Rating: R
"...When I write, I'm not, you know, in my own self. I write from the perspective of my characters, and so I don't think that way. I'm not a self-conscious writer. It's very hard to be self-conscious and write novels..." -Ben Mezrich
Chapter 15: Rising
He'd lied, but none of that seemed to matter anymore. Quistis hadn't asked him why he'd gone into the pub, why he'd thrown such a fit over a pick pocket...why he'd been ready to throw her down on the floor and never let her back up. She was still in shock, sitting across from him on the vessel sent from Garden to retrieve them. They were on route to Balamb to join the front, to help the city dig out from under the destruction of the missile attacks.
He pinched his eyes shut, envisioning her sitting on the side of the fountain. The sun had been setting, making her glow with a rich, golden halo. She'd looked like an angel, and he wouldn't have been surprised if moments later rich, downy wings sprouted from her elegant back. It wasn't right that one person could contain such beauty. The person who said no one was perfect obviously hadn't set eyes on Quistis Trepe, or he would have sung a different tune.
All of that in the mind of Seifer Almasy - he knew he was going crazy.
Across from him, her delicate legs were crossed and her hands were folded in her lap. Her teeth worked unconsciously at her bottom lip, making him want to move beside her and take over the task.
Shaking his head to rid himself of wayward thoughts, he tried to focus on what would have to be done once their vessel landed. The Galbadians were being held off for the moment by troops from Garden. They had apparently been shipping soldiers in for weeks via some unknown route. Their plan, as far as Seifer could discern, was to sack Balamb and then use it as an offensive base for attacks on mainland Galbadia. Naturally, they hadn't anticipated the mobile Balamb Garden to be docked in the not so distant Fisherman's Horizon. SeeD was able to arrive within the crucial window of time between the airborne missile strikes and the arrival of troops. Balamb was yet a free city.
Quistis was more shaken than Seifer ever remembered seeing her, and it sobered his otherwise insatiable need to taunt her over the miserable defeat. It went against his very nature, but he felt sorry for her. He wanted to comfort her somehow, to take the pained look from her eyes.
"Have you heard when Selphie and Paxx will be arriving?" she asked, breaking the silence.
"I'm assuming they will be a day behind us," he replied. "The trains aren't running out of Timber to Balamb, so they'll have to go to Dollet."
"Oh," she looked down at her hands. "And Krik? Have you heard anything about him?"
"They'd tell you before me," he answered bluntly. He leaned back, resting one of his gloved hands on the hilt of his gunblade, and openly observed her. She was deeply bothered, perhaps even frightened, by the sudden turn of events. He didn't understand why she cared so much about being an instructor and still had to admit that he didn't believe she was particularly suited for the job. Quistis, while being a very intelligent and able woman, wasn't a leader. She was too nice to give an order that would harm someone, and she dealt with failure poorly.
"Maybe you're right," she sighed, as if she'd somehow known his thoughts. "I'm not really cut out to be an instructor."
"Just because you're not good at one certain job doesn't mean anything," he shrugged, feeling a small pang of sympathy for her.
"Yeah, that coming from a man who was born to be a mercenary," she replied sharply, rolling her eyes. "You know, sometimes I wonder if you have any idea what it's like to want the one thing it seems you can't have."
"Trust me, I do," he snorted, thinking back to the kiss that had almost become so much more.
"Yeah, like what?" she demanded. "You've gone through life just taking whatever you wanted, and there was never anyone to stop you. You can't say SeeD either, because I know you were perfectly capable of passing any of those tests."
Seifer chose to remain quiet for his own safety. Had he even begun to respond to her question, everything would come rushing out in an unstoppable tidal wave. He would tell her of all the times he'd fantasized about her on the Galbadian base. He'd tell her of watching her at the fountain, of following her into the pub and becoming unreasonably jealous when another man looked at her. It wasn't an area he was yet comfortable exploring in the comforts of his own mind, let alone sharing it with her.
"Did you know?" she finally asked, lifting her chin a notch.
"Did I know what?"
"That they were planning on attacking Balamb."
"Fuck no! Hyne...you think I'm that big of a bastard that I'd let an entire city be bombed just so I could point at you and laugh?" He felt all of the air rush out of his body. Was that how she really saw him? Would the image of him as the enemy resurface over and over again until he could no longer escape it?
"No," she admitted. "There just has to be something that I missed."
"Well, whatever it was, I missed it too," he replied, refusing to meet her curious gaze. There was silence for a few long moments, and all he could hear was the increasing pace of his heart. He didn't know what he was doing or trying to accomplish, but as his black hair fell in front of his eyes, he knew he wanted things to change. He wanted her, and he wanted her to feel the same.
Hyne...I'm as bad as she is!
"Seifer..." She leaned forward a little, tucking her hands between her knees. "Before the missiles went over..."
"A mistake, I know," he interrupted her. It was easier for him to say it than hear her rejection.
"A mistake," she repeated, leaning back again. The look that crossed her face was troubled, but only little more so than moments before.
Oh Hyne, what am I doing? Why can't I just tell her that I want her? Why is it so different with her...with Quistis...
"Once we're back in Balamb," she cleared her throat, "we're going to have to put our mistakes aside."
"Yeah," Seifer agreed, hating himself through each word she spoke. He wanted nothing more than to get all of his confusing new thoughts out of his mind, and at the same time they were a sort of welcome change. He was very confused, but he knew that he had to do something, or he would miss his chance all together. He'd tried once before, in the hotel room. Presently, he wasn't sure he had the guts to do so again.
Grunting, he pushed himself up into a standing position and made his way over to sit beside Quistis. His heart was racing, and he was severely in doubt of his abilities, but he felt a new sense of determination.
"Seeing as we're putting them aside," he announced, as seductively as he could muster, "it wouldn't make much difference if we made a few more." She tilted her head with curiosity, then cracked a low smile.
"You've changed," she whispered, her face suddenly close to his.
"So have you," he replied.
In truth, they'd both become different people to one another. Quistis no longer saw Seifer as the rude, arrogant bully who stalked the halls of Balamb Garden with only the intention to cause bodily damage to those who displeased him. Seifer no longer saw Quistis as the stuffy, stiff backed school teacher who had betrayed him in his greatest time of need. He was still broken, and she still floundering for a footing in the world, but they were finding themselves on intersecting paths.
"Quistis..." he leaned his head down to brush his lips across hers.
"Hmm?" she sighed, momentarily letting go of all the tension and fear that surrounded their current destination.
"I want you."
"I know."
He kissed her, uncertainly at first to see if she would accept him. When her hands came up and buried themselves in his hair, he knew she was signaling her acquiescence. The scrape of her fingers over his scalp sent shivers through his entire body and his breathing was shaky when he pulled away for a gulp of air. She kissed along his chin and up his jaw line, hugging him close to her. Her hands were under his trench coat, and he leaned into her touch. His own hands were framing her face. One moved to the back of her head and the other traveled down arm and slid around behind her to come to rest in the small of her back.
Quistis had curves in every place that mattered, but even such a small thing as the tiny depression at the crux of her back was a blessed place. He twirled his fingers in it before clenching her tightly to him.
Her mouth took a detour, and she chewed at the soft cartilage of his ear. Seifer groaned into the curve of her neck where he began his own trail of kisses. He moved her hair aside to get to the even more sensitive areas of her neck and sucked gently when he found them.
"Oh, Hyne," she sighed, pressing herself closer to him. He could tell that she wasn't thinking clearly anymore. She had her eyes closed and her head was leaning severely in one direction to give him better access to even the furthest recesses of her neck. It was such a simple thing, and yet it brought her completely within his will. The power he had over her was more than he'd ever dreamed.
When he lifted his head, she caught his mouth with hers, biting onto his bottom lip to keep him from evading her. At the same time, her hands tightened into fists, clenching the material of his vest and scraping across the tender skin of his back underneath. That action showed to him that the power between them was give and take. She could turn him to putty the same as he could her. That had never happened to him before, Seifer had always felt in control with other people. However, with Quistis he was blissfully at her mercy. It was a new and exciting concept.
She scooted onto his lap, wrapping a leg unceremoniously around his waist. He brought both arms around her and, kissing her lips once again, started to ease her onto her back.
"Ow!" Her eyes flashed open and her back arched. "Hyne! What the hell?" Seifer lifted some of his weight off of her and she reached under her back to pull out the hairclip that he had dropped there only moments earlier. He was still hot for her, practically panting with his desire, but the moment was broken. In a strange way, he wouldn't have wanted it to happen then anyway. Quistis was vulnerable, hurt. He wanted her in possession of all her faculties when she decided to come to him.
"Sorry," he apologized, taking the clip from her hand.
"It's alright," she shook her head, seemingly aware for the first time that her hair was down and her skirt was riding high on her thighs. Blushing a charming shade of red, she pulled her skirt back down into a more seemly position and twisted her hair back into submission.
"Mistake?" Seifer asked.
Quistis looked up at him but didn't reply. It was a start.
***
Quistis woke with a start, sitting bolt upright. Her hair, damp with sweat, hung in large chunks in front of her eyes. Her dream ducked into the back corners of her mind, leaving traces of hot fear and confusion in it's shadowy wake. Only the sound of her labored breathing filled the room, a sound that was silent and a roar all at once.
For a few long moments, she wasn't sure where she was. Her surroundings only became familiar as the past few hours flooded back into her memory. She and Seifer had arrived to find a foggy haze over the remnants of Balamb. The train station was all but destroyed and the harbor was filled with chunks of debris. Thankfully, Balamb was a small town and most of the population had been evacuated before the missiles actually hit. The alert from Dollet had apparently been a life saving one.
Balamb Garden responded to the attack. A few SeeDs were still present, helping in the recovery effort. Garden, however, had departed to pursue the Galbadian soldiers who had been in the area, ready to further the attack. Forces from Garden had pushed back their front and were now behind the military arms of Dollet and Timber.
Quistis pushed her hair out of her eyes and tried to calm down. The tent she was sleeping in was small, and she thankfully wasn't sharing it with anyone. At that particular moment, she had to admit that she wouldn't have minded Seifer's strong presence. Her dream had deeply disturbed her.
Through all the failures of her mission, people were still expecting her to rise up and take hold of the situation. They expected her to take the ashes of her life - her dreams - and forge something new. Resurrection was something much more simple to those who never faced the task of piecing everything back together again.
Bringing her knees up to her chest, she stifled a high whine. She didn't think she could do it, didn't think she had the strength to pull herself out of the hole she'd fallen into. Her dream - nightmare - was only evidence of the fragile state of her emotions. She'd dreamt that she'd arrived in Balamb during a massive attack by the Galbadians. Caught unaware by the sudden onslaught, she was without her weapon. She fought at them, but they kept coming. By the hundreds, they flooded into the city leaving paths of death and destruction behind them. Quistis remembered the sound of her body hitting the ground when one of them knocked her down.
Shivering, she crawled out from under her blankets and peeked out into the dark night. The moonlight was almost completely blotted out by clouds, and all lights from the city had been extinguished. The grass under her bare feet was wet, but there was only one place she wanted to be, and cold feet was the least of things that could stop her.
It wasn't hard to find the right tent, it was only a few feet away from hers. Quietly, she unzipped the front and climbed inside, zipping it back up behind her.
"What the-" She saw Seifer's thick form rise up in the dark.
"Seifer...shh, it's me," she whispered, touching a hand to his shoulder as she lowered herself beside him.
"Quistis?" he relaxed a little. "What're you doing here?"
As she opened her mouth to answer the question, she was swamped with embarrassment. She felt like a little kid running into mommy and daddy's room after a bad dream. She was far from a day when such a thing was acceptable, yet she found herself sitting in Seifer's tent in the middle of the night, waiting for him to push the fear out of her mind. She wasn't naive enough to not realize the implications of that.
"I..." she hesitated, then let out a long breath. "I had a nightmare."
There were several moments of long, heavy silence before he replied.
"About what?"
Quistis had never felt so relieved in her life as she did when he lifted up the covers to let her under. For this night at least, she was welcome and would be taken care of. Whether Seifer's feelings were genuine or would be present in the future didn't matter. There here and the now - something Quistis rarely gave much though to during most of her life - was all that held any weight. She was always living for the future, for what would be. She'd ignored all forms of social life in order to become a SeeD, and then again in order to become an instructor. Still, the future was a driving force in her life. After all, the only reason she found herself in her present state was due to her craving to craft the perfect future.
Ignoring what it would mean tomorrow, she burrowed into the makeshift bed, feeling Seifer's strong, warm arms come around her. It wasn't a feeling she was accustomed to - feeling safe, protected - but it was a blissfully welcome one.
"Well?" he prompted.
"The Galbadians sacked Balamb and I couldn't stop them," she muttered, burying her face in his shoulder. "They were killing everyone, nearly killed me before I woke up."
"Not good," he yawned.
"Seifer," she gripped the material of his shirt tight enough to pain her knuckles, "so much has changed. You, me, the world...I don't think I can handle it."
"Really?" his grip tightened on her until it was almost painful. His scent surrounded her, permeated her skin down to the bone, and she was sure in the morning people would be able to tell who's arms she'd been in the night before. Maybe it was pheromones, or maybe it was just her own mind just making things up, but she could recognize the characteristic scent of Seifer anywhere.
"Are you listening?" she asked skeptically, noting the evening of his breathing and the languid weight of his limbs.
"Mmm," was his only reply. He was half asleep, probably not even hearing half of what she was saying. It was better, Quistis supposed, than having him alert and demanding answers she didn't have. Why had she come to him after the dream? Why did she feel better when he was beside her? Why did she already feel as if she was strong enough to deal with any eventuality to come?
Cuddling up to his side, she contemplated all the questions floating through her mind. There was only one answer that fit, but it was completely ludicrous. How could anyone possibly love Seifer? Especially someone like her who had been on the opposite side of the fence from him so many times. Of course, they had a lot to link them together - not the least of which being a shared childhood. She'd known Seifer all of her life, yet she'd never really known him at all.
Tomorrow was a new day, a day from which she would have to build the rest of her life. Nothing would ever be the same, but she was starting to wonder if that was such a bad thing after all. Rising up out of the ashes of her former self, she'd find the strength to move on. Rising - higher and higher - past regret, pain...memory.
Pressing her lips to the warm skin of his neck, she drifted off into an all together more blissful rest.
