A/N:  Tahiri's experience with death and her feelings now that she's alive again were inspired by the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "After Life".

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:  THE PAINFUL TRUTH

          The Tsirran's visit to the jungle moon lasted only a few days.  Now that the Yuuzhan Vong knew they had not only managed to avoid extinction but had found their way into this galaxy as well, there was no point in trying to set up another secret meeting in some remote area of space.  Yavin Four was as good a place as any in Tahiri's opinion.  True, Riley had been a traitor, and there were probably more Jedi defectives – maybe even right there at the Academy, but she was sure that the good ones still greatly outnumbered the bad.  A few traitors wouldn't press their luck against a planet full of Jedi.  Neither did she think the Yuuzhan Vong were up for that kind of full-fledged assault just yet.

          Master Skywalker had spent hours in his office alone with the Tsirran elder.  Neither one had come out until they had found a solution that would satisfy both parties.  Of course, Tahiri and the rest of the Jedi Knights were clueless as to what sort of arrangement had been worked out.  Master Skywalker and Eus-ai Raak were keeping tight-lipped about the details of the agreement between the Jedi and the Tsirran.  After the whole Riley incident, it made sense that they would want to keep quiet until everything had been finalized.

          What Tahiri did know was that the two would be meeting again at an unnamed location in about month's time to finalize the agreement – she hoped.

          After a brief good bye with Eus-ai Raak, and his two honour guards that had accompanied him, they had departed for their hideout that for the moment still remained a secret.

          To ensure that no sabotage would be done to their living vessel, Luke Skywalker had closed the hanger bay to everyone else while they were there.  The Jedi Master had not wanted to take any chances.

          While everyone had been so preoccupied with the Tsirran it had given Tahiri the chance to spend time by herself, something she had not had a great deal of since returning to the Academy nearly a week ago.  It wasn't like she was purposely trying to cut herself off from everyone.  She just needed time to act like she was feeling, instead of how everyone – even Anakin – expected her to act.

          On her way back from the jungle, she had stopped by the Grand Audience Chamber.  As she had expected, it was deserted with all the trainee classes done for the day.

          She sat at the edge of the stage, swinging her legs back and forth.  It didn't seem like all that long ago, she had been a dirty, barefoot child who had decided to do some exploring in the temple and had stumbled into one of Luke Skywalker's lectures.  My life sure has changed a lot since then, she thought to herself.  And not all the change has been for the better.

          "Tahiri?"  Called the voice of Jacen Solo as he walked into the Grand Audience Chamber.  He saw the startled look on her face, and when he got closer to her he said, "sorry.  I didn't mean to make you jump," she looked like she had been a million light years away.  "Anakin's been looking for you,"

          "I was just out for a walk," she said.  "Nothing big,"

          "I know I may be out of line when I say this," Jacen began uncomfortably, "because it's really none of my business, but you seem to be spending an awful lot of time by yourself since you've been back,"

          "What can I say?  I enjoy having some quiet time to myself,"

          "From what Anakin's told me, you would rather spend time with a slimy Hutt then have no one to talk to,"

          That was true – rather, it had been true, but she not going to go into some lengthy explanation about how she had changed with Anakin's older brother.

          "You know, Anakin really cares about you," Jacen said, trying a different approach.  "And my brother's not the sort of person who openly admits how he feels about someone unless they mean a lot to him,"

          She stared down at her feet.  "Anakin's part of the problem,"

          Jacen blinked, confused.  "I think you've lost me,"

          "Never mind," she told him and slid off the stage.

          "Tahiri, everyone knows what you've been through.  No one expects you to come back here and just be okay,"

          She let out a bitter laugh.  "Yes they do.  They all expect me to be happy and grateful that I've been given a second chance.  Who in their right mind would be upset that they'd been given another shot at life?"

          "Are you happy?"

          "Do you know why no one asked me what it felt like to die?"  She said, ignoring his question.  "Because they were all scared of what I would say.  They're all scared of death when they don't know a thing about it,"

          She contemplated letting it go at that.  She didn't owe Jacen or anyone else an explanation of why she had been acting the way she had, but she couldn't stop herself from continuing what she had started.

          "For that brief time I was gone," she said to him, "I was happy.  I don't know where I was but I remember feeling safe.  My parents were there.  I hadn't seen them in so long that the memories I still have of them were beginning to fade," she said, unable to keep her voice from quivering.  "But it was them.  They were real and they took care of me.  Then I was ripped out of there by a creature that only wanted me alive so it could experiment on me.  You have no idea what it's like to be in this perfect place and then open your eyes to face the killers that sent you there,"

          Jacen did not know what to say to her.  Really, what could he say that would make the obvious pain she was feeling inside ease up in the slightest?  But she didn't look like she had expected him to say anything.

"Where I was," she continued, "I knew nothing but happiness, and then I came back here where there's nothing but pain, suffering and betrayal.  People hurt and kill each other and then go on with their lives like nothing's happened.  When you look at it, we're all monsters underneath who are no better then the Vong,"

          "You should be telling Anakin this," Jacen said gently.  "Or even Kam and Tionne.  They would understand what you're going through,"

          "Tell them what?" Tahiri said, her voice shaking even more as she was close to tears now.  "That I wish I was dead?  That I hate it here and there's nothing I can do to change that?  They can't understand if they haven't gone through it themselves,"

          "You're not giving them enough credit,"

          "Telling them will only make things worse.  They've already been through enough when they thought I had died.  If I tell them how I feel it will only hurt them more, and I don't want to do that,"

          "Tahiri, you can't keep something like this hidden forever,"

          "I'm not going to hurt my family or friends any more," she shook her head.  "I don't even know why I told you any of this, but you have to promise me you won't say anything to anyone.  Not to Tenal Ka.  Not to Kam and Tionne, and especially not to Anakin,"

          "If that's what you want," he said to her, "but you should think about it first before you make any final decisions,"

          "I have thought about it.  Over and over again.  This is what I want.  Trust me, it will be better for everyone this way,"

          "Hey, what's going on?"  Said Anakin, walking into the chamber.

          "Nothing," Tahiri said instantly.  "Jacen was just asking me for advice on, um, Tenal Ka," she said, thinking quickly.

          Anakin looked over at his brother.  He didn't confirm Tahiri's statement, nor deny it.  Probably because he's too embarrassed to admit he's asking for advice about his girlfriend, Anakin thought, managing to keep the smirk off his face.

          He turned back to Tahiri.  "I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a swim or something,"

          "I'd love to," she said, taking his hand in hers.  "We're finished here, right?"  She gave Jacen a look that meant their previous conversation was over.

          He did not know what else to do except say, "yeah, we're finished,"

          She shot him a grateful look before turning and exited the chamber with Anakin, hand-in-hand.

          Jacen watched them go.  He had not expected her to make that kind of a confession to him, but he had given her his word, so he would keep her secret, even though he thought she was making a huge mistake.  Or maybe he was the one making the mistake by keeping it for her.

          With the Tsirran gone, Jaina would finally be able to get to work on replacing the Rancor's badly damaged view port.  She could have worked on it down on the landing field, but they were in the middle of the rainy season on Yavin Four, and she did not want to risk having a flooded ship on her hands.  The sealant she had applied when they had returned to the Academy would hold out any rain until she got around to fixing it.

          She got on the turbolift and rode it down to the basement where the hanger bay was.  When she reached her stop, she exited the lift, toolbox in hand – and stopped in her tracks when she saw the Fearless Rancor's glass viewport had already been replaced.

          It could not have been fixed for more then a few hours since she had only brought the ship in late last night.  But who else would fix it? she thought as she approached it.  Anakin might have, but he would have told her he was going to do it. 

She had her answer when a lone figure came around the other side of the ship, wiping his grease stained hands on a rag.

"I hope you don't mind," Zekk said when he saw her standing there.  "But when I was done working on my ship I had nothing better to do with my time,"

"It's all right," she said to him.  "Replacing a broken view port really isn't a big thing,"

Zekk tossed the rag onto the hull.  "So, uh, how are you and Ganner?"  He tried to ask it nonchalantly as if he didn't care, but Jaina knew better.

"We're okay.  He apologized even though he was right.  If I hadn't been distracted none of that would have happened,"

"Everyone makes mistakes, Jaina,"

"Mistakes?  I screwed up.  Big time.  And now the Vong know all about Anoth, so the New Republic can cross that off its long list of places where it can't send refugees, thanks to me,"

"You were in charge and you messed up.  Big deal.  You don't think everyone who's ever been in charge hasn't screwed up a few times?"  He said to her.  "You didn't know Riley was working for the Vong and neither did anyone else –"

"Is this the part where you're going to tell me it wasn't my fault?  Because if it is I think I'll stop listening,"

"All right, I won't.  But there were two other people with you on Anoth who were just as clueless, so try not to beat yourself up too much,"

Jaina tried to frown at him, but failed.  "Did I ever tell you I hate it when you're right?"

Zekk grinned.  "All the time,"

"Are you staying?"  She asked before an uncomfortable silence could fall.

"I got nothing better to do," then, more seriously he added, "your Uncle said I could have my old room back, so it looks like my stay is going to be more or less permanent," he told her.  "I'll brush up on my training, meet the new students that have come in while I was gone, and try to fix things between us," he said, locking his gaze on hers.

He just didn't give up, did he?

"I don't expect us to be okay anytime soon, but I want another chance at being back in your life,"

They had been done this road before.  "Zekk –"

"I never thought telling you about my past would affect you the way it did,"

"That's just like you Zekk," she said, forcing a coldness to her tone.  "Never thinking about anyone but yourself,"

"A person can change a lot in six months,"

She looked away from him.  "I don't know Zekk,"

He was making her so confused.  How many times in her head had she gone through a scenario just like this?  And every time she had been strong, telling Zekk she wanted him to stay out of her life.  She was finding it a lot harder thing to do when he was standing right in front of her.

Seeing the kind of crossroad she was at, he moved closer to her and said, "I love you, Jaina"

He tilted her chin upwards, then leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers – and she didn't resist.  She kissed him back hungrily, letting her toolbox fall uselessly to the ground.  She could no longer deny that she had wanted to be able to kiss him again for some time now.  She was filled with dozens of conflicting emotions and feelings running around inside her.  She found herself enjoying what was happening.  Enjoying the feeling of being in Zekk's arms again. 

She shook her head and pushed him away.  "No," she all but shouted at him.  What had she done?  How could she have let that happen?

"Jaina – "

"Don't Zekk," she said backing away from him.  "I can't do this with you anymore.  It hurts too much,"

She picked up her fallen toolbox and practically ran away from him.  She headed for the turbolift, but when the doors opened, she hesitated before getting in.  "Stay if you want," she said without looking back at him, "but don't stay because of me.  Because we're finished,"

She strode into the lift and when the doors finally closed behind her, she sank to the floor and hugged her knees to her chest.  She refused to cry over him, though.  She was through with Zekk.  Besides, you don't cry over someone who means nothing to you.  And that's what she kept telling herself when the first tears started trickling down her cheeks.

THE END

And, as always, there will be a sequel.  I hope to get some of it posted soon, but I'm working on my first Harry Potter fic as well so it might take awhile.  Anyways, let me know what you think of the ending, and any other suggestions or comments you might have are greatly appreciated.