Author: Amy Lock

Title: Reality's Nightmare

A/n: Wow, nothing like writers block on one story to get your juices flowing on another. It may not be as emotional or good as the last ones, but at least I broke out of my rut. And for those of you who are waiting for chapter nine of "No Greater Love", I'm nearing the end of writing it, so it should be posted with five days. I hope you enjoy.
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He walked to his car slowly, like a man waiting for his execution. In a way he was, but in a way, his death had already been committed. He had died with her in his arms, and he would never forget that feeling. He doubted that he would ever even get over it. All he knew was that he had to try.

When his parents had died he felt confused, hurt and betrayed. But little by little, those feelings were swept away, and they were replaced by something more pleasant. As time continued, he found himself able to speak of them; to quote his mother's kind words and to tell tales of his father's short lived time with him. Eventually, the nightmares and sadness turned into dreams of acceptance where his parents were safe and warm and still devotedly looking over him. He began to accept the fact that though he could not see them, their presence would always be with him.

Max's death was different. The nightmares hadn't slowed down-on the contrary, they had increased dramatically. They had gotten so bad that he was beginning to fear sleep and the images that it conjured. Every morning he would wake up gasping for air, his blankets wet with a mixture of tears and sweat. Each night they changed, but the outcome remained the same. He tried to help her, he tried so damn hard, but his attempts only served to kill her. His last dream was more potent than ever. She was standing in the middle of a frozen lake, calling to him for help, saying that she needed him. He ran to her, his heavy footsteps increasing the cracks in the imperfect cold surface. She reached out her hand for his, her mouth forming words that he couldn't make out no matter how hard he tried. He was so close, all he needed was one more step, and she would be safe in his arms. But just as his fingers touched hers a deafening crack split the air, and the ice fell out from under her feet. Screaming her name he grabbed for her, but she had disappeared into the opaque depths. When he woke up from that one, he was sure that his heart had gone with her.

Bling was over every day now, sensing that he was needed. Max had told him about that night with Dr. Vertes. She had made Bling swear that if anything were to happen to her, he would make sure that Logan made it through. Bling had never realized how much he was needed until he had walked in one day on Logan sitting at the computer desk. At first he was thrilled, thinking that Eyes Only would be back and would be a great healing for his friend. But then he realized that the machines were off, and the look on Logan's face was anything but healed. His breathing was severely distorted, almost painful. His features were set in a grim expression that took Bling's breath away, but it was his eyes that would forever be burned into the kind physiotherapists memory. Never before had he seen such pain. If Logan had thought that his injury was the worst thing that could happen to him, Max had proved him wrong in the most unthinkable way ever. She had left him. And his eyes bore proof of that burden.

Cindy wasn't faring much better. She had not known of the mission to save Tinga, only that Max would be temporarily out of town. Although Max had sworn to her that it was nothing to worry about, Cindy had felt the cold fingers of doubt grip her heart tightly even before Max was due back. As each day went on, her worries increased and her days passed in clouds of fearful haze. For every excuse she gave Normal, her heart constricted a little more, fearing the worst with no conformation of anything. As the first week without Max drew to a close she still hadn't heard any news and her mind was beginning to lose concentration. At Normal's snapped demand, she turned to him in a fog and whispered, "I don't know". Never before had she known an excuse to silence their boss so quickly or effectively. It seemed that even he was getting worried. When Logan finally broke the news, Cindy had called and requested a day off. Her voice was so tired and full of grief that Normal didn't argue, and when she returned to work to explain what had happened, he suggested that they discuss it in his office. Cindy couldn't recall a time when Jam Pony had ever been quiet, but as she exited Normal's office that day, her tough but loving face streaked with anguished tears, a pin dropping would have sounded like a bomb. Normal followed her out, then waited for her retreating form to leave earshot before he turned a grim face to his employees. His voice sounded detached, for he was also feeling the strong effects of Max's absence. His news was greeted with gasps and more silence until a muffled sob overcame the void and Max's friends were able to grieve their loss.

It had been Sketchy who had suggested the memorial service. After the shock, the group skipped Crash for a few days and chose the park instead. It was there with tears in his eyes that he came up with the idea. At first, Cindy wasn't sure if she could handle it, and she was even more concerned about Logan, but at her friends urgings, she agreed. Herbal approached the owner of Crash asking if it was possible to shut the bar down for one afternoon in which they could use it. The man's first reaction was a scoff, but when he heard the reason he agreed immediately. Max had touched a lot of people, and he was very well aware of who she was. When offered payment, he refused saying it was the least he could do.

And so that was why, with the sun shining cruelly in the sky, Logan made his way out to his Aztec for his first time in public since the raid on Manticore three weeks ago. Bling followed him, and sat in the passenger's seat keeping quiet, but letting Logan know that he was there for him. As the vehicle neared Crash, Logan just about turned it around, but the thought of not being there for this forced him to shut off the car, and walk into the bar.

When Cindy saw Logan enter, she mustered a soft smile in his direction, before standing in front of the large crowd.

"Hey," As she surveyed the people, she marveled at what Max's personality had accomplished in so many lives. There was everyone; Sketchy, Herbal, Normal, the rest of the crew at Jam Pony, Kendra, Walter, Bling, and so many others. The bar was packed full of people, some who she had barely said two words to but who had still been touched deeply by her life, and others who she would have fought for with her last breath. Like Logan.

"I just wanted to thank you all for coming out. I know that all of you had some connection with my Boo, and I think that she'd be really happy to see y'all out here on account of her. She never understood how she affected people, and she wouldn't believe this crowd, but she sure would be grateful."

Cindy paused for a moment, stealing strength from the teary smiles and small nods.

"When I met Max, the first thing that I noticed was her kindness. She was new at work, and I was in a jam. I needed to get off quick, but I was running late. She owed me nothing, but she noticed that I was panicking, and she took the packages from me. She told me to jet, that she knew I'd repay her some day. I was pretty bent out of shape and she did the one thing that could've helped me. I'm afraid to say that I don't think I ever fully paid her back for all of the things that girl did for me. She kept me real, showed me that my problems could be fixed, that it could get better. But she also gave me something else, something better than all of that. She gave me a friendship that I never knew I could have. I just wish that I could've shown her exactly what that meant to me. I just wish that my Boo would've gotten the chance to have so much more, because Lord knows that she deserved it. She never understood the power she had over people, and I just wish that I could've made her see that...that there were people that loved her with all their hearts, and..."Cindy stopped then, her words too choked with emotion to allow her to continue. Herbal walked to Cindy's side and put his arms around her, holding her tight.

"She knew, girl." He whispered gently, "She knew."
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When the stories were done being told, and the tears had all been shed, the crowd started to dissipate. Somewhere in the midst of the people Cindy lost track of Logan, but as the crowd disappeared altogether, she noticed him sitting at a table near the corner.

"Hey boo." She greeted him softly, not wanting to disturb his thoughts. Looking up through a veil of tears Logan managed a weak smiled. "Mind if I sit wit ya?" At Logan's downward shake of his head, Cindy pulled out a chair and sat down heavily.

"What're ya thinking?"

"I'm thinking that the very first time I ever saw Max look completely comfortable it was at this very table." He looked at Cindy pointedly. "With you."

"Yeah, well, the girl sure liked to party, I'll give you that much."

"That's not what I meant." His words were so quiet that she could have pretended she hadn't heard him, but she knew that ignorance was not bliss in this case.

"I knew what you meant, boy."

"Even so, I just wanted to tell you that you did repay her. You were the first real friend she ever had, and that meant the world to her."

Cindy didn't trust herself to respond right away and so a sad silence filled the air as each person contemplated their loss.

"She wouldn't want this to stop you, you know."

Cindy's statement caught Logan off guard, and he looked at her in confusion. "What?"

"The last thing she would've wanted would be for you to ruin your life on account of the people at Manticore."

"I'm not ruining my life on account of the people at Manticore."

Cindy sighed, "She wouldn't want you to wreck it on her, either."

At Logan's silence, Cindy placed her hand lightly over his. "There was a fire in you, boy, and that's what she fell for. Now, I know for a fact that if my Boo saw you right now, it would hurt her a lot more than a bullet in the chest would. All she wanted was to see that fire every day of her life. Now, you may not be able to see her, but she can see you, and I can tell you this; she's gotta be lookin' down with tears in her eyes because of what you're puttin' yourself through. This is not your fault."

"Like hell it isn't." Logan's sudden ferocity would have made most people shrink back in fear, but Cindy was not going to give up that easily.

"Boo, I know what you're feeling. But trust me on this one. You have to be strong." Leaning in, Cindy whispered her last words with a fervor. "If you let that bullet kill that fire then Manticore has won, 'cause honestly that's why she went there. To have a chance at seeing that fire everyday for the rest of her life." Standing, Cindy tried one last time. "Please Boo, don't let 'em win."

And with that Cindy turned on her heel and disappeared out the door.

Staring after her, Logan's mind whirled in frustration. The bullet had killed him, he had been shot just as bad as Max had, but Cindy was right. He couldn't let Manticore win. If his sleepless nights had taught him one thing, it was that hope was still alive. No matter how he tried to convince himself to look at reality, the Eyes Only in him was coming out, telling him that hope could never be killed. More than likely, Max was lost to him forever, but there was a faint glimmer there. If anyone could revive a person with a giant hole in their heart, it would be Manticore. And if anyone could survive such a procedure, then it would be Max. Maybe he was just kidding himself, but he knew what Max was capable of. And even if his dreams never would become reality, there was still something he could do. Max would not have died in vain.

Manticore was going down. Hard.