Picking Up The Pieces

By: Angela Timchuk and Karen McVicker

(A.K.A. Makino & deDanaan)

Chapter Eight

Sayonara



"Sunday is gloomy.

My hours are slumberless.

Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless.

Little white flowers will never awaken you.

Not where the Black Coach of Sorrow has taken you."



Two days had passed since Tsukushi had woken to find herself at the Doumyouji estate. It had been a very busy and stressful time for her. Along with Atsuko, she had made all the necessary arrangements as they prepared to host a combined Otsuya/Ososhiki ceremony for Yuusuke. As their apartment was not large enough to cater to a lot of people for the wake and Yuusuke had touched so many lives, they decided to combine the wake and service and hold it at the largest Saijo in Shinjuku.

Tsukushi and Takahiro-san arrived at the Saijo early. They wanted some time alone with Yuusuke for private prayer before the crowd arrived. Both women wore simple black Kimonos symbolizing that their mourning period had begun. The priest greeted them as they arrived and, after expressing his condolences, he went over the formalities of Yuusuke's rite of passage and stressed the importance of his spiritual journey to the afterlife. He accompanied them for a private viewing with Yuusuke. Tsukushi and Atsuko walked arm-in-arm down the aisle between the chairs, as if to prevent each other from collapsing.

Yuusuke's black casket was laid out before them at the far end of the room. Truth be told, it was actually a large hall capable of accommodating a few hundred people. Because of Yuusuke's profile among the medical community, the place would probably be packed to capacity. There was a small altar set up in front of the coffin. It was covered in an embroidered gold cloth adorned with white candles and a double-chambered incense burner. It also held a large picture of Yuusuke. The sweet, heavy smell of incense snaked through the room. White and yellow chrysanthemums and lilies, displayed in tall vases, were set at the head and foot of his casket. A small kneeler with a black velvet cushion atop stood in front of the casket so people could pay their last respects. The priest placed his hands on the lid of the casket and opened it. After laying out the silk padding surrounding Yuusuke, he retreated, giving the women time alone with their beloved. Tsukushi helped the older woman down onto the kneeler. Atsuko bowed her head before reaching for the bowl of incense. After she sprinkled the powdered incense onto the burner, she bowed again and began counting off prayers for her son on her beads.

Tsukushi couldn't take her eyes off Yuusuke. He was dressed in a green and gold traditional Haori jacket over black pleated Hakama. The gold braided knot completed the ensemble. She thought back to when they had gone shopping for it just a few short weeks ago. It was what he should have worn for their wedding. They had decided on a traditional Shinto ceremony --a ceremony that would never come to pass.

***

"So, tell me again….how is it that you can come with me to pick out my outfit, but I'm not allowed to see yours?" Yuusuke was laughing at the indignant look on his fiancée's face as Tsukushi pushed him through the doors of the boutique.

"That's just the way things are. You don't get to see it until the day of our wedding." She paused for a second before continuing, "On the other hand, if I wasn't here to help, you'd probably buy something garish. I swear, you and Kazuya must talk fashion. It's no wonder us girls have to come along. Someone's got to keep you out of trouble with the fashion police." Even though she was chiding him, she was smiling. He really wasn't as bad as Kazuya, but sometimes she had to wonder.

She leafed through a legal magazine she had brought along in her bag as she waited for him. When he finally came out to model for her, he flashed a winning smile. She was stunned. He looked so handsome and proud standing in front of her, her heart swelled at the sight. "Oh, Yuusuke," she breathed, "that's perfect!"

***

And now he lay in his coffin wearing it. Tsukushi closed her eyes and swallowed down the tears that had suddenly bubbled up again. Her fingers played with the loose ring she was wearing on the middle finger of her left hand.

Atsuko stared at her son. He looked so beautiful, his face serene like it had been all those years she'd snuck into his room when he was a child to watch him sleep. She kept wishing he would open his eyes, that he'd just be sleeping, for all this to be a bad dream. But it was real--a reality she couldn't bear. Atsuko rose up from the kneeler and stood by her son. His hands were folded across his chest and she placed hers on top. She cringed at their coldness and began to weep, her fragile resolve to be strong shattered. Tsukushi placed her hand on Atsuko's shoulder before kneeling down next to her to pray. Their wasn't anything either of them could do to soothe the other's pain. The priest kept a watchful eye on them from his post at the door.

**********

Tsukasa stood in front of the mirror adjusting the knot in his tie--he was having trouble with it today. His mind wandered, and again Tsukushi occupied his thoughts. What was she doing right now? He had worried himself sick about her over the past two days. He hadn't seen Tsukushi since the morning after the accident. He'd been afraid to call, but wouldn't admit that to anyone if they asked. Fortunately, Yuuki had been his Godsend as she'd kept in contact with him by phone to keep him filled in on how Tsukushi was doing and what the particulars of the wake and funeral arrangements were. Still he couldn't keep Tsukushi off his mind, she invaded his every thought.

Tsukasa looked in the mirror again and sighed with frustration. "Stupid tie." He muttered as he walked away from the mirror, giving up on the knot. He grabbed the black Armani blazer from the ornate bench at the base of his bed and slipped it on as he headed downstairs to the sitting room. Tama and his sister, both dressed in sober black dresses and overcoats, were waiting there for him. Tsubaki immediately approached her brother and began fussing at his collar.

"You still haven't figured these out yet? How on earth do you dress yourself for work?" She questioned teasingly, as she perfected the knot. Tsukasa shrugged his shoulders. Normally a comment like that would have provoked a snappish response but he wasn't paying much attention and his mind wandered off again. Tsubaki laid off the jokes, knowing from his mood that her brother was in no shape for them. After a few moments of small talk between Tsubaki and Tama, Tsukasa snapped out of his dazed state and led the two women outside to the limousine that would take them to the Saijo.

**********

Atsuko made her way over to see the priest, leaving Tsukushi alone with Yuusuke. After she was finished praying, Tsukushi stood up and stared at him and again. She inched her way forward and extended her arms. She draped herself across his chest and stared up at his face. Her eyes widened as she was horrified once more by the lack of movement in his chest--a chest she had lain on numerous times before, comforted by his heat, steady heartbeat, and gentle embrace. But now there was no heartbeat and no warmth, there was no hand reaching to pull her close. All there was now was the chill of death, radiating through his wedding clothes. She gripped the collar of his Haori and started to cry aloud. "Why did you have to die, Yuusuke? Why did you leave me alone?" She questioned him with pleading eyes, awaiting an answer she knew could never be given. Her features crumpled and she buried her face in his chest, soaking the Haori with her tears. Her muffled sobs could be heard throughout the hall.

She thought back to yesterday, when she had gone to get the accident report from Detective Ishida.

***

"Makino-san," Detective Ishida greeted as he met her in the lobby of the station. Tsukushi bowed and nodded.

"Hai. And this is Takahiro Atsuko, Yuusuke's mother."

"Thank you for coming. Please follow me." He led them through a gate, down a corridor and through a doorway to a small, cluttered office--moving in front of them to lift a pile of case files off the chairs so they could have a seat. "Please." He motioned to the newly cleared chairs before turning to deposit the files he held on top of an already high stack of paperwork teetering dangerously on one corner of the desk. Tsukushi and Atsuko sat down as Detective Ishida rummaged around on his desk, looking for something. "Ah, here it is," he said in a voice that held no pleasure in what it had found.

He held a beige file folder. Tsukushi found herself tranced, watching his hands as they opened it with a horrified fascination. She was absolutely dreading its contents.  "Here." The detective lifted a piece of paper out of the folder and handed it to her. She wasn't sure she should take it. She didn't know if she really wanted to read what was written there. "The details are all here." He suddenly noticed the look on her face. "If you want, I can read it for you."

"No thank you. We'll read it for ourselves." She reached out with trembling fingers and took the paper from him. The detective watched in silence as her eyes flicked across the words written there. He watched her features crumple as she raised her hand to cover her mouth and passed the paper over to Yuusuke's mother. When Atsuko had finished reading, she handed the report back to the detective. He thanked her and laid it face down in the folder. "There's more here, such as photos from the scene and eyewitness accounts…." He trailed off as Makino met his gaze. There was something in her eyes that made him hand the whole folder over to her without another word.

"Thank you," she told him, as she shuffled through the papers and photographs. She winced as she came across a photograph of the accident scene. Yuusuke's car had been completely totaled by a speeding truck that had run a red light.

One line from the report kept jumping into her mind. 'SUBJECT WAS STILL ALIVE WHEN EMERGENCY CREWS ARRIVED.' She couldn't even fathom it. What had the last few minutes of his life been like? The accident had happened at the busiest intersection in Shinjuku and the Emergency Response Unit had been there quickly--but Yuusuke had been trapped and they'd had to wait for the crew to arrive with the jaws of life to free him from the wreckage. His life had bled out of him before their very eyes.

There was another photograph of the wreckage. This picture had been taken at the precinct's motor vehicle compound and showed the interior of the car. What a mess it was. The thing that jarred her about the whole thing was that the shattered and bloody interior of the car was strewn with rose petals. He had been bringing home a bouquet for her as way of apology for being late. As if she would have minded. She stared at the picture, disturbed by the image captured there in vivid colour.

"Oh, Yuusuke," she had sighed.

***

After a while, Tsukushi felt two hands at her sides. She lifted herself from Yuusuke to find her mother behind her. "MAMA!" she called and threw herself into her mother's arms, holding the older woman tightly. After a second of hesitation, as if she hadn't expected it, her mother hugged her back almost as fiercely. When she opened her eyes she saw her father and brother standing off to the side, afraid to interrupt the intimate moment between mother and daughter. Tsukushi released her mother and went over to them, embracing them simultaneously. She hadn't spent much time with them since they'd gotten in from Aomori because she'd been so busy organizing everything and they were staying with Susumu. Under the current circumstances she had been unable to give them a proper welcome, but she knew they understood.

"Ohayo, Mama, Papa, Susumu." Tsukushi spoke behind a false smile.

"Tsukushi, I know we've said it before but we are so sorry about Yuusuke. What can we say except he was a fine man." Mama continued. "Our one regret is that we didn't get the chance to know him better."

"It's okay, its not like we lived close by." Tsukushi replied, hugging them tight and granting forgiveness. "And the road runs both ways, you know. We could have come to visit you more often too."

"I remember the last time we were all together," Papa spoke, "it was back in September at your Yui-no. I remember thinking how lucky we were to have a nice guy like Yuusuke for a son-in-law." Tsukushi closed her eyes, her heart wrenching as she remembered her engagement celebration. Her knees went to water under her and she trembled. Her parents saw this and Papa led her to a chair and sat next to her. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he tried his best to console her. She was still his little girl no matter what age she was and it hurt him to see what she was going through. Atsuko came over from where she had been standing, talking to the priest, to pick up Tsukushi's hand in her own and stroke it with her thumb for a few minutes, offering what little comfort she could.

Just outside the doors to the hall the priest welcomed the mourners as they began arriving in large numbers. Tsukushi and Atsuko headed for the entrance to join him and customarily greet everyone as they arrived. They stopped next to a table with many small boxes of tea and envelopes stacked neatly on it. Rui and Shigeru were among the first to arrive. Kazuya and Sakurako stood directly behind them. The foursome bowed to Tsukushi and Atsuko before placing their Koden envelopes in the basket. Tsukushi and Atsuko handed them thank-you cards and a gift of tea and the couples seated themselves a few rows behind Makino's parents.

Tsukushi and Atsuko greeted a long procession of people, all sharing the same sentiment on how wonderful Yuusuke was and the sadness of his untimely passing. Yuuki and Makiko arrived together. It had been a little while since Tsukushi had talked to Makiko, but she was truly glad to see her old high-school friend. The young women offered their condolences with hugs.

The next group of people to arrive were Yuusuke's co-workers from the clinic. They were a tight-knit bunch who socialized outside of work and knew Makino well. Tsukushi stood numbly as they spoke to her, telling her how shocked and upset they were by the events of the last few days. Finally that was over and she found herself facing Yuusuke's best friend, Saionji. His eyes were serious as he took her hands in his own and squeezed them in greeting and support. She had gone to see him yesterday, after finishing up with the accident report and they'd ended up talking for a few hours about everything that had happened. Before she left, she had asked him to give the Eulogy. He hadn't known what to say so he just nodded instead.

"So?" she asked him, not needing to elaborate further.

"I've written something, but I can't promise I'll get through it."

"Thank you for doing this for us, Saionji."

**********

Tsukasa helped Tama out of the limo. She seemed a little upset at having needed his assistance but didn't protest aloud. Tsubaki brought her into the Saijo ahead of Tsukasa, who had decided to wait around in the parking lot when he saw Akira's car arrive.

"Makino." Tama greeted as she shuffled slowly into the hall.

"Tama-san, Tsubaki, thank you for coming." Tsukushi replied with a slight smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Tama, this is Takahiro Atsuko, Yuusuke's mother. Okaasan, this is Tama, an old friend….."

Akira parked his Porsche and made his way over to where Doumyouji stood. He also was dressed in a black suit and his long wavy hair was neatly tied back in its usual ponytail. After a few minutes, Soujirou joined them and they found themselves talking.

"Is it just me, or is it weird being at a funeral for someone we didn't know?" Soujirou asked his friends.

"Yeah, but we're here for Makino's sake, Soujirou." Akira rebutted. "We're here to show our support. Think about it--he was only a few years older than we are and it seems surreal that he's dead when he had so much going for him. It doesn't make sense, he had his whole life in front of him…..I can't imagine what she's going through."

"I can." Tsukasa replied. He turned his back on his friends, preventing them from seeing his saddened expression.

Soujirou and Akira stared at him and then each other. What did he mean by that? They decided not to press the issue and changed the subject. Tsukasa didn't add anything further to their conversation, he motioned for the duo to go in ahead of him. Once alone, he fumbled with something in the inside pocket of his blazer, before proceeding into the hall.

Makino stood ahead of him, accompanied by an older woman he didn't recognize. She was talking softly to Akira. Tsukasa came to the conclusion that the woman must be Takahiro-san, Yuusuke's mother. He noted Makino's pale complexion. The only colour in her face was in her eyes, swollen and red-rimmed from crying and lack of rest. Her long hair was meticulously restrained in a bun. Here…now…with her hair pulled back and her face strained, he caught a glimpse that reminded him of the girl he had said good-bye to in New York eight years ago. Suddenly it was his turn and he bowed before them, taking their hands in his own to convey his remorse. Tsukasa reached into his pocket and pulled out the Koden envelope, placing it in the basket. Susumu documented his donation, his eyes widening at how ornate the envelope was. Doumyouji then entered the main room and seated himself between his sister and Akira.

With the ceremony close to beginning, Tsukushi and Atsuko took their seats directly in front of Yuusuke, even though the Saijo was still being filled with mourners arriving at the last moment. Tsukushi looked behind her, she knew how much Yuusuke was admired, but even so, it startled her a bit to find the hall was filled to capacity. She scanned the sea of faces. Yuusuke's friends sat near the center, his closest friend, Saionji wept as he went over the Eulogy he had prepared. Their co-workers were all present. Even some of their professors from University had assembled. But what surprised her the most were the unexpected faces there from her past. Amon was standing alone near the back of the room, Kin-san, seated not far in front of him….and was that Junpei and Yoshimatsu? She didn't remember any of them arriving. They hadn't known Yuusuke. Where they here because of her? She turned her attention back to the priest as he began chanting prayers.

All through the service, Tsukasa watched an emotional Tsukushi. Saionji addressed the bereaved, giving them a closer glimpse into Yuusuke's life and the man his friend had been. Tsukushi laughed through her tears at some of the antics he and Saionji had pulled and the trouble they had gotten themselves into when they were younger. She smiled and cried about their own memories as they were retold. Saionji went on to tell the congregation how proud Yuusuke had been to have Tsukushi become his wife. It was a wonderful tribute to his friend and Tsukushi hugged him when he finished his speech. Tsukasa sat quietly, mulling over everything he had just heard. It seemed Yuusuke had been everything he wasn't.

The priest directed the congregation to come pay their final respects in a moment of prayer. Makino's parents began the ritual. They bowed before Tsukushi and Atsuko, and then to Yuusuke. First they each picked up the incense and sprinkled it over the burner, repeating the custom twice more. Then, one at a time, kneeled in prayer before him. They returned to their seats to await the priest's final prayer. Soon a line had formed that extended through the exterior of the temple. Tsukasa found himself somewhere in the middle. He could hear the cries of those who had known and loved this Yuusuke. Before long, it was his turn to pay respect to Yuusuke. He felt very awkward. As he approached the casket he observed him closely. This was the man Tsukushi loved so deeply. He knelt down after sprinkling the incense, but didn't really know what he should pray for. He bowed his head and thanked Yuusuke for bringing Tsukushi such happiness and prayed for the man's safe journey to the next plateau. He bowed again and seated himself, watching the procession of Makino's and Yuusuke's grief stricken friends pass by him slowly.

Before it was time to close Yuusuke's casket, the priest chanted the final prayer and gave Tsukushi and Takahiro-san a moment to say their final good- byes. Atsuko stroked her son's face for the last time, and placed a kiss on his forehead. Tsukushi leaned over Yuusuke, weeping. She kissed him softly on his lips and, as she did, she slipped the ring off her middle finger, the ring that was to have been his wedding band, and set it in the coffin next to him. She lingered there for a long time, drinking his features in for one last time and whispering in a broken voice. "Aishiteru yo, Yuusuke.  Sayonara...." Atsuko tugged at her kimono in order to get her to stand back and allow the lid to be put back down. The priest then offered each of the women a rock so they could help him hammer the lid shut. Tsukushi had to bite her lip to keep herself from sobbing aloud as she knocked the pin into the lid blow by blow.

Tsukasa closed his eyes and lowered his head, gripping his trousers until the material bunched in his closed fists. Tears streaked down his face. It hurt him deeply to see her so upset. There were no words he could say to ease her pain. He felt utterly useless. Akira looked over at his friend. He knew Makino's reaction would be hard for Tsukasa. Tsubaki reached over, took her brother's hand and squeezed it in her own. It was the only thing she could do for him now.

**********

"Can you bring me the Tokyo papers?" The request was granted as a middle aged man placed it a stack of newsprint on the desk.

"Ano...I'm afraid they're from two days ago." he replied, wincing a little, as he anticipated an angry reaction.

"That's fine." Came the quiet answer. It was time to enjoy an early morning coffee and croissant. It was nice to have few moments of peace in an otherwise hectic day to be able to catch up on the news from home.

She raised her cup to her mouth, savouring its aroma and taste, but as she read she sputtered and began choking, shocked at the name she found in the headlines. Why was it so familiar?

She analyzed the article more carefully. 'Celebrated pediatrician killed in car wreck.' As she read on further, she realized why the name Takahiro Yuusuke had been so familiar. He was the man who was to marry that troublemaker, Makino Tsukushi.

Makino Tsukushi, how she despised that girl. Her thoughts turned to her son and how that worthless drain mouse had tainted him. Even though she'd been out of her son's life, that woman still influenced him. He had refused to entertain even one of the matches she put forward over the years. She put the paper down on the desk and pressed the intercom button. "Nishida-san, come in here right away, we have some rather important business to attend to."

The look on Doumyouji Kaede's face changed from the shock she'd initially experienced to a look of absolute contempt. With elbows on the desk, she steepled her fingers together in front of her and thought about how to handle the situation. No doubt about it, that girl would become an unwanted factor in her son's life again.



_____________________

(The lyrics at the beginning of the chapter are from the song "Gloomy Sunday" from Sarah Brightman's album "La Luna")