"The Butler Did It"

"The Butler Did It" 1/?

Author: Nefret24

Disclaimers: They. Aren't. Mine. This is the self-help mantra I must repeat 15 times to myself, both in the morning and in the evening (not to mention moments of weakness, i.e. now) or my therapist will come over and inject me with something nasty. They. Aren't. Mine. They. Aren't. Mine.

Category: General humor. Wow. That must be a first. (For me, anyways)

Author's Note: Response to the challenge, WW/ Clue crossover.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Thunder crashed. Lightning struck. Rain fell in torrents and people got wet while scurrying to their cars and other forms of cover.

Know why?

Cuzit was a dark and stormy night in Washington, D.C.

On this self same dark and stormy night, after most of the staff had gone home, a meager few still remained in a dimly lit, well furnished room of the White House. They were waiting for their host to arrive.

One man was waving his invitation in the air theatrically. "This can't be right. I'm the butler? How did I get to be the butler?"

All eyes in the room leveled at Sam.

"I would just like to know why I have to be the butler," he said in more moderated tones.

"The butler did it, you know," Josh smirked from his slouching position on one of the couches.

"I did not!"

"Ask any paragon of the fictional detective world and they'll tell you the butler always does the dirty deed," Toby added gruffly.

"I can't believe not only am I being falsely accused of a crime I didn't commit"

"Because it's imaginary," muttered Toby.

"But that in addition, I am reduced to the hired help! You guys at least get to be 'guests.' "

"If it makes you feel better, Sam, I'm stuck being a girl," Josh said sourly.

"You're not a girl," Donna chided. "Your invitation specifically says 'To Mister Peacock- a name which could not possibly be more appropriate"

"Yeah, tell me you had nothing to do with that," Josh grumbled.

"I might have given Margaret a few helpful pointers, yes."

"Well, I don't see what you're so smug about," Sam said, taking the side of his friend. "Technically speaking, you're the maid."

"Assistant to Josh- same difference," said CJ wickedly, winning a grin from Donna and a sneer from her spin boyz.

"Just because you got a good identity, CJ" Sam began, gesturing again with his invite.

"Yep. I'm a sex goddess. Amazing how art imitates life like that."

"Look, Miss Scarlet-"

"That's Ms. Scarlet to you, Wadsworth."

"Skank."

"Butler."

" 'Ho."

"Valet."

"Jezebel."

"Closet mass murderer."

"This is so unfair! I demand to know why I get stuck with this part!" Sam said, giving up under the pressure of CJ's glare.

At this point, the doors to the room swung open in a wide arc, admitting the last two guests to the party.

"Let the party begin! Where is the birthday girl?" the first man said.

"She isn't here yet, Mr. President," Toby sighed, picking the lint off the arm of his chair.

"Ah ah ah, you're forgetting" he waggled his finger at Toby.

With another exasperated sigh, "We have no idea. Professor."

"That's better. How can she be missing her own party? Do you know where she is?" he asked his companion.

"How the hell am I supposed to know? It's probably just Margaret being Margaret. She'll show up," Leo shrugged.

Josh shifted in his seat as Leo sat down at the chair to his left and the President on the couch opposite him and Donna with CJ.

"You're a colonel, right?" Bartlet asked Leo.

"Apparently."

"I can't decide what I want to be a professor of"

"Try economics," said Toby bluntly.

"Been there, done that. I was thinking maybe history"

"And he's prepared the lecture too," Leo added, glancing at his fellow staffers with a knowing look.

"What about Latin?" Josh suggested sarcastically.

"Now, you see, Josh, I was considering that, and I think maybe that's what I'll be. Now do you want to conjugate "amo" for the rest of the night?"

"No, sir, professor sir, " Josh stammered.

"Good. Then no more snide remarks against dead languages."

"All dead languages?"

"Josh."

"Silent as a grave," he nodded as Donna tried to muffle her giggles in her hand.

"That's the spirit!" Bartlet said triumphantly. "This is a mystery party, is it not? Come on, Colonel, it is your secretary," he said, trying to provoke Leo.

"Don't remind me," he said sulkily.

"Come on, it'll be fun. You'll see."

"And it begins with the Mysterious Disappearance of Our Hostess," intoned Toby.

"Right, To- uh, who are you again?"

"Mr. Green, professor."

"Ah, yes. Which Mr. Green are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, in the game he's always the maliciously evil looking one, but in the movie he's the girly man."

Toby's eyes widened several centimeters past their normal limits and then narrowed into a glare.

"I think we can safely say the maliciously evil looking one," said CJ trying desperately hard to stifle her laughter, as she watched Toby's face contort into a grimace. He looked sympathetically at Leo.

"Hey, if I'm stuck here, so are you," Leo said in reply. And to the President he added, " I don't even want to know where that came from."

"Family nights, Colonel. I've been the Clue champion for years now."

"Great. Just great," Toby said, scratching the lint free arm of his chair with impatient fingers.

"I'm sure she'll be here any minute, Mr I mean, Professor," Donna chimed in. "She had props and things to pick up from home. She'll be here," she said, defensively to everyone.

"And you're Mrs.White?" the President asked her.

"No. Miss. Miss White. See, that makes me inherently a different character- not a maid," she added glaring at Sam, "but"

"A fun lovin' single American gal," Josh sarcastically filled in.

"Well yes," she said reluctantly, elbowing Josh in the arm.

"Ow."

"Life imitating art," the President chuckled.

"Couldn't have said it better myself," CJ joined in.

"I believe you did say," Josh chided.

"Well, it's as true now as it was then, Mister Pea-cock."

"You're a girl?" Leo asked Josh, raising his eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"Sorry," he sympathized.

"Tell me about it."

A silence fell over the group. The wind howled, the rain poured

If there had been moors and/or hounds in Washington D.C. near Pennsylvania Ave, there would have been hounds braying on the moors.

CJ shivered. "What made Margaret choose to have a murder mystery party anyway?"

"She thought it would be a throwback to her youth" Donna began.

"How old is she?" Sam asked.

"None of your damn business," CJ barked up. "In the name of the sisterhood, I swear-"

"Never ask a woman about her age," murmured Josh in Sam's direction.

"The voice of experience?" asked the President, grinning.

"Let's just say I'm still recovering."

"So. What's next?" the President asked, leaning forward and clasping his hands.

"Well, there's drinks on the sidebar and finger foods. Apparently she was at least partially ready for us," remarked Sam thoughtfully.

"Well, then, Jeeves-"

"My name is Wadsworth, Mr.- I mean, Professor."

"Wadsworth- proceed to buttle."

"Sir, I don't think that's a word-"

"Are you going to argue with a Latin professor? Would you like to recite the entire Aenied? Backwards?"

"Yes. Buttle. Right," said Sam, turning towards the sidebar.

Sam proceeded to take and give out drink orders, and while the President was distracted, Leo and Toby got two minutes to discuss policy before they were reminded again of their roles.

"How did you get to be a Colonel, again?" asked "Professor Plum."

"Hard work, perserverence, and the luck of the draw."

"No, I mean, really. Who'd you grease?"

"I hope Margaret's enjoying herself wherever she is," Leo said disgustedly. "And that she gets her ass here PDQ so I can have a piece of cake and leave."

"What about singing? Aren't you going to help sing Happy Birthday?" asked Josh.

"I. Don't. Sing," Leo growled.

"I'm with Leo," piped up Toby.

"Josh is singing," Donna said cheerfully.

"Good God," moaned CJ. "Please noooo-"

Josh launched into the chorus of "My Way" and was half standing on the sofa, crooning into his fist.

Finally, Donna calmed him down and as she put it, "sequestered his imaginary microphone."

At this point, Mr. Peacock sulked, along with Mr. Green and Colonel Mustard. Professor Plum remained in high spirits, Ms. Scarlet was merely grateful for the liquor, Miss White was concerned over the safety of her friend driving on the roads in such conditions, and Wadsworth had started making his third circle of the room with the cheese puffs.

"Cheese puff?" he asked Toby, in a polite voice.

"Go away."

Sam ignored his rude remark and stooping, picked up Toby's fallen napkin.

"You didn't have to do that," Toby said, blushing as Sam folded the paper napkin carefully into fourths and placed it in his pocket with a dramatic flourish.

"I'm the butler. I keep things tidy," he sniffed, and proceeded to ask CJ if she cared for another cheese puff.

"Why isn't Margaret here yet?" Donna fidgeted nervously on the couch next to Josh. He had his arm draped along the back of the sofa and reached out a hand to place on her shoulder.

"She's fine. Probably went the wrong way on Dupont Circle."

"I wish I could be so optimistic."

"Okay, that's it!" Bartlet stood up. "Let's form a search party."

"What a ridiculous idea," muttered Leo.

"What was that?"

"I said, fine, sir. Where do you suppose we start looking for our host?"

"Well, there's the billiard room, the conservatory, the ballroom"

"Sam," Toby said warningly, as Sam began to answer Leo's question.

"The kitchen, the lounge, the study"

"Sam-"

"The library, the dining room"

"SAM-"

"And the hall, but there are a lot of hallways in the White House so I think we can count those out. It's only practical," Sam finished with all seriousness. The others were torn between cracking up, disbelief and frustration.

"What clued you in there, Einstein?" retorted Toby angrily.

"The nameis Wadsworth," Sam sniffed.

"Why not try the parking lot, Leo's office, the mess, and the Communications Bullpen for starters?" suggested CJ.

"Good thinking, Ms. Scarlet!" said Bartlet. "Okay, then. Ms Scarlet, you can lead the disagreeable Mr. Green away to the Bullpen, and"

"I'll take the mess," interrupted Sam.

"Yes, Wadsworth. The kitchen must be seen to."

Sam nodded solemnly.

"Why does he get to go to the mess?" whined Josh.

"He's the butler," said Donna, gesturing at Sam who was refilling Bartlet's glass.

"And?"

"It's what he does, apparently."

"Yes," Sam sniffed again.

"Do you have a cold?" asked Leo pointedly.

"And Miss White can go with Mr. Peacock to look for her in the parking lot." Hearing Josh's protestations, he continued, "Oh, the fresh air will do you good. Brighten your feathers. And the Colonel and I will look over his offices."

No one moved.

"Let's go people!" Bartlet yelled, and strode out of the room with Leo, and everyone else, on his heels.