Damaged Soul

a Soujiro-centric fic

by Lucathia


part 9


"Damn you Soujiro!" Right after Yahiko yelled that, he ran all the way across the dojo to the guest room and burst into the room. Why should they save a person who was a cold-blooded killer? Then...the sight he saw in the room came as a shock...but he acted without one second of delay. Even though he hated Soujiro...he was still a living person. Yahiko would never stay motionless and let anyone take away their own life. That was why Yahiko had to stop Soujiro's senseless actions.

"What do you think you're doing!?" Yahiko rushed over to Soujiro's side and quickly jerked away the bloodstained sword, throwing it over his back. He glared at Soujiro...who was watching his sword pierce the other side of the wall. Yahiko kept his hateful gaze on Soujiro, waiting for Soujiro to meet his eyes, waiting for Soujiro to explain what he was doing.

The pair of cold, gray eyes that met his gaze was another shock--

--for these were not eyes Yahiko was used to seeing. They were blank, void of any feeling. They were just...empty. Yahiko couldn't see anything in those pair of eyes, not even bloodlust. Soujiro's face was a perfect mask--blank eyes and an unnerving smile.

And...Soujiro's eyes were a bit swollen too...could he have been...crying?

Yahiko stared at Soujiro for what seemed like such a long time...until a trickle ran down Soujiro's cheek. It was a tear.

It was Soujiro who looked away first. He didn't make any movement to wipe away his tears. He just stared at his bloodied hand. That was the first time Yahiko noticed that Soujiro's left hand was slowly leaking his life away...and here Yahiko was, staring dumbly at the guy!

"So...so I guess you were crying?" Yahiko tried just to say something to cover up the disturbing silence.

Soujiro didn't respond at all.

Yahiko turned around desperately, looking for something to wrap Soujiro's hand, finally noticing all the people who were standing outside of room.


Misao quickly ran to get Kenshin and Kaoru to stop Yahiko from killing Soujiro while Aoshi followed closely behind Yahiko. When all four of them reached the guest room, they noticed Yahiko staring at Soujiro. Misao's eyes quickly scanned the room, taking note of Soujiro's sword stuck on the side of the wall. She also saw blood coming out of Soujiro's wrist. She made a move to get in to stop the bleeding, but Aoshi motioned for her to stop.

"So...so I guess you were crying?"

Misao looked at Yahiko. Couldn't he have thought of something better to say? Asking if someone was crying at a time like this...wasn't such a good idea.

Just like she thought, Soujiro didn't respond at all. She wanted to rush in and smack some sense into the two of them, but Aoshi was trying to prevent her from entering. Finally, Yahiko turned around and saw the four of them standing in the doorway.

"Took you long enough to see us!" Misao said immediately. "I'll get bandages!" She spun around, ready to get bandages, but Kaoru was already holding a wad of them.

"Here you go."

Misao blinked as Kaoru handed the bandages to her. "Although I'd never forgive him for hurting Sanosuke, I don't want to see him die. I don't know if I can refrain from hitting him, so would you please wrap his hand for us? I don't feel Yahiko can do this without feeling hatred so intense that he would hurt Soujiro rather than help him. You're the only one who could do this. Aoshi and Kenshin are too much of fighters to tend to him."

Misao took the bandages reluctantly and went up to Soujiro. She whispered quietly. "Do you know how much you've hurt us?"

Soujiro didn't respond at all. His smile looked as if it was pasted onto his face.

Misao bit her lips and lifted his hand up, gingerly wrapping the bandages tight enough to slow his circulation. She applied pressure to his shoulder to stop the bleeding.

Tsubame stood in the doorway, tugging Kaoru's shirt timidly. "Kaoru-san, Megumi-san is here." Kaoru's eyes lit up, and she started walking towards the main room. Boy, this was probably the first time she was ever happy to see Megumi!

"Megumi! You're here finally!" Kaoru pulled Megumi into the dojo. "You don't know how glad I am to see you! Soujiro...you know, the Tenken? He wounded Tsubame and almost killed Saitou!"

"W-what?" Megumi was entirely surprised by both Kaoru's eagerness at seeing her and also the shocking news.

"Megumi, you have to help them! Even Sanosuke's hurt!"

Megumi's eyes widened. "Sanosuke's hurt!? Where is he? Lead me to him! Quick!"

Kaoru smiled. I think our troubles are going to be solved soon.


Kenshin stood in the doorway with Aoshi, watching Misao wrap Soujiro's hand. He felt...he felt overly worried about Soujiro. He recognized that blank look in Soujiro's eyes. It was the look of a person with no point to live on. Kenshin experienced it himself not so long ago when he thought Kaoru was lost to him forever.

That time, the only reason he lived on was because he had friends. But did Soujiro have friends who could help him through this ordeal? Kenshin glanced at Yahiko. Yahiko stood there, looking away from Soujiro. At least Yahiko's hatred had dissipated. Yahiko finally understood that hating a person wasn't as important as liking a person. Hatred and revenge didn't solve anything.

Kenshin looked back at Soujiro's blank eyes. How might he help Soujiro reawaken his spirit? How might all of them help Soujiro coop with his damaged soul?

There had to be a way...there had to be.


After Megumi tended to Sanosuke's wounds, she heaved a sigh of relief. "His wounds are pretty deep, but I'm sure he'll survive. If I got here any later...I might not have been able to say the same." Her lower lip trembled but she blinked away her tears. "I haven't seen him for such a long time. I haven't been able to talk to him at all! Why, why did this have to happen to him?"

Kaoru sat next to Megumi, quietly listening to Megumi's words. Finally, she said softly and slowly, as if trying to piece out what she wanted to say.

"No one wants this to happen. I'm sure that even though Soujiro might not know it...but deep down inside his heart he really didn't want to hurt anyone. If he did, then Sanosuke might have been dead already. I didn't notice this earlier...but I think that's the truth. If his wound had been any deeper..."

Megumi looked at Kaoru and looked down. "I don't know if you're right, but I wish I could believe that."


Yahiko stared at the other wall. What should he do? He hated seeing people cry. He hated to see people get hurt. He hated the sight of blood. Yahiko closed his eyes and felt a warm pair of arms encircling him.

"I know how you feel."

Yahiko kept his eyes closed and held on to her soft hands. "Tsubame..."

"Why don't you help solve his problems?"

Yahiko opened his eyes slowly. "What do you mean by that?"

"Can't you see...that he's lonely? He needs friends...that's the only way we can help him, the only way we can heal his soul."

Yahiko turned around. "You don't hate him because he hurt you?" Tsubame shook her head and smiled encouragingly.

"I know he's a good person. He could have hurt me even worse, but he didn't."


"So...so I guess you were crying?"

Yeah, I was crying...but how does that matter now? The thing is...why am I still living? Shouldn't I be dead? I should...I should be dead, but I'm not. Yahiko prevented me from killing myself. And now that Makimachi girl is wrapping my wrist. They just won't let me die.

I already lost all of my energy. My eyes are on the same spot, seeing nothing at all. I can't even feel the pain my wrist is in. I can't even feel how strained my smile is. I've already lost all of my senses of this world. It's a dead world to me. There's no point in living on.

"Do you know how much you've hurt us?"

I barely heard her words, but she said them. She asked me if I knew how much I hurt her friends. I knew of course. I thought I wanted them to feel pain, but is that what I really wanted? I feel...so empty now. There's no pleasure in hurting people...only pain. I've given myself so much pain. Every stab, every slice, every kill imprinted itself heavily on my soul.

I feel so...so heavy, so weighted down with guilt. I never felt this guilt before...or have I? I never realized this emotion as guilt, but now I know. I never ever knew...

I never knew guilt can feel so horrible.


Kenji watched the police's chest rise and lower. Why was the police just lying there, not getting up? Usually, people would get up and talk to him, but ever since the guy with the dangerous sword came, people stopped talking to him. Why was that?

"St-stop staring at me, kid."

Kenji immediately laid his eyes on the police who was gasping for breath. "You're awake, ojisan!"

"Yes, I'm awake. Isn't that obvious? Now get me some water, will you?"

Kenji immediately headed to get water.


Aoshi watched Misao tend to Soujiro. He felt many emotions right now. Part of him wanted Misao to help the guy who was so much like him from before. He wanted Misao to help Soujiro come back, but another part of him just wanted to snatch Misao away from the dangerous boy. He wanted to hold on to Misao...but he wanted to let her go too. He depended on her too much. Without her, he'd be lost. She was his only lifesaver in a treacherous ocean.

Wouldn't it be better if he stopped depending on her so much?

"Don't you think he's a lot like us when we were younger?"

Aoshi nodded at Kenshin's words. "Too much...just too much alike."


"Sanosuke! You're awake!" Megumi immediately flung herself at him.

Kaoru winced, imagining all the scars Megumi must be reopening with this kind of behavior.

"I'm so sorry, Sanosuke!" Megumi pulled back and rewrapped Sanosuke's wounds. "I'm sorry for hurting you." She lowered her eyes.

Sanosuke blinked and held out his hands to left her chin up. "I hope you aren't crying over me. I'm not dead, you know."

Kaoru smiled and sneaked outside.


No point in living on. There's no point in living on. Life has no meaning. Why should I live on...Why should I sit here...why should I stay innocent...why should I...

Live your life...make me proud...don't be vengeful.

Yumi-neesan...yes...for her...I have to live on. For her and only for her.


to be continued


A/N: Just one more part to go and that's the end of the fic.

Review please.