Chapter 9 The Beginning of Something

Disclaimer: Don't own them....never have ...never will! Marina and Lindsey finished putting away the dishes after a particularly splendid dinner, which Bobby and Lindsey FINALLY were invited for. Marina didn't mean to let it slide for so long, but she was feeling very down and wasn't spending time with anyone. Even her relationship with Jimmy had been put on the back burner. She spent all of her time on the computer and her phone, counseling clients and working on tax law. Bobby had been haranguing her to talk to him, but the lump of emotion that had shown up the night Judge Kittleson was over hadn't gotten any better. In fact, working and separating herself from everyone was the only way to keep the tears in check. She choked up when anyone spoke to her, especially Jimmy, so she held him at arms length. She knew he was confused, but she couldn't bring herself to talk to him. Every time she felt herself getting close, a voice in her head told her to back off and leave him to his own life. She was pleasant, but cordial, and didn't feel she could let him get as close as they were beginning to become. But the toll of holding it all in was beginning to show on her. Her eyes were dark and shadowed, with black circles underneath, getting darker by the day. It was apparent she wasn't sleeping, but no one knew what to do about it. Jimmy tried, Bobby lectured and tried to get her to talk to him, but it was useless. She just smiled and isolated herself all the more. Lindsey tried to get Marina to talk. She took a cup from Marina as they dried the dishes and said,"Marina....I know you've heard it all before, but you really need to talk to someone. We are all really worried about you. Please get some help." Marina smiled indulgently, as though she had heard it all before, and gave her routine answer, "I'm doing fine, Lindsey. I'm working through all this stuff myself." "You are NOT doing fine! You look like you haven't slept in weeks, you barely eat, and you work all the time! You aren't doing fine." "So, basically, I am living exactly the same way I did before." She went to the refrigerator and pulled out two beers and two Smirnoff Ices' and began to pour them in their respective glasses. Lindsey helped and took two of the drinks. "Please talk to Bobby," she said. "It would really ease his mind if he thought he could help you." Marina nodded, but had no intention to. She had her own way of dealing with things, was extremely stubborn, and in her state of mind, was convinced backing off was the best way to go. She grabbed the other two drinks and they went into the living room. She handed a beer to Jimmy and sat on the couch. The four of them discussed cases, the benefits of tax law verses criminal law, and a recent show Bobby and Lindsey had been to, but Bobby's eyes continued to rest on his sister and he knew, he just KNEW, that she was close to an emotional collapse. After several hours, the conversation began to wind down and Marina grabbed the empty glasses and headed to the kitchen. Bobby took this opportunity to follow. "Hey." He said. "Hey, " she answered, without turning around. "So when are you going to let me in again?" He went up behind her and took her by the shoulders, turning her around. " Reenie, I miss you. Please." She looked down and felt the lump begin to build again in her throat. Bobby please, she thought. Don't push me. If these floodgates open, I may never be able to shut them again. Please....... don't. "I'm not keeping you out, Bobby. I talk to you almost every day." "You're keeping everybody out! You won't let anyone get close! And yeah, you talk to me, but you don't TALK to me, you know? Not like you used to. Please get some help. Get some counseling. Please? For me?" he looked at her intently. "OK," she finally said, once she thought she could control her voice without shaking. "OK. I will." He backed off. not because he believed her--he knew she was lying--but if he was pushing her so hard that she would lie to him, he knew he had to back off. "OK, look. At least come back to the office to work. Its not good for you to be alone so much. I'd feel better if I knew you were with other people more. OK?" This was an interesting compromise. Maybe this would work. She could still work basically alone, and he would have the illusion of having some control....maybe this would work. And it was infinitely better than counseling. "Well," she said. "Allright. I'll come in next week." He knew her too well. "You'll come in tomorrow. If you wait, you won't do it. I'll see you in the morning." He put his arms around her to hug her, and she stiffened. She didn't meant to, but she was so guarded, so sealed off, that she couldn't help it. He pulled away, surprised and a little hurt. "I'll see you tomorrow then," he said She nodded and watched him leave. She didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but she couldn't help it. She had nothing to give anyone. All of her resources were going into holding herself together, and she had none to spare for anyone else right now. -------------------------------------------------------- She walked into the offices of Donnell, Young, Dole, and Frutt the next morning to smiles, hugs, and warm welcomes. She was afraid it would feel wierd to be back, but it wasn't as bad as she thought. And Bobby was right, it did feel good to be with other people again. She got back to her desk and got to work on her computer. The first email she noticed was from Jimmy It simply said, "Welcome back." She looked up over her desk and smiled at him. "Thanks, " she said. He smiled back at her. She sent him a note back that said, "I am glad I am here. This feels right." And so it did. Gradually she was able to joke, bicker, and laugh along with the rest of them. Bobby felt immense relief as he watched her. She seemed a lot freer than she had before. He was glad she was there, and he could be there if he needed her. But it wasn't Bobby that Marina was confiding in...it was Jimmy, via email. It was funny, really. their desks were two feet apart, and yet they sent proverbial piles of email back and forth to each other every day. Some of it was teasing, joking, but most of it was personal and emotional. On both sides. They never discussed what they wrote or each other after hours or any other time -- it was as if there was another relationship going on that they didn't acknowledge. But all Bobby knew was that his sister was laughing again. He thought that maybe she had indeed gotten counseling. As he watched her, he felt she was ready to get back into the courtroom. After about two weeks of Marina being back in the office, Bobby tossed a file at her during a staff meeting. "I want you to second chair this," he told her. She nodded and opened the file to read. The others went about their meeting. Eugene had a messy murder trial he needed to discuss, Rebecca was working on getting a deal for a drug dealer, and Lindsey was helping out a friend on a case against a cigar manufacturer. Marina waited for a lull in the conversation. "Is this true?" she asked. "What?" replied Bobby. "Our.....client. He threw an 9 month infant against a wall?" "Well, yeah." "And he confessed?" she asked, her voice neutral. "Yeah, "said Bobby. "But I think we can get the confession thrown out. There's an issue about Miranda rights, and....." She stood up. "yeah....ok. yeah. Lets get this guy back on the streets, by all means. I mean, we wouldn't want his priors coming in, would we?" She opened the file. "Armed robbery, possession with intent to distribute, what else...Rape, maybe?" he voice was rising, becoming slightly hysterical. Bobby looked at her,"Marina, sit down. If you don't want to help on this case, you don't have to. Lets talk about it." "Oh, no! Why wouldn't I want to help? I mean... a baby is dead....right? But why would we want to see this guy go to jail? I am the great Marina Donnell, right? I can get them all off....murderers, druggies, rapists....they all come to me and I send them back to the streets." "Marina! Sit down!" Bobby commanded. they were all looking at her, frightened at her loss of control, but ironically, she seemed perfectly in control. The neutrality of voice just added to the eeriness of the situation. She took the file and threw it at him as hard as she could. It bounced off the wall behind him. "Fuck you, Bobby! You're no different! He was your client! How many times had he raped before he came to me? How many time had YOU gotten him off?" She was screaming at him now and he had gone completely white. She squared her shoulders and took a breath. Her voice was back to normal and the control was hers again. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go home and take a shower. I suddenly feel very dirty." And she turned and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Bobby sunk into his chair, running his hands through his hair. He looked up. Everyone was sitting in stunned silence, looking very uncomfortable. Bobby looked at Jimmy. "Did you see that coming?" he asked. "No, " Jimmy answered, getting up. "But I should have." And he followed her out.