********
Foreword
********

Yes, this is another well delayed smattering of fanfiction.
This chapter has been in the making for well over two years, ever since
I started writing this series. To those who have been reading (and perhaps
waiting) for the conclusion, I humbly offer it to you now. Because of
circumstances outside my control, this is going to be my final work. If
you've been following the story, I ask that you read the author's notes at
the end.
Come for the fic. Stay for the credits.


Disclaimer: Everything associated with Sailor Moon is in no way, shape, or form
owned by me. I don't intend to make any money off of this; that's up to the
larger than life corporations out there. All that jazz about Sailor Moon in tons
of disclaimers out there apply.


email: doniswong@hotmail.com

Rating: R (cussing, violence)








"Clean"
Chapter 8

Finale


A fanfic
by

Don







Worlds spiraled by me. Colors, forms, thoughts and blood glowed in an
odd perforation unnatural to the human eye. Chills both physical and
figurative shot through my marrow like an unwanted transfusion of cancerous
sanguine. I felt my body rip itself apart, a disturbingly familiar sense of
pain and disjointment overtaking my battered spirit. When I couldn't stand
it anymore, when my eyes rolled into the back of my shattered head, when I
collapsed to the unseen ground, my body slammed back into reality with a
force not unlike a runaway train greeting a wall of cement.
Time travel - what a bitch.
I took a few moments to catch my breath. Beads of sweat flooded down my
brow, its source somewhere from my matted hair. Focus was a foreign
concept: despite my dead stare into one single place, nausea simmered in my
gut waiting to boil over.
Never did I so want to kill Setsuna.
A gentle hand caressed my back in that motherly way, comforting me like
a nourished baby. And like the baby, I couldn't resist the desire to burp,
but what came out was definitely not a cute expulsion of gas.
"Easy, Minako," cooed Setsuna, "Don't try to overexert yourself."
Rivers of flame coursed through my veins; the wave of sickness washed
away like a blood stain. Maybe it was the scar of bad memories, maybe it
was the years of sly manipulation, maybe it was because she stood for
something I no longer believed in, but reason skitter away from my flimsy
grasp.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!"
At least, that's what I intended to shout. Instead, a strangled gurgle
escaped my bile-filled throat; it was followed by a dismissive sprint in a
random direction, namely, "away from the voice." Unbeknownst to me, we were
on a tall building and I was hurling myself over the ledge.
The same motherly hand stiffened into an iron, vice-like grip, fully
reminding me who I was with.
When my world remerged into one, I found myself peering into slightly
worried but otherwise unreadable magenta eyes. Her figure loomed above like
me the sun and the moon, her figure becoming my world. Somehow, the
sensation wasn't all so unfamiliar.
She helped me up, her face assuming the infamous "You have questions
and I have answers" expression.
Where are we? When are we? Can I go away now? Can't you just go away?
Why am I here? Why are you here? What do plan on doing to me? Did you tell
the others? Are you going to drag me back to Crystal Tokyo?
"Why does time travel make me feel like... like... this?"
She shook her head and smiled. "You get used it after a while."
We stayed like that for agonizing minutes. I refused to cave, refused
to give in to those nagging sensations known as curiosity and anxiety. I
had bent and swayed to the whims and wills of others for all my life, but
now, I had finally stood up for myself. It might have been a stupid and
agonizing stand, but I wouldn't - couldn't - go back to playing their
games... any of their games.
Besides, a slave could become a freeman, but a freeman could never
become a slave.
She reminded me of my gilded cage.
She held me back from myself.
"Don't you want to know why you're here?" she asked, hints of surprise
in her voice.
I snorted and threw my hair back. "If you know my questions, then why
should I even need to ask?"
"Because I don't know everything."
"How can you not know everything?" I stalked up to her aiming my most
authoritative gaze in her direction. "You've always had that omniscient
expression on your face. You've always shown at the most opportune of times
to pull us out of trouble. You've always said you're privileged to
information even we aren't suppose to see. For God's sake woman, YOU are
the Guardian of Time!"
"Guardian," she emphasized, "Not master."
Not master. Hmph. Sometimes, I wondered, "How far from the truth is
that?"
Apparently, she caught my grumblings and prepared for another one of
her patented patient-but-getting-annoyed replies.
I cut her off at the pass. "Fine. I'll fall back into our parlay
routine, if only to entertain your superior ego. This is a war I simply
can't hope to win."
"And what is that suppose to mean?"
What did I mean? What infinitely compulsive grain of my mind screamed
out that line? Wasn't I tired of fighting? Didn't I wish for peace? Wasn't
I striving for something else - something bloodless - in my life?
Why did everything I touch come down to a struggle?
"It means I don't want to fight you anymore," I sighed, "I'm here for
a reason, a reason only you know. Tell me at your leisure."
I turned around and glanced at my surroundings. Clouds rolled overhead
like legions of cotton candy at a carnival. Light peeked through the
throngs, rays falling gently on the quiet ground. The air smelled nice,
perhaps even alive; aromas wafting from places around - restaurants,
stores, street vendors - drove a quaint, homely sensation into my heart.
Voices of bubbly teenagers and stoic adults filtered into the winds,
buffeted along by the softest of caresses, scattered to the corners of the
world.
It reeked of innocence. It overflowed with peace. It rumbled with happy
days on end.
Good old Juubangai.
Across the street, a myriad of girls dominated the sidewalk. A few were
shouting, a few were sighing, but all of them were smiling. One of the
girls tripped and fell face first, nose-diving onto the hard pavement.
Before she could even touch the ground, four pairs of hands snagged her,
supported her, helped her. The aforementioned girl blushed and mumbled a
few choice words, presumably a show of gratitude. They quickly piled into
the Crown arcade before anyone else saw them.
I rolled my eyes and craned my neck back toward Setsuna.
"What do you want me to think? That I'm wrong? That my so-called
'irrational' actions have somehow lead to the end of such carefree
frolicking in our future generations? I'm sorry, Setsuna, but you're a bit
late and a dollar short: I know the grief I've caused and frankly, I can't
afford to give a damn."
She breathed deeply, her icy composure a solid layer of armor. Nothing
I said fazed her, and for a brief second, I wondered if we had this
conversation before only she retained the knowledge from the previous
encounter whereas I was stumbling blindly through this temporal vortex of a
scenario.
My head hurt.
"Stop thinking about what you've destroyed," she carefully said, "and
instead focus on what you've created. I bring you here today to show you
what will be, not what was."
Liar. "This is the past. This isn't the future."
"Only because you let it be. What you see here can be rebuilt. You've
done it once, so why can't you do it again? As long as your soul - which is
as eternal as time, mind you - remains, your world still has hope. I am
here to help and guide you."
"I don't want-"


Realization. It parted the heavens and struck me between the eyes.


I
am
here
to
help.


A flash and a scene change. The roof melted revealing Usagi clothed in
princess attire. Atop a spike of ice, I floated, my soul jammed between
oblivion and consciousness. A mantra snatched from the future echoed
throughout the undead plane, my anchor to a quickly fading world: "Minna, I
need your help."
Closer and closer I struggled, my friend so far away. I didn't how to
help, but I had to. I needed to.
Then she mouthed, "Minna, I need your help."


I
am
here
to
guide.


A crack of lightning and a roar of thunder. My icy tomb reformed into a
rooftop, a dark, gray rooftop of death. My chest - my whole being - hurt. I
saw minna lying on the ground next me like a haphazard dispersion of cherry
blossoms. I was empty, I was dying, but I was dying for her. I did my duty,
but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. Utter desperation and sadness ruled
my final thoughts, and then... and then...
A slight feeling of nausea swept through me just before time stopped.


I
am
here
to
support.


An explosion and a crash. Rei clung to my battered form like a baby,
tears streaming from her soul. I witnessed her resurrection - figuratively
speaking, of course - her ascendance from a grief stricken teen to an
indebted ball of conviction. The glow of selfishness became a black hole of
self-righteousness thanks to Death's fleeting touch.
The aforementioned explosion reminded me of danger, and as my gaze
circumnavigated Rei's visage and landed on the airport ceiling, I saw
concrete slabs collapse upon us. Time slowed giving me time to push away
the pain in my leg, gather my wits, and hurl both me and her in a random -
and hopefully - safe direction.
Like a bad action movie, time regained traction and sped along its
merry way.


I
am
here
to
destroy.


Power. Intense, blinding, corrupting power surged to and from me, the
ache of every particle magnifying a hundred fold. In a split second, my
eyes shot open and I tried to reel back in the energy like a tasteless
quip.
I tried, but I couldn't. I was rooted in position, waves upon waves of
exhaustion crashing against me as bloodcurdling cries of agony and misery
buffeted the skies. I saw minna, tired and spent, gasping for air. I saw
Rei, a relieved smile on her face.
I tried to scream at her, to beg her to hear the protests of our people
as they slowly forgot sadness or happiness. I tried to tell her how wrong
we were.
But I couldn't. The reprimanding gaze of Setsuna - the only one among
us still standing - closed my mouth and kept me still.
My last thought was...


... coming back to earth. A millennium's manipulation clicked into
place. Gears of mechanisms much greater than myself - however great I
thought I was - emerged from the drawn curtains. Shadows peeled away to
reveal the poison which polluted my soul. I gasped and choked, unable to
breath, unable to comprehend.
Unable to live.
Eyes wide as saucers, I whispered, "You..."
She looked like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She
gripped her staff tighter, shifting it into a semi-defensive position. She
grimaced, her expression that of a discovered snake.
My mind numbed. My body was ethereal. I didn't know life anymore. A
sudden stroke of unwanted truth ruptured my existence, spurred by an eon of
memories. Was my entire life a waking dream? Did SHE guide my fate
whichever way it faced? Was this another one of her games, a small match in
a tournament where the only winner was her?
More veils tore away. More lies surfaced. More pain lurked around the
corner.
This was why I wanted to forget, to run, to never return to Crystal
Tokyo. I could've drowned my sorrows, spent another thousand years - or
however my wretched body persevered - without knowing what I know, but I
didn't. I chose to find the truth, to exonerate myself by discovering some
proof of my righteousness.
What a fool I was. What an idealistic, arrogant fool. Here was my
proof. Here was my truth. Here was my purpose for living!
She manufactured me - manufactured the Senshi! - to guide the world as
she saw fit. We were tools, to be used, sharpened, then discarded when
the greater objective was fulfilled. No, Setsuna wasn't the Guardian of
Time: she was my master, my puppeteer, my regent, my God.
An infinitesimal part of me - a tiny, tiny, formerly bothersome and
ambiguous voice - knew, somehow. That tiny part saw the close shaves, the
impossible saves and the mistress conducting the symphony of falsehood.
That's why it told me to run, to forget, to seek a new purpose in another
world because... because... I had no purpose to begin with. It told me to
dash away the memories in London, to find my lost inner child in Paris, to
blind myself with love in Montreal, to drug and destroy my old self in Hong
Kong. It told me to kill Sailor Venus. It told me to throw off the yoke
of responsibilities and master my own destiny.
That voice... that voice was me. Aino Minako. The girl who died a
thousand deaths and caused a million more. The girl I was told to ignore
for the greater good, for my duty, for my queen.
The final curtains loomed before me.
"Why, Setsuna? How?"
She tucked away her displeasure, instead adopting a small grin. Her
defensive stance never slackened. "Why, you ask? Why not? Don't you
remember the world around you during your childhood? Filled with disease,
riddled with poverty, accosted by hate - that vicious cycle dominated
countless civilizations. Tides of pestilence offset times of prosperity,
the stubborn process started and restarted by ignorant ruling bodies
tripping over themselves, jockeying for one-upmanship. I was tired of it,
Minako, tired of watching towering juggernauts fall before attaining true
happiness. Chinese, Egyptian, European, Russian, American - from whatever
culture, whenever in time, innumerable souls have suffered again and again
because of the same mistakes. I want to stop that suffering. I want to see
a mother's eyes light up when she cradles her child in its sleep. I want
everyone to enjoy life without the self-destructing hands of jealousy and
hate tainting their lives. I want to have a civilization obtain perfection
so those aforementioned souls will experience some measure of peace."
"And we're your means to this perfect world?" I asked, indignation
gracing my voice. "We're your immortal government, powerful enough to wipe
away all traces of sadness, eternal so that we'll always remember past
transgressions?"
"Yes."
"Well, what about me, Setsuna?! What about me?! Did you ever ask me if
I wanted to take part in this nature defying experiment?! Did you once stop
to think about my soul or my happiness?! Did it ever occur to you that
knowing your methods, knowing the pains I had to go through, knowing this
world's sacrifices, that I would not - COULD NOT - approve?!"
She spread her arms out motioning to the peaceful surroundings and
asked, "But how could not approve? This was where my endeavor began.
Despite countries warring with each other, despite hardships of all kinds
leaking forth from man's doings, did you ever experience any of it? When
you walked down the street, did you see one person lying on the pavement,
newspaper swamping him like a blanket? At night, did you fear for yourself
when you went home late? Were people anything but grateful when the beloved
Sailor Senshi showed up to save the world? Wasn't your family kind and
supportive, filled with pride about their daughter who was so full of life
and knowledge despite her being a bit flaky and ditzy? Your mother
beamed-"
"You shut your mouth. You have no right to talk about my mother, you
heartless manipulator."
"I have no right? Minako, I made your family. I made you. You stand
here today because of my hand; otherwise, you'd just be another soul
waiting in that long line to pursue another pointless existence."
Peel back the layers, open the skeleton-filled closet, tear away the
curtains, and what did I get? Lies built upon lies while truth - the
tattered truth I made - languishes in the winds of time. "What about the
Moon Kingdom? What about our past lives?"
"A convenience. True, the utopia you recall did exist, but like all
great social experiments, it failed because of internal strife, civil
unrest, and political corruption. Back then, I was as naive as you,
thinking that if enough kindness was in the world everyone would be happy.
I watched as powerful, idealistic individuals - of which your were one -
guide harmonious nations, smiled as hope brimmed from every corner of life.
I took part in the doomed project and used my power to help delay the
inevitable failure because I thought it could work."
She sighed regretfully, "Naive, I tell you. Naive as you. I put my
heart into the kingdom, into its people. Imagine the pain which consumed me
when the civilization shattered.
"And before you even ask about the Dark Kingdom, let me tell you that
it and Serenity's lot were one in the same. The vile 'evil' that you
destroyed a thousand years ago rose from the ashes of the poor and desolate
trying to eke out a better existence for themselves. Their selfish but
paradoxically 'noble' goals allowed others to manipulate them; the Dark
Kingdom represented nothing more than a pack of lesser farmers spurred to
action by lesser statesmen craving for more. I chose all of you to start
this beginning with me because I admired you idealism, your devotion; they
were tested enough when the Dark Kingdom advanced upon you. The only great
evil, Minako, is man himself. The world had to realize that, but it didn't,
so I'm lending a helping hand by pushing forth this realization."
I tried to say something. I tried to will myself into defiance. I tried
to fight back.
But what do I say to Her? What do I say to my Maker? What do I say to
my God?
Centuries of hard living streaked across my mindscape, intersecting and
weaving into an orchestrated mosaic of perverted happiness. Things -
then-thought pointless activities, seemingly death defying saves,
improbable second, third, and fourth chances - tumbled onto me like an
avalanche of news that could and did break the foolish frame which stood
against it. I wavered, a flame in the eye of the hurricane, an ant before
a tidal wave, a woman without a country.
I did the only thing I could.
I fought back, thinking that if I fought against her I could also fight
back the hurt.
The transformation washed over me, imbuing me with unimaginable power
fueled by my emotions. Lances of energy streaked out from my fingers,
thirsting for its "savior's" blood. Meteors impacted in empty places,
places I could've sworn she was at. She was suddenly behind me, and I let a
deadly kick loose in her vicinity. Of course, the strike met nothing but
air.
Maybe my uncontrolled sobs hindered my vision, but as fast as the fight
had begun, it was over. I whipped my head around just in time to see a pink
globe smash into me. It sent me careening onto rubble filled floor and
knocked the wind out of me.
As I regained my bearings, her soft voice rang out again.
"Can't you see? I'm trying to help. Man doesn't know what's good for
himself, so he must be told. Do you want an endless cycle of selfishness
and pain? Do you want the blood of posterity to be spilled on the ground
you walk? Do you want famine and plagues to roam the earth?"
No... no... "What you're doing is against nature!"
"Really?" she almost taunted, "Like nature ever intended us to have
skyscrapers and weapons of mass destruction. Nature has never stopped
anyone - or anything - from seeking out their own goals."
"Then why can't we seek happiness on our own?"
"Because there is none. We must make it. Nature is not a kind mother.
She tries to tell us that fulfillment will leap upon us when we are the
most selfish, when our minds can think of no one but ourselves, when we
rise above the conquered bodies of our challengers. What of those conquered
bodies? What about those who can't claw their way to Nature's prime
positions? They are also privileged to touch heaven, not just the select
few."
I heard the subtle undertones. "Why fight me?" the wind whispered. "We
want the same thing," the sea rumbled. "Come back with me," time echoed.
Most of all, my heart ached to belong, so much so that it cried, "Why do
you torment me?" If I returned with her, I would acknowledge to living a
lie, to be an instrument of an artificial God.
Ahh, but the future was a good lie, a great life. Friends, family,
fame, fortune, fulfillment - all of it was there, waiting for me.
Everything that I ever wanted was put in front of me on a crystal platter.
Nothing was unattainable, nothing was undoable, nothing was... nothing. No
more tears, no more sleepless nights, no more mournful internal monologues,
no more pain, no more selfishness.
God provided all, didn't She?
"Knowing the things you know, seeing the things you've seen," said
Setsuna, measuring me, "Will you return? Crystal Tokyo needs you. Your
people need you. I need you."
My shoulders slumped. My hair fell in front of my face. I picked myself
up off of the debris filled ground.
I smiled. Finally, I smiled a genuine, unabashed smile.
Power surged through me gathering at the tip of my index finger, enough
power to punch through a company or two of oncoming forces. It was a
practiced maneuver. I concentrated, focusing the beam into a thin, narrow
projectile of death. Never had I so gathered myself into one desperate
shot. Never had I so thrown myself into a last ditch effort. Newfound
resentment bristled with excitement and urged me on; old wounds rallied for
revenge. I hoarded so much energy into my finger that my very soul seemed
to reside within the pulsating, golden light.
Sighing, Setsuna raised her staff, said, "A simple 'No' would've
sufficed," and prepared for combat.
I wished I had eyes in the back of my head because I would've loved to
see HER eyes grow wide in surprise, perhaps the only time she ever was.
Turning around, I unleashed the needle of energy toward the Crown
arcade. It cut through the window pane like butter, leaving a tiny hole as
evidence of its journey. The beam flew past Makoto's left shoulder,
scurried the length of the booth's table and found... found... my heart.
A time paradox exploded before me. My past was dying and my future
remembered it.
I felt me, myself, Minako lurch backward, clothes, skin, bone, artery,
muscle skewered in one lightning strike. The initial penetration liberally
splashed dots of red on all my friends and their food, akin to a bad
Halloween decoration. Unoxygeniated blood flooded my ventricles as breaths
came shorter and shorter. The blood which didn't make it into the heart
chambers gushed out onto my uniform. A lung was hit too, evident by the
bubbles of bodily fluids I exhaled.
The room spun like a roulette wheel. My friends called my name like a
bunch of gamblers screaming out their bets. I slumped onto Ami's lap, her
horrific screams drowned out by my diminishing hearing.
Tunneling. Everything tunneling, becoming smaller and smaller. I
couldn't focus on anything because focusing took too much strength, so much
strength it hurt. Thinking became a chore as exhaustion washed over me.
Death's fingers clenched tighter around my throat, any remaining wisps of
air forced out.

The world was a bright speck in the darkness.
I pulled myself toward the light, trying desperately to leave this
cold, lifeless place.
The light pulled away and I was alone.


Alone without breath or pulse to keep me company.






I collapsed to the unseen floor and never got up.


My vision returned to the roof across the street. Pillars in my mind
fell like a house of cards, crushing memory after dreary memory. The sky
clouded over, thunder exploded from the heavens - the newly opened
paradox became even more unstable. My past self was dead and my future self
stood within an earshot of my cooling corpse.
Time loudly voiced its disapproval.
My veins tore themselves apart, my very existence unraveling and
contorting amidst this new revelation. Flesh blinked into and out of phase
as the time stream tried to come to a decision whether or not it belonged
on my bones. I had no solid form, instead, I rippled like water. Every
crest sent small parts of myself away; every ebb drew in unwanted,
unneeded, and unsightly particles.
One second I burned.
Another I froze.
Then I imploded.
After which I decayed.


Crashing, crashing all over my
memories. I remembered, yet I didn't.
Something, sometime so long ago, I was part of something
important. What was it? Oh yes,

the Senshi.
Why was I here? Wasn't
I suppose to be in London? Oh, did I forget my lunch money?

Ack, I'm late
for the wedding!


I reined in my thoughts, held onto them tightly because they were my
only connection to this world. I knew perfectly what was going on: my past
was being erased. If I didn't live for that millennium, if I wasn't there
for the Senshi, then the future would not be. At least, not be what I
remember it to be.
No old Minako meant no present Minako.
Simple but incredibly painful logic.
The chaos winded down. The eye of the hurricane - that's where I was.
Time was thrown off kilter by my actions, but it didn't fall: it was ready
to correct the inconsistency. If time had a physical manifestation, I
could've sworn it dove straight into me. In the same instant, I sped up and
slowed down - past and present collided.
My mind was being wiped clean. Events which happened didn't; events
which did, I didn't know about because I was dead. Like a methodical
computer, time analyzed all the sectors of my memory, decided they were all
corrupted and proceeded to delete.


Forget...


The smiles and grins. Makoto playfully threw a burnt cookie at me; the
projectile nearly knocked me out. Yet, despite my almost catatonic state, we
laughed like two schoolgirls without a care in the world.
Maybe it was because we were two schoolgirls.
Not so much without a care in the world, but because we cared so much
we saw something in everything - yes, that's why we laughed. While daemons
descended across and we repelled them much to protest of our battered
bodies, moments of unadulterated joy and simple bliss kept us afloat.
I lived off of love - love for the world, love for my friends, love for
life.
I wondered how much of that love was real, but I dashed the thought.
Those emotions were mine; I knew how I felt.


Forget...


The sleepless nights and quiet desperation. While Ami tutored, I
groaned. All the head and heart ache for what? A job? A career? Sure, of
course, if we made it through the day, but I wasn't too confident - not
after the newest thrashing we received. How could she think about the
future when our days seemed numbered? School wasn't high on the
"I-Care-About-It" meter.
I collapsed onto my desk in frustration. "How can you even study?"
Calmly, she whispered, "Because I don't want to disappoint my family."
Ami saw the confusion in me and gave the most brilliant answer possible. Her
bookworming wasn't only for her mother or her friends which she would come
to see as family, but rather, it was for herself. Studying was her anchor:
good test scores meant a good education, a good education meant a good
college, a good college meant a good career, and a career meant a future.
She studied because she believed there would be a future that not only
included her but also a true love and perhaps children. She cut through the
shallow veil of present danger and peered toward the oncoming days,
perfectly sure that it would be all right.
Smiling, I refocused my attention and tried - but failed miserably -
to share in the optimism.


Forget...


The many slurps and much shivering. I glanced at Rei, seeing her for
the first time. She was so vulnerable, so strong, so innocent. I finally
understood the pain of losing her world, of watching it slip by as she
stood in the departing gale. Hate melted from my icy heart: I couldn't hold
her accountable for a crime she was forced into perpetrating.
Oh Rei, how I wished I had said more that night to comfort you. If
anyone should be thrown to hell, it should be me for being a terrible,
stubborn and blind friend. You lost your world and I was only there to poke
that conspicuous vein in your forehead before going boy crazy.
Then, for the splitest second, her eyes lit up (perhaps grateful for
the normality, self-perceived support, or what have you) before the
customary "Baka Mina!!!" adjourned by her anti-Usagi face leveled against
me.
The light still gleamed, and now I realized it always had, but I was
too self absorbed to see.


Forget...


The honks and screams. Yes, I found that when the need arose, Haruka
could scream like a girl. I happily wove her car into and out of oncoming
traffic. A few times, she tried to commandeer the driver's seat, but a well
placed hairpin turn threw her back into her seat.
When I finally stopped back at her house, Haruka - peeling her
white-knuckle bare fists from the top handle bars - growled, "Baka Mina!!!
You are never touching my baby again, no how much you want to learn how to
drive! Are you insane?!"
Michiru stood at the front door, laughing hysterically.
I knew what I did, how I did it, and who I did it to. As for the "why,"
I shot my driver's-ed sensei a big grin and chirped, "Hai!"
I laughed at the look of pure and utter disbelief on her face.
Sometimes, I just needed to let go and be free; who better than the wind to
show me how to do it?
Perhaps that need was a sign of things to come.


Forget...

The pops and cheers. Usagi and Mamoru got married. We stood around them
throwing rice, kisses and love. Minna screamed at the top of their lungs,
tears of joy streaming down their faces: even Haruka got bleary eyed.
Sweeping us off our feet, emotion escorted us to wherever it pleased.
It heard no protest.
Despite the world in shambles, we found a reason to be happy, to fight
on, to have hope. Their union inspired us all to rally against the forces
outside. If such beautiful, selfish yet selfless love existed, our duty was
to protect it.


Forget...

The setting sun and the lazy dusk. As I stretched out upon my bed,
Artemis stretched out on my stomach. Yellow rays of light highlighted our
most prominent features - my golden hair and his whitened fur.
Simultaneously, we shifted about and grunted slightly, both attempting to
attain that perfect position. I grinned at him and he smiled back.
No words were exchanged to fill the silence because another noise
would've brought about another set of problems. We both understood that
this was what we fought for - a quite, peaceful time of self-indulgent
bliss. Yes, bliss for everyone, and we were having some well-deserved bliss
ourselves.









Remember...

Perhaps true happiness was the knowledge that everyone was happy. That
way, there wouldn't be anything to worry about. But could heaven be thrust
into our hands without an unhealthy smattering of hell?
No. Nothing in the universe was freely given: in order to attain
something, someone or something else must lose it. Capitalism, karma,
balance - whatever we choose to call it, one's gain was another's loss,
however minor. For Setsuna to freely give her brand of happiness to the
world, she had to have taken it from someone.
The Senshi. My friends. My family.
Me.
She collected my spilled blood and tears, tricked me into tasting - and
liking - the bitterest fruit, hoarded my actions and emotions, leeched my
life away. She used me like a battery to power her dreams. She made me
shoulder the heaviest burdens.
I would've freely done all of that if I was given a choice. But, like I
said before, she didn't give me a choice: she raped my life. For once, I
wanted to do something for myself and I couldn't have it because she made
the decision for me, a decision I had no part in.
What decision though?

What unrepayable debt was withdrawn?


What was I trying to remember?



Why did I feel the way I did?




Remember...

That I had forgotten.
"NO! I hadn't!"

Remember...

That I had once forgiven.
"I refused to forgive! Refused to forget the pain, the lies, the chains,
the shackles, the torture, the... the..."

Remember...

That I had no answer for feeling this way.



Balance - maybe the world was more of a balance than I thought it was.
In front of me stood the ultimate escape: the release of death and
oblivion. Memories gave me pain, but still I insisted on holding on because
they were my struggles, my pain.

Balance - in order to get something, I must give something. I endured a
millennium of unwitting torture, but why must I look to the past? The past
was dead, so maybe it was time to let go, to release the built up pain and
withdraw the considerable dividends of a life unlived. I would not continue
to be Setsuna's battery.

Balance - forgive and forget versus remember and retaliate. I tried
forgiving, but I never forgot. I tried forgetting, but I never forgave.
Never at the same time. When the conflagration of hatred subsided, I
always kept a few embers to ignite the flames when the situation
demanded. When I discarded those embers, raw emotion blazed out of control.



It was time to let go. It might had been my pain, it might had been my
prison, but happiness was also mine.

I released my grip on my many scars.



Hong Kong, England, Canada, Masks, Death, Crystal
Tokyo, The Purging, Serenity, Endyimon, SmallLady,
TheGreatWar, Wiseman,
Mars,
Pluto, Artemis,Venus,Uranus,Neptune,Saturn,Mercury,
Jupiter,Moon,Luna,FriendsFamilyChildrenSmilingDeath
WorldCollapsing
NoOne
CaringMeMyselfReiUsagiHotaruHaruka
AmiMakotoMichiruChibi-UsaMamorugrandpasailorv


mommydaddyhappynohoneyweregoingawaynow...




As I grew lighter, no longer hindered by burdensome memories, I split
into my two halves. They eyed each other conspicuously like long time
enemies finally meeting face to face. Time had taken so much from them;
life didn't even give them a chance. They were identical save for one
thing: Minako loved the people, Venus loved the world. They had so much to
give, but they lived in each other's shadows, forever and day jockeying for
superiority within their domain like the failed governments Setsuna
shunned.
Aino Minako, meet Sailor Venus.
Sailor Venus, meet Aino Minako.
Perhaps misery did love company because they smiled warmly at each
other. They embraced in a blinding flash of light, lifting me into heights
unknown.
For a second, I felt peace. True peace. The torrent of love-hate and
hate-love subsided, my soul no longer at war with itself. Through their
altruistic views, they grew to despise; through their hearts, they came to
peace.
I watched a millennium's toil bear the sweetest fruit. Suddenly,
my trials and tribulations didn't seem so bad. I released my tenacious grip
on my emotions and let them roam as they pleased.
The weight of the world lifted away. No longer did I have to fight to
be happy. I just was.
That's what I was searching for. To just be.
That was all I ever wanted to know.


For a brief second before everything became nothing, I believed in
happiness.










No where, no when did this soul
bear the pain she did.
In her death, she found relese.
Never will another think of her
as one without country
or purpose or happiness.
They simply will not think of
her or her
great deeds,
for while she endured she
graced many more lives than
she destroyed.


Existence will never be the same.





The End.








**************
Author's Notes
**************


Many people contributed time, effort, encouragement and, most
importantly, patience to make this story work. I want to take this little
time to thank each and every one of you, and to say a last goodbye as I
(hopefully) gracefully take my final bow on this great genre, great site,
and great life.

Bethany - My first editor and supporter. Her enthusiastic prompting gave
me the confidence to write, continue, and finish "Clean." Although we
haven't talked in ages, I relish the times we spent batting ideas back and
forth, both helping each other become better writers. Without her, I
wouldn't be here, writing these words.

Black Beyond - My second editor. With her gracious comments, she put my
butt back on track and forging on. In addition to her early support, she
was the one who guided me into ff.net and introduced me to a huge world of
literature. Thank you.

The Legendary Redhawke - My staunchest supporter and harshest critic. Many
times, his words have made me step back and reconsider how I shaped this
story. His high standards and insistence for "something new and original"
has been my compass for writing. Not to mention, TLR has been a great
friend and wonderful spokesman. Don't think I've stopped lurking around on
the ASMR board, man. I appreciate your kindness but can only offer you my
gratitude in return. I'll never forget our friendship.

Meara - I am humbled by Meara's dedication to cultivating the fragile,
young author. Chapter after chapter, without fail, she has sent me glowing
praises, proving once again that feedback is the source of an author's
determination. She does this routinely for many, taking time to gently prod
others along in order to expand their minds. What else can be said about
such kindly acts except thank you?

Andrea - To our beloved ASMR hostess who provides us a place to gather,
discuss and exchange our various ideas. She has brought many of us together
and continues to do so: her dedication to giving us ASMR is truly
unparalleled.


To a few friends and acquaintances:
Aphrael - Great job on the board and highlights. You've done better than I
ever could.
His lordship Chaos - Thank you for the kind words, awesome fics, the
various sneak peaks, and allowing me to stroke your massive ego :).
Narie the Waitress - Trudge on, fellow moderator! I look forward to new
fics from you, whenever they spontaneously appear.
I Abibde (Everyone's favorite Mad Dwarf) - Thank you for that last email.
Orchyd Constyne - When I was a moderator, you challenged me to serve the
members better. As one of the few people (perhaps even only person) to do
so, I can't thank you enough.


And last, but certainly not least, to all the people who have put up
with my tardiness in completing this fic. That's you reading this line
right there! A writer is nothing without readers, and I'd be nothing
without you.

Thank you for your time. I hope this story fulfilled some of your
expectations and gave you a few hours of enjoyment.

-Don.

1/14/02