Evolution

Part II: Back to Good

By Aeris



Artist: Matchbox 20

Album: Yourself Or Someone Like You

Title: Back 2 Good



It's nothing, it's so normal

You just stand there I could say so much

But I don't go there cause I don't want to

I was thinking if you were lonely

Maybe we could leave here

And no one would know

At least not to the point that we would think so



Chorus:

Everyone here,

Knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else

Well, it's best if we all keep it under our heads

I couldn't tell,

If anyone here was feeling the way I do

But I'm lonely now,

And I don't know how

To get it back to good



Verse:

This don't mean that you own me

Well, this ain't no good, in fact it's phoney as hell

Yeah but things worked out just like you wanted to

If you see me out you don't know me

Try to turn your head, try to give me some room

To figure out just what I'm going to do



Chorus:

Cause everyone here,

Hates everyone here for doing just like they do

And it's best if we all keep this quiet instead

And I couldn't tell,

Why everyone here was doing me like they do

But I'm sorry now,

And I don't know how

To get it back to good



Bridge:

Everyone here,

Is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else

And everyone here's to blame,

And everyone here

Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain,

Everyone here hides shades of shame,

Yeah but looking inside we're the same,

We're the same and

We're all grown now,

Yeah but we don't know how

To get it back to good



Chorus:

Everyone here,

Knows everyone here is thinking 'bout somebody else

And it's best if we all keep this under our heads

See, I couldn't tell,

If anyone here was feeling the way I do

But it's over now,

Yeah I don't know how,

Guess it's over now

There's no getting back to good



Kim stared with barely hidden disgust at the ham sandwich that Lori was biting into. Kerry never would've eaten pork of any kind. A habit she'd picked up from her adopted father, a man who loosely followed the Jewish dietary laws, and who 'conveniently' forgot the law regarding the mixing of dairy and meat products.



The dark-haired woman shifted, revealing the plain white bra under her loosely tied terry robe. Something Kerry never would've worn. She'd been delighted in finding that the short redhead had a vast collection of lace and silk bras and underwear. Reds and blacks.



She could still picture the sheepish grin that Kerry had given her when she'd asked about it. The redhead had cocked one of her eyebrows, giving her a 'come hither' look as she'd replied, "I've always found something...empowering about the feel of silk and lace on skin."



"Hey, are you all right?"



Kim swallowed back the threat of tears as she brought herself back to her current reality. Time to face facts: she wanted Kerry. She needed her. The way she needed air to breathe, and water to drink. She needed to feel the soft, lilac-scented skin against her own. She needed to taste the wine-flavored texture of her mouth... "I'm fine," she said.



Lori set down the remains of her sandwich, washed it down with a mouthful of diet Sprite, then got up and walked over to where Kim sat, kneading gently at her shoulders. "Liar," she chided. "Something's wrong. C'mon, what's eating you?"



Seizing upon the double-entendre as an opportunity to avoid the truth, Kim stood and looked Lori in the eye. "Since you ask..." she replied.



Frustrated, desperate, she roughly grabbed her girlfriend and forcefully kissed her. Devouring the mouth that seemed so wrong. Feeling the body that seemed so out of place against hers. Imagining that it was Kerry there and not Lori.



No matter how hard she tried to rip her eyes from the kitchen window she couldn't. The lean form of the girl was twisting in and out of invisible people, spinning, dribbling, pausing, faking one way then another, until finally leaping into the air and shooting.



For the last two hours she'd been out there taking her frustration and confusion out on her worn basketball. Pushing her body in a way that seemed eerily familiar. 'Gee, I wonder were she learned how to do that?'



"It wasn't your fault."



Kerry nodded absently as April moved next to her. "I'd just finished spring cleaning..." When she'd seen the box she'd automatically started to go through it. All the pictures, the videos, even the letters. She'd kept every personal or semi personal item even remotely connected with her daughter.



She winced slightly at the angry boom of the garage door being hit by a viciously thrown basketball.



When April had asked Kerry to donate the eggs she'd agreed. Her closest two friends in the world had wanted have a child, but couldn't. They had all agreed that they wouldn't tell the child, it was not only easier for all three women, but at the time Kerry had absolutely no interest in children.



Then on September fifth, 1993 she had held a small bundle in her arms. Before Kim, the only one that was able to get past all of her defenses and leave her weak-kneed and smiling. That same bundle had sat quietly in her living room while she, April, and Karen had explained everything.



"Yes, Kerry is biologically your mother," Karen had told the girl. "That is, you were conceived with her eggs, combined with donations from a sperm bank. But April is also your mother, in that she carried you to term in her womb and gave birth to you."



"Yes, and Karen has been just as much a mother to you since then," April was quick to add, taking the hand of the woman she'd chosen to share her life with. "And we both love you just as much as we ever could. Kerry does, too, even if she's only been in your life as a friend."



Kerry wanted to add her agreement and her reassurances that Jaime's discovery hadn't changed anything, but she found she couldn't speak.



When Jaime had stared at her afterwards, there had been no emotion, only a deeply confused, unsure glare. After a long moment the young girl had simply grabbed the basketball that seemed to be a permanent fixture in her life and gone out back.



Kerry took off her glasses and rubbed at eyes that threatened to start watering. "I don't think she'll ever forgive me for this."



She felt April's gentle fingers brush back her hair. "Give it a while, Kerr. Remember how you felt when your parents told you about your adoption?"



She nodded. "Like the ground had been yanked out beneath my feet."



Karen patted her shoulder. "Kids are resilient," she said. "She'll get past this, too."



The three women fell silent, each secretly hoping that Karen was right, but none of them entire sure she was.



Jaime was mad. No, she was beyond mad. She was on verge of insane, totally mind blowing, crazy, temper flaring, horrid mad. Eight years, eight years of feeling like she didn't belong in her family. Not that she didn't love her mothers, but there was just something off.



Look-wise, she was the outsider. Both her mothers were dark. April had pitch-black hair and olive skin. She had a medium-sized frame that was incredibly athletic. Karen had dark brown hair, and was tanned. Her body was also slightly larger, and athletic.



It had always aggravated her. How everyone would point out that she didn't look like either of her parents. But she was also always secretly proud, because it was something else she had in common with her favorite aunt. Blazing red hair, small lean compact body. A fierce voice that could either be sweet or terrifying. Green blue eyes that seemed to change color with their emotions. She'd found it suspicious the older she got, but she'd just shrugged it off as coincidence.



Then their was their personalities. She'd inherited Kerry's intelligence. Her love of science and nature. In the last couple of years she'd skipped three grades, and spent her summers interning at the local zoo. Collecting pets almost obsessively, not that her mothers let her keep most of them.



There were other traits also, to the point that it could be like looking in a mirror at times. Her extreme control over her emotions and expressions. The ability to keep herself neutral. Even her posture was almost identical.



Most of the time though, she allowed herself to be the child that she knew Kerry never got the chance to be. Which made the most major difference in their personalities.



The worn basketball made a silent whoosh as it went into the net, hitting the driveway perfectly, causing it to bounce back into her waiting hands. She held the comforting ball and glanced up at the window, where Kerry was watching.



She could see the pain and regret in the doctor's eyes. She wanted nothing more than to go to the woman she'd known as her aunt, and fall into her safe embrace. Unfortunately, she still had to sort through her thoughts. She just couldn't face her until she knew what she was feeling.



'Kerry...' The blonde woman barely corrected herself before saying the wrong name. "Lori..."



Stuffing her arm through the other sleeve, Lori glanced up at her. "Hmm?"



She stared at the dark-haired woman, trying to block out the image of Kerry. "You ready to go?"



Lori grinned broadly at her, making her stomach more nauseated. "Of course. I don't want to miss the previews."



Why did it annoy her so much when Lori was always slow getting ready to go anywhere? Or that she always dumped her jacket on the couch instead of hanging it up in the closet? Was Kim suddenly turning into a neat-freak after years of comfortable casualness? Or was it just because she kept remembering how Kerry would have behaved in Lori's place?



She scowled, angry at herself. It wasn't fair to Lori to constantly compare her to Kerry. Like anyone else, she deserved to be judged entirely on her own merits, and not held up to some irrational standard of quality. Think about her good points, Kim told herself. She's pretty, she's clever, she's got a good sense of humor, she's good in bed...



She's not Kerry.



Kim tried to push the increasingly sick feeling down and followed Lori out to the car.



"Jaime?"



The young girl crumbled onto the sofa and wrapped her arms around her legs. Her eyes were red and puffy, gazing at them with a slight frown.



"So I have three mothers?" She shook her head with dry humor and chuckled softly. "I can't wait until I try to explain this to Kevin."



"Nothing's changed," Kerry said with quiet insistence. April and Karen are still your parents. They love you, and they're so very proud to have a daughter like you." As I would be, she added silently. Out loud, she said, "I'm still your Aunt Kerry. The one you're constantly trying to get to do your bidding."



"You're wrong. Everything has changed. Don't you see that?" The girl stood up, and began to pace in front of them. "I always felt this connection to you, one that I didn't have with my parents. Now I find out that it's because you're my mother."



"Jaime..." April started.



"I mean I still love you guys, you're the one's who've raised me. But I..." She spun on her parents, unwilling to hide her emotions anymore. "How could you deny me the right to know her as my mother?"



"Sweetheart, we all felt it would be easiest on you if..."



Jaime looked at her 'aunt'. "Was it because you didn't want me?"



Kerry flinched slightly at the accusation. While the three of them had made the ultimate decision, she had been the one that had pushed the hardest on the idea. It had never even occurred to her that her daughter might inherit her personality.



Karen, the voice of reason as usual, said, "Jaime, honey, you have to understand. Kerry did this for our sake, as a friend, so we could have a child. We had each other, while she was alone. Her career as a doctor was still new, and she wasn't ready to have children of her own..." She trailed off.



Kerry clasped her hands together and forced herself to speak. "Jaime, if you don't want to spend the summer with me now. I'll understand..."



"Oh no, you're not getting out of this that easily." Jaime glared hard at her. "I'm staying right here. You and I are going to have a long talk about respect and trust."



Kerry sighed, half with relief, and half expecting to be sent her to her room. At least Jaime still wanted to talk to her. Things could have gone much worse. She knew from personal experience that these sorts of childhood revelations could be a real nightmare...



Kim tightened her eyelids behind her hand as the scream echoed in her ears. She felt, rather than heard her teeth grinding painfully. Her breath was ragged against the rapidly pounding of her heart. This was a nightmare. Almost literally.



"Want some more popcorn?" said Lori.



The minute they'd pulled up, Lori had started about the newest 'Nightmare On Elm Street' movie, raving about some actor named Freddie Prince Jr.



She'd tried talking her newest lover out of the horrid movie, unable to stomach even the slightest idea of seeing it. But noooooo, she just had to see it. Kerry never would've dragged her in to see some psychotic, dream raiding slasher movie. Kerry did like those types of movies, but she simply preferred to watch movies they both enjoyed. Action adventure flicks, or romantic girly movies when they felt especially cuddly. Even an occasional good old-fashioned scary movie. Based on shadows, music, and the occasional boo.



A soft whiff of mint hit her nose as the sound of bones and flesh ripping boomed in her ears. Her already sensitive stomach rumbled sickeningly, fighting against her harsh swallowing. She felt her body giving into the constant nausea and bolted out of the theater, keeping her eyes firmly on the floor until she was out of range of the screen.



Slamming out of the door and across the hall into the women's bathroom, she dropped to her knees, surrendering to her body's weakness.



Let's face facts, she thought, looking in the mirror after rinsing her mouth out in the sink. One movie with Lori makes you sick where weeks and months of working in and around the emergency room with Kerry didn't. Maybe it was the cinematic unreality of the movie, with all the screams echoing in full Dolby stereo, or maybe it was all that junk food that Lori bought at the candy counter. Or maybe it was the way that Lori dragged her into this one with little regard for what Kim wanted to do.



In any event, she decided, it was time to seriously rethink this relationship.



Jaime risked a sidelong glance at her aunt...her mother. They'd decided to still go to the mall, adding a side trip to the food court to their plans. She fought back the urge to grin as she tugged her mother into Hot Topics. The deafening rock music hitting them hard.



She zoomed in on the outfit she'd had her eye on for the last six months. A black silk ankle length skirt with a silver and red dragon on it, with a matching silk shirt. It was beautiful, delicate, and it was expensive.



"For-GET it, young lady," she stated. "Not until you're several years older, and I'm a lot richer..."



The girl allowed her face to just barely droop, her eyes tearing up slightly. "Please...Mom?"



Kerry stifled another sigh. Oh boy, here we go, she thought. She's gonna milk this particular guilt trip as far as it could go.



"Kim? Are you okay?" Lori shifted on the sofa, sitting closer beside her lover. "I'm sorry you weren't feeling well earlier, but you haven't said anything all night."



She closed her eyes as the tears finally came lose and slide down her warm cheeks. Mint. Lori smelled like mint, and she couldn't stand it. Kerry had never smelled like mint. Lilac, sometimes roses, sometimes a mixture of rubbing alcohol and anti-bacterial soap with lilac, but never mint. "I'm sorry," she whispered.



"For what?"



"I can't...I can't do this anymore." She wanted to. She would have given anything to, but it seemed like no matter what she did, where she looked, who she listened to, Kerry was always there lurking in the shadows. And no matter how scared she was, she needed her.



Lori blinked cluelessly. "Can't do what, hon?"



Kim took her hand. "I can't lead you on anymore, Lori. It's not fair to you, or to me, or to...well, to anyone else."



The slow understanding crept over Lori's face. "Are...are you breaking up with me?"



She was, with no doubt, the biggest softy in the world. Not only had Jaime gotten her to agree to take her to that ridiculous party, to buy that even more ridiculously priced outfit, but also talked her into a pair of knee-high black leather boots. She was just glad that Malucci hadn't witnessed this pitiful display. If he knew just how helpless she was around Jaime, she'd never have heard the end of it.



Normally, even she wouldn't have given in to the outfit she'd picked out, but the guilt she felt over this evening's confession had overruled her common sense. However, while she'd told Jaime that the 'You-Lied-To-Me' card was only a one-time deal, Kerry didn't doubt that she'd try to use it again anyway.



She stretched her tired muscles and sat on the window seat. She loved to curl up on the cushioned seat and gaze out of the double window. It was an old habit she had. Leaving the house dark and just staring at the stars. From here she could clearly see her favorite constellation. Orion.



She let her eyes drop down to the street below...and found herself staring into a set of pale blue eyes.



Kim...?



Forcing herself to her feet, she took hold of the crutch and moved hurriedly toward the stairs. Her breath hitched sadly, unable to stop the tears that had been threatening her for the last couple of months. For the first time in her life, she had no idea how to fix something.



Kim didn't know what she expected to find when she came here. She couldn't even bring herself to approach the darkened house. All she could do was stare, searching for some excuse to go to the door. Anything...



She hurriedly unlocked the door, her hand shaking as she tried to get the chain off. Finally the door opened, allowing her to step out. Her eyes went to the streetlight, searching frantically for the blonde that had been there just moments ago. "Kim...?!"



Finding only an empty street, and silent neighborhood, she went back inside.



Missing the blonde that stepped out from behind a nearby tree.



Kim held her mouth shut by sheer willpower, trapping all the words she wanted to spill out into the night. Words she knew she couldn't allow herself to say.