Rating

Rating: R

A/N: Whew! Working hard to get all the stuff done that I need to get done! I'm going to try and finish this fic ASAP so that I don't have some unfinished thing hanging over me for school, so (if all goes as planned and I don't hit massive writer's block) you should be getting a lot of updates from me.

On another note: This chapter is for Chris - for keeping me sane...bandaging my injuries...you rock :)

Chapter 13: Solitude

Quistis paused to look up at the towering structures of Deling City. Beneath her thin, filmy yellow dress she could feel her muscles quiver. Seifer stood beside her, his presence both strong and silently unobtrusive. Neither of them spoke but looked out across the glittering lights and busy people. Residents rushed by them, practically oblivious to the fact that anyone else existed in the world.

Seifer's gloved fingers came up to brush across Quistis'. It was a strange gesture, one she wasn't accustomed to receiving from him. Nevertheless, she understood it. He meant to soothe her frazzled nerves, to reassure her that, despite everything, things would turn out alright.

The noise from the train station floated up to them, harassing their ears. Quistis was thankful for the dull roar that drove thought out of her mind. She was worried about Selphie, Paxx, and Krik, and her fears had haunted her the entire way back to Deling City. Seifer had been surprisingly supportive, his deep murmurs of hope echoed in her head - ones he'd whispered to her on the train ride and others from the car. She got the feeling that he hadn't expected her to get him out of jail, and his kind actions were ones of gratitude. It was beyond her why she seemed to want it to be more than that.

"Where are we meeting them?" Seifer asked, his voice low.

"In front of the hotel," she replied, reaching back with one hand to straiten the clip in her hair. Seifer's hot, aqua gaze trailed after her hand.

"It's better down, you know," he announced.

"What?"

"Your hair," he said. "You don't look so prim with it down."

"Well, I'm no longer Mrs. Almasy," she reminded him. "So it's going up. Instructor Trepe wears her hair up."

"Pity."

Quistis chose to ignore his last remark, not knowing how he meant it. It did, however, make her heart quicken a little. She couldn't put her finger on the moment when her feelings toward Seifer had begun to change, she only knew that they had.

Seifer followed her down the shallow steps, taking them two at a time. His stride was full of confidence, mirroring the cocky strut of his youth. It was that demeanor Rinoa had referred to, saying it made her feel as if she could accomplish anything. In that moment, Quistis took great relief from his confident air. If he could have hope for a successful outcome, she could as well.

He wore his characteristic dark pants, but had agreed to shed the trench coat for a black jacket. He looked little like the boy Quistis had once known. His jaw was strong and set. His honey blonde hair was dark, making his sun kissed skin take on a slight pallor. His body was slightly leaner, a little more corded. Seifer no longer fit the image Quistis had created so long ago of him. He'd grown, matured, and years of pain had made him both hard and brittle. She found that she wanted to make him pliable again, to ease the tension that was always evident in his shoulders. She wanted to bring back the light of mischief to his aqua eyes, to see him smirk as he casually prodded her with sly remarks.

Silently, they walked down the busy sidewalk toward the hotel. Quistis could make out the brightly lit sign that hung over the establishment in the distance.

"I hope we won't have to wait around for them," Seifer grumbled.

"I'll just be happy if they're alright," Quistis replied. Seifer gazed over at her from the corner of his eye. She wasn't sure exactly what was going on in his head - she never seemed to be able to predict correctly what he was thinking - but her own stomach was falling ever further toward her feet.

"Selphie's impulsive," he finally replied, "but she's not stupid. Add Paxx and Krik to the equation, and you've got a team that can handle just about anything."

"You think so?" she muttered, mostly to herself, then thought better of it. She was the leader, and the teams had been of her making. Not even her softening feelings for Seifer could over take the need she felt to regain her position as an instructor. She thirsted after it like a drop of rain to parched soil. Without winning back the place she had lost long ago, she was nothing - and she desperately wanted to be something.

"You don't have to tell them," he announced, burying his hands in his pockets.

"I don't have to tell them what?" Quistis asked.

"About me," he replied.

"You?"

"About me kissing you." He looked off away from her. "We can forget it happened. I won't say anything...you can go back, get your job as an instructor, make some devoted Trepie a happy husband or something."

"I'm not planning on getting married."

"Ever?" He looked at her this time. "You lie, too. You've always wanted someone to be there at your call."

"We can forget it ever happened if that's what you want," Quistis replied, a little irritated. He didn't reply, and Quistis was happy to let the subject drop. She had other things to think about, plans to make. Seifer clouded her mind and made it hard for her to think. If there was one thing that the situation she found herself in required, it was clarity of mind. She needed to forget it had happened.

The hotel was nearing closer, but the busy street blocked all view of its entrance. Her heart thundered in her chest and, as they went to cross the street, Seifer unexpectedly took a hold of her hand. He rushed her across, dodging in front of one of Deling City's many buses as it stopped.

The surge of people from the bus parted slightly, and Quistis spotted Selphie's distinctive silhouette in front of the hotel doors. Next to her was the shape of a man, one who was looking away down the street instead of at his female companion.

"Seifer..." Quistis hung back. "Oh, Hyne...Seifer, Krik isn't with them!"

***

Quistis sat in the Galbadia Hotel bar, nursing a little glass of strong, pale yellow liquid. A woman in a ridiculously lavish dress sat at the piano, plunking out a shallow melody on the shiny, white keys. Quistis realized distantly that she recognized the song, but she wasn't there to listen to the music. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts, and sought out solitude in the only place she knew she could find it.

Selphie was upstairs in their room. She'd taken everything that had happened very hard. In reality, it was more Quistis' fault than hers.

The drink stared back up at her, enticing her with the fact that she could so easily loose herself in it. She needed something to ease her mind, to bring the world just a little bit out of focus. Gingerly, she took a sip and set the glass back down again. She felt sick, her stomach was turning inside of her like the innards of a washing machine.

Krik was gone.

She pinched her eyes shut with the wave of pain that accompanied that thought.

Their escape attempt hadn't been as lucky as Quistis and Seifer's. Krik had been their one casualty, taken down by a fleet of Galbadian Soldiers as they ran for safety. The soldiers were easy enough to defeat one on one, but when they swarmed they were too much to handle, leaving them with no choice other than to run. Krik, however, had suffered an injury at the hand of his sparring partner. His foot broken, and in immense pain, he fell behind and was captured.

It was hard to say whether he was still alive. Most likely, the Galbadian Army wouldn't take chances on anyone coming back to rescue him and would do away with him. If he wasn't already dead, he was certainly in high security detention. Krik was a spy, and Quistis could think of no country that didn't react harshly to spies in their midst.

Quistis took another quick sip of her drink, frowning as it made its way down her throat and tingled in her stomach.

"Didn't imagine you to be much of a drinker." Seifer sat down across from her, his head low and the dim lights playing in his dark hair.

"I want to be alone."

"I know."

Quistis sighed, struggling to keep the tears that so wanted to fall from cascading down her cheeks. A confusing tangle of emotion was stuck firmly in her chest. She was angry at herself, incredibly depressed, and frightened that everything was crashing in upon itself.

Seifer's hand came across the table and took the drink from hers. He tipped the glass up to his own lips and took a healthy swig.

"You pick a strong drink," he nodded, setting the half-full glass back on the table.

"Seifer...I really don't need to hear it," she replied, resting her head in her hands. "Just go away."

"Hear what?" he asked, leaning back in his chair. "That you fucked it up? That you should have thought of this happening and planned for it?"

"Yeah, that." She narrowed her eyes and looked up at him, aware of the way her hair fell about her face in wild disarray. "Do you honestly get joy from the pain of others? Have you been taunting me all along - playing some sort of game with me?"

"I've never played games with you," he replied. Pushing the glass toward her a little. She frowned deeply and took a drink.

"Then why are you here?" she asked. "I asked you to leave me alone."

"You can't just sit here and get drunk," he said as way of an answer. "On top of that, with as much as you hate to hear it, you don't really want to be alone right now."

"Yes, I do."

Seifer ignored her comment, sitting back and looking over at the piano girl instead of issuing a reply. He had showered and changed since their arrival in Deling City. He now wore the trench coat, and his gloves hung slightly out of his pocket. His eyes, made darker by the low light, traveled up and down the piano player, and Quistis felt a sharp jab of jealousy.

"I'm sure she'd give you some if you asked," she snarled, bringing his attention back to her.

Okay...maybe he's right...maybe I don't want to be left alone.

He smiled a little, the corners of his mouth turning up seductively - or, it could have been Quistis' hazy mind turning the smile into a sexy grin.

"I'm not here to ogle the piano lady," he finally replied. Quistis stared down at her drink, running one finger along the edge of the glass.

"It's my fault you know," she announced. "Krik would be okay if I'd been a better leader. I should have thought that something would happen...I should have done something."

"Like what?" he asked. "If you could go back and do it all over again, what would be different?"

"I don't know," she admitted after some thought. "But I know I missed something somewhere."

"It's done and there's nothing you can do to change it," he announced, his voice firm. "No matter how much you wish that you could change things, you can't. So, you might as well just come up with a way of dealing with how everything pans out. You can't change the past, only put it behind you."

"Funny coming from you," she retorted.

"If you're just going to sit here and piss the night away, I'm not going to sit and watch you," he narrowed his eyes. "I don't need to hear you whine over some hard liquor about how the entire world seems to be against you."

"Then don't."

"I won't."

"Good, leave!" Quistis glared across the table at him, her mood foul. Seifer, however, wasn't going to give in.

"Look, I understand that you're upset...fuck, I don't even know why I'm trying to help," he growled, jabbing a finger at her. "But all this shit you spout about being a good leader better become something you believe real quick, or you're going to find yourself on the end of Cid's short list of disappointing failures, right along with me. A leader wouldn't be at the fucking bar bawling into a drink. A leader is the glue that holds a team together, if you're weak, everyone else is weak."

"Seifer -" she started, but he interrupted her.

"No, damn it, listen to me!" His eyes flashed with a shallow anger and he grabbed the glass away from her. "I've nothing against you taking a drink or two to ease the pain, but hell, Quistis! Peel yourself off the ground. Be the strong, capable woman that you like to think you are."

Quistis stared at him for a moment, letting what he said sink into her mind.

"I'm beginning to wonder if this is what I really want," she admitted, pinching her lips together to hold back a sudden onslaught of emotion. "I've messed everything up."

He didn't reply, but took her drink from her and finished it off. Quistis felt all of her energy to fight leave her, and leaned her head in her hands. She wanted Seifer to help her, to make her forget how horrible everything was turning out. At the same time, she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. She wanted the solitude to sort through things without the filters of fear and anger. She wanted peace of mind, clarity. Miserably, she reached across the table.

Seifer seemed surprised when she touched his hand, her eyes brimmed with tears.

"Things could still turn out okay, you know," he announced, leaning forward. "The governments of Dollet and Timber could get Krik out of jail, we could save them...Garden will treat you as a hero and make you an instructor again."

"That's not going to happen," she shook her head.

"It might," he shrugged. "Anything's possible." She sighed and looked up at him, desperately in need of some sort of comfort, and not knowing anywhere else to look. He stood, taking her hand in his and pulling her onto her feet. With her hand tucked tightly within his, she felt a little better.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Just for a walk," he replied. "You want solitude, I can give it to you." His wide back was all Quistis could see as they left the hotel and emerged out into the cool night air.

Quistis hadn't realized how used she'd become to spending time with him. At the base, he'd filled her every waking moment. Even when he wasn't around, all of his things were - there was his scent, his everlasting presence. She hadn't realized how strange it would be to roll over and see Selphie instead of him. They'd only gotten one room this time, being a little low on money. Seifer and Paxx shared one bed while Selphie and Quistis shared the other.

As he started toward the edge of the city, Quistis drug her heels.

"We can't leave the city, I'm not armed," she protested.

"We'll be fine...I've got Hyperion," he shrugged and drug her along with him. She had to admit, the idea of Seifer protecting her from monsters was unusually intriguing. On top of that, it was nice to get away from the busy city. Deling City had to be one of the most restless places in the world, there was never a moment when half the population didn't need to go somewhere or do something.

"I'd still feel better if I had some way of defending myself," she replied. Seifer sent her a crooked grin.

"Don't worry about it," he squeezed her hand, "I won't let anything hurt you." His free hand came to rest against the jutting form of his gunblade.

Quistis smiled a little and allowed him to take over. She was tired of struggling for control, and it felt remarkably good just to give in. Seifer, finding her passive for once, seemed to have no qualms about suddenly being in control of the situation. His fingers tightened around her hand, almost to the point of being painful.

They walked out of the city and out into the country side. The green grass under Quistis' feet was slightly damp from either a rain storm or condensing ocean air. It was slightly slick, and she was thankful for his firm grip in case she fell. Her mind was a little hazy from the drink. She had a low tolerance for alcohol, and she knew that if she'd gone through the entire glass she would have been roaring drunk. Seifer, however, seemed completely lucid despite the hard drink he'd finished off.

She supposed it was part of being a man, being able to hold liquor. It was a retro view of the world, but Quistis had always considered herself somewhat traditional.

"Really, where are we going?" she asked.

"A little place that's good for thinking," he replied cryptically. She looked up at the sky, finding her marker stars to figure out what cardinal direction they were heading. She did enough traveling that cities began to look the same after a while. The county side and buildings would change, but the sky wouldn't. She had to search for a while before she found the one to the south, and figured that they were heading north, toward the ocean.

"The beach?" she thought aloud.

"Well, sort of," he shrugged. "It's near the beach. Unless you really want to go to the beach..."

"I don't care." Some of the tension eased out of Seifer's form, only to return moments later when they encountered a thrustaveis. Quistis stepped out of the way and he fought it off with swift efficiency, leaving the crumpled form of the flying monster laying on the ground. It was strange for Quistis to hang back during the fight, but at the same time it was wonderful to watch Seifer in action. He was, by far, one of the best fighters that she had ever seen. His gunblade was like an extension of himself, and he struck with a deadly accuracy. Her blood was warmed considerably by being held under his able wings.

"Seifer?" Her voice sounded oddly hollow as they walked along through the night.

"Yeah?" He wasn't looking at her, but watching their surroundings with squinted eyes.

"I'm going to be held responsible no matter what, right?" Quistis frowned and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "I mean...I'm the leader, so I'm responsible for everyone. Whether or not it really was my fault is meaningless."

"Not necessarily," Seifer shrugged. "Cid's got a soft spot for you."

"Yeah, a soft spot...which is why he demoted me," she replied, rolling her eyes.

"Quistis, if the rest of the mission is successful, they won't come down on you because of Krik," he shook his head. "You can't keep wallowing in self-pity. You've got everything going for you, learn to appreciate it."

She fell silent with that and listlessly let Seifer lead her further toward their destination. When they came to the top of a bluff, she could feel the ocean breeze rise up to bring a slight chill to her bare legs. She still wore the yellow dress she'd put on before arriving in Deling City. It wasn't the sort of thing she usually wore. Instead of high boots, she wore strappy sandals that were tinged with golden hues. The dress itself was a pale, daffodil yellow and was delightfully airy. She'd bought it envisioning that she would someday wear it as she stood in a field of flowers waiting to meet her lover. Instead, she found herself wearing it in the watery moonlight.

"This is it?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah," he shrugged, looking away from her again.

"You come here often?"

"No," he hesitated. "Well...sometimes, not often. Has good scenery."

"I wasn't aware that you were really into scenery," Quistis laughed, feeling a sudden rush as blood raced to her head.

"I'm not quite what people think," he said, then let go of her hand. "Anyway, I'll just leave you alone for a while now. I'll be down on the beach, come and get me when you want to go back." With only a slight pause, he turned his back on her and started back down the hill.

Quistis watched him go, feeling her stomach drop and her heart slow. Her day was not going as planned. Krik had been captured, was probably scheduled to be killed. On top of that, she'd gotten what she wanted - solitude - only to find that she didn't really want it anymore. Fighting the urge to call Seifer back, she watched his form dissolve into the dank night and turned her face to the sky, hoping to find some twinkle of guidance in its studded depths.