Not from author.  This was a fun collaboration with my dear friend.  She is a talented and very funny author in her own right.  You should read "Me Myself & B'Elanna" first for this story to make sense.  You will find it here on fanfic and on my web site.  Enjoy the story.

"Me, B'Elanna & Not Myself"

This is a sequel to "Me Myself & B'Elanna"

By Tammy Young & Maja Slange

Ó2002   PG13

Disclaimer--- Paramount owns all Star Trek, we can all be Thankful that they don't own Fanfiction and the very talented writers therein.

Authors note--- This story starts at the point where the Doctor put both conscious minds back into their own bodies… or does he?  This was all Maja's idea, so blame her if you don't like it.  (Just kidding)  She is a dear friend and has a wonderful sense of humor to go along with her many talents.  If you haven't read "Me Myself & B'Elanna" this will make no sense, so hop over and read it first.

Warning!   High laugh alert.

Two and a half hours later, the Doctor had accomplished the impossible.  His two patients were now two again.  Both the Captain and B'Elanna's vital signs were normal and they were breathing on their own.  Now to make sure their conscious minds were where they should be.  The Doctor put the hypospray to the Captain's neck first.  He thought it safer to have the Captain fully awake, just in case he needed protection from B'Elanna if everything hadn't gone just as planned.  There was really no way to know for sure until she was awake.  Janeway started to stir.  Her eyes fluttered a few times before she opened them all the way and tried to focus on his face.

"Doctor, did it work, is the Captain alright?"  The Doctor's eyes opened so wide they would have popped out of his head, if he had been made of more than photons and forcefields.  "Doctor, what the hell's the matter with you?  Janeway's not dead!  Oh God's, please tell me she's not dead?"  The Doctor couldn't speak a word.  He just stood with his mouth open, as his wide eyes moved in the direction of the other biobed.  B'Elanna's gaze followed his and when she focused on herself, lying on that biobed, Janeway's eyes rolled to the back of her head, as she slumped back on her own biobed.  She had passed out from shock and the poor Doctor wasn't far behind.  He would be a dead hologram soon anyway, so what did it matter.  He sank down into the chair in-between the two beds.

"What have I done?  How could this have happened?"  He was so lost in his own reverie that he almost missed the slight moaning coming from the other biobed.  B'Elanna, or rather the Captain was waking up...

Janeway could feel herself slowly rising toward consciousness.  She searched her mind to see if B'Elanna was still there, but everything was quiet, so she decided the process must have been a success.  The headache, however, was a completely different matter.  It was as bad as ever.

The Doctor stood up and turned towards the Captain.  He was terrified at the thought of what she might do to his program when she woke up and found out what had happened.  She was usually quite forgiving, but he feared the last two days might have stretched her patience to the limit.  He wished he could keep the truth from her a little longer, but the only way to do that would be to keep her sedated until he had figured out what went wrong and how to undo it, which might take days.  THAT of course wasn't an option, and he therefore decided to wake her now and get it over with as soon as possible.  He wanted as much control as possible and decided to erect a privacy screen between the two biobeds.

Janeway looked around her, slowly trying to focus, and the first thing she saw was the Doctor's worried look.  She felt a moment of apprehension though she felt fine, as she feared that something might have happened to B'Elanna?  She couldn't hear or feel her anymore, which was certainly a relief, but she didn't want to lose her chief engineer.

"Captain, how do you feel?"  The Doctor's quivering voice broke the silence.

"Apart from a headache, fine.  How's B'Elanna?  I can't hear her anymore, so I assume the procedure was a success", Janeway was still trying to focus her mind.

"Yes, more or less," said the Doctor.

"What do you mean 'more or less'", Janeway asked suspiciously with a touch of dread in her voice.

"Let me first take care of that headache."  The Doctor's courage was quickly fading.  He would have done just about anything to escape sickbay and the glare the Captain was shooting his way.  It had an even more ominous effect coming from B'Elanna's facial expression.  He was a dead man!

"DOCTOR, I asked you a question and I expect you to answer me.  NOW!!!"  Janeway, in B'Elanna's voice yelled, "Do I need to make it an order?"  She closed her eyes in frustration.  Something wasn't right here.  She was saying the words, but it didn't sound like her.  The most horrible of thoughts suddenly occurred to her.  She kept her eyes closed not daring to look to see if the impossible had become possible.  The stomach she was in control of started to churn and she prayed that it was her own.

"No, Captain, but this really isn't the time to go into detail."  The Doctor backed up a few steps.

Janeway took a deep breath.  Just relax Kathryn, this is not happening.  She slowly opened her eyes to face reality.  "Doctor, would there be a good time for the details?"

"None that I can think of Captain."  B'Elanna's face, or rather Janeway's took on a distinct shade of puke green.  The Doctor backed up another step.

"I think I'm going to be sick."  She had no sooner gotten the words out, than the Doctor found out just what she meant.  He wasn't quite sure what her reaction was going to be when she figured out the truth, but this was unlike anything he had conceived of.  With the contents of B'Elanna's stomach running down his legs the Doctor faced his Captain with a disgusted smirk on his face.  Janeway was laughing hard and for some reason just couldn't stop.  If the whole situation hadn't been so damn unbelievable, she may have just killed the Doctor instead of throwing-up on him.

"That was not funny Captain."  The Doctor was not enjoying this at all.

"Don't blame me Doctor.  It's not my stomach.  As I see it, this is the least you deserve.  How the hell did you let this happen?"  The Doctor was about to answer when she held up her hand to stop him.  "Wait!  Don't tell me.  Just fix it.  NOW!"

"I can't... "  Just then, they both heard a moaning sound coming from behind the curtain.  B'Elanna was awake and the Doctor had nowhere to run.  The curtain flew back and the two women faced each other, or themselves for the first time.  "Computer, deactivate EMH."  The Doctor fizzled away leaving Captain and Chief Engineer on their own.

"Coward."  They said at the same time.

They looked at each other for a long moment trying to make some sense of it.  They were both frustrated, but the situation was just too weird for anger.  Life in the Delta Quadrant certainly wasn't dull, but this was a bit more than usual.  They struggled hard not to laugh, but it was just no use.  Janeway broke down first remembering the Doctor's expression, and B'Elanna immediately followed.

Gasping for breath, she tried to describe it to B'Elanna, which only made them laugh even harder.  However, it died down soon enough, and they found themselves faced by the difficult decision of what to do now.  Should they tell the crew or would it be better to keep the information to themselves until they knew more.  There was no need to tell and risk the uncertainty that would most likely follow.

In frustration, B'Elanna violently smashed her hand into the nearest surface.

"Hey!!!  Be careful.  That's my hand you are hurting!"  Janeway reminded her "I'd like my body back intact, so you better watch that temper of yours, Lieutenant."

"Oh, year, right!  As if I really care!  No disrespect, but don't you think we've got bigger problems right now!  He didn't even know, if he could revert the process," B'Elanna stated with anger in her voice.  "However, come to think of it this situation might just have potential…"

"Potential!!  What on Earth are you talking about?"  Janeway said seeing nothing but trouble.  "Good grief, I can't believe what's happened these past few days.  I need coffee, lots of it, and I need it now!  Let's continue in the mess hall."

"Coffee!  But you can't!  Remember what happened last time?"  B'Elanna tried.

"Doesn't matter – now come on!"  Janeway threw over her shoulder.  She was already on her way out of sickbay at a fast pace, "besides this time it will be your body – NOT mine!  So I don't have to worry about the consequences."  With that she turned the corner hoping B'Elanna would follow.

She did.  "Potential" she thought.  This situation certainly had potential.  Harry had deserved a promotion for a long time, but it was pretty obvious that Janeway wouldn't give it too him.  No one really understood why.  However, right now B'Elanna found herself in a position where she might just be able to do something about it.  She didn't have the right command codes, but she did have the thumbprint, and she felt pretty sure she could find a way around the little problem with the lacking codes.  She might risk spending the rest of the journey in the brig, but she didn't really think so.  Janeway seemed intent on the crew not finding out, and throwing her in the brig for no apparent reason was bound to draw attention.  Perhaps it would even raise a few questions she wouldn't be able to answer.  Besides how could she throw herself in the brig?  It would seem rather strange for the Chief Engineer to throw the Captain in the brig, and later it would be too late, because how would she explain the change of mind to Starfleet Command when they got home.

She was so deep in thought that she didn't notice Janeway had stopped to wait for her.  B'Elanna ran smack into Janeway, which knocked her on her butt.  "What the hell did you stop for?"  The Klingon temper sounded a bit strange coming from Janeway.  It was even stranger when three crewmen passed by and saw the Captain on her butt yelling at B'Elanna.  They tried to overt their eyes and walked a bit faster.  B'Elanna just growled at them, as she got up off the deck, rubbing at Janeway's aching butt.

"Would you pay attention Lieutenant, that's my body you keep smacking around.  Your sure don't do much for my reputation as Captain.  How the hell am going to explain why I was on the deck yelling at you and rubbing my butt?"  B'Elanna just growled at her own face and started to walk away.  "Wait!  What exactly did you mean when you said 'potential'?"  Janeway asked suspiciously.

"Nothing much!  Just a few things I've been thinking about lately – a promotion for Harry for example…"

Janeway ran after her, too shocked to say anything, and afraid of what she would say next.  She couldn't just turn her ship over to B'Elanna, but she didn't really want the crew to know either.  This day was steadily growing worse and so was the headache.  How on earth was she going to solve this problem?

"Harry has wanted and deserved a promotion for a long time now, and I happen to think he really do deserve it!  I don't understand why you won't give it to him, but if you don't mind I think I will just…" B'Elanna didn't get any further, as she saw her own hands coming toward her and the Captain with fire in her eyes.

"DON'T YOU DARE - You may have my body, but I'm still the Captain.  This is still MY ship, and you'd better remember that unless you want to spend the rest of the journey in the brig!!  Now, not one more word until I get some coffee or I'm likely to do something we will both regret."  She released her hold on her own throat.  Like killing myself, and a certain chief engineer at once.  The thought sizzled through her mind. 

"You're crazier than hell Captain."  B'Elanna thought, as she mumbled quietly enough, but received the death glare coming from her own eyes, but it didn't seem to have the same effect.  B'Elanna started laughing.

"COFFEE NOW!"  Was all B'Elanna heard herself say as the Captain bounded into the turbolift.

***

After a brisk walk from the turbolift, Janeway flew through the doors to the mess hall with B'Elanna hot on her heels.  Although to everyone else, it looked like B'Elanna with the Captain hot on her heels.

"Neelix, I need coffee NOW!"  B'Elanna, who stood directly behind herself with a big grin on her face didn't miss Neelix's shocked look.

"B'Elanna, since when do you drink coffee?  You hate the stuff, it makes you…  "  He was cut off by a good impression of the Captain's death glare.

"Since the Captain here has left me with no choice.  Now give me the coffee or I'll rip your…  "

"Lieutenant Torres, you will not talk to Mr. Neelix that way.  Is that understood?"  Janeway turned that glare on her own face, which had a very smug look about it.

"It's ok Captain.  I'll just get your coffee B'Elanna.  Captain, would you like some?"  Neelix had already turned to grab the pot.

"No thanks Neelix.  I think I'm going to give up coffee.  It's just not good for me."  It took all of B'Elanna's self control not to laugh.  She watched herself spin back around with even more fire in her eyes.

"Like hell you will…  Captain.  You can't live without it, so don't even try."  She had just put the cup to B'Elanna's lips, when the doors to the mess hall flung open, followed by Tom and Chakotay.  Before either Janeway or B'Elanna had time to react, Tom had grabbed what he thought was his wife, picking her up in his arms, spilling the coffee all over and kissing her senseless.  To his utter shock, he received a slap for his efforts.

"What the hell was that for?"  He was rubbing at his stinging cheek.

"If you ever kiss me again, I'm going to toss your ass out an airlock.  Have you got that Mr. Paris?"  Poor Tom was so shocked; he couldn't even find his voice.

"Tom, I'm sure B'Elanna didn't mean it."  B'Elanna put a comforting hand on his arm, all the while laughing inside.  "Your wife has been under a lot of stress the last few days.  Just give her time to adjust to being herself again."  The Captain continued to shoot daggers at herself with B'Elanna's eyes.

"Kathryn, are you alright, how did everything go?"  Chakotay had put his warm hand on Janeway's shoulder, making B'Elanna want to laugh even more.  She almost had to bite Janeway's tongue off to keep from doing just that.

"Everything's just fine Commander."  B'Elanna tried a sweet puppy-dog look on Chakotay.  She received his dimples in response.  "It's just been a bit harder on poor B'Elanna.  I'm sure she'll feel better after a good night sleep."  Janeway was rubbing at the throbbing headache that was pounding away in B'Elanna's head.

"Sweetheart, you really don't look to well.  Why don't I take you back to our quarters, so you can get some rest?"  Tom was trying to be the ever-loving husband even though his cheek was sill stinging and he knew he could lose his very life.

"That's a good idea B'Elanna.  You go with your husband and get some sleep.  I'll take care of everything."  That did it; all Janeway could see through B'Elanna's eyes were RED.  The volcano had reached its boiling point.

"Go to hell CAPTAIN!"  Shoving herself and Tom aside, Captain Janeway stormed out of the mess hall.  Tom was even more shocked watching his wife's retreating form.

"Captain, are you sure she's alright?  I've never seen her act like that, and we've all seen the bad side of B'Elanna."  Tom was addressing his Captain in total confusion.  B'Elanna really felt sorry for her husband and almost wrapped Janeway's arms around him.  Luckily, Chakotay's hand was on her arm or she would have done so.

"She'll be ok Tom, just give her time."  B'Elanna tried to sound convincing.

"I better go make sure."  Tom turned to head out after his wife.  "Captain, if I don't show up for my next shift you'll know why."

"I'm sure you'll be fine Tom, just go easy on her; and don't get too concerned, if she acts a bit strange."

"Thanks Captain, and I'm sorry for what she said to you.  She must not be feeling herself yet.  I know she didn't mean it."  B'Elanna just smiled sweetly at her husband.

"Don't worry about it, I've been told to go to hell before.  It's going to be a crowed place that's for sure."  Tom just smiled at his Captain and Chakotay started laughing.

"Kathryn, you seem to be in as good a mood as B'Elanna is in a bad one.  Are you sure there's not something you're not telling me?"

"I tell you what Commander, if the replicator rations are on you tonight, I'd be happy to join you for dinner and we can discus it."  B'Elanna linked her arm through Chakotay's, pulling him in the direction of the door.

"Well Captain, I'd be honored."  They left the mess hall arm in arm, leaving a very confused Neelix behind.

***

Janeway stormed down the corridor and didn't give a damn about the strange looks she received from various crewmembers she passed on her way to...  She stopped.  Where was she going?  She didn't have a clue.  She was too mad to think straight and the thought of B'Elanna… the NERVE!!!  She had actually ENJOYED it!!!!!!!  And had obviously decided to take full advantage of the situation.

She heard someone behind her and started walking again.  The last thing she needed was for someone to stop and talk to her, because how would she.  Arghhhh!!

And what about Tom?  He was concerned about his wife, which was natural, but how on earth was she going to handle having to spend the night with him.  Granted she craved intimacy, would love a hug or a cuddle once in awhile, but he certainly wasn't her first choice.  He would probably be gentle with her, try to give her the time she needed to adjust, but for all he knew she was his wife, and he might just want to…  No!  She would NOT allow that!  She would have to find a way to avoid it, but how?

The effect all this was having on her angered and terrified her at the same time.  Oh, she was going to enjoy rewriting the Doctors holomatrix as soon as he was done fixing this mess.

She decided she needed something else to occupy her mind, so she headed off towards the holodeck.  She couldn't very well go to the bridge like this.  Oh the look on the faces on her senior staff when they saw B'Elanna head towards the big chair and then sitting down comfortably, as if NOTHING was amiss.  The image started her laughing despite her anger.  She could just picture it all - Tuvok's raised eyebrow, Harry starring, his mouth hanging open, Chakotay with a stunned look on his face, and Tom…

She reached the holodeck and called up her favorite program only to receive an "unable to comply" from the computer.  "WHAT?"  She exclaimed.

"Please rephrase question," the computer chirruped.

"Why can't I access my own program?"  She hissed between clenched teeth.

"The authorizing voice print does not match" the computer responded detached.  Of course, it didn't realize the danger it currently faced or it might not have been so cool about it – computer or no computer!

Janeway starred at the screen.  She was furious, but realized it was only natural that the computer wouldn't grant her access to the captain's personal programs when her voice print clearly identified her as the chief engineer.

She didn't have the slightest idea what programs B'Elanna might run, and besides it wouldn't really be appropriate for her to access any of them without her permission, so she decided to forget about the holodeck and go bug the engineering staff instead.  That might actually prove to be more fun.  As B'Elanna, she would be able to yell and scream her frustration out without anyone noticing it, and right now, that was exactly what she needed.

She stormed towards engineering, almost knocking Tom of his feet in the process.

"B'Elanna!  What is the matter with you?"  Tom had grabbed Kathryn by the upper arms and held onto her with a firm grip.  His wife's eyes were blazing and he had no idea what he had done to make her so mad.  "Sweetheart, calm down, I'm only trying to help.  What did the Doctor say to you?  Is there something you're not telling me?"  Tom's horror stricken expression melted a bit of the anger Janeway was feeling, after all this wasn't his fault and he thought he was talking to his wife.

Maybe I should just tell him the truth… she continued to stare blankly at him, on second thought, not a good idea.  Letting the infamous king of the rumor-mill in on this can only make things worse in the long run.  Tom had pulled her into a hug and for a fleeting moment, Janeway welcomed the sensation.  The moment was over before Tom would have like, as she pushed herself out of his arms.

"B'Elanna, would you please talk to me, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong Tom, I'm just a bit wound up and I need to get to engineering, it's been a few days and I need to make sure everything is running smoothly."  She tried to head down the corridor hoping he would just let her go.  Tom grabbed her arm and swung her back around.  Guess not.  She met his eyes again.

"You don't need to check on engineering, everything is fine and besides you were supposed to go to our quarters to rest.  You've had a rough few days and the Doc won't be happy to find you working already."  At the mention of the Doctor Janeway's anger bubbled up again.

"The Doctor couldn't find his holo-ass on a bright sunny day."  Janeway wasn't joking, but Tom thought his wife was hilarious.  He was laughing so hard his sides started to hurt.  Even Janeway couldn't help cracking a smile.

"Not that I don't think that was funny B'Elanna, but why so hard on the Doc?  I mean he saved your life and all."

No, he's made my life a living hell for the last few days.  That was what she wanted to say and she even had to bite her tongue to stop herself from doing so.  "Let's just forget I said anything, ok?  Now I really do need to check on my engineering staff.  I'll see you later and don't worry, I'll be good."  He still didn't look convinced, so Janeway had to think quickly.  She reached up and pulled his face toward hers placing a quick kiss on his lips.  "Now, get going yourself, don't you have a ship to fly?"

"Well, this amazing star ship does have autopilot, but I should get back to the bridge before the Captain has my butt, and I know she can find it."  Now Janeway was laughing.

"I'm sure she can Tom, so get going before she starts the hunt."  Janeway turned and headed back down the corridor hoping to make her escape.

"Umm, B'Elanna… engineering is the other way, or did the Doc misplace your sense of direction?"  Tom had caught up to her again and was still laughing.

Not just B'Elanna's sense of direction, but B'Elanna herself.  Another unspoken thought to go along with the smile.  "Thanks for reminding me Tom."  This time she picked up her pace and almost ran in the opposite direction.  She could hear Tom still laughing as she entered the turbolift.  This is a bloody nightmare.  Janeway slid up against the wall as the lift doors closed giving her a few moments of peace.

***

Chakotay walked B'Elanna to the Captain's quarters and waited for her to enter.  They had been talking and laughing all the way, and he was sorry to have to leave her, but he was still on duty and had to return to the bridge.

She seemed to fumble a bit with the entry code, and he just couldn't help commenting.  "Problems Captain?"

"Not at all, Commander!  Why would you think that?"  She answered with a suspicious smile on her face.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you can't seem to open the door.  Would you like some help with that?"  He said.

"I am perfectly capable of doing it myself, and I'm sure you have more important matters to attend to.  I'll see you tonight – 19:00 hours.  Dismissed," she responded.  She would have to bypass security and she couldn't very well do it with him standing there, and he didn't seem to be leaving.

"I said DISMISSED," she repeated a little louder.

He couldn't take his eyes of her.  She seemed different somehow, more relaxed.  "What … oh … YES 19.00 hours – your quarters.  Enjoy your afternoon off Captain."  He turned slowly and headed down the corridor toward the turbolift that would take him to the bridge.  He KNEW there was something she wasn't telling him, but he realized he would have to wait.  He was a patient man after all.

B'Elanna sighed with relief, removed the panel and started rewiring the circuitry to gain access to the Captain's quarters.  She would have to do it quickly, because it wouldn't look good, if anyone caught her red handed.  God!  THAT would be embarrassing.

It would of course have been easier, if she and the Captain had just remembered to exchange codes, but this was somewhat more fun, more exciting in a way, and besides, the embarrassment would befall the Captain, not her.  It might ruin the Captain's reputation a little, but so what?  She would have to do worse things before this was over, if she was to arrange a promotion for Harry.

She managed to open the door just, as she heard someone walking down the corridor.  She stepped inside looking around.  She'd only been in the Captain's quarters a few times, well… with the exception of the last few days, but she hadn't really been there alone then, as she had been much too close to the Captain.

Suddenly feeling slightly apprehensive B'Elanna looked around.  Maybe this isn't a good idea, this is the Captain's personal world, I don't want to hurt her, but… she walked past the mirror looking at her reflection, but nothing, I am the Captain.  She laughed in Janeway's voice, as she headed towards the bedroom.  May as well make myself at home, besides she gets my husband tonight, it's only fair.

***

By the time Janeway made it to engineering, she had almost forgotten, who she was.  Walking in, her first instinct was to look for B'Elanna; until she remembered, she WAS B'Elanna.  "Lieutenant Torres, we were not expecting you today."  Vorik walked up to her and she almost reprimanded Vorik for calling her Lieutenant.  "The Doctor said you would be taking a few days off.  Are feeling better?"

"The Doctor's an idiot, and I'm just fine thank you.  Is there a reason you don't want me here Lieutenant?"  Janeway knew she sounded snappy, but just couldn't help it.  She really didn't feel fine, and the headache was getting worse by the minute.

"There is no reason that I know of.  You are the chief engineer after all, we are always grateful for your help."  Vorik's blah Vulcan expression did nothing to improve Janeway's mood.  Her best option at the moment was to get to B'Elanna's office before she had to deal with someone else.  Maybe she could find out a secret or two about her chief engineer while she was at it.  A smile crept slowly over B'Elanna's face.

This could prove to be a bit of fun after all.  "Since I'm the chief engineer, I'll be in my office, if you need anything."  Janeway left Vorik a bit perplexed and walked into B'Elanna's office, closing the door behind her.

"Doctor to Captain Janeway."  His slightly humble voice came over the comlink.  He was answered by two voices with two different responses.

"What do you want?"  And, "this better be good news Doctor." 

"Well at least this saves me from having to contact you separately.  Two birds with one stone, as they say."

"Doctor, you are about to find that stone hitting you upside your holohead.  And Lieutenant, you are not me so please don't answer my hails."  Janeway was pacing around in B'Elanna's office.

"Well excuse me then Captain.  From what I can see I sure look like you, saggy boobs and all."  B'Elanna started laughing in the Captain's voice, which just made the whole thing worse, well worse still was the Doctor's obnoxious laughter.  Janeway was rubbing at the pounding headache trying to control her anger.

"B'Elanna, unless you want your own body intoxicated with coffee, I suggest you choke on any further comments about my boobs.  Is that clear Lieutenant?"

"Crystal Captain.  I'll just go soak your poor old body in a nice hot bath."  B'Elanna cut her end of the link, as the Doctor uttered one last chuckle.

"Doctor, you'd better have good news or the last laughing sound you will make will be the croaking sound of a frog, as you hop through the corridors of my ship, is that understood?"  Janeway was mad, but she couldn't help the smile that snuck across B'Elanna's face.  This had to be the most bizarrely comical situation anyone could dream up, and of course, she had to be in the center of it.

"I'm sorry Captain, I can tell you are hopping mad."  The Doctor just couldn't help that one, even though he could well face the rest of his existence as that frog.  "I do have an idea about what went wrong and I think I can correct this blunder."

"Blunder!  That's an understatement, if I ever heard one.  You better be able to fix this mess, and soon."

"I said I believe I can, but it's not as easy as snapping my fingers and zapping you both back to your right bodies."

"It never is easy around here Doctor.  How much time are we talking about?"

"A day or two at the most and I'll be ready."  The Doctor could hear the unspoken profanity through the sigh in B'Elanna's voice.  "I said I was sorry Captain, what more can I do?"

"Just fix this mess Doctor, as soon as possible.  Janeway out."  She cut the link and sank back into the chair at B'Elanna's desk, closing her eyes in thought.  I can do this, just a day or two more and I can just be little old me again.  A slight smile broke out on her face.  One never wonders how much you miss yourself until you're not there.  I'd like to know how I'm going to enter this one into my logs.  Before she had a chance to assess her own thoughts, a tapping on the door to the office interrupted her.  B'Elanna's eyes flew open to meet a pair of dark-chocolate ones, followed by a pair of dimples to go with them.  Janeway jumped to her feet so fast she almost knocked over the chair she had just vacated.

"B'Elanna!"  Chakotay was laughing at his friend, who looked like she was about ready to bolt out of the office.  "What's with you, you look like you've just seen a ghost?"

"Haven't seen one, but I sure feel like one Commander."  Chakotay was still looking at her in puzzlement.

"So it's Commander today is it?  I'd say I have to agree that you must be a ghost.  This whole thing has taken more out of you than you'll admit.  You're even more pigheaded than the Captain."

"I beg your pardon?"  Janeway didn't like the fact that Chakotay had just called her pigheaded.  She stood rooted to the deck, with her hands on her hips, sending the look his way.  Only problem was it didn't have the same effect coming from B'Elanna's body.  Chakotay started laughing again.

"I think I'd better get you back to sickbay, you're acting a bit strange.  If you're trying to imitate the Captain, it's not working.  You just don't have the knack for the death glare."

"Chakotay, you're a pig."

"Now, that's better.  That sounds like the B'Elanna we all love."  Janeway couldn't help it, he had managed to get her to laugh despite her frustration.  "So are you going to tell me how you're really feeling or not?"  He sat down on the edge of B'Elanna's desk.

"I'm fine, just a bit tired and one hell of a headache.  By the way, aren't you supposed to be on the bridge, playing captain?"

"I'll have you know I don't play captain, I am Captain, well when Kathryn is otherwise off duty that is.  Which by the way is what you should be doing, off duty, taking it easy for a few days?  You should follow the Captain's example and relax."  The fire was back in Janeway's half Klingon eyes and it was directed at her first officer.

"Well maybe I could relax, if our dear Captain would get her lazy loafing butt out of the tub and do her job."  Chakotay's bug-eyed shocked expression dissolved Janeway's anger and she burst out laughing at him.

"What in the hell is wrong with you B'Elanna?  If I didn't know better, I'd say the Doctor misplaced your brain altogether.  Kathryn risked her own life to save yours, and this is how you repay her?"  Janeway had stopped laughing, feeling very touched by how he was sticking up for her.

"Chakotay, it's not what you think.  I didn't mean to…  "  The look he gave her was not one of understanding and there was no way she would be able to convince him right now anyway.  "  Never mind, I'm just tired and I didn't mean anything by it."

"My point exactly B'Elanna.  You are over tired and you need to recover from the last few days.  You are now officially off duty until I say otherwise."

"You can't do that."  Janeway hissed.  "You are NOT the Captain."

"I am for the next two day's, so if you don't want to spend that time in the brig, I suggest you follow orders, Lieutenant."  At that moment, Janeway didn't know whether to deck her first officer or burst out laughing.  While deciding, which was her best move, she stared at him blankly until Vorik interrupted her.

"I'm sorry to bother you Commander, Lieutenant, but we've got a bit of a problem I was hoping you could help us with."  He was looking directly at Janeway for that help, although Chakotay answered for her.

"If it's not an emergency Vorik, I think you can handle it yourself.  Lieutenant Torres is off duty for the next two days."  Chakotay hadn't taken his eyes off her the whole time.  Looking for what, Janeway didn't know, but she suspected he was trying to decide, if she was crazy or not.

"Yes Sir, Commander."  Vorik started to back out the door.

"Hold on Vorik, I'll be right out to help as soon as I have a few words with Captain Chakotay here."  Janeway had pushed past Chakotay, so she was standing directly in front of the door.  Vorik just nodded slightly and left.

"B'Elanna, you are really pushing it here.  What part of off duty don't you understand?"  Janeway folded B'Elanna's arms, not budging an inch.

"Must be the part that says my friend Chakotay is being unfair and acting like he has all the power, because he's playing captain."

"B'Elanna, I'm not trying to be unfair or mean.  I just want what's best for you and right now that's getting some rest and taking care of yourself."

"Fine, I'll go get some rest just as soon as I help Vorik, I promise."  She added.  "Chakotay, I know I'm a bit snappy and tired, so I won't overdo it.  You just have to trust me on this."

"B'Elanna, I don't think you have a clue what's good for you, but I'll give you a break.  You have one hour to fix whatever this so called problem is and then you're off duty and I'm dead serious, not one minute longer."

"Aye Captain, I'll be snuggled in my beddie-bye in less than an hour, if that's ok."  Chakotay just sighed.

"You're impossible."

"So you've told me.  Now, can I get back to work?"

"One hour."  He put his hand on B'Elanna's shoulder, causing Janeway to flinch at his touch.  The smile that followed touched her even deeper, but she kept a straight face.  "I'll be on the bridge for a while, and then I'm going to my quarters to start on my special surprise meal for Kathryn."  The straight face turned into a frown.

"Why?"  Chakotay's smile just continued.

"Not that it's any of your business Miss Nosey, and besides, I thought you would be thrilled that we were spending time together."

"I'm ecstatic, jumping for joy, thrilled.  Now if you'll excuse me, my hour is ticking away."  Janeway turned and walked out of the office leaving Chakotay even more confused than he had been before.

What in the hell is going on with her?  Chakotay left engineering headed for the bridge.  Janeway watched him go feeling an unexpected pang of jealousy nip at her heart.  After all, he was doing this for her; she just wasn't her at the moment.

"Ok Vorik, let's see what you've got.  I'm on a time limit with our new Captain."  Janeway and Vorik headed up to the upper level of engineering.

***

"Tom, can I see you in the ready room for a minute?"  Chakotay called over the comlink.

"Be right there Commander."  Tom nodded to Harry, as he walked past.

"What did you do now Tom, cheat on the betting pool?"  Harry had learned the art of teasing very well from his friend.

"Buster, you're good, but not good enough."  Harry received Tom's remark, as he entered the ready room.  The doors closed leaving Harry's laughter behind.  "What's up Commander?"  Tom took the seat in front of the Captain's desk.

"Have you had a chance to talk with B'Elanna since she stormed out of the mess hall?"  Chakotay had been stewing over this since he had left engineering.

"Briefly, why?"  Tom looked slightly worried by the question.

"I'm not sure, how did she seem to you?  I mean was she acting strange, a bit more snappy than usual."

"With B'Elanna that's hard to tell.  She did seem to be preoccupied with getting to engineering, but then she started to head in the wrong direction.  I told her to go back to our quarters and rest, but she doesn't listen to me."

"Well, I just ordered her to do the same, and she better listen to me."  Tom was chuckling a bit.

"Don't count on it Commander, but I'll make sure she stays put in bed when my shift ends."

"I don't think that is quite what I had in mind for relaxing, but hey, whatever works, just make sure does get some sleep."  Tom was really laughing now.

"Don't worry, I will.  She's really been through the ringer the last few days, as has the Captain.  Who by the way seems to be following orders better than my wife, wonder why?"

"Good question, should be the other way around, but Kathryn is being a good girl and staying in her quarters.  Maybe this has taken a harder toll on them than we thought.  I can't begin to imagine what they have been through."

"You and me both Commander, but we're lucky to have them back in one piece, well… in two pieces that is."  This time it was Chakotay, who had to laugh, until the interruption of the comlink.

"Commander Chakotay, we've got a visitor.  The Naballan ship is back and they're hailing us."  Tuvok had no sooner gotten the words out than Chakotay and Tom rushed out of the ready room.

"What do they want Tuvok?"

"I don't know Commander, they insisted on speaking with the Captain, but since she's off duty maybe you can appease them."  Chakotay had been told all about them and wasn't happy to have a repeat performance with the arrogant Naballan.

"On screen Tuvok."  Chakotay walked to the front of the bridge, as Tom slid into his place at the helm.  "This is Commander Chakotay, is there something I can do for you?"  A Naballan moved into view and took a seat.  Chakotay almost burst out laughing at the sight.  This was the first time he had had the misfortune of seeing one of them and wasn't quite prepared for the experience.  Tom on the other hand didn't have as much self-control.  He did burst out laughing at the sight.  "Lieutenant, cool it."  Chakotay hissed just above a whisper.

"Where is Captain Janeway?"  A gurgling, croaking sound met their ears.

"Captain Janeway is unavailable.  As I said, I'm Commander Chakotay and I'm in command at the moment.  Now, do we have a problem here?"  The Naballan's large frog like eyes locked at Chakotay.  The menacing feeling intensified with his big sneering toothless smile.  He reminded Chakotay of an ancient earth children's character, 'Kermit the Frog', except for the fact that this frog looked evil.  Not at all the friendly frog of fiction.

"No Commander, we do not have a problem, it's you, who has the problem.  I insist on speaking to your Captain or I'll be forced to take action."

"Their weapons are powering up."  Tuvok spoke from tactical.

"Shields Tuvok."  Chakotay hadn't taken his eyes off of frog face.  "Look, we're not your enemies here.  You've been following Voyager and attacking us for weeks now.  What have we done to offend you?"  Chakotay was fast losing his patience.

"You have five minutes to get your Captain up here before we start firing."  The frog fizzled out of view cutting the link.

"That didn't go over too well."  Tom turned to face Chakotay, who just rolled his eyes as he tapped his combadge.

"Chakotay to Captain Janeway, you're needed on the bridge."  They all heard the sloshing sound of water before her reply.

"On my way."  B'Elanna had jumped out of the tub at the sound of the hail, leaving almost everyone on the bridge laughing under his or her breath.  Chakotay let his dimples escape at the thought of Kathryn still soaking in the tub.  If they got out of this little frog diversion intact, he was going to love dinner tonight.  He was still enjoying the possibility in thought when the turbolift doors swished open three minutes later.

"What's going on?"  Before anyone could answer B'Elanna's question she did it herself.  "Not again, what the hell do they want?"  She had joined Chakotay in front of the view screen.

"Good question Captain.  The Naballan leader wouldn't talk to me.  He was very insistent that he speak to you only."  B'Elanna locked Janeway's eyes on Chakotay.

"How insistent?"

"Weapons are powered up, old frog face means business."  B'Elanna started laughing at her friend's description.  She had called them that and worse the first time she had seen them.

"Captain, I do not see this situation as funny.  They have already caused us enough damage."  Tuvok choked out all laughter, as only Tuvok could.  Before B'Elanna could respond, the view-screen was activated again.

"Captain Janeway, I am glad you thought best to talk with me."

"That makes one of us Captain Gorf.  Now, what do you want?"  At that moment, Chakotay wanted nothing more than to run off the bridge, so he could collapse into a fit of laughter.  As it was he had to turn away from the view screen and swallow back the erupting laughter.  B'Elanna couldn't help the big smile herself, as she leaned in close to him to whisper.

"Sorry, guess you didn't know his name.  Kind of fitting don't you think?"  Chakotay had to squeeze his eyes shut to avoid the tears that were forming from the un-escaped laughter.

"You could have warned me Captain, thanks a lot."  Chakotay hissed back as quietly as he could.

"Captain Janeway, this is rude, I demand to speak with you, now!"  Gorf was about to lose all control.

"You demand!  I don't take orders from you Gorf.  In fact, I'm fed up with you and your little band of froggets."  Gorf's eyes grew double in size along with everyone on the bridge of Voyager.  They were all staring at B'Elanna, as if their Captain had lost her mind.  "Now, unless you have a good reason for this intrusion, I suggest you get out of our way."

"We have good reason Captain Janeway, you owe us restitution for all the damage you and your ship have inflicted on us."  B'Elanna's Klingon temper exploded.

"We WHAT!  Are you out of your mind, you P'Tok!  We aren't the ones who started this mess and I'm sure as hell not going to give you anything to fix your damaged ships."  Chakotay was looking at her like she was an alien herself, having no idea how closely accurate that thought was.  He reached out grabbing her arm to get her attention.

"Captain!  What are you doing?  This is no way to treat this situation."

"Are you questioning my authority Commander?"

"No, I'm questioning your sanity Kathryn.  What's gotten into you?"

"I hate to break this up Captain, Commander, but we've got more company."  Harry Kim cut in.  "Three more Naballan ships approaching."

"Red Alert!"  Chakotay called out just as the first blast rocked the ship.

***

Janeway was working with Vorik trying to determine the problem and find a solution when they were thrown violently to the floor, as the ship rocked under them and the red alert klaxons began to scream.

"What the hell!!" she yelled to be heard, as she scrambled to her feet acting on instinct.

"Battle stations everyone", Chakotay's voice filtered through the comsystem at the same time Vorik called out "where are you going, Lieutenant?"  But Janeway was already on her way out of engineering, and didn't hear any of them.  In any emergency, her place was on the bridge and NOT engineering.

She started running and slapped her combadge "Janeway to the bridge, what's going on?"

"Unable to comply", the annoying computer answered.  What?  She thought and tried again, but got the same response.  What the hell is wrong with the computer?  Deciding that problem would have to wait, she hurried to the turbolift.  The safety of her ship was more important, and she could deal with the damn computer later.

Voyager rocked with a jolt once again and she was thrown hard into a bulkhead.  For a second, she lay there a bit dazed, and a bit more of a headache, but soon regained her senses, wiping the trickle of blood from her ridged forehead.  She more cautiously proceeded on her way to the bridge.

She found it a bit strange that Chakotay hadn't called her yet, but assumed the problems with the computer prevented him from doing so.  She hurried faster because her ship and crew needed their captain.

Finally, she reached the turbolift, but had to wait awhile for it to get there and it seemed like hours passed before it arrived.  The doors finally opened and she stepped in, sweating and bleeding, but relieved to know she was now only seconds away from the bridge.  Her relief was temporary, however, as it came to an abrupt stop, throwing her to the deck.  WHAT NOW?  Exasperated, she tried to call the bridge, but got no answer, so she tried engineering, but once again heard nothing but silence.

"What on earth is going on?"  She grumbled to the walls of the turbolift.  "Well, I can't just sit here and wait for someone to figure out what the hell the problem is.  Time for plan B."

First, she tried to open the doors, but they were jammed shut and couldn't be opened.  She reached for the emergency hatch at the top of the lift and crawled out, scrapping her arm on the way through.  More than one colorful exclamation passed her lips.  There was an opening to a jefferies tube right by, and for a second, she debated climbing the stairs inside the shaft, as it would be a much quicker way of getting to the bridge.  Looking down at her scrapped and bleeding arm, she quickly decided against it. It was too dangerous.  If the lift suddenly started moving again there would be no more Captain left.

She started crawling as fast as she could manage, cursing each time the ship rocked under her, and she still couldn't reach anyone to find out what was going on.

Reaching the intersection, she began climbing up deck by deck, almost getting thrown off a few times, but her Janeway stubbornness saved her and she managed to hang on.  Finally, she reached deck one and attempted to open the access hatch, but it wouldn't budge.  She tried to determine where she was, thereby deciding where to go, and finally decided on the one leading to her ready room.

Making it there in record time, she straightened up and looked toward the windows, where she saw the Naballan ships, several of them.  Not again!!  She thought.  As if they didn't cause enough trouble the last time.  They damn near killed B'Elanna, and the after effects of that are driving me mad.  The sooner I get there the better.  Chakotay was a fine First Officer, but this situation she would rather handle herself.

"Report" she barked walking through the door of the ready room.

That certainly got their attention.  They were in the middle of a battle, but the sight of the ship's chief engineer walking through the doors from the Captain's ready room, a bit the worse for wear and demanding a report was a sight to behold.

"I want a full status report and I want to know why they are attacking us, AGAIN!!" she continued not noticing the stares from the senior officers present.  Chakotay looked shocked while the real B'Elanna tried to stifle her building laughter.  Harry Kim was the first to find his voice.

"B'Elanna, how the… what the… you're bleeding."  Now B'Elanna did laugh as Janeway gave her the not so affective death glare.

"Good job Harry, you really got your point across, and you're observant too."  Chakotay shot daggers at B'Elanna with his eyes and went to help B'Elanna, well Janeway.

"B'Elanna, you're hurt, what happened, why are you up here?"  He was looking closely at her head wound, making Janeway a bit flustered by his closeness.  It took her a few seconds to get her brain to conform to her mouth, and a few more to remember, who the hell she was supposed to be.

Before she could react to either thought, the ship was slammed again by a phaser blast from one of the Naballan ships, which sent Janeway flying into Chakotay's arms.

"Tuvok, give them a taste of their own medicine."  B'Elanna barked out the order, still enjoying the part of Captain.

"Belay that order Commander."  Janeway, not so willingly removed herself from her first officers warm arms.

"Excuse me Lieutenant!"  Tuvok looked about as confused as a Vulcan could.  Tom had swung around in his seat, looking at his wife like she was a total stranger.  The real B'Elanna had the menacing impression that she was about to be busted.

"You heard me Commander.  I'm sure you've noticed that Captain Janeway here isn't acting like herself.  The Doctor gave me orders to keep an eye on her… just in case this whole thing had certain… side effects.  I believe she isn't acting in her right mind."  Janeway was glaring at her own eyes, which were filled with a mixture of amusement and anger.

Tuvok hadn't fired a shot and Chakotay kept looking from one to the other, trying to decide if either or both of them had gone nuts.  "Commander, we're being hailed by the lead Naballan ship."  Harry cut the tension that was thicker than the ships' bulkheads.

"On screen."  All three officers said at the same time, moving to stand side by side behind Tom's chair.  He just turned back to the screen, completely dumbfounded.

"Captain Janeway, have you reconsidered our request?"  Gorf's frog faced smile made Janeway's stomach lurch.

"What the hell are you talking about Gorf?"  Janeway answered from B'Elanna's mouth.  She was jabbed in the arm by Chakotay, which made her temper flare even more.

"B'Elanna!  Stay out of this.  Don't you think you should be in engineering, or at least back in your quarters like you've been ordered."  That did it, the volcano was about to blow, and the force was directed at Chakotay.

"Why you son of a …" She had slapped him across the face, leaving B'Elanna's nice handprint burning red on his cheek.  B'Elanna had reached around covering her own mouth with Janeway's hand, stifling the rest of that un-captain like statement and pulling her away from Chakotay.

"Lieutenant!  That's quite enough."  B'Elanna yelled rather loudly, still holding on to her own body.  She turned to face the view-screen.  "Gorf, could you please excuse me for a moment?  I have a rather touchy situation here, and don't blow up my ship until I get back."  She was already pulling the captain with her towards the ready room.  Frog face started laughing, but there wasn't as much as a breath being taken from the bridge crew, as they watched the retreating captain and chief engineer.

"No problem Captain, I'm finding this most amusing."  He continued to laugh, as Chakotay signalled for Harry to cut the link.

***

The door to the ready room had hardly closed before Janeway blurted out "What the hell do you think you are doing Lieutenant?"

"Trying to save our butt Captain," she responded with laughter in her voice.  "It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it and since you aren't exactly in a position to do much about it now, I thought it might as well be me" she continued innocently.

"And your solution was to FIRE at them?  Did it EVER occur to you to use a bit of diplomacy?  I realize they aren't the most diplomatic race, but…"

"But nothing Captain.  Those toad-faced morons have about as much diplomacy as ship full of drunk Klingons."  Janeway almost cracked a smile at the expression on her own face that was coming from B'Elanna.  She put her hands to her aching head feeling B'Elanna's ridged forehead.  The pain was getting worse and at that moment, she didn't know whether to laugh, cry or jump ship. 

Locking eyes with herself the latter of her three choices seemed the most appealing.  Maybe I should just hop on over to Gorf's ship and beg for asylum.  It can't be worse than this and maybe I would like being a frog, I sure as hell don't like being a half Klingon.

"Captain, are you alright?  You look like you're about to run for your life."  B'Elanna was starting to get worried about her friend and captain.  She knew she had been a bit hard on her, well down right mean was more like it, but it was all in fun and it was her way to deal with this crazy nightmare they had been forced into.  "I know I haven't handled this very well, but you have to admit they are idiots and if it wasn't for them, I would still be ME!"  B'Elanna was almost as frustrated as her counterpart.

Without acknowledging her chief engineer, Janeway walked to the replicator and ordered coffee.  The headache was horrible, her stomach was in knots, and her ship was in jeopardy of being destroyed.  Not a perfect day in the Delta Quadrant.  "You know B'Elanna, I think you are starting to like coffee."  She remarked in between sips of the dark bitter liquid.

"No, I still hate it, but my stomach is adapting to the poison.  Not like it has much choice now does it?"

"Nope, not much."  Janeway continued to sip the coffee while B'Elanna paced the ready room.  The doors to the ready room swished open, causing her to turn and walk smack into the uninvited guest.

"Chakotay, don't you ever knock?"  B'Elanna pushed herself away from him.

"Sorry Captain, but I didn't think you'd let me in if I did, and this is too important to just sit back and wait for the bomb to drop."  Janeway was still sitting on the couch and she couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up.  Poor Chakotay didn't have a clue as to what was really going on.  She almost felt sorry for him, until she saw the deadly glare he shot in her direction.  "B'Elanna, this is not funny, just what in the hell are you doing?"  Janeway didn't answer so he turned his attention back to who he thought was the captain.  "And you CAPTAIN, have undoubtedly lost your mind."

"I won't argue that."  Janeway said from her seat, holding up her cup of coffee and smiling sweetly.  "She has totally lost it Commander."

"Shut up B'Elanna, that is no way to speak to your Captain, or to me."  Chakotay was livid and Janeway tried to hide her laughter, unsuccessfully.

"Yes Commander, I was just reaffirming your statement.  'Captain Janeway has lost her mind,' but I'll be quiet now, don't want to spend my life in the brig."  Janeway choked on her laughter along with her coffee.

"Commander, maybe we should continue this conversation a bit later hmm?  We have other…"  B'Elanna didn't get to finish her statement.

"Captain to the bridge, the Naballan Captain is hailing you."  Tuvok's always calm voice interrupted.  Janeway jumped up from the couch, B'Elanna shot a glance at herself, and Chakotay just stared at both of them.  Neither said a word.  "Captain, did you hear me?"  Now even Tuvok had a hint of life in his voice.

"Tell frog face to keep his skin on, I'll be there in a minute, Janeway out." 

"Not very diplomatic CAPTAIN."  Janeway folded B'Elanna's arms across her chest and glared at herself.

"Not very damn smart either."  Chakotay was so confused he thought he was losing his mind. 

"I'm not stupid Commander, and I'll straighten this out in a minute.  Now if you'll give me and the…  B'Elanna a minute please, I'll be right out."  Chakotay looked from one to the other, but neither of them gave him a second glance.  Their focus was locked on each other.  With a huff and puff, he turned and stomped out the door.

"You'd better not be stupid Lieutenant, this is my ship and crew you are messing with.  These Naballans can be big trouble.  We have to do what we can to get them off our backs, and threatening them is NOT going to help."

"I know that Captain, and I am sorry about before, but they have made such a mess of my life, I just didn't think first."

"Well you'd better think first and react later B'Elanna or consequences be damned, I'll do it for you."  Janeway stepped over to herself and put her hand on her shoulder.  "B'Elanna, this isn't just your life here, this is your entire family.  Use your common sense, bargain, trade, lie, whatever it takes to appease their infantile minds."  She gave her chief engineer a half smile.

"And if that doesn't work?"

"We blow them the hell up."  B'Elanna couldn't help it, she hugged herself, and well her Captain, and they both started laughing.

"It's a deal Captain, now come and watch how a professional does it."  They headed arm in arm towards the bridge.

"I wouldn't miss this for a quick trip to the Alpha Quadrant, Lieutenant."

***

"Captain Gorf, my sincere apologies for this slight interruption."  B'Elanna was doing her best impression of a sweet little obedient Starfleet officer. 

Janeway was standing behind her and had to swallow back a chuckle at her chief engineer's acting abilities.  She's good.

"It's quite alright Captain, we have been most amused by your bickering, and I think we have a proposal that you'll agree too."  B'Elanna sat in the captain's chair, playing the part to the hilt.

"I'm listening Captain Gorf."  She even received a smile from Chakotay, who had taken his own seat next to her.  Janeway stood on the upper deck, just enjoying the whole scene.

"We've heard some things about you from other species we've come in contact with."  That made the hair on the back of Janeway's next stand straight up.  B'Elanna wiggled slightly in the captain's chair.

"What sort of things Captain."  B'Elanna was trying to remain calm.

"It seems you have a…  Talaxian on board."  B'Elanna shot to her feet and Janeway scurried from the upper deck and was at her side in an instant.  Tom and Harry looked from one to the other, while Chakotay just sat in his seat with a dumbfounded look about him.

"So what about him Gorf?  I'm NOT giving you Neelix, he's not for trade or any other thing you have in mind."  Janeway had put her hand on B'Elanna's arm trying to keep them both calm.

"Captain Janeway, we don't want your… whatever his name is, we want his recipe for that well known dish he makes, and maybe some of that leekie-root stuff."  Gorf was being very serious, but the bridge crew of Voyager simultaneously burst out laughing, with the exception of Tuvok, who had the only straight face left.  "Captain!  What is so funny now?  I think you and your crew have lost your minds.  Maybe we should just destroy your ship, put you all out of your misery."

With the best performance of her life, B'Elanna pulled it together enough to speak, in a relatively normal voice.  "No, no Captain, I apologize for our behavior.  We've just been under some strain lately, I'm sure you understand."  The laughter had subsided to a few snickers from Mr. Paris, who received a slug from his wife, or his captain.

"We are trying to understand your strange ways Captain.  Do we have a deal or not?"

"Well Captain, we might if I knew what your end of the deal was.  You can't just expect us to hand over our valued supply of 'leekie-root' and that famous recipe without something in return."  Tom was jabbed again before he could spill the laughter.

"We would never think such a thing.  Our end of the deal would be to never again chase you down and fire on your ship."  Gorf said with all sincerity.

Janeway's hand rubbed over her chin, as B'Elanna seemed deep in thought.  "Hmm, that is an interesting proposal Captain, would you give us a minute to discuss the matter?"

"You have three minutes Captain Janeway, than the deal's off and we start to fire."  The view-screen went back to the outside view of his ship and the senior officers of Voyager burst out laughing again.

Harry was the first to get his voice to co-operate.  "This has got to be the strangest thing that has happened to us yet."  Janeway was wiping at the tears in B'Elanna's eyes when she turned to answer Harry.

"Not the strangest thing Harry, but damn close.  All this time they've been trying to destroy us, and all they wanted was LEOLA ROOT!"  Janeway started laughing again.

"Well B'Elanna, I think we can all safely agree to give them all the leola root they want.  This is a blessing in disguise."  Chakotay's earlier mood had lightened significantly, and even the dimples had been let out again.  "Ok Captain, it's up to you."  He turned to face the blue eyes of his dear friend and the ship's captain.

B'Elanna tapped the combadge.  "Neelix, you're a famous man, we need you on the bridge, now!"

"Famous?  I'll be right there Captain."  Neelix's jubilant voice echoed back. 

Fifteen minutes later, 70% of their leola root supply and all of Neelix's recipes had been beamed over to the Naballan ship.  Neelix wouldn't part with all of his precious stash, but the latest disaster had been averted.  Voyager and her crew never saw Gorf and his merry band of frogs again.

On to Chapter Two