Chapter 3
I awoke a day later to Duo singing in my room, his voice sounded way off pitch and I laughed to myself as I watched him, he looked different now, his hair was longer and he no longer wore the priest suit, he was dressed in a pair of baggy shorts and a black tank top, he scrubbed the windows until they were clean, still not aware that I was watching him.
I looked over at the dresser beside me and a plate of medication sat there along with a glass of water and a bowl of fruit, I sat up and Duo seen this.
"Quatre, you're awake!" he shouted excitedly and dropped everything he was doing to jump on my bed, just as he was about to embrace me, I panicked.
"Don't touch me!" I screamed.
His eyes widened as he jumped back off the bed," Sorry, I forgot that you aren't the same anymore," he looked upset and I felt sorry for him, but I ignored the feelings and him all together and took the medicine.
I was hungry, I hadn't ate since I was kidnapped by the three so called "friends" and I began to devour the fruit in the bowl.
"i caught some fish yesterday," he said sitting back down on the bed," It took me forever but I caught some really big fish, Heero said you needed fruit, not fish right now, I cooked it all really good, and I even saved you some, maybe you'll be able to eat it soon."
I looked at him puzzled, he didn't seem to change much in personality, so cheerful, but I couldn't think of him as a friend any longer, he and the others left me, so instead of paying any attention to him I fiddled with the bandages on my broken arm.
"I really missed you Quatre, you may not know that but all of us really missed you,"
I looked at him angrily now," Don't lie to me, I am nothing to you and the others" I said grimly.
"That isn't true," he examined me," I almost wouldn't think you are Quatre, you got taller, your hair is almost the same though, but I can't see you inside you, I can't see the Quatre who I fought along side in battle with, I don't see the friend I had all that time ago."
"And you will never again," I replied.
duo looked down," I'm sorry I never visited you, I'm sorry that I never phoned you, and I'm sorry I never wrote you, I was always waiting for you to call me and I was afraid that if I called you you'd call at the same time and we'd get nothin' but busy sounds, I'm no good at writing either so that wasn't gonna work out either, I was just so busy with work and no doubt you were too." Duo explained.
I only turned over trying to ignore him again.
Duo was silent now, but I felt him shudder with pain.
"I don't need anyone now, I don't know why you have me here, it's torture, I'm a business man, I have work and I have things to do, I don't need any interference with what I do,"
"Are you happy Quatre, are you happy that you are so lonely?"
I squeezed my arm, the pain drilled into me, "I may be lonely and not happy but i'll never be hurt again like every one of my friends have hurt me."
"I didn't mean to hurt you-"
"I don't want to hear it, the damage is already done, I've been ripped apart and nobody was there to help me," I looked deep into his eyes," You can't save me now, it's like a child who drowns and nobody notices, when they discover that the child is dead they can't bring it back to life, it's too late, and you are too late, I'm dead."
"But Quatre, you are breathing still-"
"That maybe so on the outside but I'm already begun to decay on the inside."
Duo was crying now, he stood up and shook his head and in a bolt he left the room.
I laid back down, I didn't feel guilty, it's their fault I'm like this, I closed my eyes and began to sleep again.
~*~
"You know you are a cruel person, Quatre Raberba Winner," The voice of Heero echoed through my mind as I slept, "Wake up, you aren't going to sleep forever, I wont allow it!"
I opened my eyes and met his gaze.
"The way you hurt Duo's feelings was uncalled for. We told you that we don't want to hurt you, and you go and hurt us."
"You hurt me enough," I said in a whisper," Everyone left me alone, and when I was hurt I was still alone, I'm not a happy person Heero Yuy, I don't know why you expect me to be so cheerful."
"Tell me what happened Quatre, we can work it out."
"It's too late the damage is done, I'm dead."
Heero jumped on top of me and grabbed me by my shirt collar, I instantly began to scream," Tell me what happened dammit!"
"It's nothing for you to know!" I cried.
Heero's face was within inches of my own," Tell me so I know," he whispered.
"I refuse to repeat such an act of disgrace," I began to cry.
"Who hurt you?"
I stared at him, tears flowing.
"Who did this to you Quatre?"
"You all did it to me! You left me alone to get hurt!" I screamed.
"Tell me the person who hurt you when you were alone!" Heero was now screaming.
I looked into his eyes and then looked away," I don't know who did it..." I whispered.
"Then it is true, the rumors that you were raped?"
I began to scream, and fight.
"Tell me what happened."
"NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed as I fought the flash backs," I don't want to remember."
i sobbed.
"Quatre, I'm so sorry we let this happen to you," he said embracing me.
I panicked, and screamed, "Stop touching me!!!" I screamed, my body only fought for as long as it took for me to go into shock, my mind went blank and a series of convulsions followed.
~*~
When I awoke Heero was asleep by me, I felt sick and my skin was pail," I hate you all," I whispered but as I started to leave the bed Heero's arm reacted out and grabbed my own.
"We don't hate you Quatre," he said sadly.
"I hate everybody," I growled at him.
"When did it happen?" He asked.
I covered my ears, to not hear him.
"Quatre tell me..."
"I-I will not tell you anything."
"We aren't' the eni-"
"YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Quatre!! Stop this!!! You can't be unhappy forever, you have to live"
"The dead shouldn't live..." I muttered.
"When did it happen, I'll keep asking until you tell me and the longer you wait to tell me the more you'll have to remember."
I uncovered my ears," You all left me alone..."
"I know, and I'm sorry, please just tell me,"
"At the beginning of February, just after the Marimia incident, after we all split up and the Maganics were gone, when everything was back to normal."
"But Quatre, that was almost a year and a half ago."
I nodded, "that's how long you've left me alone to be tortured," I cried.
Heero reached out to touch my arm but before he could set a finger on me I moved away.
"Don't touch me," whispered still crying," I'm 18 Heero, and I feel like a little baby, I remember the incident like it was yesterday. I can't bare to have anyone touch me, I can't bare to have a single being around me, I just want to be allowed to die alone where nobody will see me I feel safe alone now, I feel like at any moment anybody around me will hurt me, and I don't want to feel worse then I do now, I don't want to be hurt like that again..."
Heero said nothing.
"It's not easy to feel like this and be a business man, I see people everyday and everyday I feel like my life is threatened. It shouldn't have happened, I'm a Gundam Pilot dammit, I'm supposed to be strong enough to fight people like that, but when you are defenseless and the person has a gun in your mouth you can't do anything but let them have their way, back when it happened i wanted to live more then anything, but I think if it were to happen again, I would have let the man blow a hole in my head. Sometimes I even convince myself that that's what happened, I let the man blow my head off instead, but I don't understand why I'm still breathing so I hurt myself hoping that it wont hurt and I wont bleed, but I always do and I realized that I'm alive, I wanna be dead, I wanna stop feeling the nightmares, I wanna stop feeling the pain, but the pain feels so good Heero, it's sweet compared to the pain I feel inside, the pain from being raped," I shuddered," That's why I keep doing it, I get to feel it physically and any physical pain is better then the mental pain that I feel."
"Quatre... I had no idea," Heero stood up and left the room.
I laid back down and began to sleep again
