It was then that Buddah became acquainted with the wall. Her body slid down the wall to the ground in a way reminiscent of a cartoon. "But…how?" she managed to say in her dazed state.
Imp laughed phantomly as she suddenly raised a palantir high over her head. "Saruman left this lying around! I have seen the dark lord and he has given me power!"
"Ah! Bitch!" Buddah yelled as she mentally threw Imp against the wall.
"Bring it ho!" came Imp's muffled retort.
"It's already been broughten! I'm gonna get old school on your ass!" Buddah screamed. She raised her arms and lifted herself several feet in the air. "Kiss my ass sit-n'-spin!" She taunted, letting loose a powerful burst of magic. Imp crashed to the ground and began to spin around in circles a'la Gandalf.
"Not…frelling…fair!" Imp yelled through clenched teeth as she tried to claw the ground to stop.
"Oh yeah! Who's all powerful now?!" Buddah taunted, her ego growing with leaps and bounds.
Suddenly the shit hit the fan, so to say.
"You let mah bitch down!" A loud rather evil voice boomed.
Imp's body stopped spinning and fell to the ground. Buddah whirled around and looked up. There, in front of her stood…
"Ian!?" Buddah said, her eyebrows rising quizzically.
Imp and Buddah's red headed friend, who—in actuality—had abandoned them cruelly for the establishments of higher learning in jolly old England, stood in the doorway, dressed in a quite impressive ensemble of black. "Sauron gave the business to me recently," Ian explained as he mencingly entered the room. "I'm the Dark Lord in these parts now, and only I am allowed to abuse Imp is such a manner. Therefore, little weakling, let my toady go!"
"Damn Brit-wannabe!" Buddah yelled as she concentrated all her powers on the traitor in front of her.
It was then, before blood was spilled, that a voice was heard. It seemed to come from the Palantir, was muffled and sounded kind of… British.
"Teehee! He's going to freak when he finds out we have been in his dorm room!" said the voice.
Three eyebrows rose simultaneously and one very miffed deity let her arms fall.
"So where did you say it was again?" said a second voice.
"In his underwear drawer" answered the first.
Suddenly the voice got much clearer as light was seen in the Palatir. All three crowded around the Palantir. "Here it is! Last time I saw Ian with it, some chick was talking through it."
"It looks like a paper weight!" said the second voice.
"Look! Ian wears tighty whities!" said the first voice gleefully.
The Dark Lord turned red and made a dive for the Palantir. He was lucky that the other two girls were giggling too much to grab the Palantir before he did.
"Teehee!…I think you forgot something in England oh great and powerful Dark Lord!" Imp snorted.
"Now look here!" Ian fumed, trying red with embarrassment and rage. "I am Ian, heir of Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor! Nobody mocks the Dark Lord! Nobody!"
Buddah and Imp looked at Ian, looked at each other, and then collapsed to the ground, 'Bwah-ha ing' wildly. "TIGHTY WHITIES!" Imp hooted, tears streaming down her face.
That is why they were all caught unawares. For Tolkien—who had been spinning in his grave so fast that he drilled his way out—came swooping down on them.
"Fools!" his rotting corpse cried as he stormed into the computer lab. "Asses! I have had it with you youth today! How dare you mock my creation, my love-child!"
The three shrank in horror, though more from the smell than from the freakiness of the situation.
"I should kill you all!" he screamed
"Oh come on!" Imp squeaked in horror, trying to save herself for Tolkien's indignant rage. "At least we don't write slash!"
"I shall rip out your ribcage and wear it…" Tolkien froze as he took a double take. "Slash?"
"Here!" Imp cried as she turned on one of the computers. "We are not the ones worthy of your wrath!" she claimed, looking at the computer nervously as it SLOWLY booted.
With a few quick keystrokes the infamous homepage of Fanfiction.net appeared on the screen. With an ease born of habit, Imp brought up the Lord of the Rings page.
With a quick scroll down and a few words of consultation with Buddah, they choose a fic called "The Love that dare not speak its Name".
After a brief explanation on how to scroll down Tolkien's cadaver sat down and began to read. He frowned deeply as he read.
"This is hardly as bad as you make it… SWEET JESUS!" he yelled, finally coming across the smut. "I know I made Sam incredibly devoted to Frodo, but I never meant like that!"
"That's not the worst," Baddah sagely said. She quickly brought up a story called "It Happened Up Against a Tree One Day."
He only got so far until he could read no more. "Blasphemy!" Tolkien screamed, rocking back in forth in physical pain. "Blasphemy! Blasphemy! BLASPHEMY!!!"
"Its only a model!"
"Shhh!" Ian said. "Now is NO time for Monty Pytohn references.
"But! How!?" Tolkien's corpse blabbered, desperately trying to compose sentences, though still too emotionally scarred to manage yet. "Who… how…but…like hell Aragorn would do that!!" he finally shouted, slamming his rotting forehead against the keyboard, tears slowly coursing down his shrunken cheeks.
"If only I would have known sooner…" He moaned pitifully. "I would have put a stop to this…this…shameless crap!!"
"Whatever you do, nix mentioning the self-insertion or Mary Sue fics," Imp whispered to Buddah.
"We can help you get even!" exclaimed Buddah as she stepped forward. "We have fought long and hard against the dark evil that is LOTR porn!"
"A great evil was forged on the websites of the internet," Ian said solemnly, actually appearing quite dark and lordly. "Only there can it be destroyed."
"Join us Tolkien," Buddah declared. "Together, we shall overcome."
Tolkien looked up staring blankly at the computer screen. "I know what I must do – though I do not know the way."
"Do not fear! I shall lead you to the very door of the slash writers," Imp swore. "You have my pen!"
"And my powers!" Buddah cried.
"And my palantir!" Ian proclaimed, finishing the blatant movie rip off.
