~I have become...~

Human? As I walk the street's there stemch fills my nostrals and my soul becomes sick. Why Do I have to stay here? Surrounded by these evil little beings... but are they evil? ... WHAT AM I THINKING!!!!!! Of course they are.

I turn my eye's to a child and suddenly I almost forget that it is evil. But the child is evil by nature... I wonder... does He love the humans because of that. Oh I have had far to much time to think... being here has forced me to think, and with those thoughts have come many unwanted revalaitions... and those revalations hac cuased humanty to seep into my eye's, I see it, yet those who call themselvs my 'friends' say that I am less human than a rock... I wish it where thusely. In anger I grind my teeth, the fools...the fools...

Still... Lately I have found my self in need of the men who call me 'friend'. Like they are a connection to something I Have lost... but what could a human have that I could possibly want?

And then I know... Faith... something I have not. Did I ever have it? Is that... the thing that God loves so much? No... It can't be, so few have any faith left in him... Faith... faith that is pehaps burried even in the most evil? Is that why he gives them so many chances? He knows the THEY have faith, burried beneath the sin and hate... don't I have faith.... don't I?

Faith... I need faith... but how does one who never had faith... in anything get faith? I Once allowed my self to trust the 'friends' but only mildly.... but trust is still so far from faith, one could have trust and be faithless. How could I find faith? The French Maiden Joan of Arc had Faith in spaids... I rember her... the only human I found any beauty in...even if it was only the smallest measure... it was there.

But was Faith what made them so beuatiful to God? What was it he said, I see the beeauty of your pain? Does he rejoice in seeing me suffer? No... he see;s that in my suffering I am finding myself more than just needing him I...I ...

Am I finding my faith? I stop to stand at the side walk, blue eye's wide in unblieving, hope flowering in my chest... I amlost have it....