Damaged Soul
a Soujiro-centric fic
by Lucathia
part 6
Black. That's all I see. No colors are swirling in my mind. All I see is black. Am I unconscious? Am I dead?
Heat is all I feel. So hot! I'm burning from the heat. How did Shi-shio-san bear the flames? It's so hot. I'm wilting. What's this heavy presence I feel on me? I'm suffocating. I can't breathe.
What's this coolness I feel on my forehead? It feels so nice. Keep the heat away from me! The coolness is leaving. The heat is coming back.
"No, don't leave me!"
I reached my hand out to capture the coolness. It felt so nice!
What is this coolness? I slowly forced my eyes open to see. A blurred image of red feathers came into my sight. I closed my eyes again.
No. I will not remember. Please no more red feathers for me. I didn't mean to kill them. I had to kill them. I need my revenge. I needed to harm them. I'm not in the wrong. They are. They're the ones who are wrong. One who does not kill can never be in the right.
With these thoughts in mind, I opened my eyes again. This time I saw a redheaded boy with sparkling purple eyes sitting far, far away from me. He looked at me with defiance and padded away with the wet cloth he had used to cool me down.
When his footsteps sounded in the corridor outside, another pair of feet entered with him. I looked up wearily. It's Himura-san. I opened my mouth to greet him, and to my surprise, I had my voice back. Why is that? Why can I speak again?
"Morning, Himura-san." My voice cracked with disuse. I can hardly recognize my own voice anymore.
"You're awake, Soujiro." Himura-san's face showed no trace of welcome, nor any signs of scorn. His face was without emotion. He wasn't smiling, nor was he frowning. He reminded me of myself at the moment. I always have on a mask. I can usually keep my feelings from surfacing...why is it that I can't do that right now?
I sat there in silence after those few words. Himura-san stopped speaking to me. He turned his back to me and faced the window. All was silent--too silent. I closed my eyes and lay back down. I'm sick and tired of this world. Extracting my revenge isn't that great. I know I can defeat all and every single one of those weaklings, but Yumi-neesan won't let me.
That's the thing. She won't let me kill them. She doesn't want to see me smother my life with revenge. But the thing is, she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how important revenge is! Himura was the one who led Shishio-san to his death. Himura was the one who led Shishio-san to kill Yumi-neesan. Himura was the one who broke me. He's the cause of all the confusion in my life.
And so he's the one who needs to suffer.
First, it'll be his friends. Then his family. When he's the only one left, he won't even have a will to live on anymore.
Footsteps. I opened my eyes and turned my head slightly. I saw Himura-san's boy tug at Himura's sleeve. That boy wants his father to leave, but the father won't. Why is that? Why won't he just leave his deadliest enemy here to sleep to death? Doesn't he know what it means if he saves me?
His payment will be his death. I don't care how cruel people think I am. Weak people deserve to die. Himura is weak. He's weaker than every single person in the whole world. He can't even protect his own family.
I slowly reached a hand towards my sheath. Touching the familiar handle, I felt a surge of warmth flow through me. My sword is all I have. At least they didn't take it away from me. This is another one of Himura's stupid ways. If he took away my sword, he wouldn't have had to die.
I rose up quickly. Himura sensed me and turned around, still with no emotion in his eyes. His son clung to him, both scared and angry at me at the same time.
I pull out my sword, ready to run both of them through and just be done with it. I have to change my plan now. I don't have time to kill all of Himura's friends and family. I should just kill him right now.
Just as I took the first step, I collapsed again. My body writhed with fever. The heat conquered my entire being. I couldn't even move my arm.
Himura just walked over calmly and pulled me back under the blankets.
Stupid fever. Stupid rain. Stupid dart. If it weren't because of Mother Nature's folly causing me to catch a cold, I could have killed every single person here. They would never had lived long enough to see another day.
It's all Mother Nature's fault. Stupid fever.
With that, I lapsed into unconsciousness again. Don't laugh at me, Shishio-san. I'm not weak...Mother Nature just doesn't favor me. You can ask Yumi-neesan about that.
to be continued
