Blame



I did not want to have to go down into the dungeons again. I would be drawn to the mirror and probably never leave, so I decided to exhaust all other possibilities first. I searched the corridors and had a look in the main hall, and in every classroom, but he was nowhere to be found. I did pop my head around the door of the hospital wing, but the only people in there were Lily's parents, who waved politely. Lily was asleep. I decided that it would be best not to ask them if they had seen Severus; Mr Evans was a nice enough man, but I fully expect that he would not have been as nice to Severus as he was to me.

I finally trudged up the stairs to the astronomy tower, it being my last hope before a long descent into the dungeons, not expecting for the life of me to find him there. I quickly glanced through the door, and seeing nothing but a dark classroom, illuminated faintly by moonlight flowing in from a balcony window, I walked on.

Then I did a double take. Something black had been flickering outside the window. I looked again, and this time I went in, remaining in the shadows, just so I could see the balcony. There he was, leaning against the tower wall, staring into space. His arms were folded across tightly his chest, trying to bar out the biting cold. I remember his face like I saw it yesterday, cold, pale and motionless. Lost.

I don't know how long I stood and watched him. He didn't move, and nor did I. I couldn't bring myself to break the silence to bring him such terrible news. Countless times I took a step forward, and then one back. There was almost something real, standing in my way, forbidding me to go any further.

I finally swallowed my fear and took three long strides towards the door, and opened it quietly, so as not to alarm him. I was quite suprised when he did not show the slightest bit of acknowledgement to me, and carried on, counting stars. Finally, after a long pause hung on the cutting air,

"I wondered when you would come out here." he mused, not seeming to be addressing me, more thinking out loud. "You must have been stood in the shadows in there for half an hour. Gearing yourself up for another fight, I presume?"

This was the beginning of the Severus Snape I must come to face. Harsh and cold as the air, with not an ounce of compassion or understanding in his bitter tones. I felt with all my heart that I wanted to throw him over the edge for such a terse and calculated comment, but I tried to hold back.

"I need no preparation for a physical brawl, Severus. I was merely gathering my thoughts. I need to talk to you."

"Gathering your thoughts? Or thinking up more deceptions?"

My fists and arms were clamped tightly at my sides. I was not going to lose it again; it was only what he wanted me to do.

"I have no time for your wind-ups. I am here to tell you something very difficult, please do not make it harder for me. Will you let me speak uninterrupted, or must you continue your little facade of passiveness?"

He finally turned to look at me, all traces of warmth gone from his pale and shadowed face. He eyed me suspiciously, as if pondering my authenticity. He took two steps toward me, his eyes never leaving mine. I can well understand the fear of children when they dare cross their potions master now.

"Go on..." This was more a command than anything else.

"I would rather you were sat down, Severus. This in no trivial matter, and no matter how cold your exterior may seem to me, I know there is a person in there who is going to be hurt by what I have to say."

"I am fine as I am." He snapped, almost baring his teeth. "I wish I could say that I share your sentiments, but I see very little human in *you*. Tell me."

I sighed heavily. I didn't care what he said or did, this would shatter him. Severus may seem to be nonchalant about other people, but he has a very large capacity for guilt. This would be a weight on his conscience for the rest of his days.

"Madam Pomfrey has discovered that, well...Lily may have been worse affected than we first thought she would have been."

His steely expression faltered, as I knew it would. His arms dropped to his sides, and as I continued, his left arm rose to the wall to steady himself.

"It looks like she will never be able to conceive another child. The Miscarriage caused a great deal of damage that could not be anticipated, and..."

"Don't be so stupid." he retorted. "Pomfrey could raise the dead if she set her mind to it. She'll be able to heal Lily, and it'll all be fine."

I looked pleadingly at him. To twist the truth to yourself is one of the most dangerous things the recipient of bad news can do; false hope should not be dwelled upon.

"No, no we've been through all that with her, I'm afraid. The creation of a child is something magic cannot interfere in, and there is nothing..."

He sank down to the floor, his back to the wall, and his head in his hands. His ebony hair fell past his fingers, making him look like a sad rag doll.

"Severus, I..."

"No, shut up." he whispered hoarsely. "I can't believe this...I ruined her life! I ruined her bloody life!"

"Sev, don't say that!" I knelt down beside him and put my hand on his shoulder. "It's not your fault at all, and you know..."

"What the hell do you know? You have no RIGHT to lecture me on right and wrong! Have I not told you that before? Get OFF me!"

He pushed my hand away, with more force than was necessary, and stormed off, his raven robes billowing out behind him. I sank down to where he had been, and began to count stars myself.

**************************************************************************** ********

I slunk back down to the common room a little while later, to find a hastily scribbled note on the chair where Ed had been.

Rene,

I've gone up to talk to Severus, he didn't

take it well. I hopefully won't be long, but if you

want, I don't mind if you go to bed. Just let me

know.

Ed

xxxxxxx

I quickly scribbled a little message on the other side, and left it where it was. I had my doubts whether Ed would come down alive, let alone soon. I made my way up the stairs to my dorm, and as I got into bed, I realised the curtains around Lily's bed were drawn. I got back up, and went to the foot of the bed, and just peeked through the bottom curtain. Madam Pomfrey had let her out of the hospital wing. My heart lurched, because it meant there really was nothing that could be done. I decided against waking her; she would never get back to sleep with what I had to tell her. I got back into bed, a thousand and one questions whizzing around my mind, none of which I could answer. I could do nothing but dread the following morning.