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Warnings: Angst, random bursts of memory, and an 'F-word' marathon near the end. --;;
Chapter Five: Trailing Clouds of Glory
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Our birth is but a sleep and forgetting: The soul that rises with us, our life's star, Hath had elsewhere its setting, And cometh from afar: Not in entire forgetfulness, And not in winter nakedness, But trailing clouds of glory do we come From God who is our home.
--William Wordsworth
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I sat up, let my arms drop to my sides, and rose calmly to my feet.
It was late afternoon, the January sunlight coming pale and thin through the glass of the window, but that glitter--that flash of silver--it was bright as a memory; gleaming like a small star against the sun. The knowledge that it belonged to me, that I belonged to it...it was in my mind even before my thoughts had a chance to form, and I knew with a comfortable kind of certainty that I was about to take that first fearful step off the edge of a great cliff, and after that nothing would ever be the same. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot--slow, steady steps, eyes locked on the glow of the prize with unwavering single-mindedness--and, then, I was standing above them, staring down at the familiar curves and engravings of the bracelets; my bracelets, and they were smooth and cool and silver, embedded with a green stone that sparkled in my eyes like a flash of memory, and I knew that if I could just lift my hand and touch them that it would all come flooding back, that somehow I would be me again, or as much of me that could remain after being reborn...being remade... My fingers, trembling only slightly, rose from my side, began to slide towards cool metal--
And, then, like a record player screech, something thudded into the door, and I snapped out of it.
"Ri, what the hell're
you doin' in there? Hey, look, I'm
sorry, whatever the hell I did, but come outta there, wouldya? Much as I like Xena, it's gettin' kinda
boring down here, ya know?"
I jumped back from the bracelets like I'd been stung--and, of course, tripped over my stereo and went thudding hard onto my back on the floor. Kats' pounding immediately grew more urgent, and although I couldn't make out what she was saying through the sudden ringing in my skull, I somehow managed to call out, "It's okay, I just tripped! Hang on a sec!"
I was shivering and sweating and breathing fast, lying on my back with elbows propped beneath me, and even though I felt like myself again, there was something new inside of me, now; something...new and old and unfamiliar and familiar, all at the same bloody time. Why did I feel so calm?? My body was going into overload, and yet, my thoughts were clear and measured, shifting along at such an even tempo that I began to wonder if maybe I really had gone off the deep end. This...this wasn't me. My thoughts weren't like this; weren't ordered or structured or calm. They were erratic, flinging from one side of my brain to the other like a Pong game gone wrong. I knew that--and, yet...
How was it possible to feel unlike myself and like myself all in the same moment??
"Damn it, Ri, if you don't open the door I'm gonna fuckin' kick it down!"
There was a waver in Kats' voice. Fear? Concern? Anger?
Did it matter?
Still feeling strangely calm, I got my legs underneath me and stood, then walked to the door and unlocked it. Kats grabbed onto the handle and twisted it hard the second she heard the click, and then the door was open and she was standing there in front of me with wide eyes and I knew that the waver had been fear; that she'd been afraid... Maybe still was.
She stared at me for a long moment, frowning and apparently looking for some sign of injury. Not finding any, she folded her arms over her chest, eyebrows pressing together on her forehead, and regarded me with something like concerned irritation. "Okay, look, Riley," she said. "I don't know what the hell's goin' on here, but if this is what happens to you everytime you're outta caffeine, I'm gonna fuckin' make sure you never run out again. C'mon, you're freakin' me out, here. What's goin' on? You sick or somethin'?"
I didn't say anything. Instead, I lifted a finger, turned, and pointed to the edge of the dresser.
Kats frowned. "They're nice," she said after a second, sounding a little unsure. "Good fuckin' replicas. What, you get 'em off Ebay or somethin'?"
"No," I said
quietly. "They're not
replicas."
Big frown. "Whaddya mean, they're not replicas?"
I felt strange. Something was twisting around inside of me (sudden memory of Alien. shudder. damn it, keep your mind on topic!), knotting in my stomach and clenching at my heart; but, there was more to it than that, too. I felt like I was on the brink of something, like I was standing at the edge of a precipice with my toes hanging a little over the edge, just getting up the courage to lean forward, look down; fall. And, damn it, I was scared. Somewhere, buried deep beneath all this muddy calmness, I was terrified. Because, something was happening to me. Something weird. Something big. Something...wonderful.
"Pick them up," I whispered. Was I talking to her or myself??
Still frowning at me, Kats stretched out a hand, grabbed onto the bracelets, and lifted them into the air. She didn't put them on, but then I hadn't thought she would. Her eyes were glossy and dark, and as the frown melted from her face, I felt a sudden burst of familiarity; an abrupt surge of...memory. And, then, she was beside me, the bracelets balanced lightly on her palm, and even though every part of me was screaming and writhing that I couldn't do this, I couldn't, I couldn't--I took them from her hand, savored the cool touch of the metal for a moment...and, then, slid them onto my wrists.
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A million voices were suddenly echoing in my head at once, making me stagger backwards, bring a hand to my head and try to keep myself from falling.
Niisama, wait for me! Niisama! - No, no, she can't be dead, she can't be, it's me--it has to be me instead, because I should be dead, I should be dead, not her, not her, not Kourin, no! - Ryuen, stop this! Take them off! TAKE THEM OFF! - have to get away from this place, go somewhere where no one knows me, where no one knew her; where I can be her without them remembering who I used to be - to welcome you to the Imperial Harem; it is an honor bestowed on none but the most beautiful, promising girls - saved for Heika-sama, who will choose one of you as his bride - Kourin would've wanted, I know this is what she would've wanted - heard about Suzaku no Miko; she came from the other world - My name is Kourin, also known as Nuriko - not fair, how can he love that stupid child when I've been loving him for so much longer? it's not fair, it's not FAIR why doesn't he see me? - is she trying so hard to be friends with me when all I do is hurt her in return? - don't want friends, can't afford friends, they'll know, they'll find out, and then she'll really be dead, she'll really be dead, so I can't, I can't, no matter how much I like her and want to stop being cruel to her I can't because she can't know about me - almost drowned because of me; I'm still shaking and I can't believe I was so stupid how can he ever forgive me for almost killing her? - Miaka, I was serious - want you to be my empress - healing springs, deep in the woods - I'm a man, so what? - it's better this way, better that someone knows; I can still be her and have her know who I am, I know I can - give up on Hotohori, ne, Nuriko? It's ridiculous. You're a man. - the look in his eyes, gods, he hates me he hates me -
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I opened my eyes.
Okaaaaaay--there was the ceiling. White, plastery, perfectly normal. But, ahhh...wasn't the angle a little off? I winced. Oh, gah, not again.
Okay, I'm on my back, and memory--for the moment, at least--has gone. Must've passed out again. Great. But, hey, at least I've got that 'comfort of home' thing going on. No random coffee shop employees to make me feel like an idiot...
A trembling voice came suddenly from my right, and I turned my head to see Kats kneeling there beside me, her reddish hair tangled and sticking up in places, her eyes wide and blank and staring. Something familiar...something...something happened, didn't it? Just a minute ago...
"Fuckin' hell," she whispered. The white nubs of her canines flashed with each word. "This is unreal. Fuckin' unreal." And, then, before I had a chance to respond, those brownish-amber eyes were on me, locking me into a fiery gaze, and Kats' voice sounded suddenly lower; unnatural for her, perhaps...but, not for him. Not for...Tasuki.
"You just don't fuckin' know when to stay conscious, do ya, Nuriko?"
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