Damaged Soul

a Soujiro-centric fic

by Lucathia


part 8


What do I see? Nothing...nothing at all. My world started from emptiness and it'll end in emptiness. When have I ever found happiness? All I feel is pain, loneliness, anguish...no one ever cared about me. No one ever wanted to even try to understand what I've gone through. I'm all alone.

Is this the end? Am I fated to die? Why do things have to go this way? Haven't I tried already? Haven't I tried to endure all the pain? Isn't that enough? Why isn't it enough? Other people never had to feel what I feel. They never had to feel all this. They weren't ever alone. Not like me. They never had to suffer what I suffered. That's why they don't understand...they just don't, and they can't.

They left me. Yumi-neesan and Shishio-san left me. They left me all alone. Why did they leave me here to suffer? I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be friendless. They were the only family I had...and Himura just had to kill them. It's all his fault. Yeah...it's all his fault...silly me. Even if I say it again and again, I can't actually convince myself that it is his fault.

But I did convince myself at one point. Wasn't that why I harmed all those people? I wanted revenge. I wanted to see people suffer the same way I did and the same way I still do. There's nothing wrong with that.

Of course there's something wrong with that!

A deep, seducing, feminine voice vibrated through my mind. I know it's you, Yumi-neesan. I can never forget your voice. You...you were like the mother I never knew...well, if you think "mother" is too old, then fine, you were like the sister I never had.

Tsk, tsk. Calling me old, are you?

But WHY are you stopping me from extracting revenge? Even if Himura wasn't directly involved with your death, he was the one who caused you pain!

(Sigh)..Don't be vengeful, Sou-chan. I want you to be innocent.

Don't be vengeful. Be innocent? But I can't...I cannot NOT be vengeful! It's the goal of my life. Without this revenge, I have no point in living on. In fact, I don't even want to live anymore. Life holds no appeal for me. And...when was I ever innocent?

You still are innocent, my dear little Sou-chan. You have always been innocent in my heart.

Yumi-neesan...you mean so much to me. Why did you have to die? I can't live without you! I can't...I can't go on.

Good bye, Soujiro, till the day we meet again.

"NO!!"

If you keep going on like this, I won't want to see you again.

"No, Yumi-neesan...don't leave me, won't you forgive me?"

Live your life to the fullest dear. I have my own life after death to live. I can't tend you forever.

"I wish I can go with you, Yumi-neesan. Just don't leave me alone."

Live your life...make me proud...don't be vengeful.


It's all black again. I'm stuck in this world between life and death, certainty and uncertainty. Why can't some unknown force just finish me off and be done with it? Why do I still have to be hovering in this situation. Yumi-neesan...you didn't take me with you. You should have...you really should have.

"Yumi-neesan!" I shouted with all of my might, finally snapping awake. My eyes are so blurry, I can't even see. I blinked, trying to clear my eyes...but then, I felt moisture on my hands. Wha..what is this? Me, crying? Im-impossible, but it was the truth, and now that I started, I don't know if I can stop anymore.

I huddled closer to the blanket and tried to hide under it to muffle my sobs. I couldn't stop my tears anymore. I sobbed. I cried. I let it all out. I finally understand how much Yumi-neesan meant to me. I don't know why I never saw this before and now that I have, she's gone already. Too late for me to tell her how much she means to me.

Or maybe it's not too late. If I join her in her world...then I can tell her.

Slowly, I pulled out my sword, taking in the sight of blood on the blade. Sagara Sanosuke's blood. I never got a chance to wipe the sword clean since I passed out right next to him. The dried blood looked so appealing before...but why is it that I feel so disgusted by it now? Was...was what I felt before really joy? Did I really kill for joy?

Now...how would it feel if I executed the same pain to myself as I have to the other people? I have no point of staying in this world...Yumi-neesan doesn't want me to hurt anyone. She doesn't want revenge. She took away my only direction in life. I feel so lost now! What should I do?

Closing my eyes slowly, I smiled slightly and ran my very own blade across my left wrist. A slit of red appeared. Blood painfully oozed out and trickled down my arm. My smile grew and I readied my sword, pointing it above my stomach.

Here I come, Yumi-neesan!

I closed out all sounds, all sight, focusing only on the sword. This will be the last minute of my life. My arms started to move towards my stomach and then-

The door burst open, but I did not notice it. My sword was about to end my life but...

"What do you think you're doing!?"

A hand jerked my sword away from me. I rose my burning eyes to meet those piercing eyes demanding an answer out of me.

"I'd never let you die that easily, Soujiro! You have too much to pay for!" Yahiko threw my sword over his back and my eyes trailed it until it pierced the other side of the wall.

There goes my chance of seeing Yumi-neesan. There goes my chance of leaving this hateful world...and there goes my chance of...of being forgiven by all those people I've harmed.

Drip.

I wish I could convince myself that...that these are not tears...but how can I lie to myself again?


to be continued