The X-Files Musical!

Or

A Shamelessly Ripped Off Buffy Musical!

CAST: Cassidy Adamsom (Yelena Krycek), Ben, Derek, Dana Scully, Alex Krycek, Walter Skinner, John Doggett, Monica Reyes, Brad Follmer, and a bevy of those characters we love so much we can't resist making fun of!

Scene 1: FBI Building. We watch everyone go about their daily routine i.e. Scully and Doggett in the office, Monica at the computer, etc. Complete silence until Cassidy boards an elevator and it opens, where she breaks out into song.



1 CASSIDY

Every single day, the same old routine, walk about and file the files

(walks out of the elevator and towards AD Skinner's office)

Still the MIB have their same old scheme, no one questions them about E.T. bile

(slams files on secretary's desk and sits down couch)

They've been getting high on making lies

That endanger my life

So I've been going through the motions

(suddenly stands up)

Saying I'm alright

No reason to put up a…

(secretary motions her to be quiet)

Fight…

(music pause. She rolls her eyes and decides to storm the office where A.D.s Skinner, Kersh and Follmer are seated.)

2 SECRETARY

Hey! They're in a meeting!

3 CASSIDY

(continues and stand up on the desk)

I thought it was cool to know a killer, now I think it ain't so great

Trialed by the court, you find yourself being used as bait

4 SKINNER

4.1 Wanted in 10 states

(pause)



CASSIDY

It's not a family trait

(is carried off the desk by the three)

5 FOLLMER, SKINNER and KERSH

She is pretty spry with lethal guys

But lately we can tell

She's just going through the motions

Doing it somehow

6 FOLLMER

Rumour is, those aren't her real---(gets slapped) OW….

7 CASSIDY

(runs out of the office and waits for the elevator to open)

7.1 The problems, there are way too many?

Will he chase me til I'm twenty?

8 OFF CAMERA VOICE

8.1 OH MY GOD! THEY JUST KILLED KENNY!

9 CASSIDY

9.1 Better him than me!

9.2 I'm just going through the motions, living the same lie

I don't want to know

How far it's gonna go

I'm just an intern ho!

But I still want to be….

ALIVE!!!

(Elevator finally opens up. Cassidy steps in.)

Random worker: Alive doesn't rhyme with—

Cassidy: Shaddup.

(elevator closes)

Scene 2: Doggett and Scully's office. Reyes is there as well at the computer. Doggett hangs up a phone.

Doggett: (pause) Is it just me or is---

Reyes: (interrupts anxiously) everyone bursting out in song and dance, revealing their inner, darkest secrets to all but strangers on the street?

Doggett: Actually, I was gonna ask if anyone else felt the draft but, sure, that too.

Reyes: Oh.

Scully: (sifting through files) So Agent Doggett, what did you sing about?

Doggett: What? Me? I don't sing. Nor am I the dancing type.

Cassidy: (walks in) Then why did I see you doing the macerena outside your car?

Doggett: Eh…heh..….you're fired.

Reyes: What do you think it could be Agent Scully?

Scully: Please. Everyone's just in a jovial mood…maybe it's just—

10 REYES

(suddenly hops out from her seat)

I've got a theory.

It could be Satan.

It's my department, so I think that I would know!

11 SCULLY

I've got a theory

It may be fate an'

There's nothing paranormal, let's not waste more dough

12 CASSIDY

12.1 I've got a theory we should dig and see

13 DOGGETT & CASSIDY

'Cause this could be a stunt done by a conspiracy

14 SKINNER

(runs in to join)

It could be FOX guys!

Some evil FOX guys!

Which is ridiculous 'cause Rupurt Murdoch is my God, he sends my kids to college, FOX rules and I'll stand over here (winks to the camera)

14.1 CASSIDY

14.2 I've got a theory! It could be midgets!

(pause)

15 DOGGETT

I've got a the—

16 CASSIDY

16.1 Midgets aren't as cute as everybody supposes!

They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!

And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyways?

MIDGETS! MIDGETS! IT MUST BE MIDGETS!

(silence)

Or maybe bunnies?

17 DOGGETT & SCULLY

17.1 I've got a theory we should fix this thing

'Cause half this cast can't dance judging from how they sing

18 REYES

18.1 I've got a theo—

19 BENJAMIN

(walks in puts an arm around Cassidy)

It doesn't matter

What's can't we face if we're together?

Aliens, we've got them all weathered

UFOS

The future holds

We won't know

Til we implode

(silence)

With…love?

20 ALL

What's in this world that we can't get passed?

We'll open a giant can of whoop-ass

We gotta stop

This singalong

It's so wrong

21 SCULLY

21.1 I'm still a single mom

22 ALL (stand up and gather in a circle! KOOM-BI-YAY!)

22.1 What can't we complete if we don't try?

Our contracts guarantee we don't die

There's nothing we can't face…

23 CASSIDY

23.1 Except for Rupurt Murdoch….. I mean, midgets!

(they end all hugging each other)

SCULLY: That's not my shoulder Agent Doggett.

(Everyone slowly backs away from each other)

REYES: Maybe we should uh, split up into teams…figure what the hell this thing is.

SKINNER: Right. Reyes and I will stay here. Scully and Doggett can go investigate. (makes eyes at Reyes)

REYES: (holds back her breakfast)

DOGGETT: Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. (Scully nods and the two of them grab their coats and head out.)

REYES: That's not my shoulder, A.D. Skinner.

SKINNER: That isn't my hand.

(BENJAMIN and CASSIDY slowly slip away from the office)

Scene 1: Parking lot. DOGGETT and SCULLY are exiting the building

DOGGETT: Ah, this is nice. I like spending time alone with you Agent Scully.

SCULLY: You always spend time alone with me, Agent Doggett.

DOGGETT: Why not call me John?

SCULLY: 'Cause it's a dumb ass name.

DOGGETT: (huffy) Oh, like Fox is any better?!

SCULLY: Do I detect a hint of jealously?

DOGGETT: Well, no…yes…I mean…Agent Scully…Dana…I…

SCULLY: Let me guess…

24 SCULLY

24.1 You lived your life in shadow, never the light on your face

You lived like a damn hermit, you figured that was your place

Now here you've been lead

You're falling for a red-head!

Your under my spell

You just can't confess, I'm your FBI goddess

Your nervous I can tell

Nothing's more sexy than chasing down an E.B.E

You saw a world enchanted, magic unfold everywhere

Admit it, you just want to get into my underwear!

But love and work? God knows

We'll end up on Jenny Jones!

Your under my spell

I'm just so exotic 'cause autopsies are so erotic!

You looked and then you fell

But that's alright with me

I'm looking for my child's daddy!

I made you believe!!

A moon to the ti—

DOGGETT: Actually, Agent Scully, I was just gonna tell you you looked hot today.

SCULLY: (stops singing and dancing about) Oh. Well. Then….Wanna make out in the back seat of your car?

DOGGETT: Damn straight!

(runs off screen)



Scene 4: In Scully's office.

REYES: Ugh. Skinner, your on my lap.

SKINNER: I can't help it. (pause) You know you want me.

REYES: WHAT?! (sarcastic) Oh baby. The undying attraction. Uh-uh. Work it.

SKINNER: Damn straight! (attempts to jump her)

REYES: Whoa whoa whoa, sarcasm, buddy. You're just a … little too feminine for my likings, buddy.

SKINNER: But I thought that's how you liked your…significant others! It was water cooler gossip! Just that! I—

25 REYES(turns to camera)

26 This is the man who I plan to sue later

27 Isn't he gross?

28 High in the day when his wife is away

29 But later morose

30 But now if I should quell

31 He kinda looks like a good sell

32 He's kinda cute—hey? WHAT THE HELL!?! (looks surprised at herself)

33 I'll never tell!

(rants)

SKINNER (turns to camera)

She is the one, such wonderful fun, she's one of a kind

A nice tight…embrace, and her face doesn't show a day past forty nine!

REYES: I'm thirty four.

SKINNER: Oh.





34 SKINNER

Although she's kind of odd

And one hell of a creepy broad

I think I'll just sit, smile and nod

'Cause I'll never tell

35 BOTH

(look away from each other)

'Cause there's nothing to tell

36 REYES

(stands up)

He's sweet

37 SKINNER

She's insane

38 REYES

Don't care if he got no mane

SKINNER

Now I finally understand that I've been wrong

39 REYES

I never saw it

40 SKINNER

I'm glad I finally fought it

41 REYES

What the hell have I been missing all along?

42 BOTH

The vibe gets kind of scary

43 SKINNER

(sarcastic)

Like she'll ever want to marry

44 REYES

I don't care if he ain't hairy

45 SKINNER

Hey! My crush was temporary!

46 BOTH

We're both goin' to hell

So Thank God I'll never tell!

47 REYES

When things got colder

He hid behind his Mulder

But now he cannot shoulder

The FBI blow

48 SKINNER

They want to can me

Reyes voice sounds really manly

She—

49 REYES

49.1 I want a family!

50 SKINNER

This is my verse, hello?!

She—

51 REYES

(starts filing)

Look at me! I'm filing CRAZY!!!

(dance interlude with the oyvan, and the filing and the layden, and the dancing and OY my ulcer!)

52 BOTH

You know…

53 REYES

(dips him)

You're not so smarmy

54 SKINNER

(scared)

Please, God, don't harm me

55 REYES

You're the cutest of the cast and

I want to jump you fast

And your firm yet supple—

Never mind!

(starts chasing him around the room)

SKINNER: Agent Reyes! STOP! QUIT IT, BART, QUIT IT!! (runs out of the room, screaming like a little girl)

56 REYES

He's swell

And oh hell

Would I like to ring his bell

Too bad his focus no longer lies within me

But what if

He gets into a tiff

That will destroy relations with his dear Scully!

That's it!

It's got to be!

That "if"

Is darling Agent Scully

If I break their little rendez-vous

Then he's gotta fall back for me soon!

To get back my own dear Skinner

I may even have to kill her

Am I crazy?

Should I hurt her?

Do I really gotta murder?

Hey, if Walter comes right back to me then it's all very well!

But thank God I'll never tell!

I'll swear I'll never tell!

My lips are sealed….

(grabs stapler menacingly)

I take the fifth…

Nothing to see…move it along..

I'll never…

REYES: (loudly) I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, AGENT SCULLY! (runs off. Then runs back in sheepishly to grab the stapler and runs off again)

Scene 5: Warehouse. Cassidy and Ben walk in.

BEN: Ooo…kind of kinky. I like it.

CASSIDY: Keep it in your pants, Benji.

BEN: (looks around) I told you not to call me that in public!

CASSIDY: ("what the hell?" look) Anyways, I got a call from an informant.

BEN: And they said to meet here? Isn't that kind of….

CASSIDY: Dangerous?

BEN: I was going to say kinky, but sure that too.

CASSIDY: Don't worry. I've paged everyone for back up just in case. (pauses) So, how come we haven't burst into a duet yet?

BEN: (shrugs) Maybe we have nothing to hide from each other.

BOTH: (mutter) Right.

(loud noise)

CASSIDY: Hold me back, Ben…

BEN: Sweet! Benji scores tonight!

KRYCEK: Not so fast…(appears on the second floor and walks down)

CASSIDY: (roles eyes) The prodigal son returns.

KRYCEK and BEN: (exchange "what the hell?" looks)

CASSIDY: What the hell do you want?

KRYCEK: Just thought you could give me a little information as to why I burst into a full orchestra swing ensemble piece over a box of cheerios.

CASSIDY: Me? I thought YOU were my informant.

KRYCEK: (shrugs) What are you gonna do?!

CASSIDY: Okay. This whole thing is starting to irritate me…you'd better go before I…I…

KRYCEK: burst?

BEN: INTO FLAMES?!

KRYCEK: (suddenly takes on English accent) No you ninny, into song—

57 CASSIDY

I died, so many years ago

Why won't you leave me be?

Just leave me alone

If I'm such a plague to you

Why won't you let it go?

Oh…

You feel

The need to be alarmed

Don't always got a back up plan

That's how you lost your arm

Your pretending spy versus spy

Can get you in such harm

That's great

But I don't want to play

I'm sick of all your back stabbings

I'm tired of your games

I can't speak good Russian, so in English, let me say:

Let me rest in peace!

Let me rest in peace!

Let me get some sleep!

Let me take my past and bury in a hole six feet deep!

I can lie and say I'm okay

And I've found my sweet release!

But let me rest in peace!

KRYCEK: It's not all my fault you know.

BEN: Don't look at me!

BOTH: Shaddup.

58 KRYCEK

You know

I wasn't half this bad

Til this prom queen stormed in my life

"Spying's just a fad"

If you don't stop,

I'm going to pop

You haven't seen me mad

So let me rest in peace!

I know, I should go

But I follow you, 'cause we need each other

Even though we despise and loathe one another

You even look a lot like our late mother

Hey I got to protect you 'cause I'm your big brother!

59 BOTH

But I can't breathe! You've got me smothered!

So leave me be!

And let me rest in peace!

Let me get some sleep!

Let me take my past and bury it in a hole six feet deep!

I know I said I won't hurt you

But I'm feeling a release!

So let me rest in peace!

Let me rest in peace!

(long pause)

BEN: God, I'd really hate to come to your family reunions.

(doors suddenly close)

CASSIDY: Very funny, Alex.

KRYCEK: Uh, don't look at me.

(suddenly, men and bunnies galore storm the warehouse!)

BEN: (girly scream) BUNNIES! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)

CASSIDY: (drops him and hisses) Derek.

DEREK: Smiles everyone.

KRYCEK: So your behind this.

DEREK: What the bunnies? Yes, but sadly, not the singing. It's a pity someone thought it up. I'm actually quite jealous.

CASSIDY: The violins are playing, I'm sure.

DEREK: Just for you three, actually.

KRYCEK, CASS, BEN: eep.

(Derek, embarrassed as hell, begins to tap dance)

60 DEREK

(grabs CASSIDY as the men and bunnies surround KRYCEK and BEN)

Why'd you run away?

Don't you like my dance?

I recall a time, you wanted to

Get in my pants!

Don't you miss our heart and soul connection?

Okay, we just did it, but we still had affection!

Why don't you stay a while?

And entertain your fans!

You're the hottest thing

Well, second to me

When you got to sing

Let your hormones go free!

I don't know who cast these strange ditties

But we've let loose all our little gritty

Secrets now, why don't we just party on

'Cause I know what you feel girl,

I know just what you feel girl

BEN: So these are good bunnies? Bringing the fun in?

KRYCEK: He never said that, moron.

61 DEREK

Hah.

(points to Ben)

All these petty things, they go on too long (turns back)

You need someone who'll always come on strong

All those hearts lay open – that must sting

We're meant to be so won't you please wear my ring?

Don't waste a second chance, life is but a song

You're the reason I'm still in this town

And I'm dying to move on and go down

(awkward)

Back we will go to snow filled Chicago

It's where you want to go

'Cause I know what you want girl

62 CASSIDY

No you see, it can't be

This whole sitch just can't be true

63 DEREK

I can make you feel, girl

64 CASSIDY

What I mean, I'm nineteen

And I have no love for you

DEREK

64.1 Now I've played nice for your own boost

Now what the hell is your damn excuse?

65 CASSIDY

(uncomfortable)

Please let go, 'cause you know

I feel like I'm in a cage

66 DEREK

Something's cooking, something you're not saying

So help me girl, if you do not stop playing

67 CASSIDY

I refuse, to amuse

And reveal that I am engaged

(silence)

CASSIDY: Uh…uh…to the….the BUNNY!!

RANDOM BUNNY:…Or perhaps a midget?

DEREK: Engaged?….(looks to Ben, mad) Engaged! Hmph… (starts to laugh) What's a wedding without…the bride and groom? Or the guests?

CASSIDY: Huh?

ALL THREE:…uh-oh.

68 DEREK

Now we're partying

That's what it's all about!

DEREK: Take them away! (The trio get locked in a tiny dark room)

CASSIDY: Ick. Mulch. What are you going to do huh? Ehe…WHAT?!

KRYCEK: Engaged?!

BEN: (whines) I thought we weren't going to tell them yet!

KRYCEK: Engaged?! That leads to…m…m…m….and then to….ch…ch…ch… you can't! I forbid you! I am putting my fist down! (waves prosthetic arm threateningly)

CASSIDY: (angry) Oh right. Mister authority figure can do anything. Oh right, except CLAPPING!

BEN: (yells to outside) Can I get a separate cell please?

CASSIDY: I'm going to be FINE on my own if you just gave me some space! (goes to BEN)

69 KRYCEK

You're not ready for the world outside

You keep pretending everything's alright

And I may threatened to be standing at your side

But I…

You may be vapid, you may be young

But at your age, I was way more dumb

And maybe this one-armed man has finally sung

That I…

I wish I could be the brother

You wanted me to be

Wish I could be the one who

Finally set you free

Wish I could show emotion

But now I clearly see

That I am standing in your way

(to Ben)

I know your brainwashed by society

But if you love her, it's okay with me

Cause you're deserving as deserving can be

But I… (turns back)

Wish I could've been there for you

For all those awkward years

Wish I could scare your demons

Annihilate your fears

Wish I could walk you down

That aisle full of tears

But I'm just standing in the way

Just standing in the way

(cut to simultaneous scene of RUPURT MURDOCH (!) watching his ratings go higher and higher!)

70 RUPERT

They're under our spell

God how can this be?

I found quality TV!

This network's been through hell

Oh, the irony

No more David Duchovny! (frolicks)

You make me believe!

(door suddenly slams and David Duchovny walks in)

DAVID: I've changed my mind! FOX needs me! Humanity needs me!

RUPERT: What? You can't do that! Your departure has left open a window of opportunity! A "WOO" if you will!

DAVID: Yeah well, the film career I had hoped for…well…one word: Evolution. I'm back in business! (hands him contract and runs away)

RUPERT: (cries after him) But Evolution was a decent movie! (sob) Not now! We have the viewers AND the critics under our spell! UNDER OUR SPELL!

71 KRYCEK RUPERT

(to Cassidy) (to ratings)

Believe me, I don't want to go Believe me, I don't want to go

And it'll grieve me 'cause And it'll grieve me 'cause I

I need you so need you so

We both know We both know

Wish I could be the brother Wish I could say that it was

You wanted me to be Always this way but I can't

Wish I had beat up Derek lie that bad I never thought

And finally set you free David would be a working

71.1 Wish I could… dad…Wish I could

Stay…

Wish I could stay here

Wish I could stay here

Wish I could stay.

(Rupert breaks down crying and so does Krycek)

BEN: I've never seen a man cry so hard before.

RANDOM BUNNY: All those years of torment…

BEN: GAAAAAAH! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)

72 Scene 6

(A montage of Scully and Doggett walking, of Reyes sharpening a butcher's knife, and of Skinner hiding under his desk)



DOGGETT: Uh, Agent Scully, you know, we could've driven that car we were just in.

SCULLY: Yeah, but walking has a more dramatic effect.

DOGGETT: Touche.

(cut to REYES)

REYES: No one steals my man. Isn't that right Mr. Pointy? Yes, it is! Yes it is! (Mr. Pointy emerges as a pet rottweiler)

(cut to SKINNER)

SKINNER: (eating pork under his desk) I feel so guilty. (pause) But I'm not Jewish. Hmm… Shouldn't I be doing something …. (pause) Oh. Right. (suddenly runs off)

(cut to…)

CASSIDY: I don't think anyone's coming to get us. Maybe no one listens to me after all. Huh, Benji?

BENJI: (rocking himself in a corner) Bunny, Bunny, Bunny…I made it out of clay…

KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (exchange looks)

(cut to…)

(MULDER walks up to the nearest puddle. Suddenly, out emerges Shannon.)

SHANNON: Is it time for the shameful guest appearance yet?

MULDER: I'd say so.

(start to walk together)

MULDER: You do realize that you're totally not wearing proper..uh…attire, right?

SHANNON: Damn straight,

MULDER: (shrugs) Hey whatever works for you.

(cut to)

CASSIDY: Maybe if we just figured out what was behind this…

KRYCEK: Or who…

BEN: Or maybe…what?

KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (pretend they didn't hear that)

(cut to)

73 SHANNON

I touch the fire

And it's fine with me

I look into it

Feel capable

I may be buoyant

But I'm not shy and coy and

Also inflammable

Now through the smoke they call to me

To them I walk, or swim, or lug

Why do I do it? Well there is nothing to it

It's just a TV plug

So I will walk through the fire

FOX has nowhere to turn

I will walk through the fire

Ratings will---

74 REYES

The grudge I bear is controlling me

Do I understand the facts?

The bitch will fry, and Skinner will be mine!

I should've brought an axe…

75 DEREK

'Cause they are drawn to the fire REYES

Will FOX ever learn? Some networks never learn

They are drawn to the fire They are drawn to the fire

Ratings will--- Ratings will---

76 SKINNER

How come Reyes's is getting stranger?

Are my agents all in danger?

Will my job insurance cover this?

77 DOGGETT

Will I get some when we've won?

78 SCULLY

Maybe when the show is done

There are rules and Murdoch's got a list

79 ALL but DEREK

In 60 minutes

We'll get through 'cause we are in it and

We'll walk through the fire…

80 DEREK

So one by one they come to me

To fight and scorn, to bare their teeth

But while they fight

They're all set to die

This February 14th

81 SHANNON DEREK

He's a plotter's protégé So one by one …

82 MULDER

I always knew he was gay!

83 SHANNON CASSIDY

No you fool, that means he's just evil Going through the motions

MULDER: Oh.

84 REYES

I'll get Skinner back today!

85 CASSIDY DEREK

Hey today is Cupid's Day! It's what they have inside

Is love the reason we've lost our will?

(All the others stand at different entrances of the warehouse)

86 SHANNON DEREK

This final days are finally ending in a haze They will come…to me

87 ALL

'Cause we are caught in the fire

It's what Murdoch yearns

We are caught in the fire

Ratings will burn

Burn

Let them burn!

(in a montage, SHANNON and MULDER, DOGGETT and SCULLY, SKINNER, and REYES kick down different doors and enter)

REYES: SCULLY!

SCULLY: MULDER!

SKINNER: REYES?!

DOGGETT: SKINNER?!

CASSIDY: (kicks down door)

MULDER: Marisa?

(silence)

(Everyone is surrounded by the men and guns and the bunnies with guns…yes they have guns too! What do you think they were threatening everyone with?!)

CASSIDY: Stop! Reyes! Put the knife down! Doggett! Stop groping Scully! Everyone! STOP! I think I know what's going on here…

SHANNON: Enlighten us.

CASSIDY: Today is February 14th! Valentine's Day! Someone must have cast some love spell and it went horribly wrong.

(silence)

DEREK: Kill them.

BEN: Wait!! Wait!! Wait-…uh….(raises hand)…I…well…I just wanted to know how the true feelings about the engagement

DOGGETT: (look to KRYCEK and BEN) You too are getting married? Good for you!

KRYCEK: Not ME! Him and HER!

DEREK: Alright! Enough of this! KILL THEM ALL!

OUTSIDE VOICES: Not so fast!

DEREK: What the he---

(WB executives storm the warehouse with even BIGGER guns and even BIGGER bunnies…with guns of course)

WB exec #1: You've stolen something that's been copyrighted! You must pay the price! WB style!

MULDER: Wha? That's insane! UPN owns the rights to Buffy:The Vampire Slayer now!

WB exec #2: (winces) Don't remind me. Dispose of them all.

SHANNON: Hey, we're FOX characters; you can't get rid of us.

REYES: Yeah. Guns can't REALLY harm us.

WB exec #3: But shameless cross-overs can…JOSHUA!

(Pacey from Dawson's Creek enters. Theme plays in the background.)

PACEY: Hey Cass…umm…I was thinking…you know, I'm opposed to all the vexatious and mean spirited convolution occurring momentarily and thought that perhaps it would be opportunistic of you and me to facetiously strut out of here and…end up post-coitus?

(silence)

CASSIDY: I think that was a pick up line…but I'm not sure.

DEREK: Okay, I know we're not the best of friends but c'mon. Without Buffy, the WB is nothing! FOX Scoobies?

ALL: Right…

(Cassidy and Reyes run to the upper level while Scully and Shannon stay on the bottom and start kicking ass with the boys)

88 CASSIDY

Life's a show

And even if it sucks

We still get owed the bucks

And you'll all end up fu—(Reyes shuts her mouth)

89 REYES

It's alright

If we just stay in line

We're still in season nine

And we're doing just fine!

90 SHANNON

Where there's us (punch) there's hope

We can save (kick) a show

91 SCULLY

We've done it (hit) before

Look at sea-(punch) –son four!

92 FOUR

Work hard, all day

93 CASSIDY

Can't be like other shows!

When you're hired you got to know

94 SHANNON

This is X-Files

This is X-files

It doesn't have to make any sense

95 ALL

Aaahh….ahhh…

96 REYES

No, it doesn't have to make any sense

97 ALL

Ahhhh…..ahhh

98 KRYCEK

Life's a show

And it can be a dog

The lighting, you will hog

When your director's God

99 MULDER

Still it's true

We're lured through this by bait and

This contract, it is saying

It is signed by Satan!

100 SKINNER

All the lies (punch) we sell

'Cause ratings aren't (kick) so well

101 DOGGETT

They soon got (punch) too weak

Around sea-(kick) –son three

At least, to me

(At this point, almost all of the WB execs have been chased out or beaten up. Including Joshua Jackson ~yippee!~)

102 CASSIDY

On if they understand

There are labour laws in this land!

103 BEN

They can't reprimand!

What they always demand!

104 MULDER

There was no pain

No hurt or blaze

Til they put us on

Sundays

So that's what we say

It's all a haze

'Cause they put us on

Sundays

So give us something to act about!

Please give us something to act about!

105 SCULLY

(runs to him)

Life's not a show

Life is not FOX

Nor a TV box

It's living

You'll always be free

You're you, I can see

Just Dave Duchovny

You're living

(silence. Everyone looks around the room. The WB execs are gone. Everything's cleared up. It's just been one big misunderstanding. And so, finally our last spoof son--)

DEREK: Whoa whoa whoa, just hold on a minute. Nothing's been cleared up.

REYES: I still want to kill Scully!

BEN: I still need to get married!

KRYCEK: (points to Shannon) Anyone else see that this lady is awfully nude?

DOGGETT and DEREK: (whine) We want to get some!

KRYCEK: Well, I don't MEAN awfully because…

SHANNON: Shaddup.

KRYCEK: Done and done.

(Everyone starts to bicker)

106 CASSIDY

106.1 Where do we go from here? BEN

106.2 Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?

107 MULDER

Well the battle's won

And Murdoch's done SHANNON

107.1 So we sound our victory cheer So we sound our victory cheer

108 ALL

Where do we go from here?

109 REYES and SKINNER

109.1 This musical's unclear

Tone deaf, the writer can't hear

(Hey! I'm not an auditory learner!!)

110 ALL

We're right back where we might have been

Hey! Let's move to UPN!

Oh yeah…

That's where we go from here!!!

That's where we go….from here!!!!

(pause)

SKINNER: I have a question.

CASS: Yes?

SKINNER: Will it be a Jewish wedding?



THE END!

































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