The Trip of a Life (Death) Time

Author: Quin Firefrorefiddle

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the movie, just borrowing them.

Summary: Very very dark, not happy shiny fluffy fun stuff. Enter at your own risk.

Rating: PG-13 for dark thoughts.

Sometimes I have to wonder, what would it be like to just let go? Just drift away, and not look back?

Other people have died, I will someday, why not now? Why not choose to instead of having it forced upon me? The when and why and how are all I can control, the if is not debatable. What does living gain me?

I've lost my brother, the only person who ever bothered to understand me. Trin's a good friend and Morpheus more than makes up for my father, but with mom dead and Dozer gone, I've got no real family. Isn't that what mom always said, "Family's the most important thing you've got, son, keep tight hold on it or you'll get lost."

What, should I stay alive? Just so tomorrow morning I can look in the mirror and see my face? Me, who couldn't stop Cypher in time to save Switch and Apoc, let alone Mouse? How many close calls have there been when I'm so tired I barely find an exit for them in time?

Trin is so caught up in Neo that she can't see anybody else's soul right now, but that's how it should be. Morpheus is so busy trying to talk to Zion and directing the rest of us that he barely sleeps. Well, less than usual, anyway. And Neo, Neo's just getting used to being alive.

Nobody has time for me. Nobody asked what it did to me to watch my big brother die, to kill his murderer.

To kill. I'd never done that before. Is it right that my first time was something I enjoyed? I got a thrill out of it, I enjoyed it, it was FUN!

Do I deserve to live when so many others died?

Back in training, they told us about survivor's guilt. They told us to watch for it in our shipmates and ourselves. They said it's the worst kind of guilt trip you can send yourself on, and that it can lead to horrible consequences.

They never told us what to do with it.

Isn't it my choice if I can live or die? I'm just another soldier, the Oracle told me that.

"Son, you're going to have problems, you're going to have tragedy, you're going to have hard decisions. And they're going to be your problems and tragedies and decisions, nobody else can do them for you. I hate to be blunt with a sweet kid like you, but life isn't a cakewalk. You're another soldier, one of many, but also one of very, very few. Important people will trust you, and you're going to listen to things you don't want to hear. But you've got to, kid, because it's who you are."

All I've ever been is somebody to help somebody else. I've never been special, never been important, just know some pretty influential people. I've never used that to be important, I don't need that kind of thing.

Or do I? The Oracle can't tell us everything. She certainly didn't tell me everything. She just made it sound like she did. She never told me who I am.

No one ever has.

Mama? I'm lost.