Seifer replied, blocking him again.
"Hyne...if I had a woman like that waiting at home for me," he jumped back, avoiding one of Seifer's swings, "I wouldn't be here preparing to go off and get myself killed."
"What makes you think you're going to get killed?" Seifer asked.
"They wouldn't be pushing us through training so fast if they didn't have something planned," the other man shook his head.
"You think they might be going to war soon?" Seifer asked.
"Hell, I don't know."
Their swords let out a loud, metallic shriek as they clashed together. Both men had their helmets on, and neither could see the others' eyes. Seifer had taken to watching his opponents feet to predict the next move, and had become fairly good at it. The average Galbadian soldier wasn't much of a challenge in respect to skill. Most of them had less experience than Seifer had when he was thirteen. At twenty two, combat no longer required a lot of thought. Training against such an inferior opponent, however, did.
"Speak of the devil..." his partner suddenly stopped, dropping his weapon to his side.
"What?" Seifer asked, pausing as well.
"Your wife," he motioned with a gloved hand. "Damn...she looks good today. Shit, what I wouldn't give to be you...lucky bastard." Seifer turned to see Quistis picking her way toward him. The fighting going on didn't appear to faze her and she dodged a number of men who were locked in heated combat. A few of the men stopped to ogle her. They were largely without feminine company, and Quistis had become one of the most popular women on the base, though she didn't know it.
"Damn..." Seifer stabbed his sword into the ground and leaned on it a bit, groaning inwardly. He'd left that morning before Quistis got up, not wanting to face her until he got his own screwed up emotions in order. He didn't know what had gotten into the night before, why he'd so stubbornly insisted she put on the teddy or why he'd leaned over in the dark and kissed her. Actually, that wasn't entirely true...he knew why he'd wanted her to put on the lingerie. It was a form of self torture, knowing that beyond the bathroom door she was dressed in tight, black lace. The kiss, however, was a completely different thing.
Pulling off his helmet, he waved a hand to get her attention. Her eyes, which had been wandering around among the men, locked on him, and she walked toward him with stiff purpose.
"Seifer," she got up in front of him and seemed to loose some of her gusto, "I need to talk to you."
"I'm a little busy."
"I know...but it'll just take a second," she replied.
"Can it wait?" he asked.
"No...I really don't think it can," she shook her head.
"Hey, I'm free anytime you want to talk," Seifer's sparring partner suddenly spoke up, taking off his helmet as well. Quistis stopped and looked at him, her brilliant azure eyes looking him up and down.
"Who are you?" she asked.
"Your dream man," he replied, winking.
"Hey, watch it!" Seifer lifted his sword and gave the other man a good jab with it. "Mine, not yours!" He turned his attention back to Quistis then, who was blushing furiously. She was charming when she was embarrassed, and Seifer had the urge to smile down at her. Her confessions the night before had been just as charming, for once she was showing the side of herself that was soft...the side that he was starting to find so alluring.
Catching himself, he shook his head to rid himself of the unwanted kind thoughts toward his former instructor.
Don't go there...Hyne, don't get into that. She doesn't want you, you don't want her...she wants love, you just want a little fun.
"Fine...what is it?" he asked, taking her elbow in his free hand and leading her away from the other men. Already his mind was weaving rationalizations for the kiss he'd bestowed upon her. He had a sinking feeling that it was what she'd come to ask about, and he didn't want to be caught without an explanation.
"Have you heard anything about the invasion?" she whispered, leaning close to him. Seifer stopped dead in his tracks.
"You came all the way out here to ask me about that?" he asked. "Quistis...what the hell is wrong with you?"
"That is why we're here," she reminded him. "And nothing's wrong with me."
"Oh no, something is definitely wrong with you," he shook his head. For some reason, he was a little irritated that his little kiss, even if it had been one of the most casual he'd ever given a woman in his life, didn't seem to bother her.
"Seifer, we need to find out the truth, and soon!" she whispered. "We've got to start doing whatever it takes."
"What, do you want me to threaten it out of someone?" he demanded.
"Eventually, if it comes to that...yes," she shrugged.
"Is that it?" he raised an eyebrow. "Or did you have something else you wanted to tell me?"
"Well, you left before I got up this morning," she replied.
"Yeah, so?" He was prompting her to ask about the kiss, and he had no idea why. He didn't particularly like to be ignored, and that was a hell of a thing to ignore. As long as Seifer could remember, he'd craved attention. What form it came in didn't really matter to him, he only needed to be acknowledged. Quistis crossed her arms tightly across her chest and looked up at him.
"I'm not going to fall into your little trap if that's what your waiting for," she announced.
"My trap? What trap?"
"You know what I'm talking about," she hissed angrily.
"No, quite honestly, I don't," he crossed his own arms.
"Your little kiss...or whatever that was," she replied.
"That's my trap?" he asked.
"I'm not going to let you back me into a place where you can make fun of me," she announced, her expression becoming stony.
"Okay...I'm lost," he shook his head. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Oh yeah...like I don't know what's going on," she jabbed the air with a finger. "You say all this stuff about me being desirable, then you just happen to bend over and kiss me? And you think I won't figure it out?"
"Figure what out?" he demanded, completely lost and very frustrated. Quistis was definitely one of the more irritating women he'd ever met, she was so full of contradictions. One minute she'd do something that was incredibly sexy - like when she'd come full up against him when they were dancing - and the next she would do something incredibly annoying - like when she'd laughed at him for using her shampoo. What else did she expect him to use?
"I'm not as gullible as you seem to think I am," she narrowed her eyes to little slits.
"Gullible about what?" he asked, completely baffled.
"You know what!"
"Is there any way to win with you, Quistis?" he asked, gaping. "No matter what I do, it's just bitch-bitch-bitch. I have the nerve to tell you that your about to make a mistake, and I'm mean. I tell you that your sexy and I'm a liar. I kiss you, and I'm a bastard who's trying to trick you into Hyne knows what! I don't know what the hell's going on in that head of yours, but its really starting to piss me off."
Her eyes searched his for a moment.
"If you're not trying to trick me, then why'd you do it?" she asked, still as suspicious as ever.
"Shit...I don't know," he sighed. Why had he done it? He still didn't know for sure. There really was no more denying the fact that there were things he liked about Quistis, physically anyway. He liked the same things everyone else did...the rich, golden hair and voluptuous curves...he was only human. However, that didn't really explain his kiss. It hadn't been a thing of physical want, or she certainly wouldn't have doubts about his intentions. No, this kiss had been something else all together, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. She'd just been so vulnerable...and she'd apologized to him even though she didn't have to.
"Well..." she hesitated. "It's not like you...uh...is it?"
"No, it's not," he replied, knowing what she meant. The last thing he wanted was to fall into any kind of romantic shit. That was all a bunch of crap anyway, just a long, drawn out prelude to sex. Everyone knew it, but most people denied it.
"Oh...okay," she looked down at the ground. "I was thinking on going to talk to your senior officers."
"Why?" he was thankful for the change in subject. He didn't love her, didn't even feel mildly affectionate toward her, and didn't want to be backed into a corner just because part of him kind of liked the idea of her.
"I thought maybe they might be willing to divulge a little information," she shrugged.
"And how are you planning on getting them to do that?" he asked.
"Oh...you know," she smiled a little. "I'm a pregnant wife, I hear they can be pretty intimidating."
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
