Chapter IX:
Blood. It was everywhere, on the blankets,
on the pillows, even on her hands and apron. She couldn't escape
it. It was as though the color had seeped into her eyes and
tainted her vision. All she could hear was the sound of someone's
heart beating. Was it her own? Was it Jacob's? God where was it
coming from! She covered her ears against the noise and looked
around frantically. All she could see was a bed, occupied by a
young boy, crying out in pain and clutching his chest. His hands,
as well, were covered in the red substance, and it made her
shudder. Nurses flooded in from every direction. No one seemed to
hear her. Their lips moved and she saw their eyes dart this way
and that, but she couldn't grab their attention. She was
screaming til her lungs ached, and still no relief was provided
to her.
Someone was shaking her. She wasn't aware of
the thought until after she'd jerked violently from her
nightmare. She didn't care at the moment who it was, so long as
they were there and could provide comfort. At first she thought
it was Jean, but the strong arms closing in around her proved
otherwise. It was a man, not the good Doctor McCoy either. He was
smoothing her hair down and whispering to her as though she were
a child, frightened by a storm outside her window. She was
vaguely aware that she was shaking, and the moment the nightmare
flooded back into her memory she yanked her hands from inbetween
herself and her comforter, and stared at them. No blood, not on
the palms, nor on the backs when she flipped them over. She ran
them both through her hair, before burying her face into them and
letting out a shakey breath. "Easy..." All at once, the
voice registered in her mind, and a flood of confusion poured
into her.
"Logan...?" No... it couldn't be him.
He had just been yelling at her hours ago, accusing her of toying
with his emotions. She hadn't known that at the time, but after
sitting down and analyzing the conversation, it made perfect
sense. She decided he was jealous. And then it occured to her
that he had nothing to be jealous about, really. He couldn't be
jealous of a relationship that didn't exist.
"Easy darlin'... don't try and talk...
just relax..." It was hard not to, what with the way he was
slowly rocking back and forth, all the while stroking her hair
and back to alleviate her panic. Her arms ached, and she realized
then how tightly she must be holding him. Muttering an apology,
she loosened the hold, but never completely removed them from
around his waist. It seemed too comfortable a gesture, too
normal, as though they'd done it before.
"It was an awful nightmare... everything
blood red... Ah... Ah tried to scream... but no one could hear
me..."
"Shhh... I heard ya... and I'm
here..."
"Yes... and you shouldn't be..." She
couldn't help but laugh slightly. "We always seem to do
things that are against the rules, don't we?"
"Rules are made to be broken." She
was aware of a lot of things just then. Such as the warmth coming
from his body and resting against hers. The feel of his fingers
sinking into her hair as he continued to hold her close. The
emotion building up inside her was intoxicating... making her
unable to concentrate on anything but him.
Until she remembered her ability to hurt him.
That thought plaguing her mind, she pulled away from him,
offering a small, tight grin. "Sorry... Ah just... Ah don't
want t'hurt you..." He reached forward and flicked a finger
lightly, causing a strand of hair that had fallen into her eyes
to jump up and rejoin the rest of her locks atop her head. He
then held up two hands, and she had to laugh slightly to see
gloves covering both of his hands.
"I thought ahead."
"You can take them off now... Ah... Ah'm
all right." She turned slightly, enough to swing her legs
off the bed and rest her feet upon the floor. The cold sprang up
into them, sending a shiver up her spine in the process. She
reached behind her, absently, and took hold of her thin blanket,
pulling it up and over her still trembling shoulders. The
snapping sound of the gloves being pulled off echoed throughout
her quarters, and she winced, hoping no one heard it. "How
did you get in here...? There are nurses on duty... they'd never
let you..."
"They don't know. I was quiet."
"We could get into trouble..." She
wasn't thinking of his being in her room, not at that present
moment anyway. She realized it all now. She cared for this man,
more than she cared for her patients in general. This was
something else... something she couldn't remember ever feeling
before.
"They'll never know." All at once, it
was clear how close he was because she could feel his warm breath
upon her, just as she could feel his lips close to her ear. He
had moved onto the small bed she slept on, and had wrapped an arm
around her to pull her against him. He'd done so before, once,
back at the dock when she had admitted to him just what she was.
"Ah'm not tha best liar..."
"Just tell them you needed my help
carrying some supplies into the supply closet."
"What...?" She turned to look at him,
confused. How would that convince the others that she didn't have
feelings for him? Then she realized it. He was thinking about
their present condition. "Oh... yeah... Ah'll do
that..." She watched his brow bend in concern as he brought
a hand up and faintly touched her chin to make her look up at
him.
"What is it, Marie?"
"It's... nothin', sugah... nothin'... Ah
guess Ah'm still a little shaky from that dream is all..."
She let out a deep breath, and something inside told her he
hadn't believed a word of it. "So we're back to a first name
basis, hm?" It took a moment to register what she was
implying, but when it did, the sudden shame that filled his eyes
was enough to tell her how sorry he was. "It's all right,
Logan... Ah understand..."
"No... you don't... hell, I don't even
understand it. But for some reason, when that lady told me that
guy had proposed to you, I felt this anger build up... anger that
I haven't felt since landing here. I've done some thinkin'... and
the only logical thing I could come up with was that I was
jealous. Doesn't make much sense to me... it's something I've
never had to deal with before." He sighed and looked down at
the ground, pulling his arm from around her shoulder, and folding
his hands together. He seemed to watch them a long time, not
knowing the words to say. Marie watched him carefully, slowly
coming to grips with the reality that the chance that he felt the
same was very real. "Aw geez, Marie, I'm not the kind of man
that does this sort of talkin'. I can spit out commands, one
right after the other, in the middle of a battle. Then, sittin'
in front of a beautiful woman, I can't even muster up three nice
sentences."
"Logan, you don't have to..."
Somehow, she knew what it was he was trying to say. Maybe it was
because it was what she'd been feeling all this time. Maybe not.
"I do have to... you deserve that much.
You deserve more 'n that..." He rubbed his hands together
and looked up at her, searching her eyes for any kind of sign.
After a few moments, Logan straightened, and turned slightly so
he was better facing her. It looked to Marie as though he'd found
what he was looking for. "All I know is, from the day I woke
up, to this evening when I heard you screamin', there wasn't a
moment gone by that you weren't somewhere in my mind. You may not
be up front always, but you're there, no matter what. An' I like
it that way. There's always been a void somewhere in me that
didn't seem to wanna get filled up. Now I'm thinkin'... well...
I'm thinkin' maybe it has."
"Logan..." She was confused... not
with him, but with herself. All the words he'd just said were
what she'd imagined him saying over and over when she was laying
in bed thinking at night. And still, a part of her didn't want to
hear them, because she knew nothing could come of this. He was a
soldier... the moment they found out he's able to fight again,
they'd set him on a transport and ship him out again. Meanwhile,
she'd remain there, wondering if he was all right, never quite
sure if he was leading troops into battle or sprawled out dead in
a trench.
"Don't tell me no, Marie... not without
good reason." His hand moved slowly, her eyes following its
path up to her cheek, where it rested lightly.
"Ah'm not supposed to..."
"Who're they to..."
"Ah know... they are nobody. They
shouldn't have a say in mah life, but Logan, tha truth is, for
tha time bein', they do. They tell me when Ah eat, sleep, go out,
and yes, they even tell me when Ah can and cannot fall in
love." She sighed heavily, taking his face into her two,
slightly trembling hands, and looked at him. "Ah do care for
you. But Ah can't risk bein' sent back to tha States. Eventually,
you're going to go back to fightin' an' Ah'll be left
here..."
"You're too far ahead of yourself, Marie.
I've got a good month left before they can even think of takin'
me back. That's plenty of time to be together... And after the
war, I'll come back here, throw you over my shoulder, and never
let you out of my sight again."
"Do you know what you're askin' of me,
sugah?"
"I'm asking for time. Don't answer me
right now. Give this a shot. What's the worst that could
happen?"
"Ah don't know, Logan, Ah just
can't..."
"Marie!" The sudden call was almost
too much for her. Her mind was swamped with thoughts, flooded
with confusion, and dampened with doubt. There was so much she
needed to think about... it would take her a month just to sort
through all the present emotions clinging to her.
"That's Betsy callin'..."
"Yeah..."
"Ah need to go... she'll get suspicious if
Ah'm not prompt. You... you can't stay here an' wait, Ah may be a
while and someone is bound to notice you're missin'. Ah don't
know what Ah'm going to do about all this... but Ah can't think
about that now. Ah'm sorry..." She sighed and left him alone
in the room. The chore Betsy needed assistance on took only a
short period of time, leaving Marie to hope Logan would still be
in her room when she returned. She wanted to see him again, be
with him, without all the complications they were both adding.
When she turned to enter her room, however, it
was empty. She tried to ignore the feeling of her heart falling
in her chest as she pulled the blankets back and slid into bed.
All the stress and tension from the day, in addition to the added
feeling of loss still weighing down upon her, made it very easy
for her to fall into a deep sleep, free of all nightmares. In the
midst of her exhaustion, she failed to notice the lone figure,
leaning against her door frame, body outlined by the small shafts
of light streaming in around him. Nor could she see the
countenance, distorted by pain, as he turned, closing the door,
and leaving her in peace.