Cruelty Hour

A FF9 Humor Page

Act 1: Starring...



Kuja: I know I am beautiful.. You don't have to tell

me.. But I will kill you if you call me a girl..

Zidane: Do I have to do this?

Vivi: Are you sure we should trust him? *Points to Kuja*

Me, the voice from Hell



Me: one day... Vivi, Kuja and Zidane were sent *poof* to modern day Gaia.

Kuja: Mind being a lil careful on the poof things.. *dusts himself off*

Zidane: Iwweeeee!! I have cooties... * gets off of his landing spot on to of Kuja.*

Kuja: I do not have cooties... *gets up making a pout*

Me: Yes I had all of them removed...

Zidane: That's good.. Phew... I don't have Kuja cooties crawling all over me..

Kuja: Would you rather have beautiful me instead?

Zidane: You're supposed to be my brother, Sicko...

Kuja: We were lab creations.. Therefore you can lov--

Me: Weird... Anyway moving on... Since they were all unemployed, we *The dark voices* decided to get them Jobs at KFC (Kentucky Fried Chocobo)

Kuja: Me.. Work... No no no.. You have it all wrong.. *Points to Zidane and Vivi* they work.. I make myself beautiful all day.

Zidane: Kuja.. Just work and like it..

Vivi: Wow I like the uniforms.. *Puts on the yellow shirt and Chocobo hat.*

Zidane: Heh.. a chocobo with a tail...*Puts his uniform on* WARK!!

Kuja: ...*Holding the uniform* Me wear this.. I do not think so.. That is cruelty.

Me: Note the title of the show...

Kuja: Do I have to wear this... *Whines.*

Me: Yes. So get over it.

Kuja: WAHHHH!!! *Comes out in the chocobo hat* It's flattening my hair.

Vivi: *laughing* Ha ha ha ..

Kuja: What is soooo funny?

Zidane: You look like a cross dressing chocobo...

Kuja: I am not a cross dressing chocobo!!!!!!



Cruelty Hour

A FF9 Humor Page

Act 2: Would you like fries with that??



Kuja: I have to work with these fools.

Zidane: Cut it out Kuja.

Vivi: .... Yeah Kuja stop being a sour puss.

Kuja: Meee a sour puss?? Never *scowls*



Me: Day two, Kuja and Zidane and Vivi went to work got to learn about

Interactions with customers.

Manager: (AKA: Me) wark like a chocobo... Kuja..

Kuja: I do not.. wark..

Me: ohh come on Kuja..

Vivi: Yeah.. We like work..

Kuja: I dont. Wark *deadpan voice* welcome to Kentucky Fried Chocobo how may I help you..

Poor Customer: *stepping to the counter* I would like two choco sticks

Kuja: ahhh good choice you will be having choco fries with that two?

Poor Customer: No.. Just the sticks..

Kuja: but the fries are good.

Poor Customer: I just want the sticks.

Kuja: you can't have them without the fries. Next customer?

Poor Customer: Fine I will have the damn fries you cross dressing chocobo.

Kuja: *Throws the fries and chicken at the customer* There next person..

Manager: Kuja, be nicer.. to the customers.

Kuja: But.. but she didn't want fries. I *had* to make her want them *sulks*

Manager: Vivi your turn..

Vivi: Okay...

Sarah: Hi I want a box of choco nugets and a small order of choco fries.

Vivi: wark!!! Welcome to Kentucky fried Chocobo.. Can I help you?

Sarah: I would like a box of nuggets and a small fry

Vivi: Just one fry?

Sarah: No an order of fries..

Vivi: Large Fries?

Sarah: A small order of fries.

Vivi: Is that all.. okay *using the cash register* okay $1.50

Sarah: For the nuggets?

Vivi: You didn't say you wanted nuggets.. *uses the cash register* okay $2.30

Sarah: * hands the cash* There you go..

Vivi: *hands her the bag with only the nuggets*

Sarah: *looking in the bag* where are my fries??

Vivi: Did you want fries or nuggets?

Sarah: *shaking head* Both...

Vivi: Ohhhhh!!! *gets the fries* there you go. *bows head* I am sorry about that miss they are on me.

Sarah: That's ok... *hands him the money* it was nice of you to think of me though.. Good luck at your job. *waves and leaves*

Vivi: Bai bai!!!



Cruelty Hour

A FF9 Humor Page

Act 3: Of Vanity and Freaky Things



Kuja: I am beautiful. *Fixing his hair in a full length mirror*

Zidane: You wish..

Kuja: I wish I was more beautiful..

Vivi: Could he get any worse?

Zidane: Do you really wanna Know?

**AND**

THE VOICES FROM HELL

Kuja: Oh Romeo oh Romeo where are you, you sexy devil ?

Vivi: ... uhh Kuja.. are you okay?

Kuja: I am just peachy.. Do you think my girlish figure is okay ?

Zidane: If you get any more girlie Kuja I am filling out your college application as a female..

Kuja: But it is so hard to hide that 'tail' of mine..

Zidane: Then show it like I do.

Kuja: Who ever know you were such an exhibitionist.

Zidane: Yeah my tail is quite sexy.. Chicks love it..

Kuja: I do too. Can I pet it ? *pets Zidane's tail*

Zidane: ...ummmn ahhh .. NO!! *shakes head* My 'brother' is a pervert..

Vivi: ... you're *both* sick..

Zidane: How do you figure?

Vivi: you are the one who was letting him grope your 'tail'

The voices from Hell : Enough with the Yaoi.. this is is a PG fic..

Zidane: So we can have wild freaky sex with the voices?

The Voices: ... No...

Zidane and Kuja: Damn..

The Voices: *twitching* Uhhh... Okay... whatever...

Zidane: oooooo We get to do whatever we want?

The Voices: uhhhh... No

Vivi: ..... Damn...

The Voices: VIVI !! I Thought you were on our side...

Vivi: I was, but but...

Kuja: Viv's having convies about his bowel movement problem..

Vivi: ....I said but...

Kuja: ... exactly your butt.

The Voices: STOP IT !!!

All: AWWWW!!!



Cruelty Hour

A FF9 Humor Page

Act 4: Ode to Pain... ** Ouchies **



Kuja: I'm beautiful.. I'm beautiful I'm beautiful damn it.

Zidane: *under drugs* Yes you are..

Kuja: I wish I had more of them.. *evil laugh* happy pills..

Zidane: Happy good... *drugged daze*

Kuja: *shakes head* this is gonna be wonderful.. *sarcasticly* dagger is comming soon... ohhh.. What are

you doing here Eiko?

Eiko: *smiles* Nothing... *under her breath* hah ha ha ha .. Serves her right for trying to steal my Zidane!!

**AND**

THE VOICES FROM HELL

Kuja: And thus today.. I will have fun and all of you will be my little actors.. eerrr and actriz.. *rubs his hands together* in my play Sleeping Me.. Since I am beautiful and all..

Vivi: ....Wonderful...

Kuja: Would you rather I make you dress in drag Vivi my love.. ?

Vivi: NO!!!! *runs away*

Zidane: It can't be so bad .. Kuja does it everyday..

Kuja: Bite me tail boy..

Zidane: Ohhh that is what you want..

Kuja: ..... yeah so...

Zidane: Freak...

Kuja: ... I said I am not a freak

Zidane: You are the one who wants me to "bite you"

Kuja: Your the rabid peasant boy.. *Turns to walk away*

Zidane: *grabs Kuja* Say that to my face girlie.

Kuja: You are a rabid tail boy.

Zidane: At least I look male...

Kuja: *sobbing* You big meanie.. Just have to pick on the fact that Garland made me look like a girl.

Zidane: of course Kuja...

Kuja: At least I am better looking and.. I have a bigger.. ummn err Weapon than you..

Zidane: Silver dragon does not count.

Kuja: *shrugs* anyway on with my masterpiece play....

Eiko and Vivi: Lets not and say we did..



1 Cruelty Hour

A FF9 Humor Page

Act 5: ... A Filler Episode ...



Kuja: *flicks his hair back* Just I alone am the most beautiful in the world that makes me a canidate for a god.

Zidane: The ever expansive ego of Kuja.

Vivi: Do you suppose it will ever cause his head to blow up?

Zidane: we could only wish

Kuja: I heard that..

Zidane and Vivi: eeeeeeeeepppp! *hide*

**and**

The Voices of Darkness and Deception



Darkness: Come one, come all to the wonderful play of the year..

Deception: That is my line.

Darkness: No it's not..

Deception: Ohh really...

Darkness: *holding the script for cruelty hour* ...see *shows it* it's mine.. *looks down* ooohh well it is yours.. Sorry..

Deception: I told you... *flicks her hair back*

Darkness: Whatever!

Kuja: Ohh ladies please behave.

Deception: But, she stole my line.

Kuja: Deception.. *Holding her* my lovely *touches her hair* please, just work with her.

Deception: Yes sir..

Kuja: That is a good girl.. *lets her go* Now get away you are wrinkling my clothes

Darkness: Not to mention flatten his hair.

Kuja: Ohh.. poo my hair again.. *sighs* can I never be perfect?

Darkness and Deception: You already are sir.. *bow and leave*

Kuja: *shakes head* these.. are worse than Zorn and Thorn.. At least they were hnn...my evil supporters.

Zidane: I thought you turned good ?

Vivi: Yeah..

Kuja: Ohhh dear me you were listening.. *sarcastically*

Zidane: I am not going to live with an evil freak, let alone act in the same group with an evil freak.

Kuja: Must you be such an insolent tail boy, Zidane. Also remember for future reference... I am not a freak.. *flicks his hair back*

Zidane: Tell that to the fashion police Kuja.

Kuja: *pout* Do you not like thongs?

Zidane: Not when they are on you Kuja...

Kuja: *pouts more* Does no one love me ?

Darkness: I do sire

Deception: So do I.

Kuja: Wonderful.

Darkness and deception: Can we help you in anyway sire. *Cling to Kuja*

Zidane: and my female groupie is?

Vivi: garnet...

Zidane: No.. I wanna groupie..

Kuja: I am the only groupie for you Zidane.

Vivi: Be glad there is only one Kuja.

Zidane: *sob sob* I wanna girl groupie..

Darkness: If you were more evil.. I would be your groupie.

Zidane: But I dun wanna be evil.

Deception: Ohh well..