Title:  Christmas Reflections

Author: Yih

Written: December 20/21/22/24, 2000

Dedication: To my Reviewers.  Thankyou (intentional)

Disclaimer: All rights are Cameron and Eglee, except for the scenes and phrases of the following characters: Max, Logan, Kendra, and Zach. 

"Hi Max, I need you to do me a favor."

I stared out into the black night as someone touched my shoulder from behind. 

I dropped the phone and I turned around. 

I whispered his familiar name, "Zach—"

He leaned down to pick up the phone and he murmured warmly, "Whoever this is—Max is being made temporarily unavailable."

"Who is this?  Whoever this is—don't you dare hang up?!  Don't you understand that--" demanded Logan imperatively. 

I watched Zach hang up the phone with force and I could only imagine how Logan must have reacted. 

I chastised Zach gently, "You shouldn't have done that.  He might have had something important to tell me."

Zach cupped my face into his large hands.  "That was Logan wasn't it?"

I nodded. 

He grinned, "That guy should realize that you aren't accessible to him at his beck and call.  You are Max.  You're your own person."

I felt like purring as he stroke my face ever so tenderly.   Instead I merely shrugged, "He knows.  He knows what I'm about."

Zach's eyebrow raised up slightly and he chuckled, "I know exactly what you're about."

I don't believe I've heard him laugh so lightheartedly, since—since never.  My hand found its way through his thick, wavy blond hair.  I softly stated, "Why did you--?"

He cut me off by leaning into me, pressing me against the wall. 

I was silenced as he tilted his head and let his lips tell me what he wanted me to talk about. 

He kissed me. 

It was a very sweet kiss.  It was an unsure, sort of testing kiss.  It was unlike Zach. 

The smile on his face after the kiss swept my mind away.  I didn't say anything for a long while. 

He didn't say anything at all, he just gazed at me for a very long time.  He was trying to—trying to look inside me. 

My tongue licked my lips, "You tasted good."

He smiled, "You tasted good, too."

After the small exchange, things got awkward for us. 

I blurt out the question that had been plaguing my mind, "Are you going to stay?" 

I waited for his answer. 

It never came. 

I woke up. 

That had been a very strange dream.  I leisurely stretched my sleepy body as I yawned tiredly.  I usually didn't sleep this much, but Logan's last urgent request had been more than I had expected.  Although I didn't usually expect much.  I wasn't a genetically altered killing machine for anything.  I took everything as a given; they fell without me breaking a sweat.  This time I did sweat.  I guess I am mortal. 

I had just given myself my daily dosage of tryptophan when Logan decided to beep me.  I threw the beeper to the wall and groaned loudly, "Boy, you never do give it a rest even on Christmas Eve, do you Logan?"

My beeper rang again a few minutes later and I got out of bed.  I dialed Logan's number as Kendra stated, "Calling that boy of yours, again?"

I turned my back to her and said nothing as Logan asked, "Max-- it's you isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's me.  Why do you need to ask?"  I asked with curiosity. 

He cut right to the chase.  "I need you to come over."

"Another favor, Logan?"  I said cattily.  "I need to start charging you, at least for the phone and beeper bills," I muttered. 

He chuckled before responding, "I expect you over hear ASAP."

I threw the phone at Kendra and ran to my motorcycle. 

She glared at me.  "Max, one day—you need to learn to say no to that guy!"

I waved as I jetted out of there.  I wonder what Logan wanted me to do this time?  Probably another stupid assignment.  Doesn't Mr. Eyes Only ever give it a rest even on Christmas?  Hmmm… What to get him for Christmas?  What to get him—what to get him.

I strolled into Logan's spacious living quarters.  As usual he was in the computer room doing who knows what to who.  He turned around and greeted me with a killer smile, "Hi."

"What do you want me to do now?" I asked wearily. 

He lifted an eyebrow.  "What makes you think I want something from you?"

"Cut the crap, Logan.  You always want me to do something for you."

He shrugged and inputted, "You don't know everything, Max.  Besides," he pointed to the nicely wrapped box to the side, "I just called you over to give you your Christmas present." 

I touched the bow, hesitantly.  I can't remember a time when a person had actually given me anything that was wrapped up in shiny, decorative paper.  I had always known about Christmas, but I hadn't known what it was about.  It was just another day on the calendar.  A day where all the scientists and most of the soldiers from Manticore left the compound.  We didn't do much that day.  All we did was sit in the barracks and wait for training to assume the next day.  I had never realized until I escaped what Christmas was really about. 

He shot me a reassuring smile.  "It's okay, Max.  It really is for you." 

"I can't accept this," I replied.  "I don't have anything for you."

The smile was still on his face.  "Christmas isn't about exchanging Max.  It's about giving." 

A wicked thought crossed my mind as I made him an offer.  "I'll accept the gift under one condition."

He was intrigued.  "And what is that one condition?"

"You have to let me take you to the very top of the Space Needle."

He gulped nervously and he tried to explain his fears, "I'm terrified of heights, Max."

"It's about time you got rid of those fears.  Call it my Christmas present to you."

"I don't know what to say," he replied. 

I smiled triumphantly.  "I know exactly what you should say, 'Max, take me to the Space Needle.'"

He shook his head.  "I don't think I was going to say that."

I used my eyes as persuasion as I let my brown eyes melt into mixture of sad regret that he wouldn't go.  "You really won't go?  I never thought Logan Cale, Mr. Eyes Only was—a coward."

"Fine!"  He exclaimed.  "I'll go."

I smiled brightly.  "You're going to have the time of your life, Logan."

He just thought of something and voiced it, "How am I suppose to get on the Space Needles in a wheelchair?"

I stared at his handicap before I said, "If necessary, I'll carry you."

Logan had a very strange look on his face as he cleared his voice.  "When are we going to do this?"

"How about this afternoon?" I threw out. 

"Well-- if I'm not dead, how about you stay for Christmas dinner?"

I nodded that I would be there.  As I sauntered out the room, I called out, "I'll open the present after dinner?"

I didn't see Logan's delighted smile because I was already out the door. 

As usual, Logan was on time as we met in the afternoon a few hours before his planned Christmas dinner. 

I smiled at him as I asked, "Ready to meet your fear, face-to-face?"

He shook his head in a clear 'No.'

I laughed and countered, "You're going to have to get over it sometime."

He nodded. 

"Well let's go."

He followed me as we used the more convenient way to the rooftop—the elevators.  It took less than a minute to get to the top and when the doors flew open, the cold wind made Logan shiver slightly.  I glanced at the tilted rooftop and I moved in front of him, blocking him for exiting the elevator.  

I suggested, "I think I'm going to have to carry you."

He gulped some saliva down his throat as he swept his arms around my neck.  A slight pink flush started at his forehead, making it way down to his slightly unshaven jaw.  He was extremely embarrassed to be carried by me. 

I laughed, "Logan, you can open your eyes."

I didn't even realized he had closed his eyes until we stood on the edge of the Space Needle's roof looking down on Seattle. 

He opened his eyes warily and he gulped down again, nervously.  "I think I've never been this scared and excited in my life."

I smiled brilliantly at him and exclaimed, "Well, it is an incredible view.  You can see everything from here."

He agreed with his own killer grin.  "It's a bit unsettling, how far you can see."

We didn't say anything for a long time after that.  We stood there.  Logan gazed at the world of Seattle above the Space Needle, carried by me.  And when he didn't notice, I stared at him.  He wasn't a bad looking guy.  I nearly laughed at that thought.  I wonder what he'd look like if he did actually shave away his entire jaw.  It would be interesting, but I think I like him better this way. 

I lost myself in staring at him and he broke my thoughts when he queried, "What are you staring at Max?"

My eyes were unfocused as I blinked.  "Oh, nothing."

"Ready to get out of here?"  Logan inquired.

"Too eager to get away from your fears?" my voice indicated slight disappointment at his enthusiasm. 

He shook his head in disagreement and he pointed to his watch.  "We should get back to my place.  Christmas dinner needs to be prepared you know."

"You're cooking?"

"I'm cooking."

And Logan really could cook.  I've tasted some of his specially made food before, but he went all out this time.  He made too much food, actually.  But it was all delicious.  I couldn't decide which I liked more.  All the dishes were uniquely flavored and tasty.  If I ate his cooking everyday, I think I'd go to fat.  But that thought didn't stop me from stuffing myself to a full stomach. 

I complimented as I finished the excellent desert.  "You really can cook, Logan."

He grinned and gestured to the Christmas present.  "Want to open it now?"

Strangely, I didn't want to open it.  I wanted to admire it for a few more hours, a few more days.  It was the first gift someone had ever given me.  I wonder if Logan had wrapped.  I replied as I buried my thoughts, "Okay."

"Why don't we go into the living room?"  he recommended. 

I pushed his wheelchair into the living room and he placed the present on my lap after I sat down in one of the chairs.  I touched the bow once again and caressed the wrapping paper.  I could feel Logan watching me.  I pulled the bow apart slowly.  I wanted to remember this moment.  This was the first gift I would unwrap.  And it won't be the last, with that thought I ripped open the paper with less care.  Logan smiled as I opened the top of the box. 

Inside the box was a card that I opened up and read:

Dear Max,

I didn't know what to get you.  So I picked something that at the worse you could sell on the black market. 

Merry Christmas.  It certainly won't be your last.  I'll always be there for you, Max—Logan Cale. 

I felt the tears well up in my eyes and I resisted the urge to shed them.  I forgot about the contents in the box, but Logan hadn't, he caught the box as I hugged him tightly.  I whispered into his eyes, my lips nearly touching his ear, "Thank you."

He smiled and he reminded me, "The content of your Christmas gift is fragile.  It will break with enough force."

I got off of him and he handed me the opened box again.  I discarded the red and green tissue paper.  Within the numerous tissue paper was a small, black pyramid.  It was only about the size of my palm.  I held it to the light and it shimmered.  I felt bottom had scratches.  I tipped it over and I found an inscription: angeL

He told me, "If you don't like it, it will sell well.  It's made of the best quality black diamonds." 

I laughed and hugged him once more.  I exclaimed, "It's a thoughtful gift.  I might not sell it, just yet."

I felt his arms move around me as he held me close for a second before letting go.  "I'm glad you like it."

I held the gift close to my heart when I noticed the mistletoe over Logan's head.  He had moved away from me after the hug and I think inadvertently passed right under the mistletoe.  I pointed to the mistletoe, "Looks like I'm going to have to kiss you."

He looked up and smiled, "It looks like you are."

I moved my body closer to him and bent my head down, my hair covering both of our faces in a shadow of darkness. 

Our second kiss. 

It was very tender—very gentle. 

Logan's hands stroked my face carefully before we withdrew from the embrace.  He touched his thumb to my wet lips and had the most beautiful smile on his face.  His voice was slightly hoarse as he mentioned, "It's late.  You'd better get going."

"Yeah," I murmured. 

I lingered for a moment before I again left without seeing his strangely sad smile. 

I pushed open the door to the apartment I shared with Kendra.  I nearly dropped Logan's gift on the floor.  Instead, I placed it on the table next to me and stared at what I saw in front of me.  I whispered the question, "Are you real?"

Zach grinned his answer and finally muttered, "Yeah."

I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to laugh.  I wanted to do all these things at the same time. 

I settled for lunging at him and knocking him backwards with a powerful bear hug.  He looked slightly stunned as I rushed at him, but he opened his arms up just in time as I crashed against him.  Then he remember the rose and carefully disentangled it from between our bodies.  But he didn't let go of me.  He smiled and explained, "These are hard to find, you know."

I stared at the rose with a questioning look and he continued, "Merry Christmas, Max." 

I withdrew from the warm hug and he handed me the rose.  I didn't know what to say.  I manage to choke out, "Thank you."

He nodded and moved towards the door.  It took me a moment to realize he was leaving.  I exclaimed, "Where are you going?"

"I can't stay here," he answered.  "You don't have the space." 

"You can stay in my room," I offered as I put the rose into a vase. 

His eyebrow went up, it annoyed me.  "You can have the left side; I'll get the right side.  My bed's big enough for two people."

"You would know?"

I thought about the instance with the slob that had fallen asleep in my bed and he had thought we actually had sex.  I answered truthfully, "Yes I would."

His eyes glisten with curiosity, but I didn't feel the need to explain.  "Come on, let's get some sleep.  You need the rest."

He was about to argue, but the black circle under his eyes made him reconsider and he finally let me lead him into my bedroom.  He sat on the bed and I went into the bathroom to change into a more comfortable outfit to sleep in.  When I finally came out his voice was hoarse, "Is that all you're wearing?"

I examined myself.  I was wearing a shirt and shorts.  And since I didn't see what his problem was I retorted, "Yeah.  Shove over, Zach, I said I'd get right."

He shrugged and he moved to the left side.  I settled into the cozy blankets, but Zach kept his body above the covers.  I turned to look at him and I waited until he finally turned his back from me.  We stared at each other for a long time and Zach murmured, "I knew you were at Logan's.  What did he get you?"

I thought I heard a tinge of jealousy, but it could be over so many things that I decided to not goad him.  "The pyramid I almost dropped earlier."

He commented, "It was beautiful."

"Yeah," I replied.  "The rose was thoughtful, Zach."

He smiled and he reached with his hand to touch me, but he didn't.  He quickly withdrew it to his side and I stared questioningly at him.  He didn't explain either.  He turned around and began snoring.  Whatever he was about to do and hadn't, he didn't want to talk about it.  I let him have his way and I turned to my side, my back facing his.  It was going to be a long night. 

I stretch leisurely the next morning and my fist knocked into Zach's nose.  He woke up abruptly and found half my body was sprawled on him.  He coughed and I finished stretching and got up.  I asked, "What do you want for breakfast?"

He shrugged.  I said, "Okay.  Can we talk?"

He shrugged.  I asked again, "Can we talk?"

He nodded.  I smiled, "Good.  Get out of bed."

He got out of bed.  "What do you want to talk about Max?" he queried once we were sitting on the bed.

"We're friends right?"

He nodded with a grin, "Of course."

"Are you okay?" I asked with concern. 

"From the escape?  Yes, it was easy."

It wasn't what I had meant.  I meant if he was okay that I had gone back to Logan and left him there after he had just semi-confessed what he felt for me.  I smiled, "I was sure you weren't dead.  I didn't have the feeling you were dead.  And you weren't.  Why did you come back?"

He didn't say anything for a minute, "Just to see if you were okay."

My smile was still on my face, "You're the best brother I could have."

I didn't know why I said that, but the small grin that had been on his face became strained.  I smoothly switched topics, "Do you remember Christmas at Manticore?"

He nodded.  I continued, "Was it really as lonely and cold as I remember it?"

He asked me, "What do you remember about it?"

"I remember," I responded, "that the scientists and most of the guards left.  We were left in the barracks under the lock.  We weren't let out.  Most of us just sat there doing nothing.  We didn't talk.  We didn't move.  We were under orders to be quiet and still.  Was it really that awful?"

"Yes."  His grin faded, but his voice was still warm, "You were the rebel.  When you were younger you use to walk around shaking people.  I think you knew they wouldn't do anything if you disobeyed, especially since there were such few guards.  But you eventually became silent and still like everyone else.  The day was deathly boring after that."

"I don't remember that." 

The smile on his face was sad, "No, I suppose you were too young.  It's one of my first memories of you."

I wanted to do something to wipe that sad smile on his face.  I wanted to replace it with a dynamic grin of happiness, of laughter, of love?  I didn't know about that. 

He stood up and he finally touched my face.  He lifted my face up and I thought he was going to kiss me, but I was mistaken.  He caressed my cheek for a brief second and he finally said something, "I've got to get going, Max.  I stayed here longer than I should."

"Do you really have to go?"

"Yes.  I would ask you to go with me," his words sounded different this time to me, "but I know you wouldn't go.  Besides," no, his words were still the same, "we'd have to depart different ways as soon as we hit the border." 

I wanted to tell him that his arriving in time for Christmas had been the greatest Christmas gift he could give me.  I had turned my back to him because I didn't want him to see the look on my face.  The look I might have on my face.  Because I didn't know who I wanted more.  Logan or Zach.  They were both wonderful to me.  Logan helped me every way he could, he cared for me, and he showed me he cared.  Zach protected me, he watched out for me, and he cared for me in some way. 

He whispered, "Good-bye Max."

I whirled around.  He leapt to the ground with cat-like ease.  I watched as he ran into the shadows of the alleys and disappeared again.  I wonder how many more times he would disappear because I didn't doubt he was coming back.  He had questions, like mine that he needed to answer.  And the only way to answer them was to keep coming back. 

I wonder when. 

My beeper rang. 

It was Logan. 

Author's Note: I wanted to have this out by Saturday, but I've been releasing so much lately it fell slightly behind schedule.  For a moment I thought I couldn't release this as a Christmas fanfic and that would just RUIN it.  Obviously!  Anyway, I might do a New Year's Reflection (in Zach's POV about this and whether he will appear again?)  Anyways, Reflections 2 is in the making as soon as DA has about 2 to 4 episodes.  I hope the length suits you guys because it's a lot longer than I normally write for my other fanfictions!  Enjoy!  R+R please!

P.S. The spelling of "Zach" could be that or Zack, but I prefer my spelling.  I don't know why I like it better, so it's easier for me to write.  If you don't like it use find/change to change it to your preference!

Remember: Reviewing is Doing the Giving to Caring authors Slaving over Working on Writing fanfics!