Archiving: WRFA, Mutual Admiration, Dolphin Haven. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: Fine, fine. They're not mine. Everyone happy now?
Feedback: Sure, bring it on.
Setting: After the movie
Authors notes: U2's turn to supply me with a title...
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Okay, now I've done it. Again. Letting my temper and pride get the better of
me. Now I'm completely alone. Again. Why don't I ever learn? I must be a glutton
for punishment or something.Oh, the shrink would certainly have a field day with me.

You can't be completely sane if you just walk out on the only friend you might
still have. True, he did hurt my feeling pretty bad. No, scratch pretty. He
completely ignored them or ripped them out of my heart and did a little dance
on them if you want to be completely blunt and honest about it.

Then again, what did I really expect? I told Logan I expected him to at least
try to be there for me but that wasn't entirely true. Hoping and praying against all
rationality is more like it. It's not like he's mister senistivity, is it Marie?
He almost dumped me on the side of the road in Canada first time I saw him so
did you really expect him to be there for you?

No, not really. But I so desperately wanted to believe it. Like when he gave me
his dogtags. I don't really know why he did that but wanted to believe he did
it as a sign that he cared so much about me that he gave me his most priced
possession that he would eventually come back.

Did I really read him that wrong? That beneath that ruff exterior and his
I-don't-give-a-shit attitude there was a noble, honourable and loveable man?
Was I wrong on that? I still can't believe that. If he was like he wants
the world to think, he would never have done what he did in order to save
me - the dumping on the side of the road notwithstanding. No way, no how.

It feels like I'm missing something here. Something fundamental that could
explain his behaviour. But what?



How I'd love to know! But it's too late for that now. I deserted him when
he tried to make amends. He sure has at least as much as pride as I have.
Probably more. A lot more. No way I can just go back there, no matter how
much my heart aches for me to do just that.

Yeah, I know what Scott and Jean think. It's just a childhood crush that
I'll grow out of. The "He saved her life and she adores him like he's
her knight in shining armour because of that" routine gets old pretty
quick and so does the pitying looks.

It's not like that at all! Well, maybe a little bit. Microscopic.
No, now I'm lying to myself and not very convincingly either.
It's just, I don't know. Impossible not to fall in love with him.
And not just because he's good-lookin' either. How can one not
love such a tender, protective and caring guy? I refuse to believe that
he's not that. Everything he did before he left really made the impression
that's what he is. Usually deeply hidden but there if you know what
to look for. If he hadn't been, why would he stab himself to help me
and the others at the statue? He really is a man filled to the brim with
contradictions. Both the man I love and the brutal savage. Maybe that's
what's making him so fascinating?

And more than that, we're so much alike it's uncanny. Both proud beyond
reason, stubborn, temperamental, emotional. And this tendency to run
away when things don't go our way. The only thing really makes us
different is our ages and that's a non-issue really. My dad's 16
years older than my mom and their relationship turned out fine.
Except for the throw-your-daughter out-on-the street bit but that was
mutual for their part. They didn't fight about it. They just did it.

So what do I do about this mess? Swallow my pride and go back to Logan?
Keep on running? Get back to Westchester?

Door number two is the most appealing for some bizarre reason. Probably
because that's what I'm used to. Westchester is a big no-no.

Decisions, decisions. How I'd love if I could be that care-free girl
I once was again, even for just a short while but I can't. I don't
even know if she's still alive somewhere in me anymore. Or if everything
that remains is the Rogue.

I so want to be Marie and not only life-sucking Rogue. But I fear I cannot.
Not by myself.

Which means that my decision has been made for me. I will have to go back
and let pride be damned! Don't know if Logan wants to see me the way
I treated him. I guess I will soon find out. For better or worse.

Let life be kind to me for once will you God? And let Logans heart
be as big, loving and caring that I think it is.