Maybe I'm a drifter
Late at night
'Cause I long for the safety
Of flowing freely
In your arms
I don't need another lover
It's not for me
'Cause only you can save me
Oh can't you see
I can't imagine life
Without your love
And even forever don't seem
Like long enough

________________________________________________________________________

Buffy watched Spike stalk around the crypt, packing.

 He had stayed at the hospital long enough to make sure her and Willow were okay and then taken off. Buffy had stayed with Willow while the doctors set her legs, she was going to be in a wheelchair for a while but there would be no permanent damage. If it hadn't been for Willow she wasn't sure she would have come here. Buffy was originally going to go find Jinx and force her away from the caves, even if she had to kick her ass all the way home to do it. But Willow was having none of it, she had informed Buffy that Jinx was a big girl fully capable of dealing with her own problems and that it was about time Buffy started to face hers.

So here she was watching an irate vampire packing up his meager possessions. Yet another man preparing to walk out of her life. 

She knew why she was here, she knew she had to tell him once and for all how she felt. She had known the night in the house, she just hadn't been ready to face it.

She had woken up ,originally, a few hours before dawn, wrapped in his arms. She hadn't run for her clothes then. She had watched him sleep, absently brushing his hair off his face. He had been exhausted, and she remembered wondering how he could look so peaceful and quiet when the awake reality of Spike was entirely different. It had always been all or nothing for him and she envied him that. She knew that in order to feel everything she had been missing she had to have that, all or nothing.

He hadn't  been awake for the moment he had been pushing her towards since she came back. The moment when she  finally gave in and cried over all the people  she had lost in her short life, including herself. The moment when her heart had finally let go of it's memories and started to heal.

She had accepted being back that night, accepted being alive. And she had accepted that nothing about her life was ever going to be the same again.

He hadn't seen any of it.

So he didn't know that first time she woke up  that she had curled up in his arms and had let the peace and love she felt guide her back to sleep. She had almost given in the second time she woke up. But she couldn't, one epiphany a month was more than enough.  It hadn't been disgust or convenience that drove her out of there the next day. No matter what she had spit at him. Buffy knew the real reason. Fear. Plain old unadulterated terror.

This vampire, no this man, packing his things had all the power. He just didn't know it yet. The power to break her . If she let him in he could destroy her but if she didn't he would leave and that would definitely break her heart before she had given it a chance.

'Well fuck that!'

"Just what do you think your doing?" she screeched at him

Spike didn't even pause in his efforts. Shoving yet another black shirt into a bulging duffel bag he ignored her tone and answered her question.

"I'm packing, slayer. What the bloody hell does it look like I'm doing?"

" I can see that Spike. What I want to know is why?"

"You know why, luv. This thing between us, it's not good. Sooner or later it's going to destroy one of us, and I am not going to let that be you."

Buffy sank down on the edge of the bed. It was now or never.

"You're right it's not good. It's scary and it's messy. That's the point. If this was easy do you think we would feel so strongly about each other."

Spike didn't answer, he just looked stunned, so she answered for him.

"No we wouldn't."

Reaching for his hand she pulled him down beside her. Staring into his incredible blue eyes, Buffy gave him everything in her heart. 

" I know you love me. I know I am willing to try and find out where this dance is leading us. I don't want pretty and sweet anymore. I want messy and unpredictable. I want the fighting and the screaming and the making up, lots of the making up. I want you, fangs and all. I love you."

"No you don't slayer. Your just all messed up right now. What with the near death thing and all. Trust me on this  go home, take a nap and you'll  be glad I'm gone by tomorrow."

Buffy felt like someone had punched her in the face. Here she was pouring her heart out and he was telling her she didn't mean it. He should be jumping up and down, kissing her, going on about his undying love and devotion. The least he could have done was smile. But no he had to go and tell her to take a nap. Buffy could feel her fingers start to tingle, there was only one way she was going to get through to him. Pulling her arm back Buffy let fly.

Standing over him a few seconds later she watched him clutching his bloody nose.

" A NAP!!! I tell you I love you and you think I should take a nap. You know Spike if this is the way you treat all women it's a wonder you ever get laid"

Spike sprang to his feet and pinned Buffy beneath him on the bed.

" I have never had a problem finding a good shag, luv. You should know."

Buffy stared up into his smirking face. Well at least she had him where she wanted him. Shifting her hips she made sure Spike was aware of their position.

"Now that's not playing fair, pet. If all you wanted was another taste you could have just asked. You didn't have to pretend you felt something you don't. I like your plan though, one more for the road"

Buffy shoved him off. He didn't believe her. All the sleepless nights, all the hours of self -assessment and he didn't believe her. What the hell did he want, she had stood by and let him kill someone. How much more believable was she supposed to get. This was ridiculous. If he wasn't going to listen to her maybe she should beat him into the ground then he would have to listen.

Buffy searched the room for the vampire, preparing to swing. What she saw brought her up short. Spike was trying to light a cigarette but his hands were shaking too bad to accomplish it.

'He's scared' she thought 'Of the same thing I am, he's scared I'm going to hurt him. All this crap was because he was pushing me away, just like I did to him.'

Crossing the room Buffy took Spikes trembling hands in hers. She gently leaned in and placed small kisses across his knuckles. Reaching up she ran her hand down his cheek . Marveling at the intensity of his gaze.

"It's okay Spike, we'll figure this out together. I don't know what happens next either."

" Buffy, I-"

Buffy placed her fingers on his mouth effectively stopping his denials. They could figure out the details later. Her friends, her sister, her life would all have to wait. Right now she had something to prove. Taking his arm she pulled him down on the bed. Actions always spoke louder than words.