Evolution
Part IV: If You're Gone
By Aeris
If You're Gone
By MatchBox Twenty
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone.
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem
I'm feeling
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
Kim set her coffee mug on the countertop. "How's she doing?"
"She just lost both of her parents," the shorter woman replied tonelessly. "How do you think?" She didn't look up from the second mug that she was rinsing single-mindedly.
Kim flinched slightly at Kerry's tone. The last two weeks had been incredibly stressful for all of them. She'd been witness to the aftermath of April and Karen's deaths. She and Randi had even spent the first week staying with Jaime, while Kerry had gone up to see about their bodies.
She'd found herself able to temporarily ignore her fear of Kerry, and right now, she didn't want to take too close a look at why she was so willingly to drop everything to be there for them. 'Chicken... Damn right.'
"I'm sorry," Kerry said softly, turning to pat Kim's shoulder. "You didn't deserve that."
She took a close look at her ex-lover, seeing for the first time just how badly their deaths had effected her. There were dark circles under her eyes, her clothes were hanging on her body unnaturally. It must have been horrible for Kerry, Kim reflected, two of her dearest friends, the mothers of her daughter. Moreso because of the way it had happened. A freak auto accident, not unlike the one that had claimed both of Kerry's adoptive parents. Another thing that Kerry and Jaime had in common.
Once again, Kim's fear was overridden by her concern. "When was the last time you ate anything?"
"I haven't been hungry."
"Kerry, you need to take care of yourself. Now, more than ever."
She wanted to take the older woman into her arms. To tell her that everything would be okay. Two weeks, she'd found herself totally taken with Jaime. Two weeks, and she'd been a witness to a side of Kerry that had just left her even more in love than before.
This was the Kerry that she'd gotten small glimpses of during their time together, but that's all she'd gotten was peeks. Now though, she saw that woman all the time. There was something about Jaime that just melted everyone's heart, especially Kerry's.
Randi had been an even bigger surprise. The clerk had been supportive and protective of the small family. As much as Kim appreciated it on Kerry's behalf, she also found herself feeling almost...well, jealous of the dark haired woman. She was positive that Randi had some sort of crush on her ex-lover, and every time they were anywhere near each other, it took every ounce of willpower not to rip the women apart.
Kim snorted inwardly, at her own feelings. 'Possessive much...?'
"Kim?"
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Jamie was wondering if you were coming over tonight. She said something about a movie night."
She relaxed slightly, knowing that they'd be with her tonight and not Randi. "Yeah. I'll stop by at seven."
"Good. I'll see you then."
She waited until Kerry had left the lounge before slumping against the wall. It seemed like no matter what she did she was destined to be in Kerry's life.
Jaime glanced up as Kim entered the living room, managing a small grin. She could tell that the young girl had been crying earlier. On one hand she was glad that the denial and shook had finally worn off, but on the other she hated that Jaime had to go through this at all.
"Hey, what are you watching?"
"Oh, uh, 'The Princess Bride'." Jaime sat up on the couch, letting her take a seat. "Mom just called, she's running late, but she said we could go ahead and start. What'd you get?"
She got out of Jaime's way as she dived for the Blockbuster bag, and began to shift through the movies. She'd only seen small bursts of life in Jaime in the last two weeks. Even when they'd moved her belongings to Kerry's, it had been more like watching a zombie than anything.
She felt a sudden wave of weariness as the young girl cast a subtle sideways look at her. She could practically hear the wheels spinning inside her head. "Guess what?"
Kim swallowed nervously, feeling like a parrot talking to a starving cat. She briefly considered making a run for it, but the little voice in her head reminded her that any real participation from the girl would do her good. "What?"
"Mom finally got up the nerve to..."
Kim forgot all about her the warning bells in her mind and sat forward. "Got the nerve to what?"
"Uh, never mind. You probably wouldn't care anyway. I mean, if Mom decides that she wants to date Randi...and it's not really a date. I mean, they're only going to that Jazz club Mom loves so much. So what if they're going by themselves..."
Kim gripped the edge of the sofa. It made sense. The secretive looks, the sudden need to protect Kerry, even the knowing looks that Randi kept giving her. It was her fault. If she hadn't been so busy letting the fear dictate her actions, if she hadn't been so caught up in trying to make Kerry jealous....
'Oh god, what have I done?'
Kerry groaned softly as her lower back protested her sitting down. She'd refused the painkillers Jing-Mei had offered, knowing from experience that they wouldn't really help. Besides, there was really no point, it was only a minor sprain. It would be heal in a couple of days anyway.
"You okay?"
She nodded at the figure in the corner. She'd been hoping that Kim would have gone home already. Nothing else had gone the way they should've, so why would this? "Fine."
"Really?" When she didn't answer Kim stalked towards her. "That's funny, because I called the ER to check on you."
"Did you?"
"Mmm-hmm, and you know what Malucci told me?"
Kerry sighed at the deadly tone in Kim's voice. It was the same tone that she'd used when she'd discovered that she'd gotten in between two fighting gang members, the same tone she'd used when she'd witnessed her telling off a six foot, two hundred pound man for trying to attack a member of her staff. A tone she only used when she was scared witless for her, and didn't know how to handle that fear. "Kim, don't..."
"Don't what, Kerry? Do you have any idea how stupid what you did was? My god Kerry, you aren't invincible. You..."
"...did what I had to. I'm the chief of the ER, it's my job to protect it."
Kim sat next to her, leaning forward on her knees. "I understand that you have a job to do, but you also have a daughter to think about. You can't keep putting yourself into these positions..."
"I know." Kerry considered getting angry with the younger woman, but experience let her know it wasn't worth it. "I know, and if I thought for one minute that it wasn't a situation I couldn't control then I wouldn't put myself into it."
"What about tonight? Were you in control of the situation when you got thrown into the admittance desk?"
"Kim..."
"Damn it, Kerry...!"
"Get out."
Kim felt the oncoming rant disappear at the cool tone of her ex-lover. "What?"
"I said to get out of here. If all you're going to do is criticize me, then just go to hell. Go back to your life and leave me..." Kerry broke off abruptly, realizing what she'd just said.
Kim felt the words knife through her, but forced herself not to react visibly. Was this how Kerry had felt when she said the same thing?
Kerry turned away, one hand covering her mouth. "I didn't mean that..."
"I know." Kim forced the words out, her voice barely a whisper.
"Oh god, Kim, I'm sorry..."
Kim leaned against her, enjoying the warmth radiating from the older woman's body. No matter what Kerry said, she had no intention of leaving, not with her injured. "No, I'm sorry. I'm just so worried about you. I can't shake this feeling that one day you're going to get killed defending your ER."
She felt Kerry relax somewhat, settling in place. "According to Carter, I'm too mean to die..." she murmured.
Kim snorted darkly. The hospital was loaded with sayings and names about Kerry. Since their dating had been a secret, then up until recently she'd been exposed to them, and she hated every single one of them. The idea that people could be that cruel, even in joking, to her lover... EX-lover made her blood boil.
"Speaking of the ER, Jaime said that you and Randi...Kerry?" She glanced down at the head pillowed against her shoulder. She'd sworn she'd heard her snore. "Kerry?"
She sighed softly as the soft snuff came from the red head.
Kim wrapped her arms around the lean body. Kerry mumbled quietly and snuggled closer to her in her sleep. She couldn't understand how she ever thought she could ever survive without this.
Jaime rubbed her face as she walked into the living room. She'd been finding it increasingly difficult to sleep late since her parents had died. Today was no different. She'd found herself staring at the ceiling in her new room at seven twenty five. "...inhuman...cruel...blasted..."
She paused inside the kitchen doorway, and slowly backed up. Stopping beside the sofa, she allowed her eyes to wander over to it. Closing her eyes for a moment, she scrubbed at them, then reopened them. The two women, tall blonde and shorter redhead, were still there, the one holding the other tenderly while she slept.
Silently she leaped up, pumping her fist in the air, barely able to hold in the victory yell that was threatening to escape. Suddenly energized, she let out a squeal and raced upstairs. She had a call to make. Randi was gonna love this!
Kim shifted as she studied Kerry's closed-off face. She had felt so elated when she'd woken up in the redhead's arms, for just a moment she believed that everything would be okay. Until Kerry had given her a long look, then disappeared upstairs to shower and change. Fleeing from what had been, and could be again.
Now the fear was creeping its way back, only this time it was because she could feel Kerry slipping away from her. It was all she could do not to give in to the panic. Before, she was in control. She was the one deciding that they not date, or talk. Now, it was Kerry in control, and it petrified her.
She had no idea what to do, the only thing she knew for certain was that she had to act fast. Tonight Kerry was going to be going out with that flaky bitch Randi, and she would be damned if she was going to lose her now.
Randi held the phone tightly, intent on what the person on the other end was saying. Girlish enthusiasm, even in hushed, secretive tones, threatened to render her unintelligible, but Randi got the gist of it. Every so often she would make a noise, mostly "Yeah?" or "Uh-huh?" but otherwise she was quiet. Her lips thinned, and her eyes narrowed in such concentration that the people around her were unable to do anything but stare in surprise. Those who paid attention, anyway.
"Interesting..." she mumbled absently. "I think it's time we upped the ante..."
They discussed a couple of ideas without finalizing anything, then said goodbye. Randi was no shrink like Kim, but she knew that the bursts of good cheer cutting through the girl's depression were a good sign. Children, she'd learned, could be amazingly resilient, even in the worst of tragedies. And anything Randi could do to help, she'd do without hesitation.
She hung up still locked in her thoughts of the two lovely doctors and their on-again, off-again attraction. "Tonight's definitely going to be a night to remember..." she muttered. She'd see to that, one way or another.
Part IV: If You're Gone
By Aeris
If You're Gone
By MatchBox Twenty
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone.
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem
I'm feeling
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
Kim set her coffee mug on the countertop. "How's she doing?"
"She just lost both of her parents," the shorter woman replied tonelessly. "How do you think?" She didn't look up from the second mug that she was rinsing single-mindedly.
Kim flinched slightly at Kerry's tone. The last two weeks had been incredibly stressful for all of them. She'd been witness to the aftermath of April and Karen's deaths. She and Randi had even spent the first week staying with Jaime, while Kerry had gone up to see about their bodies.
She'd found herself able to temporarily ignore her fear of Kerry, and right now, she didn't want to take too close a look at why she was so willingly to drop everything to be there for them. 'Chicken... Damn right.'
"I'm sorry," Kerry said softly, turning to pat Kim's shoulder. "You didn't deserve that."
She took a close look at her ex-lover, seeing for the first time just how badly their deaths had effected her. There were dark circles under her eyes, her clothes were hanging on her body unnaturally. It must have been horrible for Kerry, Kim reflected, two of her dearest friends, the mothers of her daughter. Moreso because of the way it had happened. A freak auto accident, not unlike the one that had claimed both of Kerry's adoptive parents. Another thing that Kerry and Jaime had in common.
Once again, Kim's fear was overridden by her concern. "When was the last time you ate anything?"
"I haven't been hungry."
"Kerry, you need to take care of yourself. Now, more than ever."
She wanted to take the older woman into her arms. To tell her that everything would be okay. Two weeks, she'd found herself totally taken with Jaime. Two weeks, and she'd been a witness to a side of Kerry that had just left her even more in love than before.
This was the Kerry that she'd gotten small glimpses of during their time together, but that's all she'd gotten was peeks. Now though, she saw that woman all the time. There was something about Jaime that just melted everyone's heart, especially Kerry's.
Randi had been an even bigger surprise. The clerk had been supportive and protective of the small family. As much as Kim appreciated it on Kerry's behalf, she also found herself feeling almost...well, jealous of the dark haired woman. She was positive that Randi had some sort of crush on her ex-lover, and every time they were anywhere near each other, it took every ounce of willpower not to rip the women apart.
Kim snorted inwardly, at her own feelings. 'Possessive much...?'
"Kim?"
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Jamie was wondering if you were coming over tonight. She said something about a movie night."
She relaxed slightly, knowing that they'd be with her tonight and not Randi. "Yeah. I'll stop by at seven."
"Good. I'll see you then."
She waited until Kerry had left the lounge before slumping against the wall. It seemed like no matter what she did she was destined to be in Kerry's life.
Jaime glanced up as Kim entered the living room, managing a small grin. She could tell that the young girl had been crying earlier. On one hand she was glad that the denial and shook had finally worn off, but on the other she hated that Jaime had to go through this at all.
"Hey, what are you watching?"
"Oh, uh, 'The Princess Bride'." Jaime sat up on the couch, letting her take a seat. "Mom just called, she's running late, but she said we could go ahead and start. What'd you get?"
She got out of Jaime's way as she dived for the Blockbuster bag, and began to shift through the movies. She'd only seen small bursts of life in Jaime in the last two weeks. Even when they'd moved her belongings to Kerry's, it had been more like watching a zombie than anything.
She felt a sudden wave of weariness as the young girl cast a subtle sideways look at her. She could practically hear the wheels spinning inside her head. "Guess what?"
Kim swallowed nervously, feeling like a parrot talking to a starving cat. She briefly considered making a run for it, but the little voice in her head reminded her that any real participation from the girl would do her good. "What?"
"Mom finally got up the nerve to..."
Kim forgot all about her the warning bells in her mind and sat forward. "Got the nerve to what?"
"Uh, never mind. You probably wouldn't care anyway. I mean, if Mom decides that she wants to date Randi...and it's not really a date. I mean, they're only going to that Jazz club Mom loves so much. So what if they're going by themselves..."
Kim gripped the edge of the sofa. It made sense. The secretive looks, the sudden need to protect Kerry, even the knowing looks that Randi kept giving her. It was her fault. If she hadn't been so busy letting the fear dictate her actions, if she hadn't been so caught up in trying to make Kerry jealous....
'Oh god, what have I done?'
Kerry groaned softly as her lower back protested her sitting down. She'd refused the painkillers Jing-Mei had offered, knowing from experience that they wouldn't really help. Besides, there was really no point, it was only a minor sprain. It would be heal in a couple of days anyway.
"You okay?"
She nodded at the figure in the corner. She'd been hoping that Kim would have gone home already. Nothing else had gone the way they should've, so why would this? "Fine."
"Really?" When she didn't answer Kim stalked towards her. "That's funny, because I called the ER to check on you."
"Did you?"
"Mmm-hmm, and you know what Malucci told me?"
Kerry sighed at the deadly tone in Kim's voice. It was the same tone that she'd used when she'd discovered that she'd gotten in between two fighting gang members, the same tone she'd used when she'd witnessed her telling off a six foot, two hundred pound man for trying to attack a member of her staff. A tone she only used when she was scared witless for her, and didn't know how to handle that fear. "Kim, don't..."
"Don't what, Kerry? Do you have any idea how stupid what you did was? My god Kerry, you aren't invincible. You..."
"...did what I had to. I'm the chief of the ER, it's my job to protect it."
Kim sat next to her, leaning forward on her knees. "I understand that you have a job to do, but you also have a daughter to think about. You can't keep putting yourself into these positions..."
"I know." Kerry considered getting angry with the younger woman, but experience let her know it wasn't worth it. "I know, and if I thought for one minute that it wasn't a situation I couldn't control then I wouldn't put myself into it."
"What about tonight? Were you in control of the situation when you got thrown into the admittance desk?"
"Kim..."
"Damn it, Kerry...!"
"Get out."
Kim felt the oncoming rant disappear at the cool tone of her ex-lover. "What?"
"I said to get out of here. If all you're going to do is criticize me, then just go to hell. Go back to your life and leave me..." Kerry broke off abruptly, realizing what she'd just said.
Kim felt the words knife through her, but forced herself not to react visibly. Was this how Kerry had felt when she said the same thing?
Kerry turned away, one hand covering her mouth. "I didn't mean that..."
"I know." Kim forced the words out, her voice barely a whisper.
"Oh god, Kim, I'm sorry..."
Kim leaned against her, enjoying the warmth radiating from the older woman's body. No matter what Kerry said, she had no intention of leaving, not with her injured. "No, I'm sorry. I'm just so worried about you. I can't shake this feeling that one day you're going to get killed defending your ER."
She felt Kerry relax somewhat, settling in place. "According to Carter, I'm too mean to die..." she murmured.
Kim snorted darkly. The hospital was loaded with sayings and names about Kerry. Since their dating had been a secret, then up until recently she'd been exposed to them, and she hated every single one of them. The idea that people could be that cruel, even in joking, to her lover... EX-lover made her blood boil.
"Speaking of the ER, Jaime said that you and Randi...Kerry?" She glanced down at the head pillowed against her shoulder. She'd sworn she'd heard her snore. "Kerry?"
She sighed softly as the soft snuff came from the red head.
Kim wrapped her arms around the lean body. Kerry mumbled quietly and snuggled closer to her in her sleep. She couldn't understand how she ever thought she could ever survive without this.
Jaime rubbed her face as she walked into the living room. She'd been finding it increasingly difficult to sleep late since her parents had died. Today was no different. She'd found herself staring at the ceiling in her new room at seven twenty five. "...inhuman...cruel...blasted..."
She paused inside the kitchen doorway, and slowly backed up. Stopping beside the sofa, she allowed her eyes to wander over to it. Closing her eyes for a moment, she scrubbed at them, then reopened them. The two women, tall blonde and shorter redhead, were still there, the one holding the other tenderly while she slept.
Silently she leaped up, pumping her fist in the air, barely able to hold in the victory yell that was threatening to escape. Suddenly energized, she let out a squeal and raced upstairs. She had a call to make. Randi was gonna love this!
Kim shifted as she studied Kerry's closed-off face. She had felt so elated when she'd woken up in the redhead's arms, for just a moment she believed that everything would be okay. Until Kerry had given her a long look, then disappeared upstairs to shower and change. Fleeing from what had been, and could be again.
Now the fear was creeping its way back, only this time it was because she could feel Kerry slipping away from her. It was all she could do not to give in to the panic. Before, she was in control. She was the one deciding that they not date, or talk. Now, it was Kerry in control, and it petrified her.
She had no idea what to do, the only thing she knew for certain was that she had to act fast. Tonight Kerry was going to be going out with that flaky bitch Randi, and she would be damned if she was going to lose her now.
Randi held the phone tightly, intent on what the person on the other end was saying. Girlish enthusiasm, even in hushed, secretive tones, threatened to render her unintelligible, but Randi got the gist of it. Every so often she would make a noise, mostly "Yeah?" or "Uh-huh?" but otherwise she was quiet. Her lips thinned, and her eyes narrowed in such concentration that the people around her were unable to do anything but stare in surprise. Those who paid attention, anyway.
"Interesting..." she mumbled absently. "I think it's time we upped the ante..."
They discussed a couple of ideas without finalizing anything, then said goodbye. Randi was no shrink like Kim, but she knew that the bursts of good cheer cutting through the girl's depression were a good sign. Children, she'd learned, could be amazingly resilient, even in the worst of tragedies. And anything Randi could do to help, she'd do without hesitation.
She hung up still locked in her thoughts of the two lovely doctors and their on-again, off-again attraction. "Tonight's definitely going to be a night to remember..." she muttered. She'd see to that, one way or another.
