TITLE: Crosses To Bear (12/?)

AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker

EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com

RATING: R

PAIRING: B/L

SUMMARY: Buffy is with Lindsey for a year to get Faith out of jail, and Angel's recently found out.

FEEDBACK: I do the dance of joy upon receipt of feedback.

DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.

DISTRIBUTION: All the usual suspects. All others, please ask first.

DEDICATION: To Jodi, for giving this a chance. Thank you hon.

Buffy couldn't sit still. It had been an hour since she kicked Wesley out of her apartment, and she couldn't get her hands to stop shaking.

Seeing Faith and Angel again had been hard enough, but there was a purpose to it. They were part of the plan, part of this new world she had created for herself.

Wesley was not. Wesley was a throwback to the Buffy she used to be; the Buffy of Sunnydale who would never do what she was doing now.

He reminded her of the last of her innocence that she had lost through this all.

She paced the apartment, tidying up the mess she had made throughout the day and waiting for Lindsey to come home. She checked her watch constantly even though she knew he didn't have a set schedule. Some nights he would come home at 6, others after midnight. She suspected that if she weren't around, he wouldn't come home at all some nights.

She was dusting the countertop when she heard his key in the lock, and her hand stopped mid-wipe to watch him enter.

"Hey," he said as he walked through the door, his tie loosened and his blazer draped across his right arm.

"Hey," she said back, her heart beating fast. She still had to tell him about what happened with Wesley, and he didn't look like he was in the best of moods. "Long day?" She looked to her watch. It was after 7.

"Not really," he said, throwing his jacket onto the couch and heading for the cabinets behind her. He passed her without speaking and opened the doors to reveal a bottle of scotch. "Want some?" he asked her, reaching over for a glass and filling it half way.

"No thanks," Buffy said, shrugging. "Alcohol and me are not a pleasant combination. Trust me."

Lindsey nodded, and moved over to the couch. "Buffy, we need to talk."

"Talk?" Buffy asked, following him across the room and sitting in the chair across from him. "Yeah. I guess we do. Something happened after we talked last."

Lindsey raised the glass to his lips and took a quick sip, enjoying the burning feeling that snaked down his throat. He looked around the room and noted the flowers on the dining room table. "I see you got them."

"Oh," Buffy said, her eyes gazing at the arrangement. "Yeah. They're- they're great."

"You didn't like them?" Lindsey asked, cupping the glass and staring at her. "Is that why you didn't call me?"

"I was supposed to call?" she asked, looking embarrassed. "God, I'm sorry. It's just- I've never really gotten flowers before." She stopped, looking down at her hands. "Well, once." She cleared her throat, looking up uncomfortably. "But they weren't exactly the kind you called to thank someone for."

"What kind of flowers were they?" Lindsey asked, confused.

"The preview to your death kind," she said, sighing. "Angel sent them to me when- well, when-" She looked away. "Well, you know."

"Yeah," he said, leaning forward and taking her hand. "I know." They stared at each other for another moment before he leaned back and raised the glass to his lips for another drink. "So what happened then?"

"After he sent me the flowers?" Buffy asked, confused.

"No. After I sent you mine," Lindsey said. "You said something happened."

"Oh," Buffy said, nodding. "Yeah. Seems I was quite the popular girl today. I mean, first Kate came to see me-"

Lindsey flinched, but continued to listen.

"-and then Wesley stopped by," Buffy finished. "He knows about what happened in Sunnydale- why I left. I mean, why I said I left."

"We figured that would happen," Lindsey said, putting the drink down in front of him and sitting back. "You remembered what I told you about the possibility of one of Angel's partners coming to see you, right?"

"Stay cool. Don't give anything away," Buffy repeated. "And I tried, but-"

"But?" Lindsey asked, sitting up quickly. "What happened?" His head started to swim as he imagined all the different things that could have gone wrong.

"I didn't give anything away, Lindsey," Buffy said, getting up and beginning to pace the room again. "But I lost my cool. He started to question you and tell me that you weren't good for me, and I got upset."

Lindsey took a deep breath and felt his pulse begin to slow. For a moment, he thought it was all going to end, and that scared him for more reasons than he would like to admit. One in particular...

"It's alright," Lindsey said, getting up and moving to where she stood across the room. "As long as you didn't give anything away."

"I didn't," she said, looking at him. "I think I even made him believe it was real. It didn't end well tho. I kind of kicked him out," she said, sighing.

"That's OK," Lindsey said. "It's good actually."

"Good? How is it good? I was such a bitch to him, Lindsey. That's not who I am." She looked at him, and watched as he turned away. "Or is it? Is that who I am now? Is that who you want me to be?"

"No," Lindsey said. "Of course not. It's just we can't have you having them over for tea, either. You know you can't be close to them- or friendly. It's all part of it, remember?"

"Yeah," Buffy said, moving away from him and towards the window. "I do."

"Good," Lindsey said, trying not to notice how hurt she looked, but he couldn't help it. "Listen, I'm sorry."

Buffy turned around suddenly and moved past him. "Whatever."

"Buffy-" Lindsey said, his voice tender. "I don't want you to be upset."

"No. You just need me to be," Buffy said harshly. "This whole plan is about hurting me as much as it's about hurting him, right? I mean, I'm sure your bosses are just loving that the slayer's getting fucked on this one."

"That's not true," Lindsey said, although he suspected she was right. "It's just-"

"It's just what, Lindsey?" She turned away, her hands shaking more than ever. "Look, I don't want to fight. It's just- seeing him made things harder for me. Especially after last night, and everything. This isn't easy for me, you know?"

"I know," Lindsey said, moving closer to her and putting his hand on her shoulder. "I wish you didn't have to get hurt to make this work."

"Yeah well, that makes two of us," Buffy said, sighing. "It's just not getting any easier."

"And it won't," Lindsey said, his voice soothing although his words were anything but. He moved his hands across her waist and held her to him. "But you can do it. You're stronger than anything that's going to be thrown at you."

"I don't know," Buffy said, leaning her head back against his shoulder. "I'd like to think so, but-"

"Shh," Lindsey said, softly brushing his lips against her cheek. He held her for a moment before his eyes caught sight of something across the room and he pulled back a bit.

"What is it?" Buffy asked, turning around and looking at him.

"Nothing," Lindsey answered. But his eyes remained transfixed on the pitcher atop the mantle and what looked like a small camera lens inside the basin underneath. Had Holland never told him of the surveillance, he would never have noticed it. But now, he knew they were being watched. He had to play the part to perfection.

"We need to talk," Lindsey said, moving back to the couch and sitting down. "There's been a slight change of plan. It doesn't really involve you, but you need to know about it."

"Um," Buffy said, confused by Lindsey's sudden change in demeanor. "Ok. What's the what?"

"It's about Kate," Lindsey started, picking up the glass again and taking a long sip. "She's been a thorn in Wolfram & Hart's side since the day she got a desk at the LAPD. But lately, her hatred for Angel has outgrown her hatred for our organization, and we see that as a valuable asset."

"We do, do we?" Buffy asked, sitting back across from him with her arms and legs crossed. She hated when Lindsey was like this; nothing more than a voice for Wolfram & Hart.

"Yes," Lindsey said, clearing his throat. "But it's not enough that she hate him. We need her on our side, and we've decided that the best way to do that is for me to seduce her."

Lindsey stopped, moving to take another sip but grimacing when he saw his glass was empty. "So I'm going to see her tomorrow and, if all goes well, I won't be coming home. Not until morning, at least." He looked at her. "Do you understand?"

Buffy stared at Lindsey, uncomprehending. Her mind was flooded with a million different thoughts and emotions, all struggling to be the one to come out in response. "Fine," she said, gritting her teeth. "Whatever. You two can go off and get married for all I care."

"Buffy," Lindsey said, noting her annoyance. "We have no loyalties to each other. No real ones, at least."

Although she knew she had no right to, and that he was correct, she couldn't help but feel stung by his words. "Thanks for the reminder. You know, for a minute there, I was stupid enough to forget it," she said, getting up and heading towards the door. "I'm going to go patrol. I'll be back before curfew," she said.

"Buffy," Lindsey called out, getting up and walking over to her. "Listen, I'm sorry if that came across harsher than I intended. We just need to keep our eye on the ball and remember what's important."


"Important to you," Buffy reminded him. "The only thing that's important to me anymore is Faith. And knowing that she's alright is the only thing keeping me from bashing your face in right now."

"You need to calm down, Buffy," Lindsey said, reaching out to her, but she swatted his hand away. "Listen. Please," he pleaded.

She sighed. "What? What do you possibly have to say?"

"How about I don't want this either?" he said, his voice low. He moved in closer, his voice dropping again. "You think I want to be with her? I don't. And what I said before- about loyalties-" He sighed. "I didn't mean it. I know I should, but I didn't."

"This is all so complicated," Buffy said, looking down. "I don't want to care for you. There's no reason I should."

"Thanks," Lindsey said, smiling.


"Come on Lindsey," Buffy said, cocking her head to the side. "Maybe if you were a normal guy, and I was a normal girl and we just met somewhere, but with everything going on, with this whole thing-"

"I know," Lindsey said, nodding. "We can't let them know. We have to make them think that there's nothing between us."

"I don't know what there is between us, Lindsey. There's a lot of different things. I just know that I don't want you to be with her."

"I don't either. But I have to, Buffy." Lindsey reached down to cup her face gently. "Do you understand? This is my sacrifice."

Buffy nodded, looking down. "We're so stupid," she said, laughing. "As if this whole thing isn't complicated enough. I have to act like I care about you in front of one person, and act like I don't in front of another."

"I know," he said, leaning in and kissing her softly. His hands moved through her hair, and he felt her hands move across his waist. He deepened the kiss and she began to respond, but suddenly backed away instead.

"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head. "I just can't. I can't get any more confused than I already am."

"I understand," Lindsey said, taking a deep breath. Only a moment close to her got him more excited than he would rather be. "Go patrol. I have some work to do."

Buffy nodded. "I'm sorry," she said again as she walked to the door. She paused for a moment with her hand on the doorknob, waiting for him to say something. She was about to turn around and change her mind when she heard his office door slam shut.

She walked out the door, unsure of where exactly she was heading.

+++++

Angel and Faith had been making their way through the sewers underneath the city for hours. Angel had cursed each time he had made a wrong turn, and Faith was growing more annoyed with each minute that passed.

"Angel, I'm pretty sure it's dark now. Why don't we just go above ground and go wherever we're goin' from there?" Faith asked as they turned around yet again.

"I know where I'm going, damnit," Angel barked.


Faith crossed her arms as she followed him, willing to give him only five more minutes. Or five more wrong turns, whichever came first. "You been to this place before?"

"All the time," Angel said. "I'm just-" He stopped, sighing. "I'm just not thinking very clearly right now."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Faith said sarcastically. "Listen. I'm gonna go above ground. If you want to follow, go right ahead. Probably best since I have no idea where the hell I'm going. But hey, if you want to kick around here with the rats and keep getting lost, that's fine with me too. I'm sure there's a good club around here somewhere."

"Faith," Angel said, sighing. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Whatever," Faith said, shrugging. "Why not?"

"Because we're here," Angel said, swinging open the door that Faith had hardly noticed. "Welcome to Caritas."


TBC...