Picking Up The Pieces
By: Angela Timchuk and Karen McVicker
(A.K.A. Makino & deDanaan)
Chapter Six
Revelations
Tsubaki watched as her brother sat at the desk in silent contemplation. She could read him like a book and knew his thoughts were only of Tsukushi. "Tsukasa, are you alright?" she asked worriedly. A few moments passed before he replied.
"No…No I'm not alright. I thought I could live without her--it's an empty life, but at least it was my choice. After she moved on, I thought I had come to terms with not having her in my life. And now all this happens-- she's here--she's falling apart, and all I can do is sit by and watch her. Do you have any idea what that does to me?" His tone was sharp. "FUCK!!!" Tsukasa slammed his fists onto the desk in frustration. "If only that stupid bitch hadn't interfered with us…if I had just stood up to her instead of backing down and making that promise…if only I'd put my foot down and not let her tear us apart, all this could have been prevented. She would've been happy today…we would've been happy today." He pulled his hands up to his face--repeating the words "We would've been happy…we would've been happy," in a ragged voice.
Tsubaki fell apart at seeing the state her brother was in, it wasn't like him to breakdown like this. She had held herself together with amazing resolve these past few months, keeping all her emotions bottled up tightly inside her, but now his words cut into her like a knife. He was right. Their mother had destroyed both their lives, leaving them empty inside. She thought about the early years of her marriage, back when she was still optimistic she could make things work. When she compared it to how things were now she fell to Tsukasa's side and hugged him tightly, crying with him for a while until he finally broke away.
Tsukasa tried to pull himself together as he stood. Although it was his sister, he was embarrassed he had let anyone see that side of him. He rubbed the tears from his eyes with a careless sweep of his thumb and looked away, not wanting to meet her eyes. Tsubaki was still quite emotional and sat down on the chair Tsukasa had just vacated. She eyed him as he paced the floor again. He was accustomed to staying in control. His thoughts were interrupted as Tama came into the room and his eyes fixed on the old woman when she addressed them.
"Makino has arrangements to make. She'll be going to see Takahiro-san's mother today."
Tsukasa didn't even pause before replying. "I'll take her."
"No! You! Won't!" Tama banged her cane on the floor in time with each word. He was startled she was so adamant. "That's the last thing she needs…take it from someone who knows firsthand." Tama's gaze danced over to Tsubaki. "You will take her." It wasn't a question. Tsubaki nodded in agreement.
"Yes, I'll take her." Tsubaki took a few moments to regain her composure before excusing herself and going to see if Tsukushi was ready.
Tsukasa looked over at Tama in wonder as she slowly made her way to the door. What had she meant by that? When she reached the door, Tama turned and addressed him. "Can you come with me to my room? I have something there I think you should see." The old woman tapped him on the arm with her hook of her cane, signaling for him to follow. He did, because he knew from experience it would be wise to humour her.
*******
Tama went rifling through her closet before she found what she was looking for. She approached Tsukasa and handed it to him. "You may be surprised with what you find in there but I think this will give you a better understanding of everything."
Tsukasa was leery. What could possibly be in that box? He lifted the lid off the small lacquered box and when he saw the contents he looked up at her, eyebrows raised questioningly. "Letters? Why are you giving me letters?"
"You baka!" she scolded. "Look who sent them!" She sounded exasperated. Tsukasa was bewildered when he saw whose name was neatly inked in the corner of each envelope. What was going on here?
"Makino Tsukushi is like a granddaughter to me. She has a fire that reminds me of myself when I was young. I never dreamed I'd show these to anyone, let alone you, but I think you could really use the insight." She walked over to the door "I'm going to get some tea." She said, leaving him alone-- kneeling on the tatami mat with the box of letters on his lap. As she closed the door she muttered something he thought sounded like. "Hopefully he'll get the point."
Tsukasa ran his fingers across the row of letters, dust particles became airborne and danced in the shafts of light escaping round either side of the bamboo blinds at the window. He was amazed…Tama and Makino had stayed in contact over the years. He hadn't known that until now. He picked the bundle of letters out of the box and spread them across the floor in front of him with a fanning motion. Where would he start? He carefully examined the postmarks. "I guess at the beginning." He said aloud, as he picked up the letter with the oldest postmark on the envelope and unfolded it. He walked over to the window and rolled up the blind, leaning against the glass in the morning light to better read what was written there.
Dear Tama,
I was so surprised to hear from you. I wasn't expecting it at all. I hope you don't take that the wrong way because I was so happy when I got your letter. It means you care about me in the same way I care about you--like we're family. How are things with you? Things here are okay, I guess. How is Doumyouji?…………
Makino's most private thoughts were sprawled out on the papers he held and guilt overcame him for a moment--it was like stealing her diary--he couldn't help but continue to read, and as he read, tears fell, blurring the ink where they fell on the stationery. His heart felt as though it has been ripped from his chest. He now understood the devastation she had felt at being turned away by him in New York. She had truly loved him without reserve in the end, but until he'd seen it in writing, he'd only half- believed it, even though he'd often fantasized about it. In the next letter he picked up, he read of the cruelty she'd faced at the hands of Asai and the other classmates when they learned of their breakup and the hell her last year at Eitoku had been when there was no more F4 to keep her safe. He read of the solace she found in Rui, who had been her rock during that time, and was jarred when he read the words she had written about their time together. It was strange to look at Rui with Shigeru and reconcile him with the man Tsukushi wrote about. Should he take solace in the fact that relationship had been short-lived? He read on as she poured her heart out to Tama, telling the old woman Rui had wanted to take things further but at that point her heart had still belonged to one man and one man alone and she turned him down.
In the next letter she wrote about how she had encouraged a relationship between Rui and Shigeru. News had come of Shizuka's recent wedding in Paris and Tsukushi thought her energetic friend would be good for Rui, who had been down in the dumps ever since she'd said no. The news from Paris had depressed him further. Shigeru was from the 'right' family and was so upbeat and lively Rui couldn't help getting pulled along in her wake. He'd taken to sleeping the day away again and needed stimulation to keep him awake. Shigeru definitely had the energy to keep up with the effort it would require. Then there was the fact he was so calm and quiet, he would be a steadying influence on her. It was perfect. They would complement each other like yin and yang.
Tsukasa looked up from the letter, a slight smile on his face as he practically heard the pride in her voice--he'd always wondered how Rui and Shigeru had paired off but had never asked. When he came home from the States to find they were engaged, it had floored him. It was funny to think Makino Tsukushi was the matchmaker and that she'd been right after all.
He picked up envelope after envelope and with each letter he read he noticed the tone was becoming more upbeat, that Tsukushi was happier, stronger. After Eitoku, she went away to university in Kyoto and met a man there, one Takahiro Yuusuke. At first she held him at bay, but with every passing day, Yuusuke replaced the love she had for Tsukasa. He hadn't pushed, but had been patient and contented himself with being a good friend to her. If she needed a partner or escort he was there for her and vice- versa. When he finally worked up the nerve to kiss her, there was something so incredibly sweet about the whole thing it moved her heart. She admitted to Tama that part of her would always love Doumyouji but she was now ready to move on in her life. Yuusuke was attentive, gentle, smart and witty and he cherished her beyond belief. She told Tama how amazing it was to feel safe, secure and loved all at once. Takahiro Yuusuke brought a happiness and stability into her life that Doumyouji Tsukasa could not. After reading Makino's words, how could Tsukasa not feel jealous of the man.
*******
Tsukushi sat quietly as she stared through the tinted window of the limousine. Blurred fields and barren trees zipped by as she focused on the distant mountains. She had traveled on this stretch of road many times before, but the drive had never seemed so long. She thought back on her conversation with Tama earlier that day.
**
"Tsukushi, you must pull yourself together!" the old woman had told her.
"I'm not even sure I know where to begin." she had replied, her voice listless as she struggled to find and ground herself. "I feel so lost right now. I feel so alone."
"Believe me when I tell you there'll be time enough for grieving when he's buried." The old woman had come over to stand next to her and laid one of her rheumatic hands on Tsukushi's shoulder. "Take it from someone who's been there, there's too much you have to take care of right now and you can't afford to fall apart!"
"But he's gone….what am I going to do without him?" Tama had known the depth of Tsukushi's feelings for Yuusuke.
"You will learn to live with it. You can do nothing else. Eventually you'll take time to grieve--after he's buried, mind you. But right now it's more important that you stay strong for the sake of everyone else involved."
"Kaa-san!" Tsukushi suddenly remembered she had yet to break the news to Yuusuke's mother or her own parents either for that matter.
**
Memories flooded her mind, as she recalled the day she and Yuusuke had driven down the coast to see his mother and shared the news of their engagement. As she remembered his excitement a small smile graced her lips, but only for a moment. She had been taken from her dreamlike state when the car door slammed shut. Horror consumed her when she realized the car was no longer moving--they had arrived at their destination, Takahiro Atsuko's home in Odawara. Tsukushi felt sick to her stomach. Panic engulfed her; she couldn't bear the thought of entering that house without Yuusuke by her side. She felt the cool air of the late autumn day surround her as the chauffeur opened the door. She tried lifting her leg over the frame of the limousine but it was frozen. Her whole body was frozen.
Tsubaki leaned in through the door and extended her arm. Although she didn't say anything, her eyes spoke volumes for her. Tsukushi reluctantly took a hold of her hand and stepped out of the car. As her eyes adjusted to the daylight she took in the picture presented by the Takahiro residence, Yuusuke's childhood home. It was a modest, practical house but the grounds were impeccable. A brick wall framed the property, with a simple iron gate at its center. Shrubs and bushes adorned the little rock gardens beneath the windows. The vegetable garden they had harvested just two weeks before lay bare, the soil at the south side of the house turned over and waiting for next spring. The memory of their laughter as the three of them pulled up the vegetables made her dizzy and queasy.
Tsukushi stood for a moment and took a deep breath before finally getting up enough nerve to do what she had come here to do. The walk up the pathway was torturous. Everywhere she looked a vision of Yuusuke flashed in her mind. As they got closer to the door she heard it open. Tsukushi looked up to find Takahiro Atsuko standing before her. The widow's expression was grim as if she'd already known why Tsukushi was there. Tsukushi ascended the final steps and wrapped her arms around her. Her lips quivered as she struggled to find the words. "Kaa-san, I'm afraid I have some terrible news." She burst into tears and the older woman embraced her tightly, slow tears leaking down her cheeks.
**********
Yuuki listened to Kazuya explaining things in that excited chatter of his, amazed he found Susumu. In recent years it had been hard to keep up with Tsukushi's family. One never knew where they'd be living next, what scheme they'd be hatching.
"That'd be great, Kazuya." Yuuki told her friend. "Makino's gone to see Yuusuke's mother in Odawara but she should be back later this evening."
"We'll see you then." The line went dead and Yuuki pressed the 'end' button, clearing the call.
"So what's happening?" Nishikado asked her, having heard only Yuuki's side of the conversation.
"Kazuya's found Susumu and is bringing him over later. They've gotten a hold of Tsukushi's parents and Kazuya wired them the cash to get here by train. They'll be here late tomorrow."
"I'm sure we could go pick them up, that way they wouldn't have to take the train." Soujirou countered.
"They're in Aomori," Yuuki clarified. When Soujirou heard how far north they were, he didn't argue. That was a sixteen hour journey by train.
"I guess we'll meet them at the station, then."
"Do you know where I can find a phonebook in this house?" Yuuki asked them. "I need to look up the number of Yuusuke's clinic. They haven't been told yet, I don't think." Yuuki had remembered seeing the message light flashing on the answering machine when she had been picking up things from Tsukushi's apartment. Had the message been the clinic calling to find out where he was?
"Call directory assistance." Soujirou told her. "It's faster."
"Now, why didn't I think of that! I'm not too swift today, am I?" She rolled her eyes and chuckled briefly, unable to believe the obvious had escaped her, and Nishikado and Mimasaka joined in.
**********
Tsubaki was sitting on a cushion in front of a low table, nursing a cup of tea in her hands. Tsukushi sat to her left, across from Takahiro's mother. She drank in silence, listening to the quiet conversation between the two women and learning a great deal about how Tsukushi's life had changed in the years since they'd last seen each other. This Yuusuke of hers sounded like one hell of a guy. The thought of how much Tsukushi had loved her fiancé made her think again of her own marriage. She'd liked the man her mother had chosen for her well enough, but she hadn't loved him. How could she love someone she didn't really know anything about? The first couple of years they had both tried, but the more they got to know each other, the less they found they had in common. She tuned back into the conversation.
"We have to talk about the funeral arrangements." Tsukushi directed the conversation back to the matter at hand.
"I know," Yuusuke's mother replied softly, "and the real question is whether it should be here or in Tokyo."
"That's your decision." Tsukushi told the woman who should have been her mother-in-law.
"No…it's not my decision. Yuusuke forged a life for himself away from Odawara. He chose Tokyo, and he chose you."
"Will you come back to Tokyo with us, then?"
"I will. But grant me an hour to gather the things I need."
"Gladly, Kaa-san." Tsukushi replied. "Tsubaki, would you like to take a walk down to the coast?"
"Huh? Um, sure." Tsubaki hadn't expected to be included and was a bit startled by the question.
**********
Tsukasa slouched down onto the floor by the window, gripping Tsukushi's letters in his fist. His mind was working overtime as he imagined Tsukushi and Yuusuke together. He recalled the letter where she described their first kiss and it almost killed him. Without realizing he'd done so, he crushed the letters in his fist. Tsukasa had come to the realization of how intimate their relationship must have been. They had been living together, so it would be only logical they had made love. He was overcome with emotion--anger, rage, jealousy, but most of all, sadness. Yuusuke had been granted the intimacy he wanted so badly but could never attain.
Tsukasa was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't hear Tama enter the room. She had tried getting his attention verbally, but to no avail. Tama did not take kindly to being ignored. She walked across the room, raised her cane up, and proceeded to tap him on the side of his head. Tsukasa stirred at the sudden pain. He looked up at the old woman and snarled.
"Tama, what the hell are you doing?" He was livid. "Why did you show these to me?" Tsukasa pulled himself up from the floor and leered in her direction.
"What are you doing?" she countered. "Yelling at an old woman like that, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Tsukasa calmed down at her statement. He hadn't meant to raise his voice at her--he was crushed by the contents of the letters and the sharp pain in his head hadn't helped.
"G.…gomen!" Tsukasa stammered, bowing his head in remorse. Tama walked back over to shut the door but her eyes followed him to the window. "Why did you show these to me?" he asked, after a few awkward moments passed. "You must have known what these would do to me." His voice was shaking. He relaxed his fists and the letter he was holding fell to his feet. Tama made her way over to where he stood and bent down slowly to pick the letters up.
"I didn't show you them to hurt you...I showed you them to help you." She sighed as she began to smooth the crumpled papers out before folding them up and sliding them back into their envelopes. and putting them back in the lacquered box.
Tsukasa turned to face her, unsure of her words. "Help me?...How can this help me? Knowing what I put her through and how she turned to another. How can that help me, Tama?"
Tama shook her head in disbelief. Could he really be so blind? "Baka...don't you see? She loved you so deeply she couldn't even function. But she came around to Yuusuke in time...because of his patience." She continued. "You're in such a rush to help her that you'll only end up pushing her away. Time. Time is what she needs. Time to heal." Tama walked over to her chair and sat down. She was tiring. "She loved you once, she could love you again....but not if you suffocate her!" Her words sunk into his mind. He understood their meaning. She was right, as always. He knelt down beside her, placing his head in her lap and spoke softly.
"Arigato, Tama....Arigato." Tsukasa was startled once again by a pain in his head. Tama had grabbed him firmly by the hair and trailed him off to the side.
"Kindly get off me.…..I have arthritis, you know!" Tsukasa smiled at the force she displayed.
"Really? I hadn't noticed." He chuckled as he scrambled to his feet and lunged for the door, evading her swinging cane.
By: Angela Timchuk and Karen McVicker
(A.K.A. Makino & deDanaan)
Chapter Six
Revelations
Tsubaki watched as her brother sat at the desk in silent contemplation. She could read him like a book and knew his thoughts were only of Tsukushi. "Tsukasa, are you alright?" she asked worriedly. A few moments passed before he replied.
"No…No I'm not alright. I thought I could live without her--it's an empty life, but at least it was my choice. After she moved on, I thought I had come to terms with not having her in my life. And now all this happens-- she's here--she's falling apart, and all I can do is sit by and watch her. Do you have any idea what that does to me?" His tone was sharp. "FUCK!!!" Tsukasa slammed his fists onto the desk in frustration. "If only that stupid bitch hadn't interfered with us…if I had just stood up to her instead of backing down and making that promise…if only I'd put my foot down and not let her tear us apart, all this could have been prevented. She would've been happy today…we would've been happy today." He pulled his hands up to his face--repeating the words "We would've been happy…we would've been happy," in a ragged voice.
Tsubaki fell apart at seeing the state her brother was in, it wasn't like him to breakdown like this. She had held herself together with amazing resolve these past few months, keeping all her emotions bottled up tightly inside her, but now his words cut into her like a knife. He was right. Their mother had destroyed both their lives, leaving them empty inside. She thought about the early years of her marriage, back when she was still optimistic she could make things work. When she compared it to how things were now she fell to Tsukasa's side and hugged him tightly, crying with him for a while until he finally broke away.
Tsukasa tried to pull himself together as he stood. Although it was his sister, he was embarrassed he had let anyone see that side of him. He rubbed the tears from his eyes with a careless sweep of his thumb and looked away, not wanting to meet her eyes. Tsubaki was still quite emotional and sat down on the chair Tsukasa had just vacated. She eyed him as he paced the floor again. He was accustomed to staying in control. His thoughts were interrupted as Tama came into the room and his eyes fixed on the old woman when she addressed them.
"Makino has arrangements to make. She'll be going to see Takahiro-san's mother today."
Tsukasa didn't even pause before replying. "I'll take her."
"No! You! Won't!" Tama banged her cane on the floor in time with each word. He was startled she was so adamant. "That's the last thing she needs…take it from someone who knows firsthand." Tama's gaze danced over to Tsubaki. "You will take her." It wasn't a question. Tsubaki nodded in agreement.
"Yes, I'll take her." Tsubaki took a few moments to regain her composure before excusing herself and going to see if Tsukushi was ready.
Tsukasa looked over at Tama in wonder as she slowly made her way to the door. What had she meant by that? When she reached the door, Tama turned and addressed him. "Can you come with me to my room? I have something there I think you should see." The old woman tapped him on the arm with her hook of her cane, signaling for him to follow. He did, because he knew from experience it would be wise to humour her.
*******
Tama went rifling through her closet before she found what she was looking for. She approached Tsukasa and handed it to him. "You may be surprised with what you find in there but I think this will give you a better understanding of everything."
Tsukasa was leery. What could possibly be in that box? He lifted the lid off the small lacquered box and when he saw the contents he looked up at her, eyebrows raised questioningly. "Letters? Why are you giving me letters?"
"You baka!" she scolded. "Look who sent them!" She sounded exasperated. Tsukasa was bewildered when he saw whose name was neatly inked in the corner of each envelope. What was going on here?
"Makino Tsukushi is like a granddaughter to me. She has a fire that reminds me of myself when I was young. I never dreamed I'd show these to anyone, let alone you, but I think you could really use the insight." She walked over to the door "I'm going to get some tea." She said, leaving him alone-- kneeling on the tatami mat with the box of letters on his lap. As she closed the door she muttered something he thought sounded like. "Hopefully he'll get the point."
Tsukasa ran his fingers across the row of letters, dust particles became airborne and danced in the shafts of light escaping round either side of the bamboo blinds at the window. He was amazed…Tama and Makino had stayed in contact over the years. He hadn't known that until now. He picked the bundle of letters out of the box and spread them across the floor in front of him with a fanning motion. Where would he start? He carefully examined the postmarks. "I guess at the beginning." He said aloud, as he picked up the letter with the oldest postmark on the envelope and unfolded it. He walked over to the window and rolled up the blind, leaning against the glass in the morning light to better read what was written there.
Dear Tama,
I was so surprised to hear from you. I wasn't expecting it at all. I hope you don't take that the wrong way because I was so happy when I got your letter. It means you care about me in the same way I care about you--like we're family. How are things with you? Things here are okay, I guess. How is Doumyouji?…………
Makino's most private thoughts were sprawled out on the papers he held and guilt overcame him for a moment--it was like stealing her diary--he couldn't help but continue to read, and as he read, tears fell, blurring the ink where they fell on the stationery. His heart felt as though it has been ripped from his chest. He now understood the devastation she had felt at being turned away by him in New York. She had truly loved him without reserve in the end, but until he'd seen it in writing, he'd only half- believed it, even though he'd often fantasized about it. In the next letter he picked up, he read of the cruelty she'd faced at the hands of Asai and the other classmates when they learned of their breakup and the hell her last year at Eitoku had been when there was no more F4 to keep her safe. He read of the solace she found in Rui, who had been her rock during that time, and was jarred when he read the words she had written about their time together. It was strange to look at Rui with Shigeru and reconcile him with the man Tsukushi wrote about. Should he take solace in the fact that relationship had been short-lived? He read on as she poured her heart out to Tama, telling the old woman Rui had wanted to take things further but at that point her heart had still belonged to one man and one man alone and she turned him down.
In the next letter she wrote about how she had encouraged a relationship between Rui and Shigeru. News had come of Shizuka's recent wedding in Paris and Tsukushi thought her energetic friend would be good for Rui, who had been down in the dumps ever since she'd said no. The news from Paris had depressed him further. Shigeru was from the 'right' family and was so upbeat and lively Rui couldn't help getting pulled along in her wake. He'd taken to sleeping the day away again and needed stimulation to keep him awake. Shigeru definitely had the energy to keep up with the effort it would require. Then there was the fact he was so calm and quiet, he would be a steadying influence on her. It was perfect. They would complement each other like yin and yang.
Tsukasa looked up from the letter, a slight smile on his face as he practically heard the pride in her voice--he'd always wondered how Rui and Shigeru had paired off but had never asked. When he came home from the States to find they were engaged, it had floored him. It was funny to think Makino Tsukushi was the matchmaker and that she'd been right after all.
He picked up envelope after envelope and with each letter he read he noticed the tone was becoming more upbeat, that Tsukushi was happier, stronger. After Eitoku, she went away to university in Kyoto and met a man there, one Takahiro Yuusuke. At first she held him at bay, but with every passing day, Yuusuke replaced the love she had for Tsukasa. He hadn't pushed, but had been patient and contented himself with being a good friend to her. If she needed a partner or escort he was there for her and vice- versa. When he finally worked up the nerve to kiss her, there was something so incredibly sweet about the whole thing it moved her heart. She admitted to Tama that part of her would always love Doumyouji but she was now ready to move on in her life. Yuusuke was attentive, gentle, smart and witty and he cherished her beyond belief. She told Tama how amazing it was to feel safe, secure and loved all at once. Takahiro Yuusuke brought a happiness and stability into her life that Doumyouji Tsukasa could not. After reading Makino's words, how could Tsukasa not feel jealous of the man.
*******
Tsukushi sat quietly as she stared through the tinted window of the limousine. Blurred fields and barren trees zipped by as she focused on the distant mountains. She had traveled on this stretch of road many times before, but the drive had never seemed so long. She thought back on her conversation with Tama earlier that day.
**
"Tsukushi, you must pull yourself together!" the old woman had told her.
"I'm not even sure I know where to begin." she had replied, her voice listless as she struggled to find and ground herself. "I feel so lost right now. I feel so alone."
"Believe me when I tell you there'll be time enough for grieving when he's buried." The old woman had come over to stand next to her and laid one of her rheumatic hands on Tsukushi's shoulder. "Take it from someone who's been there, there's too much you have to take care of right now and you can't afford to fall apart!"
"But he's gone….what am I going to do without him?" Tama had known the depth of Tsukushi's feelings for Yuusuke.
"You will learn to live with it. You can do nothing else. Eventually you'll take time to grieve--after he's buried, mind you. But right now it's more important that you stay strong for the sake of everyone else involved."
"Kaa-san!" Tsukushi suddenly remembered she had yet to break the news to Yuusuke's mother or her own parents either for that matter.
**
Memories flooded her mind, as she recalled the day she and Yuusuke had driven down the coast to see his mother and shared the news of their engagement. As she remembered his excitement a small smile graced her lips, but only for a moment. She had been taken from her dreamlike state when the car door slammed shut. Horror consumed her when she realized the car was no longer moving--they had arrived at their destination, Takahiro Atsuko's home in Odawara. Tsukushi felt sick to her stomach. Panic engulfed her; she couldn't bear the thought of entering that house without Yuusuke by her side. She felt the cool air of the late autumn day surround her as the chauffeur opened the door. She tried lifting her leg over the frame of the limousine but it was frozen. Her whole body was frozen.
Tsubaki leaned in through the door and extended her arm. Although she didn't say anything, her eyes spoke volumes for her. Tsukushi reluctantly took a hold of her hand and stepped out of the car. As her eyes adjusted to the daylight she took in the picture presented by the Takahiro residence, Yuusuke's childhood home. It was a modest, practical house but the grounds were impeccable. A brick wall framed the property, with a simple iron gate at its center. Shrubs and bushes adorned the little rock gardens beneath the windows. The vegetable garden they had harvested just two weeks before lay bare, the soil at the south side of the house turned over and waiting for next spring. The memory of their laughter as the three of them pulled up the vegetables made her dizzy and queasy.
Tsukushi stood for a moment and took a deep breath before finally getting up enough nerve to do what she had come here to do. The walk up the pathway was torturous. Everywhere she looked a vision of Yuusuke flashed in her mind. As they got closer to the door she heard it open. Tsukushi looked up to find Takahiro Atsuko standing before her. The widow's expression was grim as if she'd already known why Tsukushi was there. Tsukushi ascended the final steps and wrapped her arms around her. Her lips quivered as she struggled to find the words. "Kaa-san, I'm afraid I have some terrible news." She burst into tears and the older woman embraced her tightly, slow tears leaking down her cheeks.
**********
Yuuki listened to Kazuya explaining things in that excited chatter of his, amazed he found Susumu. In recent years it had been hard to keep up with Tsukushi's family. One never knew where they'd be living next, what scheme they'd be hatching.
"That'd be great, Kazuya." Yuuki told her friend. "Makino's gone to see Yuusuke's mother in Odawara but she should be back later this evening."
"We'll see you then." The line went dead and Yuuki pressed the 'end' button, clearing the call.
"So what's happening?" Nishikado asked her, having heard only Yuuki's side of the conversation.
"Kazuya's found Susumu and is bringing him over later. They've gotten a hold of Tsukushi's parents and Kazuya wired them the cash to get here by train. They'll be here late tomorrow."
"I'm sure we could go pick them up, that way they wouldn't have to take the train." Soujirou countered.
"They're in Aomori," Yuuki clarified. When Soujirou heard how far north they were, he didn't argue. That was a sixteen hour journey by train.
"I guess we'll meet them at the station, then."
"Do you know where I can find a phonebook in this house?" Yuuki asked them. "I need to look up the number of Yuusuke's clinic. They haven't been told yet, I don't think." Yuuki had remembered seeing the message light flashing on the answering machine when she had been picking up things from Tsukushi's apartment. Had the message been the clinic calling to find out where he was?
"Call directory assistance." Soujirou told her. "It's faster."
"Now, why didn't I think of that! I'm not too swift today, am I?" She rolled her eyes and chuckled briefly, unable to believe the obvious had escaped her, and Nishikado and Mimasaka joined in.
**********
Tsubaki was sitting on a cushion in front of a low table, nursing a cup of tea in her hands. Tsukushi sat to her left, across from Takahiro's mother. She drank in silence, listening to the quiet conversation between the two women and learning a great deal about how Tsukushi's life had changed in the years since they'd last seen each other. This Yuusuke of hers sounded like one hell of a guy. The thought of how much Tsukushi had loved her fiancé made her think again of her own marriage. She'd liked the man her mother had chosen for her well enough, but she hadn't loved him. How could she love someone she didn't really know anything about? The first couple of years they had both tried, but the more they got to know each other, the less they found they had in common. She tuned back into the conversation.
"We have to talk about the funeral arrangements." Tsukushi directed the conversation back to the matter at hand.
"I know," Yuusuke's mother replied softly, "and the real question is whether it should be here or in Tokyo."
"That's your decision." Tsukushi told the woman who should have been her mother-in-law.
"No…it's not my decision. Yuusuke forged a life for himself away from Odawara. He chose Tokyo, and he chose you."
"Will you come back to Tokyo with us, then?"
"I will. But grant me an hour to gather the things I need."
"Gladly, Kaa-san." Tsukushi replied. "Tsubaki, would you like to take a walk down to the coast?"
"Huh? Um, sure." Tsubaki hadn't expected to be included and was a bit startled by the question.
**********
Tsukasa slouched down onto the floor by the window, gripping Tsukushi's letters in his fist. His mind was working overtime as he imagined Tsukushi and Yuusuke together. He recalled the letter where she described their first kiss and it almost killed him. Without realizing he'd done so, he crushed the letters in his fist. Tsukasa had come to the realization of how intimate their relationship must have been. They had been living together, so it would be only logical they had made love. He was overcome with emotion--anger, rage, jealousy, but most of all, sadness. Yuusuke had been granted the intimacy he wanted so badly but could never attain.
Tsukasa was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't hear Tama enter the room. She had tried getting his attention verbally, but to no avail. Tama did not take kindly to being ignored. She walked across the room, raised her cane up, and proceeded to tap him on the side of his head. Tsukasa stirred at the sudden pain. He looked up at the old woman and snarled.
"Tama, what the hell are you doing?" He was livid. "Why did you show these to me?" Tsukasa pulled himself up from the floor and leered in her direction.
"What are you doing?" she countered. "Yelling at an old woman like that, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Tsukasa calmed down at her statement. He hadn't meant to raise his voice at her--he was crushed by the contents of the letters and the sharp pain in his head hadn't helped.
"G.…gomen!" Tsukasa stammered, bowing his head in remorse. Tama walked back over to shut the door but her eyes followed him to the window. "Why did you show these to me?" he asked, after a few awkward moments passed. "You must have known what these would do to me." His voice was shaking. He relaxed his fists and the letter he was holding fell to his feet. Tama made her way over to where he stood and bent down slowly to pick the letters up.
"I didn't show you them to hurt you...I showed you them to help you." She sighed as she began to smooth the crumpled papers out before folding them up and sliding them back into their envelopes. and putting them back in the lacquered box.
Tsukasa turned to face her, unsure of her words. "Help me?...How can this help me? Knowing what I put her through and how she turned to another. How can that help me, Tama?"
Tama shook her head in disbelief. Could he really be so blind? "Baka...don't you see? She loved you so deeply she couldn't even function. But she came around to Yuusuke in time...because of his patience." She continued. "You're in such a rush to help her that you'll only end up pushing her away. Time. Time is what she needs. Time to heal." Tama walked over to her chair and sat down. She was tiring. "She loved you once, she could love you again....but not if you suffocate her!" Her words sunk into his mind. He understood their meaning. She was right, as always. He knelt down beside her, placing his head in her lap and spoke softly.
"Arigato, Tama....Arigato." Tsukasa was startled once again by a pain in his head. Tama had grabbed him firmly by the hair and trailed him off to the side.
"Kindly get off me.…..I have arthritis, you know!" Tsukasa smiled at the force she displayed.
"Really? I hadn't noticed." He chuckled as he scrambled to his feet and lunged for the door, evading her swinging cane.
