"I think I'll go for a walk

Okay I thank you all for the reviews. I did warn you that the beginning was going to be dark, but I assure Ginny and Draco DO get together…they have to, I wouldn't have it any other way. ANYWAY…I do promise it will get lighter, I'll even throw in some humor to lighten the mood between the couple. Here's chapter five. I don't have chapter six written yet but hopefully I'll do it this weekend (so long as I don't have TOO much college homework.) Anyway thank you again for your great reviews…I appreciate it. Enjoy!

~Kandimoon

"I think I'll go for a walk.  Maybe out in the rain.  Maybe let the tears roll down my face and not feel the pain."

         -Kim Ferron

Chapter Five

         "Now students…" Headmaster Dumbledore began after the traditional house sorting ceremony for the new first years.  "Due to the rise of Voldemort, security will be doubled and certain rules will be enforced.  As before the Forest is off limits and no one, except prefects and Head students will be allowed outside the castle after evening meal.  Students fifth years and down must be in their towers by 8 p.m. sharp and the sixth and seventh years no later than 10 p.m.  Another announcement I am pleased to announce, Professor Lupin has once again joined our teaching staff as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher." He replied while motioning to the brown-haired, blue eyed, werewolf who was sitting two spaces down from Dumbledore.  I remembered him vaguely from my second year and a smile came to my face as I look back and remember the good times we had in his class. 

        

         He hasn't changed much in the few years that he's been away.  A little gray tinted along his temples, but his smile was still as bright as ever.  I had a helpless schoolgirl crush on him during that year, much like Hermione's obsession with Professor Lockhart that I've heard Ron tease about every now and then.  After his departure the first time from Hogwarts, he moved away and ran into a girl he went to school with.  Ron, Hermione, and Harry were invited to his wedding just last year, I wanted to go but declined the sympathetic looks that Hermione gave me when she found out I didn't receive an invitation.

         "Now then, I suggest we eat up before all this wonderful food goes cold."  The Headmaster finished and suddenly piles of food magically appeared before us.  My stomach began to churn at the site of greasy, fattening delicacies that adorned the silver platters.  I glanced up and looked around me after feeling like I was being watched.  And I was…

         Two tables down from Gryffindor, and about three seats to the left, sat Draco Malfoy with his fork in hand and his silver eyes watching my every move.  I understood the look he was giving me, he wanted to see if I would eat.  'Well Malfoy, you are about to get a rude awakening.' I threatened.

         It wasn't as hard as I thought.  All I had to do is push the food around on my plate to make it look sparse and then take small bites at a time.  With each bite I hide the piece of food under my tongue, but eventually I was forced to swallow.  Nausea bubbled its ugly head again and as soon as we were dismissed from the Great Hall I nearly ran to the girls lavatory.  I walked out about fifteen minutes later, seeing as how I didn't consume much to throw up anyway.  Without looking where I was going, I walked right into a student passing through the halls.

         "I was wondering how long it would take you to come out." A sneering voice spoke from above me.  Moments later a hand extended down to offer help from my fallen position on the floor.

        

         I smacked the hand away as if insulted by the mere gesture.  "Get lost Draco, I told you I am just fine."

         "See you would think that I would just mind my own business, seeing as how you're a Weasley and that my family absolutely despises you.  But unfortunately for you, that isn't going to happen because you are not like your brothers and stupid parents, and I'm not like mine."

         "What must I do to get you away from me Malfoy!  Is this some sick joke to expose me to the world?  Is this some kind of payback because of my last name?  Are you looking for the satisfaction of being the first to tell the world that Ginny Weasley is a failure to her family?  What sick and twisted joke is this Draco!"  My face was nearly as red as my hair and I was greatly thankful to be in an empty hallway.  Most of the students went to their rooms to unpack and the teachers have already retired to quarters to get ready for the beginning of classes the next day.

         "Failure?  A Weasley?  The family of prefects?  The poor family of two loving parents who pamper their perfect little children with as much as they can afford?   Get real Ginny, what's your real game?  Looking for attention?  Is that it?  You are the youngest after all, figured you be well seen.  But then again Percy and Bill are above you, so what's the catch?  Looking for the teachers to boost up your grades or something?"

         His words stung like a thousand needles being pricked along my pale skin.  My stomach churned and my mind started to cloud over.  Loving parents?  Attention?  Grades?  I wanted to hurt him, physically hurt him, until he bled with pain.  But I couldn't, I just didn't have the strength in me to do it.  But I envisioned it, and that would have to be enough for now.

         My face paled more so than usual and my skin went clammy and tinted green in color.  I have to get away from him; I have to go back to my room where I'll be safe.  And the dagger, yes, I needed the dagger.  I needed to bleed, I needed to make sure I was still alive and this wasn't just a dream, a horrible dream.

         "I'm going to go up to my room now Draco.  I…Goodnight."  And I left.  I didn't see the concerned look on his face, or hear the quiet footsteps that followed me back to Gryffindor tower.  I turned around as I gave the portrait of the Fat Lady the password (Hogsmeade).  No one was there; the hallway was dark and empty, much like my soul…

          I walked into my sixth year quarters.  They were pretty much the same as they have been the previous five years.  The only major change in the new room is the absence of two other beds.  Most of the sixth years were prefects and shared a room with only one other student, and the rest of the sixth years shared with only two other people.  Not a big change, but a much appreciated one nonetheless.  My roommates were a pair of twins that transferred in our second year.  They were incredibly nice and very shy around other people; but for the most part they've always left me alone and never asked questions.  I was grateful for that.

         Sleep wasn't coming easy for me that night.  My mind replayed today's scene over and over until a migraine formed around my temples.  'Why was Draco being so…well…not Draco-like?'  It seemed unnerving to have the one guy I've loathed since my first year to almost understand or at least notice what is going on in my life.  It still did not excuse the way he voiced things, and the false accusations, but well…Draco's never been known to even be descent around my family; none of the Malfoy's were.  So why the sudden change in demeanor?

         I knew sleep was not going to happen to me any time soon so I decided to sneak up to the Astronomy deck to think in the fresh air.  My cloak was settled on the end of my bed so quietly I threw it over top of my long green nightgown and stepped into my slippers.  I placed my silver dagger in the pocket of the gown.  The air was crisp for this time of year but I was comfortable with my cloak around my shoulders.  My eyes fell onto the inky blackness of the sky, which by now was glittered with bright silver stars and a pale crescent moon.  Finally…peace…

         "We seem to be running into each other quite frequently Weasley." A voice sneered from the dark shadows on my left.

         "My name is Ginny, Draco, and you'd do well to remember that." I snapped back at him as he emerged from the corner.

         "Attitude looks good on you, you know that?  Of course you might want to put some weight back on those bones of yours.  Guys don't date skeletons."

         "Go to hell Draco!  I'm just skinny by nature…" I tried to lie, though I was aware he knew my predicament.

         "You think I don't see through you Ginny?  Do you think that I'm that blind!  Look at what you're doing to yourself!  When was the last time you took a real look in the mirror?"

         "I don't!  I don't look in the mirror because I can't stand to see the failure that looks back!  Do you think I like this?  Do you think that I wished for this?  You wouldn't understand what I'm going through!  I cannot buy happiness like you! I can't even get my own MOTHER'S ATTENTION!  Do you know what it's like to wake up everyday knowing that no one cares whether I live or die?  Do you know what it feels like to physically hurt myself and no longer feel pain?  Did someone you care for ever tell how WORTHLESS you were, how imperfect.  NO!  You can never understand!  Never!"  Tears burned down my pale cheeks as my mind began to cloud up.

         He just stared, kept staring for a few moments after my tirade.  Suddenly more than ever before, I felt incredibly helpless under his gaze.  It was as if he wanted to say something, but didn't have the words to say it.  I felt sick, physically sick.  Oh how stupid I was!  I just told my enemy some of my deepest secrets, even if it was not directly. 

         "You think I don't understand Ginny?  You're wrong.  You are so very wrong Weasley.  Do you want to try my life?  Would you rather be the spoiled only child of the highest ranking Death Eater in the world and a good for nothing mother?  Would you rather have grown up being bred to be the next first in command to the darkest creature to ever set foot on our planet in thousands of years?  Do you think I don't understand why you cut yourself to bleed?  To bleed to know that you are alive, that you still exist.  You go home to a big caring family, and whether they tell you or not they still care about you.  Want to know what I go home to Ginny?  I go home to a gathering of the most repulsive creatures ever known as they congregate together to torture Muggles and weak Wizards.  Want to know what they do with them Ginny?  They place them in the middle of their circle and inflict pain, sometimes through magic, sometimes just through simple Muggle weapons.  It's disgusting and every night I anticipate the return of school.  I may not like it here, but at least I won't have to lie awake at night and wonder if I'll live to see another day.  Sometimes the Death Eaters come to my room.  They're drunk and they don't realize that their soon-to-be victim is the son of the highest general in Voldemorts army.  Yes, they come up to my room and I get the hell out of there.  Think I don't understand you Ginny?  I understand more than you'll ever know." 

         I was speechless.  Partly because of the amount of energy our argument has drained from me, partly because of the words that he said.  For the first time in my life I wanted to comfort him, I truly did.  I've never been the "touchy-feely" sort of person, but I wanted to hug him.

         "I…Draco…I never…" But I never got to finish my train of thought.  Blackness formed around my eyes and before I gave in to the inky darkness I thought back to his words.

         'Draco, I never knew…'

         Maybe I wasn't the only one with a mask; maybe we all wear masks to protect the true self deep within…

         I woke up to a poorly lit room that was unfamiliar to me.  The drapes and covers along the bed were black and there was a large candle on the nightstand to my left.  I was thankful for the dim light because my hand was hurting me as if a hammer was pounded consistently upon it.  Suddenly a voice arose from the shadows in front of me.

         "If you play a trick like that again, I'll be forced to take you to Madam Pomfrey, and I know you want to avoid publicity."

         "Where am I Draco?"

         "My private quarters, I guess there's some good having such an influential and wealthy father." He snorted out his answer.

         "What happened?  Drats I have a headache…"

         "You fainted to put it bluntly.  It's a side effect of not eating properly, and loss of blood." The look on his face turned from anger to almost…concern.  Well as close to concern that a Malfoy could feel anyway.

         I didn't respond, I knew what he was thinking.  He was priding himself in the fact that he was right and I, like always, was wrong.  I realized just then that maybe I couldn't handle it alone anymore.  But who would help someone like me anyway?  Draco?  No, he wouldn't, it would be against his nature.  But the thought still lingered somewhere in the back of my head.

         "Look Ginny, you need to eat.  I wasn't going to force you before but if you don't eat right now then I'll be forced to take you to Dumbledore and he would then inform your parents.  I know you don't want your little…secret…to slip out.  So you'll do as I say, or you're not leaving."

         "Why are you doing this Draco?  One minute you're accusing me of being spoiled and wanting attention; then you accuse me of being naïve.  What sick joke is this?  Why can't you just leave me alone!"

         "If I leave you alone you'll die Ginny!  Think this little fainting spell was an accident?  Soon you're skin would tint yellow, then after your insides devour every piece of muscle and fat cell in your body you'll go into a coma.  From then you'd simply die Ginny, you'd simply just slip away little by little as you starve yourself.  Think I'm the only one who noticed?  You're wrong.  I've heard people commenting already Ginny.  'Ginny looks too pale.' 'Ginny seems to have lost a lot of weight.'  And that's not all, I heard the teachers whispering amongst themselves.  They're looking to talk to you if it keeps up.  They're going to find out Ginny, and I then there's no way out of the publicity that you'll go through.  People will talk, you'll be sent somewhere till you recover, and yes, even a nice little scandal will form.  I can see the headlines of the Daily Prophet now.  "Ginny Weasley, only daughter of Arthur and Molly, was sent to St. Mungo's Hospital after being diagnosed with an Anorexia Nervosa."  Then, if you think that's bad enough, you're brothers will suffer.  Yes, perfect little Percy Weasley will take a hit with that one in the ministry.  Who wants someone leading the ministry when they can't even help their own family? And then they'll come after you Ginny.  You're family will shun and disown you for being a failure, for disappointing them.  Think that won't happen?  Try it, go on and try it Ginny.  Stop eating, forever, let yourself get caught."

         "You're lying!  It's not true!  It's not true…" I was in tears; I couldn't stop them from coming.  I felt weak and tired and so incredibly numb.  But damn him he was right!  They would blame me and then everyone would know what a failure I am to my family.  I collapsed back onto the black covers of Draco's bed and stared down at my own think hands.  Was it that noticeable?  Did people already suspect something?

         "Look, I'm sorry I was harsh about what I said.  But I'm not lying to you.  I brought you some low-fat chocolate stuff to eat so you won't have to worry about your weight and it'll make you feel better.  It's on the nightstand beside you." He turned to leave then at that moment and I tried to stop him, I didn't want to be alone, even if the company was one of my brother's worst enemies.

         "I'm sorry." I spit out before thinking about what I was going to say.

        

         He turned around and raised one delicate golden eyebrow.  I took that as a means to continue.

         "I'm sorry I'm being such a nuisance to you.  I know you don't want to help me, but I'm thankful that you are nonetheless.  I'm also sorry for not realizing what you were going through at home.  I've heard rumors and all, but I tried not to listen to them.  I just assumed that everything was okay since you didn't seem too worried about it when you are here at school."

         "In my household you learn to shield your emotions quickly; it's your only means for survival.  Now eat, I'll return in a few minutes.  I have to speak with Professor Snape about something."

        

         And then he was gone.  I didn't feel ashamed anymore about eating the chocolate.  I realized the consequences if I didn't.  I couldn't let my life slip away like that; I couldn't lose control.  I had to win the battle…

         My life depended on it…