Deb stopped the car and whispered something about me and privacy

Maybe I'd want to do this alone

"Hi,I'm sorry, I got you killed"

"Last time I came, I was an idiot, and I'm sorry"

They sounded worse spoken outloud than in my head

I turned around once to catch Deb looking at me with an unexplainable
look on her face

I can't describe it.Maybe I don't want to.

Because I'm afarid to say outloud what I think it might have meant
*********************************
You, with your hand outstretched
Finger on the key
This lock that you release
Is opening but isn't free
********************************
"Luce"

It's strange standing in front of a gravestone

Part of you wants to sink to your knees and sob, stuffing
bits of dirt into your mouth

Part of you wants to stand straight, an emotionless body, telling
yourself how riduclous this is.How insane everything is

Me?


"I didn't bring any flowers this time. It was sort of last minute...
coming here"

This was the one place talking outloud, people didn't think you were insane.
Grief-stricken, but not mad
*************************************
And I hope that you can see
How it beats inside of me
Instead of pushing fear aside
I want to run I want to hide
I am vulnerably yours
*************************************
"I went to another hospital"

I could feel Deb's eyes burning into me. So much for privacy

"I guess I had to validate my feelings. They made me feel so..."

"Inferior?"

Everyone questions their sanity at one time or another. I've just
grown so sick and tired of questioning


"Inferior" I ignored the soft female voice. No such thing as ghosts

"John..."

I ignored her

"They laughed. Like I had spilled milk then fallen on my ass
because I forgot to pick it up"

She was nowhere near me, but i could feel her

"He came to the hospital....him.Paul"

Part of me can't believe I said it

Paul Paul Paul..killer

"Apologized. Apologized like he had done some little thing like take
my pen. Stupid son of a bitch"

When Deb cries, it sounds like little gasps. Little gasps in my ear
************************************
She, who is wanting me
Whose touch can make me cry
I can only understand
By never asking her why
*************************************
"I go to the hospital, and I still feel dread.Like I shouldn't
be here"

Shouldn't be here. Lucy, let's trade. You can take my place, Lucy

"I thought telling people,people like me..."

They're not like me. But I'm like them

Chemically dependent

"Would make it better" I stopped talking, rubbing my neck anxiously,"But..."

It hurts.It hurts it hurts, it hurts. And I'm so confused. Deb standing
behind me just confuses me more

She's listening

To my pure, brutual honesty
******************************************
Hear the contradictions fly
And as hard as I may try
Every truth becomes a lie
In the ache of her reply
I am passionately..
******************************************
Better her than anyone else

Abby doesn't want to know. She has so much pain, hers is all
she hears

She tried to hide him from me. Hide

Susan doesn't care. This is old, repeative, numbing

"So here I am, Lucy. To keep repeating over and over
how sorry I am"


so sorry.I'm sorry

"How guilty I feel"

It's my fault. Everything. Paul killing Lucy. The imbalance, the loose
screws, shorted wires in his head, all my fault

"To remind myself this isn't just a nightmare"

I want to wake up
***********************************
Yours
And the saddest eyes are
Yours
And the softest skin is
Yours
And the hope I borrow is
Yours
***********************************
There's a long period of silence

Quiet

Quiet used to scare me. Quiet is right before they tell you someone'sss
dead. Quiet's right before someone tells you they're leaving

"Come on John" Deb tapped my shoulder,"Let's go"

Enough reality, make me smile again

"Not yet"I muttered


She nodded."OKay..." Deb said quietly. She sunk down to
the ground beside me

I don't know what I was waiting for

Silence not to be akward?

How long it took the sky to get dark, and for us to get cold?

Maybe I just wanted to see how long Deb would wait with me
***************************************
So won't you let me in I'm yours
All that I begin is yours
Every prize I win is yours
At your feet again I'm yours
All I am is yours